I have been taking Mom to get her hair done every Friday as that is what she is used to. It is really ridiculous because all they do is wash it and blow dry it and charge 45 bucks. I decided to save money I would try to wash her hair. She literally screamed at the top of her lungs and said I was trying to drown her, etc. The only person she will allow to wash her hair is the beauty parlor lady. I have tried numerous methods of washing it slowly in the sink or shower but she reacts the same. I asked her why she is doing this and she said she is afraid of not being able to breathe. I just wonder if something happened as a child to her. Her mother was an alcoholic and very abusive. Maybe she is going back to something that happened when she was younger? Any help is appreciated. Thanks.
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If she likes going to the beauty parlor, then $45 is a small tradeoff to avoid the anxiety and fear.
You didn't mention whether she has dementia. Maybe there is a way to cut the cost and combine her trip to the salon with something else, like a mani/pedi or a nice lunch, so it could be her "day of beauty" or "mother/daughter day" celebration!
It is NOT a mother/daughter day weekly celebration. It is a weekly ordeal for the OP and an expense the mother cannot really afford and neither can the OP.
In the salon, do they wash it in one of those sinks where she kind of lays back? Because that's how we as nurses used to wash hair. We used a bedpan (plastic ones CHEAP on Amazon), had the patient lay back with neck over front of pan where it indents, which was padded with wash clothe, used minimal suds and a water pitcher to rinse. So their faces were never near water. Other than that I would look on youtube "washing bedridden person's hair". Might be something, and would look on amazon for any great products they may have to help.
I hope that the leg condition/swelling was seen by a doctor. You were headed to one, then canceled? She should be seen for that.
Adding edit to say amazon does INDEED have nifty hair washing stuff out there. Look in their search for "hairwashing for bedridden. Lot's of good stuff and you can keep it under 30.00.
Anyway, my point with all this is, after one saintly angel of an OT cut out her mat, she retrained her to do everything in the shower with assistance. She had a shower chair too. When she got to the memory care facility, she did fine with showers and followed directions. They have never said that she was refusing showers or was difficult to assist. Her dementia has passed all that over, and now this is her normal. So it is possible! Also, she would not allow it with me, but would with the therapists. With them it was fine. Maybe your mom needs a home health aide to just do the bathing once a week. It is a completely exasperating situation, but as the dementia progresses, what was once the horrible issue gets left in the dust for something else down the line.
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Maybe try something like this product in-between salon visits to stretch your budget and she may decide she prefers it.