I've scoured the internet but can't find anything on my specific situation. My mother and I have always been extremely close. When my dad passed away in 2006, I moved back in with her to help her through it. Shortly after that, I met my husband. He knew mom and I were a "package deal" at that time because of my dad, and he was ok with the living situation. Fast-forward 16 years and we’re still a 3-person household. The older my husband and I get, the harder it is having her in our home, all the time, zero privacy, no personal space, and one bathroom. She says she does her best to stay out of our way, but we feel we deserve the opportunity to have a real marriage, just the two of us. A week ago, we told mom we think it's time we worked together to find her a place of her own. At 74, she's self-sufficient, healthy, and active. And because all she gets is social security, we've always paid almost everything (housing, food, utilities, etc.) Her immediate reaction has been extreme emotional distress, anger, and depression. She's made it clear that we are complete disappointments, that we're throwing her out like a piece of trash, and she'll probably end up needing to either sell or live in her car. We assured her we will help in every way possible, including as much as we can financially. We've found several very nice low-income independent living facilities within 15 miles of us. We’re trying to help but she’s made a point of saying she doesn’t want a single thing from us. She believed she'd live with us forever. We never expected her reaction. My husband and I feel unbelievably guilty about the whole situation, but for the sake of our marriage, we're not going to change our minds. I think our relationship with my mom may be beyond repair (her choice, not mine). To complicate matters, I have a younger brother who can't take her in (his wife refuses to have her live with them). He offered to help her look for a place near them (he's in NC, but we're in PA and her whole life is here, so she won't go for that). I told him that our best option is to split whatever cost there may be over and above what she can afford. He never responded to that suggestion. We don't know where to go from here. Were we wrong for waiting so long and now it's just too late? We’ve been putting this off for several years because we were terrified this would be her reaction. Is it my obligation and duty as a daughter to provide a home for her for the rest of her life? I can't force my brother to do his fair share of taking care of mom, so it's probably completely on us. This is a total nightmare. Any advice is very, very appreciated.
Even if mom never lived alone, 74 is still young enough to start a new life now. Engage in social activities, drive to group activities, and stop making you the center of her life and her entertainment committee. Help her do it, she may be happy you did. Or, she may choose to be miserable. Either way, it's not your fault.
I do understand where your coming from. Its just not working anymore and thats what you tell her. Maybe you had plans for a bigger place, Mom having her own space and it did not work out that way. Retirement is on the horizon and you just can't see being with Mom 24/7. Trying to go on trips without her. Maybe your SIL has seen things in Mom that you don't see or...do you just tolerate them? There are probably a lot of reasons why now she has to find a place of her own. Do not allow her to manipulate you.
Help her find a place and don't buy into the FOG tactics she's very good at using. Fear Obligation and Guilt is NO reason to keep her living with you, nor are those good reasons for her to WANT to keep living with you, knowing you'd like her to move out. She's frightened of having to be an adult now, at 74, maybe for the first time in her life. She may have moved from her parents home in with her husband, then in with you, never having to run a household herself. If so, let her know you'll help her every step of the way. You're not abandoning her.....just seeking privacy for yourselves now, which is reasonable. She'll come around.
Good luck on your new venture, you deserve it.
You have gone WAY above and beyond with your generosity by allowing your mom to live with you for the last 16 years with your husband.
Unfortunately you didn't have your mom move out when you married your husband as he should have come before your mom and did deserve to have you to himself, but that is now water under the dam, and you can only go forward with putting him and your marriage first by getting mom out.
Let her act like a spoiled little brat who's not getting their way, and stand your ground. I guess that in itself lets you know just how much she appreciates all those years of help and support from you huh?
Please don't spend your money on her any longer as you and your husband will need any and all of your funds when you both get older. Your mom will just have to learn to live within her means as all us mature adults do. And if that means doing without some things she's gotten used to, well...so be it.
I'm glad that you and your husband have finally decided to put yourselves and your marriage first. Better late then never!
Your Mom got your Dad's Social Security, yet never paid you rent or shared the utilities or food costs? That is so selfish I cannot believe it. Did you pay for a car for her too? Didn't Dad have life insurance? I take it she was a "housewife" and never worked in her entire life. She latched on and had it made for the ultimate free ride!
She is long overdue to get her own place, and could have gotten a job at 56 to PAY HER OWN WAY. Why should your husband have to financially support her for 16 years? She should have moved out when you got married! Two is company, THREE is a crowd! She knows this, she has SS and Medicare from your Dad's hard work. She can get Senior vouchers and discounts everywhere! Why should she even try when she has YOU to pay her way in life?
What exactly has she done for YOU so incredibly generous? Where's her list? Do the math of 16 years of financial support, say $1,200 a month x 16 years is over $230,000!! You could have that saved for your retirement right now.
DO NOT be "TERRIFIED" of her reaction to anything. Life is not a FREE RIDE. I saw it mentioned elsewhere, did Mom financially support her parents in any way? She has nerve to try to pull the guilt card after a 16 year vacation on your dime. She knows damn well your husband comes first, NOT HER. With her reaction, why would you even WANT a relationship with such a selfish opportunist? She should have saved up plenty from her SS for a nice nest egg as well, since she didn't contribute financially. Say $500 a month for 16 years is $96,000!
I hope this wakes you up to cut the free ride OFF. You have gone beyond the call, and shouldn't pay another dime. What did she do with her SS after Dad died? She had no expenses to pay! She should have some nice savings and can easily afford a place, and not live in her car! What a manipulative Drama Queen.
Go forward with your plans, you could be moving into a new place if you hadn't spent over $200K supporting your ungrateful Mother the last 16 years. You should be furious at yourselves, so don't give in whatsoever! Neither you or your brother should be paying her way, period.
The extra information you gave us is so helpful.
First of all you made it clear you and hubby live in your own small home and she has moved in with you and she owns nothing.
Then she will need to room with someone who will accept most of her SS as the rental payment for her.
You are not, not, NOT going to find any assisted living for her she can afford, nor should you be using any of your own funds for her living expenses. It will take you and hubby a lifetime to make yourselves secure in your own old age so that you do not end up right where she is today, which is dependent on others.
You are not responsible for her own poor decisions. She has had full opportunity living with you all these many years to save. That she did not is on her.
You have every right to a life without living with a parent.
Give her a time frame and stick to your guns.
I wish you the best.
You say "I moved in to help her out". I assume YOU moved into HER home.
You then fast forward to your relationship and wanting the small home to be yours.
WHOSE HOME IS THIS? Yours or your Moms? Who paid for this home, or did I miss a part where you met hubby, married, and you, hubby and mom moved into ANOTHER home.
I'm so confused.
If your mother owns a home (and you say she is threatening to sell it and live in her car, so she must) WHY in the world, at 74, would she need to leave her home and go into care at this time? That home is her bankroll for her future care, but she needn't move now. And in fact could move a roommate into her home.
It would be YOU AND HUBBY leaving her home--am I right.
Anyway, look forward to knowing who lives where and who owns what, so I can answer.
I understand your Mom's shock after all this time, but I also understand your wanting your own small place to yourselves.