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I got a phone call last night from my dad's assisted living informing me that a nurse had observed him and another resident having consensual sex when the nurse stopped by his apartment on her rounds. I was very uncertain how to respond. I confirmed that it was consensual and then said "Well, at over 100 years old I'm just glad that he's able to have sex and enjoy himself." The nurse was quite taken aback and then I asked if there was something she expected me to do. She said no, that they were just obligated to tell me. My question is should I be concerned (I don't think so) or should I talk about this with my father (I don't think so) or what do I do with this information besides try to put the picture out of my mind?

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Well...what an odd question to have read first thing this am.

If the AL is OK with the residents, um, 'hooking up', and it is consensual, I guess I would just try to forget the image and 'maybe' talk to dad. Although that is not a conversation I'd know how to handle.

Is your dad and the other person (I can only assume it was a woman, but you never know..) lucid enough to make these decisions? Her family may not have the same outlook that you do. That would be my only concern.

I imagine the nurse has 'seen it all' so to speak, but at least she called you. Bet you didn't sleep well after that.

(I have heard that the rate of STD's in these places is really quite high, so this isn't all that unusual).
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jkm999 Nov 2021
I know it's not the normal concern of those of us on this forum!

My dad is over 100 and, although has limited short-term memory, is capable of making decisions in the moment. When he moved into this Assisted Living they were very clear that his apartment was his - he could have overnight guests (he had a long term 'girl'friend that he traveled with and I know they spent nights in each other's home). I've always known that he was considered quite the 'catch' amongst the women who live at the Assisted Living and that he currently has a resident girlfriend so I guess I wasn't as surprised as I could have been! I did confirm it was consensual so I imagine that they may have contacted the other family before they called me. It was just something I didn't need to hear as I was preparing to go to bed!
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The Hebrew Home in Riverdale made a policy saying it's the residents' business starting in the 1990s and since updated. Said policy is here: https://ltcombudsman.org/uploads/files/issues/Sexual_Expression_PP-Hebrew_Home.pdf

Around that time, one of my SO's friends mom's went into a NH/ALF and had multiple BFs and was "boffing (I won't use the word that was used) up a storm."

I'm like, be happy for her! She was widowed already. And she remains an adult. If they want to do adult activities there should be a do not disturb sign on their door and the nurses should just shut up about it.
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jkm999 Nov 2021
Thanks for the link to the policy from the Hebrew Home. I'm going to keep a copy of that in case his Assisted Living has additional questions/concerns. I told them I had no intention to discuss it with him and they were fine with that; they will just 'keep and eye on things' and keep me informed. (I could do without the keeping me informed part!)
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I wouldn’t mention or do anything. Glad they’re both experiencing some joy so late in life
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WHAT???

Everyone knows their parents have never had sex! 😉

Good for Dad, I say. Tell the nurse you don't discuss your sex life with him and prefer not to discuss his with him.

You might tell him to put a sock on the door handle, though. That's the internationally accepted warning to dorm roommates.
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yeah, wow, he steal enjoying himself. he should put something on for stds.
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Quit using abbrievations in your answers. I have a hard time following
Some of them.
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All a-ok if it's consensual in my book. It's Assisted Living, not a prison.

Your response to the nurse was perfect.
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Who needs Tinder when you’re all single and living in AL? LOL

I’m am 100% in line with you. I wouldn’t want to know, especially if no crimes are being committed. Sure, I hope neither of them gets sick or hurt, but I chalk it up to the “none of my business” shelf.
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I would question the AL as to why they need to keep an eye on it.

I think that crosses lines when they know it is 2 consenting adults. Maybe they need reminding that they still have all of their personal rights and freedoms until a judge declares them incompetent, because that is the only way an adult American citizen loses their autonomy, besides being incarcerated and that's still a judge making the decision.

I would tell them to leave them alone and let them have their dignity.
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Katefalc Nov 2021
Just to add a side note, the nurses and staff should be knocking on doors before entering ANY patient ROOM , even in a hospital this is a rule. It is considered abuse to just walk into a patients room unannounced.
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I would only ask the facility to check him for sexually transmitted diseases as part of his routine care.
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As long as it is consensual.
As long as neither has dementia (would not be consensual at that point)
As routine I would ask that STD testing be done. (should be for anyone that is sexually active)
Give him your blessing (or not if you would prefer that he not know that you know)
You can ask that you not be informed of this.
And if he is of sound mind you should not be informed anyway. It is technically a violation of his privacy.
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One concern here is how does one actually spell "giving consent"?
How is it that the "t" is lost when it becomes "consensual"? 🤣
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Another concern is that the abbreviation STD is not on the list of
Common Caregiving Abbreviations and Acronyms - AgingCare.com
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I assume your father is not a minor child?
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Lol! This made me laugh. With this being consensual I say go Dad go!
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Good for your father.
Here's what you do with this information the nurse told you.
Absolutely nothing. It's none of your business. The same as it's none of your father's business how you get down.
The nurse should not have been taken aback by your response. Your father is old not dead.
As for STD's these people are in assisted living. Who are they meeting and sleeping with outside of the AL? I wouldn't worry.
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If your father was informed upon move in that " his apartment was his - he could have overnight guests ", then WHY are they calling YOU if/when he has a guest in his apartment???????? I feel like it's the CYA principle at work and nothing more. If the nurse is going to be judgmental to boot that you didn't have a cow upon learning your father is sexually active, I'd tell her not to worry unless it's HER he's having sex with ffs!

At 100+ years old, who cares about STD's? That's another matter between your father and the woman or women he's having sex with whether THEY want to be tested for diseases! I'm all for treating adults like adults and keeping private matters private. That's what I'd tell the nurse the next time she calls you, too.
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It doesn't matter if they are competent or not, nothing you can do about it. Actually, I am surprised at 100 he still has the ability. I like the way u handled it.

My daughter was an RN in Rehab/NH facilities for 20 yrs. She has come across this thing often. Even a couple who suffered from Dementia and were still married to other people. They thought they were married to each other and could not be separated so shared a room. There is nothing legally that can be done. If this Nurse has always worked in ALs, this should not be anything new. Me, I would tell them don't bother to call you. Just ignore it.
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I don't think there is anything you can do. If people are old and have dementia, this often happens although why on earth this would happen at this age is beyond me. Just ignore it and don't do anything - nothing will change. Just make sure it is done in privacy and not in the public arena.
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Why is the nurse able to just walk in for her rounds?
Seems unusual to report to the adult child unless their insurance co has them in case of injuries occuring?
In this day of Cialis, i suppose this is a more common occurrence than previously.

i would ignore it and perhaps request a vising nurse to ring a doorbell or knock before rounds in case this may happen again.
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2021
Don't come a-knockin' when the AL apartment's a-rockin.'

I apologize DJ9876543. I had to go there LOL. God bless the guy if he can still get down at 100 years old. Good for him because that's remarkable.
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jkm999: Imho, you should do nothing.
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Pubmed did a survey of NHs. Over one half of DONs reported sexual activity among residents!

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26441358/
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If it IS consensual {a dementia patient CAN NOT legally consent}…then accommodations can be made..staff should always knock and wait for yes..come in!!!! Take to the administrator. Sex in halls and dining room can become an issue..This I observed frequently when I was a clinical staff member..
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2021
Depending on the progression, yes, even a diagnosis of dementia doesn't take away their rights to consent.

Only a court of law can take away someone's rights. Otherwise they can legally do whatever they want.

I know that this issue is fudged all the time, doesn't make it legal though. Doctors DO NOT have the authority to take away someone's autonomy without a legal process.
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Hopefully someone will share the gospel with this gentleman, soon.

God has given him 100 yrs of life, but he, like all of us, will stand face to face before God for judgement. Heaven or Hell?

The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent, (Acts 17:30)

The Gospel: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures,...
(1 Cor 15:3-4)

..because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. (Rom 10:9, 13)
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lealonnie1 Nov 2021
What does the gospel have to do with anything? Preaching to this woman serves no useful purpose! Her father is a grown adult and can do as he sees fit w/o being told about judgement before God and whether he'll go to 'heaven or hell' for petesake! He has nothing to be saved from!
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Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter (Isaiah 5:20).
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ZippyZee Nov 2021
Go away (Exodus).
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For crying out loud. Give them a high five and get on to real problems. My friend walked into the care facility his mother was in to find his mother sitting with a man right inside the front door, like a Walmart greeter. His hand down her blouse, and her grinning like a Cheshire Cat. He’ll never get that picture out of his mind either.
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Having established that the intimacy was consensual, I think the appropriate response would be to question the facility's approach to ensuring residents' privacy and dignity. The nurse "observed" this in what way???
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