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My sister lives with my mother to "take care of her." My mother's needs have grown significantly in the last year. She needs help bathing, dressing, and needs someone to clean, take her to doctor's appointments and cook her meals. My sister does not work and makes no money. My mother fully supports her. She gives her her bank card to use and my sister routinely abuses the privilege, claiming she asks my mother and my mother says yes. My mom will always defend her. My sister seems to think she she should be paid for basic household duties like cooking, cleaning and doing laundry. I just think that's ludicrous, especially given the fact that she contributes absolutely nothing financially and routinely spends my mother's money with no accounting for my mother's financial needs. Am I being too harsh? Is it wrong of me to think a family member should perform the household basics because a) they live in the same house, and b) it's their mother?

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Yes, you are wrong to assume that one family member should do all the work with no compensation because it is their mother. Isn't she your mother, too?

In my mind, it is ALWAYS appropriate for a family member to be paid for caregiving, to the extent that isn't a financial hardship for the parent. In some cases room and board may be sufficient compensation, but not when round-the-clock caregiving is involved.

What would it cost your mother if your sister moves out and she needs to hire someone to help her bathe, dress, cook, drive her to appointments, clean the house, do the laundry? These are all things that can be hired out, so you should be able to determine the local costs. Can mother be left alone? Or does she need someone to be with her through the night? If so, what would that cost?

Your profile doesn't indicate what your mother's impairments are -- does she have mobility issues? The beginnings of dementia?

Mom defends your sister. She must be happy with the arrangement. Why is it bothering you?

Absolutely Sis should be compensated ...

BUT

The arrangement should be put on a business-like basis. There should be personal services contract that spells out what services are provided and what compensation is offered. Compensation could include room, board, and $x per month. The use of Mother's funds should be totally stopped. That would be considered "gifts" (which is OK, mothers are allowed to give gifts but it would complicate matters a lot if/when Mom must apply for Medicaid.) Much better to have this on a business basis. Sis does X, Mom pays Y. Sis should report and pay taxes on her income.

It is absurd to expect your sister to exist on no income just because the person she is caring for is her mother.

Look into what live-in caregiving costs in your area. That would be a big eye-opener, I would think.
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Please listen to what Jeanne says. Find out what CNAs cost in your area. You wouldn't be charging a live in aide rent. You would be lucky to find one.

Get to an elder care attorney and set up a caregiving agreement.
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About the only fair way is for you to move in with mom for a week while your sister is away. Yes move in, because living in with an elder is no picnic.
$20 an hour? She is getting $480 per day? Seems a bit high, a nursing home would be cheaper. Cut her back to $240 per day.
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It is not unsual for elderly parents to "be on their best behaviour" when they are looked after for a week by the "out of town sibling". Yes, she was helpful and loved it, and sunny and light, and happy and all of that. We have that same situation with my FIL where he is wonderfully perky for anyone else and puts enormous effort into staying perky for the week or for however long is required. Then they leave, confident in the knowledge that he doesn't need much support or help or assistance, and any body can do what I do. Its not rocket science after all, and gosh, its not even that hard.

But of course, FIL crashes for weeks afterwards from the strain of trying to keep it together for so long, and we have to put up with the moods, the tension, the exhaustion .... only now, we have family members who wonder why the hell we think it is so hard, or what on earth we need help with, or why we should we paid.

Pay your sister. She deserves to be valued. She is doing a huge job, and it is soul destroying on so many levels. trust us here .... we do it everyday and most of us have family members who undervalue or belitte what we do in every way, yet the fact remains: we do what others talk about doing. We carry the load 24/7 and manage to put it down for a week's leave - maybe.

it is not comparable to looking after her for a week and only seeing the very best of what your mom is because she is on best behaviour.
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You are so conflicted about this arrangement, it seems.

If this was a live in domestic, would you expect her to keep the house clean because she rented space there? or would that be part of her paid duties?

These arrangments don't work, usually, in my experience, because there is sibling drama lurking in the background. Please understand, I'm not saying that you're at fault here, but this is the nature of the beast. If you haven't seen Still Alice yet, go see it. you can see that the sibling who willing gives up career opportunities to stay home with demented Mom is eventually going to be told by dad and siblings that she's only doing this because she doesn't really have a career.

If mom is on edge, that's not good. Would she be better served in Independent or Assisted Living? The answer is probably yes. Go on some tours. Give your sister enough notice to get her act together.
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Yes, there should be compensation. That should include all the incidentals you've mentioned that are clearly not "mom's" expenses, so even Pam's suggestion of $240 per hr (that's over $80k per year, and add rent to that, too) is a bit high and probably includes food, too! I assume mom is not competent and that your POA has "sprung" and you are in control now. Since sis will need a lawyer to snatch POA from you or file in court for guardianship, you need a lawyer right now, too. No emails, no updates, no phone calls to sis. Mom can say whatever she likes to her. All siblings are entitled to know what your mom wants them to know, and if she cannot express those wishes now, hopefully she gave instructions in advance about how she wanted that handled by the POA. If there is a trust involved, and sis is either a trustee, co-trustee, successor or beneficiary, she has certain rights to know about the finances, including the sale of property. But medical info is completely at the discretion of the POA. Only way around that is if mom already gave the doctors permission to discuss mom's care with sis. Then she can call the doctors directly and not involve you at all. I know this from very nasty, very ugly personal experience.
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When your sister moved in did she give up a job and a home and a life to do it? I think most of us are having a harsh reaction to your question, but that's my reaction because that is what I've done. So far, most of us answering seem to think you are not giving your sister enough credit. (but I've asked a question on here and had some answer with a lambast about their own experiences with details that had nothing to do with my own situation- still, you do get a feel for opinions and maybe something you hadn't considered). good luck with all
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Yes, you should pay your sister. It sounds like she's doing a lot with your mother if she "needs help bathing, dressing, and needs someone to clean, take her to doctor's appointments and cook her meals." Then you said she is getting worse with the possibility of falling more often. Sounds to me like your sister may be getting burned out. It is a lot for one person to take care of someone 24/7 who is getting worse. You had a good week long experience and that's great. But you also had your husband and kids to help with as something as little as "Please get X a beverage." That may not sound like a lot but if you have three other people helping with such little things it adds up quick. Your sister does everything all day long.

From your comment about your mom always defending her it seems like you may be a little put off by that. It could be possible that your mother would have helped pay off your sister's debts even if she wasn't living with her. It sounds like that's a big part of the problem and you don't like it. If you had helpers come in, would it be possible for her to give money to them? If so, then she needs to be in a NH and not in control of her finances. If it's your sister then it could have beeb her choice to help her and there's nothing you can do about it whether you agree or not.

Yes, your sister deserves to be compensated. If you mother died tomorrow, she'd be out of luck. The job market is absolutely awful. Who knows how long it would take to find a job? And how old is she? Advanced age doesn't help when looking for a job. It kinda sounds like you feel like your sister has had it too easy and you're not going to take it any more. Sorry if I'm over stepping.

You guys definitely need to talk about it. Sooner rather than later especially if you feel your mom is getting worse with her mobility. Here are a couple of options.
1) You could rotate taking care of her. You get her six months and your sister gets her six months. That way your mom can keep her house, your sister has to get a job to maintain it (and it gives her respite - yes working would be respite).
2) Or you could ask your sister if she would be open to a part time job. Then you could pay for the helpers that come in. Your sister would still be taking care of your mom the majority of the time but she would have job experience and income all her own.
3) Keep things the way they are but pay you sister (by that I mean your mom). Pay her maybe $10/hr for 40 hours a week.

Whatever you choose you need to realize your sister is doing a huge job and doesn't need someone criticizing everything that goes on. You two need to set up boundaries/ground rules and follow them without running commentary on how things need to be done.
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thezookeeper, I think maybe your answer is to a different post ... ??
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I agree with ThirdCoastGirl. (except $ 10/ hr. is low and 40 hrs./ wk is understating it, so I would greatly increase one of those numbers)
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