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Anyone else caring for both parents? Dad is 94 had a stroke, mom is 86 barely able to walk, can't remember, disorganized, and basicaly doesn't want to care for dad, just wants me to step in and do it all. I can never do enough, everything they have is literally falling apart, there is simply not enough time in the day to take care of their home and mine, and there is so much junk everywhere. I could and do work all day mowing and raking gumballs and trying to clean and organize sheds and fix floors and walls that are falling down, we have put new floors in the house, new breaker boxes, and it's still needs so much, so I can be about to drop from the heat and work, covered in dirt and sweat, and say I need to sit down and eat and drink some water and cool off, and she will say, wait come here I need you to look at something. So I go to her and it's something else to fix, my God, it never ends. I am so sick of Dr.s and pills, there are so many pills, and everytime she or dad had a slight pain, they have to go to the Dr. and the doc gives more pills, when do we lose the understanding that we are not going to live forever?


Anger, then guilt, anger, then guilt, its a vicious cycle.

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My sister and I cared for our parents before they died. My dad died first and then Mom about 3 years later. We had about 2.5 years with both of them ill. Plus my sister was pregnant twice during their illnesses. It was not easy and there was always a problem or appointment of some sort. We were lucky that our parents had savings and we could hire assistance as needed. My husband and I had our own CPA business so it was easier for me to juggle work. My husband also helped a good bit. Within a year of my Mom’s death, my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I took care of him, but had some outside help. Our situation was not nearly as difficult as it could have been, but it was hard enough.
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Last1standing Oct 2019
i am so sorry to hear about you husband, i hope and pray he is ok.
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I'm looking after two parents in nineties. I have tried to sign them up for anything I can get, One is in Palliative care and the other in Hospice. The doctor put her in Hospice so that I could get needed help at home. I tried to get them into adult daycare but they would have none of it. I am also in a respite program. The local COA has not been helpful - have gotten more help by contacting the state Dept of Aging. My complaints have paid off, since my area is now getting more resources, though still far behind those in urban areas. I was doing everything all by myself for a long time - siblings have finally felt guilty and have stepped up to help some. It is still exhausting, but the additional help from Hospice is appreciated and I made a vow to myself that any of their money from Social Security that could be spared would be used to hire additional help ( though we are having trouble finding GOOD people) Yep - the house is messy and the yard could use a lot of work - Hospice nurse said, don't worry because you can only do so much.
Contact a social worker in your area and see if local churches will come and clean out sheds, do minor repairs, etc. There is one church in my area who does this for elderly people ( and more of them need to step up and help those who need help!) My parents will run me ragged too - I just walk off and ignore the complaints. Told them, if you want this done, then hire someone to do it!
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Great practical advice for others. Thanks!
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I am only taking care of my mother. My dad passed when I was young. My mom needs assistance with everything, and I mean everything. She broke both her shoulders and can not raise them even half way. She is diabetic and prone to falling and can't be left alone. I am a single mom of 1 who is 19 and helps when she can, but is working and going to school full time. My aunt takes her to all of her appointments because I have to work (fortunately I work from home). I need more income to pay the bills and wanted to get a second job, but I can't because my mom needs me there 24/7. I can't afford AL either. Does anyone know if there is monetary assistance available for people in situations like me?
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I did it. Both parents plus my oldest brother for awhile too. It’s very difficult.

Please try to get some help. Burnout is real! Then who takes care of you or them? I know the story of caregiving consuming your entire life.

That is what has happened to you. Caregiving has become your whole identity. Trust me as long as you’re in the middle of it you will be blinded by it.

Step away to get a new perspective. You need a break. You are aware that you need a break or you would not have reached out.

Get help wherever you can get it. Call Council on Aging. Call their house of worship if they belong to one. Some churches have ministries that prepare meals for others when needed. Volunteers that take them to doctor appointments and so forth.

Can they afford to hire outside help? If so, help by arranging to get that started for them.

Listen to others on this forum. Wise people on this site. They helped me in my time of need.
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I feel the same thing you are feeling.  As an only, there is no on else to delegate tasks to.  I kept my parents in their home for 2 years while I did everything...cooking, meal prep, cleaning, dr. appts, chemo appts, medicine management, yard work, my own home and family, and a full-time job with a 3 hour round trip daily commute.  My husband took over the cooking and taking care of our own home so I could focus on my parents, but it all became too much.  He finally said, you need to do something, you cannot keep up this pace.  I placed them in AL almost a year ago.  While it is terribly expensive, my sanity and health have to count for something.  My Mom has short-term memory loss, and doesn't "get" much of what goes on each day.  She is a physical shell of the person that she once was.  My best friend is gone and I'll never have her back again.  My father is angry at me all the time.  He has his own issues that require him to be with Mom in AL, but he can't see that.  He just thinks I want to control them.  Oh yes, I could not wait until my children left home so that I could run the lives of my parents.  Ugh.  He was quite content to sit in his chair while I did every single thing for them, single handedly.  I could have dropped on the floor and I still could not done enough, and I was very close to it.  I understand the anger and guilt cycle.  I still live it every day.  I'm so tired of crying I'm not sure I have any more tears left.  I too am so sick of everything.  While I don't have any advice for you other than, if at all possible, place them in AL, so you can still preserve some of you.  My parents are both only 78.  This could be a long, long road ahead, but I am trying to convince myself that I'm doing the best I can, and that I am important too.  Take care of you!
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First get POA and stop the pills, I got my dad off off everything except fish oil and a thyroid pill and low dose anti depressant . At age 91 with a host of physical probs it’s about comfort care...not prolonging his life. If anyone has their parent on a Statin, the pill for cholesterol, take them off. Doing that dramatically changed my mom. Statins can rob your memory and cause lots of other probs. The doctors are not in charge. Our brains thrive on cholesterol and statins shut that down. My guilt was over whelming 6 mos ago as dad was not getting that he needs a VERY high level of care that I could no longer provide . But with a lot of prayer and visiting him several times a week it’s so much better.also if anyone has a parent that is a veteran they might be able to get financial help for AL.
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Yes. Both my parents and grandma too.
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Very well said Last1, it certainly is insane, to feel so much pressure. I'm so sorry you're "burning-out", as they say. But we're the 'perfect children'...who me?😱, (or insecure children?) Yep,.. or maybe the firstborn? Uh...yeah, that's me2.
(Sorry to joke a little), but we get hurt by our own compulsions to: do right, finish the job, save the day...ect.
That's been my experience, anyway.
It's ok that you're burning-out, cuz it has to happen sometimes for us to say: 'enough!'
You're not guilty of anything, (but I understand the way we got there). Something drives us to prove we can fix it & fix it quick...right away, & hardly complain. Yeah,...that sucks tho.
Welcome to guilt-free living! From now on, just don't hurry, don't feel responsible, (takes practice), & get ready for a few things to fall apart around you,... while you have a beer.
But seriously...they must be placed ASAP, in a good faculty friend. Best wishes.
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Guilt?
So along with everything else above you must have killed someone or something?
Someone named Cindy Laverty wrote an article updated on the site here in August 12, called How a "fix it" mentality Leads to Caregiver Burnout. It was so good. You should find it if you type it into the search above.
This just cannot be made right, and the fact that you are willing to sacrifice your very life to it won't make it good either. Please begin now to discuss with family the necessity of placement for your own health and well being. Join the land of the "inadequate and severely flawed humans" limping along out here doing well as we can, but acknowledging limitations and that we are not Saints.
I never really understand the guilt thing. I just don't. I know my limitations, what I am capable of and what I am not. Yes, I might wish I were a better person, but I do the best I can with what I've got.
Your parents could likely enter ALF together, and have several rooms together. But whatever the circumstances, you owe it to yourself to have a life. This is the only chance you will get for that, you know. I won't even tell the tired old Eagle and Eaglets story again, but the duty of care you have is to your husband, your children. And you owe love and respect to your parents, and providing them the best care you can without sacrificing your own life. If you MUST feel guilty or depressed occassionally then by all means, curl up in the fetal position and allow yourself to mourn all that is unfair in life. Remembering that only the good grieve over tragedy. The narcissists and the psychotic personalities don't are at all.
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anonymous828521 Oct 2019
Hi Alva.
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They are past the point for assisted living; you've already taken that stage on yourself. They now need 24/7 caregivers in a memory care facility. It's hard and you've done A LOT, but it's time.
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“Anger, then guilt, anger, then guilt, its a vicious cycle.“ I’ve been there, done that, and got the T-shirt! LOL It was the hardest thing to do in my life especially I am disabled (cerebral palsy). My late parents used argue a lot with each other. I was the peacemaker. Mom was going mentally and physically. She had sundowner, kept losing her balance, and she was delusional. Mom ended up in the nursing home. It hurts!!

Now, my dad was difficult and very stubborn. Even though he loved me, he used to latch out verbally. I got emotionally distressed and extremely tired. It was very rough for me telling my dad that he smelled like urine, and he got angry. I had to force him to take a shower. I ended up calling the in-home agency to help him. I promised him not put him in a nursing home.

Crying at night helped at night to release my stress. Take a deep breath helped as well.
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Yes I am taking care of dad active at age 102 and deaf, and mom 97 with dementia. I feel like if I quit my job there STILL would not be enough hours in the day to tend to it all...I have a list of calls to make that could easily take a whole day alone. At least they are not on my case continuously, and dad is more the problem with his demands and expectations. It does never end, not until the real end, jokes about which one must keep to themselves. (Ex: Dad complains again about mom's snacking and poor eating habits (he brings the snacks in) and drinking of soft drinks. I respond sarcastically that it hasn't killed her yet which he thinks means I wish her dead LOL). I'm angry at the expectations, at the fatigue, at the no time for me...but guilt, that I am losing. We're all doing the best we can, they are lucky to have us. It takes some organization, boundary setting, appts only on certain days, maybe a new MD for med review to cut back instead of adding to, finding an MD who makes home visits, not being available to taking them or doing things...and there have been times I've been sweating in the kitchen, and that is the last straw. You're not alone.
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anonymous828521 Oct 2019
Gdaughter! Hi, I was absolutely thinking of u, when I saw this Q.
You have the floor...😁
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Both parents are 93. He has dementia and arthritis. She is legally blind and hard of hearing with a colostomy. They didn’t want to leave their house of 70 years, but the issue was forced when I had a cardiac arrest and couldn’t do all I had been doing. I had to move to be near my daughter, and they ended up in a nice Assisted Living facility nearby. They are doing fine and I still do things for them like finances, shopping and doctor visits but it is so much easier and less stressful. You sound beyond stressed, and I hope it doesn’t affect your health. Selling and cleaning out the house was a lot of work, but not what you are dealing with. As for doctors and health issues, that is a problem. The fewer meds the better. It seems there is always medical problems at this age. So frustrating. But I do know you need to take care of your own health and have less stress without feeling guilty! Sometimes we have to make decisions for them. Change is hard. You all need help. It’s more than one person can handle, especially as dementia worsens. Best wishes to you. I hope you find some peace.
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You are not alone. My brother and I take care of both our parents. Dad 96 has dementia Mom 88 is close behind. She has given up on doing anything for him or herself. We put them in memory care 7 months ago, trying to get them the best 24 hr care available to them and help relieve some of the stress they have put us under. It has help a great deal but there are still daily battles and needs to be meet. We do our best and try to still live our own lives but there are times when you just want to scream. Sometimes you need to just step back and reassess the situation. Each day presents new problems. Keep it all in prospective. Good Luck. Sending prayers.
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anonymous951699 Oct 2019
Thanks for your perspective, I found it helpful.
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Hello L1s,

You sound like a decent, caring person and very normal in the guilt/anger cycle.
I care for both parents, and have similar personal issues.

My folks are the same ages, and in somewhat better shape than yours. I do have siblings, who although they mostly don't get why I'm burned out (I'm not working and live "for free"), they step up as best they are able sometimes.

That being said, if I were in your position, I would start with hiring a caregiver. If that doesn't give you some much needed relief and assistance, take the steps to have them placed in a facility. It is not a failing or deficit of character on your part.

Caregiver burnout is finally being acknowledged, and there are organizations to which you can turn. Start with alz.org

I wish you well.
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Call and speak to your Department of Aging.  Find out about all alternatives including Adult Day care, respite services, in-home services, long term care services, etc.  You owe it to yourself and ultimately to them to not get yourself mentally and physically sick.
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Me! I am an only child. My parents moved a few houses down the street from me in 2004, which turned out to be a real bummer! I won't go into all of the gory details of the past decade, but lets just say it's been drama & ugliness from drinking, to marital problems, falls, etc.

Dad: I saw his decline into dementia. Mom was drinking heavily, verbally abused him, refused to care for him. I had to place him in Memory Care facility in early 2017. I oversee his care there - visit weekly, receive all of the phone calls that he's fallen, needs more Depends, etc., and I handle all of the billing and long-term care paperwork.

Mom: Still lives at home down the street, alcoholic, smokes, refuses to care for the house, herself, or take any responsibility for my dad. She calls me multiple times a day. Yesterday I had to place her in a mental health hospital. This is her fourth stay there in a year. Sadly, she will probably be home next week. She uses a walker. She refuses to consider ANY other living arrangement and at this point she's not far-gone enough for me to force her out of the house.

Mom is only 77 and in this shape. Dad is only 81 and in this shape. I've had a front-row seat to the sh*tshow for a decade (which is now 20% of my life), and probably still a ways to go.

I still have their house and belongings to dispose of at the end of it all. A house that is not being maintained and will have to be sold as a fixer-upper.

I run a small business. My last day away from work was Labor Day - I've been working 7 days a week. My own house is a mess. I can't keep this up much longer.
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Last1standing Oct 2019
i am so sorry, i am thankful neither of my parents drink "anymore" but the pills are almost as bad, dr.s keep them so doped up they fall at the time. i find myself wondering how the did we get here?
ive been doing thus for 5 yrs. i just cant imagine doing it for a decade or more. you are a very strong person. i truly pray things get easier for you, somehow.
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It sounds like there is no option but to look for Assisted Living or Memory Care for them.
Begin to look into Medicaid applications if necessary.
If either are Veterans you might be able to get some help from the VA contact the Veterans Commission office in your area they can do some research to help determine what can be done to help out. (Do not pay for this service, there are people that will charge)
It might also be time to talk to an Elder Care Attorney to determine next steps as far as POA?, Guardianship? lots of other things to clear up.
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You can't do this without killing yourself. Say "no, I cant do this anymore".

Find them the appropriate level of care and move them.
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Not my parents but my step father and his wife. He is 90 and in terrible health, she has dementia. In February my brother and I went to AZ to sell their house and put them in AL.

They were hoarders, we dumped, dumped and dumped. The two of us spent 12 hours a day, tossing and sorting. In a week we have it cleaned out, painted and up for sale. In the meantime we placed them in AL. We sold it in 5 days.

We knew that we would have to move them to FL and we did in July.

Neither my brother or I are equipped to be caretakers, so there was no discussion, they were going to be placed in a home.

I will help them, but I am not going to give myself up for them. If it were my mother the same would apply. I see no need for me to pretend to be Florence Nightingale.

Why not consider placing them in AL, your mother is not going to change, it is up to you to change you. Your thinking, your emotional mindset, there are tools available to combat anger and guilt.

Start by putting yourself in the drivers seat, them in the back seat. My Best.
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