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Hi so a few things have happened recently with my 91 year old lovely Mum. She has been getting confused with her medications and calls often to ask which ones she should take. We’ve sorted this out by arranging a pharmacist prepared pack to be delivered each week. She is also forgetting events that happened, like getting the results of her latest bone scan. Today, in hospital after a dizzy attack, she brushed her hair and then promptly pulled hair from the brush and just dropped the hair on the floor, she’s usually very fastidious about neatness. Her doctor wanted to do an aged care assessment to see if she should be still living alone. She got very angry, which for her is the cold shoulder and silent treatment. I was happy for this as she has been using her medi alert more often lately. After I went home, she told the nurses that she didn’t want that doctor anymore and requested another one, even though this doctor has been her cardiologist for many years and she always liked him before. We are scared that she will fall again when she is home alone and since she has severe osteoporosis the outcome would not be good. She is adamant that she will never go into care and tells everybody how wonderful her daughters are and that we will look after her. I have recently had brain surgery for an aneurysm and my sister is almost 70 and cares for her intellectually disabled son. We are both getting worn out and don’t know how much longer we can be running around after her, with all the appointments, shopping, bills and rushing over every time she uses the medi alert. We love her, she has been a wonderful, caring mother to all of us. I have another sister who is 71 and doesn’t drive, and two brothers who have their own health issues and really don’t do more than visit. I can see her demands increasing and am heart broken and at a loss as to the best way forward.

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Obviously there is something cognitively going on and it could be any number of things, some things she could improve from and that's the tact I would take first with her. This test will give them more information and perhaps enable the doctors to help her with some of these changes. Mom for instance got much more forgetful, hallucinating and getting disoriented to time when she was having A-fib before we knew about it. She landed in the hospital, the A-fib was discovered and managed and there was much improvement in her cognitive abilities. I'm sure your mom is scared and that has a lot to do with why she's digging in, trying to avoid anything that might change her life but that's because she also knows there have been changes. The reality is a new doctor is going to want to test her too or the hospital is simply going to say she can't be released home to live by herself so she's probably better off doing the testing (it will also come in handy as time goes on) so you might take that angle with her. But let them be the heavy here, this is the perfect opportunity since she is in the hospital both for getting her any medical help as well as either assistance at home or considering some sort of AL or facility. Use the assistance at your disposal here, hospital social worker, discharge coordinator, doctors etc. it doesn't mean you make all the big decisions today but it does give you the best window for enlisting the help mom needs.
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You all have to realize your mother is advancing in age and while you may love her you cannot take care of her needs without jeopardizing your own health and other situations. Sad but true. You must not feel guilt - this is life. She lived her life and now it is the turn of the rest of the family. They have to look out for themselves. She must be put somewhere to be cared for by people who are capable and qualified to do so. The time for caring for her by the family is now over. Then visit and call and soon you will all have peace in your lives again.
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It sounds like it's time for.an ALF. You may want to consider the possibility.
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You may Need to Go to Protective Adult Services to get the Ball Rolling to Put MOM into a SAFER facility...
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As others are answering, yes it is. And sounds like you have some hard decisions coming up. I think you’ve already known, it’s just really hard to face. Everyone involved has to go through their own acceptance “hump”. the beginning is denial, the hump is the realization and the fight, and the downside is acceptance and working the issues through. I’ll spare you my long list of comments and just send you a virtual hug and I’ll pray for the courage to do what you need to do. I know many of us will be supporting you along the way. get good advice, do your research and follow up regularly. Hugs!!!💕
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Keri, I'm glad that the assessment will happen.

One thing might be to change the emergency notification to 911 and you "kids" second.
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Simple things with my mom first it was like calling me or calling her granddaughter not remembering that she done it..thinking that something was wrong with the computer ..putting things where they didn't belong losing her keys just simple things ..not being able to cook making the same foods over and over..not eating like she used to..folding Kleenex and stacking them in piles..complaining my father was seeing someone else..not being able to clean house...the list goes on and on.. No one in our family wanted to believe me when I said that was what she had..finally I took her to the dr. and sure enough that was it..hugs and prayers as sometimes it is for a long time depends on how far along she is
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Short term memory glitches can be age-related. Dementia affects problem solving ability as well as memory. Early signs of dementia could include inability to follow directions or operating household appliances. My MIL insisted her washing machine was broken when she could not remember how to use it. Inability to read and write sentences is also a clue.
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Your mother sounds like a wonderful person who is going through a hard time now. It is good she has the love of her family.
My father and my in-laws were all also wonderful in their twilights. It was good my wife and I were still strong enough to help them, even with two adult children who had their own serious issues.
My mother is the only parent left, and she is a true narcissist. Her cruelty is seemingly boundless now that she has lost many of her social skills.
Because of guilt, it was hard for us to place my father and in-laws, but it really was for the best. My wife still second guesses decisions we made for her parents when they were alive, probably because they were so kind, loving, and appreciative. My MIL actually loved the service at Assisted Living (AL), and we visited her daily.
I have my own health issues now, and I no longer have the stamina for my mother, even if I wanted to be her full time servant. She hates every place she lives, and I have moved her three times in two years. The last move was from independent living where we should never have placed her (she is not independent). She basically was kicked out for nasty and threatening behavior.
I can take care of her needs, but I cannot worry about her wants. It took five years of her cruelty to for me to finally drop the guilt and realize that my only duty is to make sure her needs are met. Happiness has to come from the person, it is not the responsibility of their children. Once I realized I am not the happiness fairy it was like a weight had been lifted.
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Judyskid Apr 2019
Thank you.
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If you or another family member can't care for her in her home or yours the options are limited.
Having someone come in. And this will mean 24/7/365 as she will need "care" around the clock. This does not mean you will have to hire a nurse or even a CNA. If you hire through an agency they will not permit someone that is not a nurse to give medications. But if you hire privately you can instruct someone to give medications. There are drawbacks to hiring through an agency and there are pluses jut as there are pluses and minuses hiring privately.
Another option is Memory Care. There will be a locked facility so she can not leave or wander off. She will be cared for around the clock. Usually these are more "home like" and as long as she does not need Skilled Nursing care she does not need a "Nursing Home"
If you decide that you or another family member can care for her at home realize that modifications will probably have to be made. Larger bathroom, if possible roll in shower, higher toilets, no stairs, no carpet, wider doors to fit wheel chair these are just a few things.You should see a lawyer that is familiar with Elder Law make sure you or someone has POA for finances and Health. It is possible that they may suggest that your Mom needs a Guardian.

If you figure it our with modifications to her house, property taxes, insurance, upkeep, gas bill, electric, food, caregivers...it might be possible that moving her to Memory Care might be the same financially as keeping her at home.

Not an easy decision.

Also know that falls happen anywhere. They can not totally be prevented, they can be minimized. Decline will happen sometimes slowly sometimes rapidly.
Think now abut how you want to deal with emergencies, she most likely will not do well in rehab.
It might be the time to talk to the rest of the family about a POLST (Physicians Order for Life Sustaining Treatment) it is much more detailed than a DNR.
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I know that you are worried about your Mother falling and who would help her because she lives alone. Sooner or later you will need to decide how to get her help and decide that she cannot live alone anymore. Please note whether she lives with family or in a Nursing Home there is no fail safe place that will prevent all falls and it will happen. You just need to decide what place would be best.
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Oh I feel for you, you have probably already done this but have you checked to see if she has a UTI?
Circumstances sound a lot like it, I was convinced my mum was getting early onset Alzheimer's but doctor said it wouldn't happen that quickly & she had fallen twice in one month & dr did uti test & yep sure enough it was. Since then she's remembering better & not doing the little weird things that had me worried. Although uti might be a answer it doesn't stop the distress and exhaustion you and your family feel. I would definitely look into her being assessed so you can get her on a waiting list at least. My mum told me when I can't handle it anymore and she can't remember a lot that I'm to tell her our lease is up and she has to move... somehow she thinks this will make the transition easier. I hope that's true for when that day finally comes. You have been a great caregiver!!! You love her, but in the end there is only so much you can do without running yourself into a early grave. You are not a horrible person if she moves to a nursing home, you are actually a excellent caring person who realises she needs more care than any of the family can give. Your mum is loved! & So are you!!!! Keep coming back to forums they really do help. Much love😊
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Hi. The first signs I noticed, she did not know where to put dishes out of the dishwasher, She lives with me. So it was easily noticed. Next was washing all the dark and white clothes together, next was not sleeping in her room. But staying on the family room couch, with Fox News on all night and lights on, next was finding her notes on where I was, and what time. ( that’s extremely hard to deal with). Next , she stopped putting food away, then refused to bathe. Next, can’t write a check. ( but sometimes can). Next she won’t leave the house, can’t take meds without assistance, then the falls started. Wearing summer shoes in the winter, falling down the deck stairs, not telling me. Needing wound care , Sorry forgot to mention, zero short term memory. Now loosing long term. Walking around with pants unzipped. It goes on and on, But that’s her progression. She is on a waiting list for memory care. And that’s the best thing for her and for me. Because I can’t do this alone. Forgot to mention the dents in her car, Before she lost her license.
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lablover64 Apr 2019
Erinm60, my mother's decline was almost exactly as you described. Forgot how to use the microwave, the TV remote, the phone, etc. Couldn't write a check or do her taxes. Auditory hallucinations started, then lying, then leaving the house in the middle of the night. Every new event was worse than the last until I began to fear for her safety and my sanity. I found the memory care facility and moved her there. I won't say it didn't hurt and I didn't feel guilty because that would be a lie. However, my sister and I agreed, Mom is much better off where she is watched 24/7, assisted with her meds, has age and ability appropriate activities, and socialization.
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I want to recommend a book to you that really helped our family a lot. It’s not very long, but it really addresses a lot of these issues with love and compassion. it’s called “When Reasoning No Longer Works”. I ordered it for my Kindle from Amazon but you can get it other places. I think it may help you see the progression, and that she may be farther down the path than you think. https://www.google.com/search?q=when+reasoning+no+longer+works&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#imgrc=2OFEHDDTo3YOWM:
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Keriana Apr 2019
Thank you I e read a lot of books when my father in law had Lewy Body but I haven’t heard of this one. Thanks
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For you all the best way forward is that she goes into an ALF. You may need to persuade her that she will be so much better off with other people for company, and someone on hand just in case she has a problem / fall etc. Or you may have to be firm and say, sorry we have our own health problems and cannot cope anymore, we love you but we cannot deal with your problems and ours. Whatever it takes.
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Keriana Apr 2019
Yes that’s pretty much where we are at. It’s such a difficult time and I appreciate the support I’ve found here.
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It does indeed sound like your mom has dementia. Is it possible to arrange some testing while she is in the hospital? Do you or any of your siblings have a POA or Durable Medical POA? If not the time is now to get one, so you can legally request things. Call her doctor and see if he can order the neurological testing and if she said she wants a new doctor have the hospital call in a neorologist. Warning though-it’s hard to get accurate results if they won’t cooperate, and my MIL would not, so we’ve had to just go by our gut and by observation and exhibited behaviors.
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Keriana Apr 2019
The testing and assessment is now happening and she did all the POA’s 10 years ago so it would all be organised for us. That’s the kind of thoughtful woman she has always been. Thank you for your reply.
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You guys can only do so much on your own. Sounds like it's time for some outside help, even if she doesn't agree. May not be her choice at this point. And, if it helps any, I had a great Mom also. But you have to do what it takes to take care of her, even though in the moment, she may not agree with your decision. And anger dissipates, it's usually temporary,
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Thank you for your reply and understanding. It really is just a big weighing up process now I guess. I have this innate knowledge that it’s going to be a downhill journey from here unfortunately. I really worry about my sister as she’s going through so much herself and I think she won’t be able to handle much more with Mum. Thanks again I appreciate the time you took with your reply.
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sudalu May 2019
Keriana, if it's just starting, it may be a long time before she needs assistence for the dementia. My mother has been on and off confused for at least ten years. Mostly the problem was medication, UTI, hospital delirium, and/or anxiety/depression. She can go long periods of time (six months to a year) being perfectly normal. So I guess I'm saying it's the circumstances at the time. Now, at 98. she functions normally in the moment. She has little or no short term memory. She smiles at me when I ask her what she had for lunch at her ALF. She says: "If it was longer then 10 minutes ago, don't expect me to remember." An hour later it pops into her head. She can do everything for herself, including playing games, but every time she leaves her room she asks, "which way do I go?" I don't know what type of dementia she has, I suspect vascular dementia b/c of 4 mini stokes and a concussion from a bad fall about 4 years ago.
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She could be suffering from "hospital delirium". I hadn't heard of it before but apparently it's more the norm than the excecption. Especially in patients over 65. And really sick elderly patients. From what I've read on it: when there isn't any dementia it's only temporary and the patient comes out of the delusional state when he/she gets back to familiar place. If there is dementia that makes the hospital dilerium worse but it's still temporary.
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freqflyer Apr 2019
Sparky, that same thing happened with my own Mom who was in the hospital a couple days after a serious fall at home. This normally bright woman, in her 90's, was so very confused. Once she was back home, she started to be her old self.

The stats I have read said that 80% of elders get delirium when in the hospital, and 20% of very young people get it after having major surgery.
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Oh, dear. I am so sorry you have reached this point with your mom. None of us who are aging want to admit that we now need to rely on relative strangers for our care because we can no longer care for ourselves. We expect that our children will come to our aid, but sometimes that’s not possible. When people (such as your mom’s doctor) tell us what we don’t want to hear, we simply boot them out. After all, there’s nothing wrong with us and we can continue to live on our own like we did decades ago.

However, consider this. Is Mom’s wrath (the “cold shoulder) worth your constant fear and worry that something tragic may happen to her? You could have her tested for a urinary tract infection, but it’s quite possible she is showing signs of dementia. Only evaluations can reveal what is truly going on. Don’t bombard her with ideas of what she needs to do. She will only shut down. Can you hire in-home care for her? I suspect she will not understand that you and your sister have other obligations and cannot care for her. As a last resort, if things escalate to the point she is truly in serious danger of harm, you can explain to her doctors that she is unsafe at home and have her placed in a facility. This is less than an ideal situation but unfortunately may be necessary.
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