She says she throws it away, but she has stacks of it all over. She says she doesn’t send them anything, but she has been for at least 7 years that I know. I recently found duplicate checks from 2017. Until then I didn’t know it had been going on that long and probably longer! I’ve told her these are scams and she just looks at me like I’m a babbling toddler. She gets 50+ pieces of mail per day. I’ve put her on the direct mail list, but you have to directly contact every business or organization that you’ve worked with or donated to. So it’s very difficult to get it slowed down, much less stopped.
Put all her bill payments on autopay through the bank or her credit card. Remove her debit card. Keep only the bare minimum of cash in her checking to cover bills and expenses. All other cash goes into her savings account where she cannot easily access it.
Give her a pre-loaded cc so you control the amount on it and she can spend it on herself and not give away her money.
The problem with USPS divert/ forward is that it only forwards first class postage. Junk level mail still goes to the box!
Sounds like she is living alone.? Can you get to the mailbox every day and beat her to it?
The problem with USPS divert/ forward is that it only forwards first class postage. Junk level mail still goes to the box! What you could do is see if you can take away mailbox at the house, and set up a PO Box at the post office, tell them you want ALL mail to go there, and then you or another family member sort through it and only take her to real mail she needs to see
Folks with AD and dementia need their world's to be shrunken down so there's very few decisions for them to make. Decisions lead to confusion and trouble. In Memory Care Assisted Living, their biggest decision in a day is which of 2 plates to choose for dinner. Replicate that smaller world for mom at home and have the checkbook vanish and the decisions removed, for the most part. Look at the mail and remove 90% of it BEFORE she sees it.
Best of luck to you.
It's maddening, but their bank has automatic overdraft protection. So even though I've canceled all his credit cards and taken away his access to his retirement accounts, and I make sure to leave no more than $200 in his checking account where he has only a debit card, if he charges more than that, they will cover it and charge him for it. Aarrggh. If it continues I may have to take away his debit card.
She is at home, is she, and suffering no dementia.
If she is home in her own home and handling her own life there is little you can do with this habit/compulsion and it is exceptionally common.
If she has dementia you can attempt to protect her by taking over management of her accounts and bills.
If you are at some in between place where you see her daily you might consider doing a change of address where you get the mail first, and monitor it.
This is a tough one. I wish you good luck.
It seems the better she feels physically the more irritable she is. I know she’s unhappy about losing her own place.
She wants to do everything her way and is very hard to deal with. There isn’t money for assisted living and she would hate being put in any kind of “home”.
you mention "She wants to do everything her way ". That plus the other aspects sounds very much like my dad. The problem with "She wants to do everything her way " - eventually this has to give. For the caregiving family, eventuallly you just cannot any more let them get their way with everything. I have found this the hardest part, to reverse this dynamic of my dad dictating his way. But I have found its now essential to do this. Can he chose if he wants chocolate or strawberry ice cream for dessert? Sure, for that he can have his way! but for potentially dangerous decisions, I'm fighting hard to reverse this. FOr things like mail, just not having him see it has been the best way. You will even see my post about being POA and whether to disclose to him damage to his house! So far I have not disclosed it as he will want the repair of it "done his way" which likely will be a disaster ( as now I discover that for 10 years he was doing crazy patchwork repairs, which has led to a disaster of a house!)
Anyway, took my brother & I years to pry her out of her house into AL. So many surprises when we really got into her house, cost her $30,000 just to get it saleable. We did not ask for her permission we just got the deed done.
Here is the kicker, she loves AL all the activities and new friends, now she says "I wish I had moved here10 years ago"!
Go figure!
Go figure
They have mailboxes that the mailman can put the mail in it , but then you need a key to get it out . Don’t give Mom a key to it . This way you go through her mail first .
1. Mom needs a purpose. Collecting mail, reading it, replying is all 'work'. She propably can't do housework or shop outside much?
Fiding a replacement activity that provides her interest & value.. this may be be tough. Reminds me of the Hoarders TV show where desipite the house being FULL, the occupant is down at the thrift shop everyday. People need activity.
2. Who is in charge?
If Mom is living in her own unit but this is your Son's property, then technically he is her Landlord. Yes?
As her Landlord HE gets to have rules that control what is reasonable. No overfull letterbox, no piles of papers inside (fire risk). Tidy up or move on Grandma!
Is he willing to be the 'Bad Guy'?
Or can a comprimise be found?
Eg Choose 3 charities/cateloges ONLY & only 2 months back issues stored.
Do not allow Mom to sign up for Magazines and no contests, they sell addresses.
Here is the Federal Trade commissions info on Junk mail
https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/how-stop-junk-mail
My Mom did not get much junk mail but I was able to stop most of it.
After a series of falls my 80-year-old sister-in-law ended up in assisted-living. We lived two hours apart. She dreamed of going home at some point so we didn’t sell her house. Her longtime next-door neighbor took her mail to her. He mentioned to us she received piles of junk mail, catalogs, and magazines.
When I visited her, her apartment was littered with partially paid bills, donation requests and order forms for junk from the catalogs. There were also overdue notices from the utilities for her house and multiple copies of magazines because she had been renewing her subscriptions randomly. She was mailing in those “ order now – pay later” postcards that fall out of magazines.
She had been telling us she was taking care of all of this, but she wasn’t. That part of her life was gone. I dumped everything into a bag and took it with me.
At that point, we activated the POA , went to the post office, and used the mail in form to have her mail forwarded to us. I checked the vacation box on the form. We also initiated “change of address” on some of the items.. I contacted the magazines via the Internet and phone, and canceled the multiple subscriptions on the magazines. They issued refunds. For her utilities, we went to auto pay.
We mailed back the solicitations with self addressed postage paid envelopes, We stapled a small note to the solicitation form that said there would be no more contributions from this address/ person. Please remove this address from the mailing list.
Everything was forwarded to us… even ads for new windows and generators. Her neighbor took magazines to her that she continued to enjoy. Overtime, she lost the ability to write checks and to use the phone.
Now, almost 3 years after we did this and 2 years after her death, we continue to receive an occasional junk catalog and solicitations for a boys school somewhere in Kansas. But most of it has stopped.
Hope this is helpful.
They have a new hotline you can call in which an "advisor" (a trained volunteer) will talk with people about attempted scams. Because most elders involved in all this use it as sort of a remedy for loneliness and a social outreach, giving your Mom this number may help her to talk with someone about common scams out there.
The number is 877 908 3360 for AARP fraudwatch network helpline.
They recommend putting this number into your smart phone numbers and call when suspicious or to report new fangled attempts to get your money. It's sure going into mine!
I've created labels "return to sender; take off mailing list" - covering up your mom's name and address. Some of this may be returned. It won't stop it though.
I believe you are right - each mail piece needs to be addressed separately. Once on a junk mail list, it grows expeditiously.
Lots depends on the follow up you might be able to do:
Is your mom a hoarder?
Does she have dementia? what kind?
Anxiety? how to address?
Bordem - perhaps part of the reason she does this.
Time to move into a facility?
Or have a person move in with her (caregiver).
Take away access to sending money; you get on all her financial accounts.
This is the most important part. That she is unable to send $ to anyone.
You must get legal authority to manage her finances. I believe you can also block her use of accounts / credit cards / checking accounts to a limit. Perhaps make this a $10 limit, if that is possible. Or block all use.
Gena / Touch Matters
She won't know of this change.