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My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts and have been dating for 7 years now. We are 24 and I ( after a recent talk it has become apparent that only I feel this way that’s why I don’t say “we”) feel ready to take the next steps of getting engaged and moving in together already. We had talked about it many times and he has mentioned that he doesn’t feel comfortable leaving his grandma alone but still we had both come to the conclusion that we would get an apartment for ourselves. The reason that I want to live together alone with him is to really get a home for OURSELVES, a home where I could build up and decorate as my own home as well, instead of living with his grandma and not having that sense of home. I love and respect my boyfriend’s grandma but I don’t want to move in with her because, it’s HER home (and home of my boyfriend) and I would not feel like it is a home where I could make it feel mine too. I want to start my married life in the privacy and safety of a place that feels mine and my boyfriend’s. Up until yesterday I kept daydreaming and getting impatiently excited for that new beginning of ours that would be accomplished this year but after stringing me along for months he now said that he doesn’t think that we’ll move in somewhere alone because he doesn’t want to leave his grandma alone. It hurts to have been brought down to ground level after him letting my expectations for that plan fly for months but I commend him for being a good grandson. Still, I don’t want to move in with his grandma because if I move in, I know that his plans will be to stay there. It’s frustrating that he has more responsibility than any cousin, sibling, aunt/uncle, that should be just as responsible for his grandma. It all comes down to him being the last one to leave the house. I know that in the future we will care for our old grandparents/ parents but we are still young and I would like to enjoy these young years alone with him. I don’t know what to do and I feel bad that I feel this way even though his love for his grandma is respectable. I don’t know what to do and so I am just broken hearted and frustrated at the heavy news. Again, I respect his grandma a lot but I really want to keep growing into my own person in the intimacy of my own home and not feel as a guest during these prime marriage years. I have not heard any of her input in this but it seemed like the grandma and his mom don’t have a problem with him and I getting a place so it is mostly my boyfriend making this decision. Would it be wrong to let the grandma live by herself?

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You may have had years invested in this relationship but it seems it is all one sided. He has not made any effort to move your relationship to the next level. That is not an accident; he does not want to move forward. Really you should run...and go create the life you really want and not the life you have imagined you will have with this guy. What happens when "grandma" needs more care? Are you willing to do that. If you cannot end it, maybe just take a break and see what life might be like without this hanging over your head
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Rose, I think it's also possible that this guy's just clueless. If he were a really bad guy, you'd not have tolerated it all this time - right? I agree that's it's extremely likely he's wanting to move you in for his own gain as a caregiver for grandma or whatever else. But.... my own DH was neglected as a child. I suspect physical/sexual abuse as well, but he denies. The neglect was bad enough and it affected him profoundly in terms of how to be a boyfriend/spouse. I always knew there was something off about him and it took years to figure it out. We dated during the same years you mention: age 17 to 24 (at which time we did marry). He did not know how to be in a loving relationship, but seemed willing to learn. He wasn't mean.... just not loving. Didn't seem to understand how to love - if that makes sense. Love had not been shown to him and I recall MIL laughing about how she would leave DH crying in his crib and didn't tend to him. "My other child needed me" she said. In reading your story, I could kind of see my DH living with Grandma and just thinking I'd move in (after marriage) and not looking at it any further than that. To him, it would be simple: He's got a place, why move? No rent? Why move? Complexities of life often escape him(even to this day) as normal behavior wasn't modeled (or at least not to him). He struggles greatly with understanding how he is perceived by others - like a little child without friends who doesn't understand why other kids don't want to play. Yes, your boyfriend may be paving the way for him to stay rent free with you doing hands on care for his grandma while his life does not change. However, that may not have crossed his mind if he is very emotionally immature for whatever reason and can't see beyond the end of his own nose. However, in either case, it's not yours to fix and you should not feel that you must give up your future for him and Grandma. You do not have to rehabilitate him or teach him what he should have already known before you met him. The only person you can change is yourself and you are still young enough to start a new path for yourself - it gets tougher to start over as we age. And seven years of dating is a long time - trust me, I know. I have to constantly be in teaching/fixing mode and I am tired. Our marriage spans many decades by this point. Other women would have divorced him long ago - and he would have never figured out why. It just does not compute in his brain - and he is indeed extremely intelligent. Only you can decide what you can live with and what you cannot.
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Rose, thanks for the update. What I read is from a woman who is maturing. How it works with your boyfriend will depend if he matures along with you. People do outgrow each other. Like I said before relationships tend to get "comfortable". We all need to find our own way and learn what we personally want out if our lives. If someone comes along who wants to share that life OK. But, that person needs to make u his priority. He needs to love you for who u are warts and all. Not who he wants you to be and that goes both ways.

Please follow up on how things are going.
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Well, if he's not willing to leave his grandma to have a separate life with you as his wife, is he worth staying with? I'm sure you love him and it would hurt to break up with him. It's rough either way. But better to find out now then after you're married. You're wise to set boundaries and want your own place with your man.

I get it in a way. A few years ago after my husband and I moved into our house, his mom and step-dad proposed that we take over his sister's care (who has a autism, though pretty high-functioning, she doesn't drive and still has to be reminded of etiquite, hygiene and she's 24). I have told my husband that we really need to clarify that with his mom and step-dad before that "someday" comes. We were going to see them this weekend and talk to them then, but of course, his mom and step-dad have covid. We should have just said "No" right away but were caught off guard and have a hx of people pleasing.

Anywho, I hope this lets you know that I get where you are coming from and it's okay to have boundaries to guard your heart and keep your sanity.
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Rose, Rose, Rose. In all your 24 years of life, did you ever date anyone else, break up with anyone before and have your heart broken? If not, that’s part of your problem.

You are so fearful of the hurt from breaking up that the fear is stopping you from doing the right thing. Mature adults will do what’s necessary even if it’s hard and painful.

Answer this question in your head. What’s the WORST thing that could happen once you break up with the wrong boyfriend? Are you going to kill yourself? Hope not. Are you going to spiral out of control and don’t know what to do with life? Hope you’re stronger than a snowflake.
Perhaps, you will cry. Cry for all the lost years and memories. After that, you will feel sad for a long while. But you will start feeling better and will start meeting others. Then you will not think about this guy so much. And one day, you realize you hadn’t thought of him at all.

Do you cook? Bake? Create things? If you do, you know that the quality of the ingredients is essential. Bad ingredients get you bad results.

Same with building a life. Choose your life partner wisely. Don’t just choose to stay because you are too scared to look around and find what is best for you.

You can do this. Leave this boy for his grandma. He is not the best ingredient for building a happy marriage.
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Rose, where are you living now? Are you living by yourself?

If that's the case, especially, I would friendzone the BF. Meaning no physical benefits. He can't be seeing your apartment and you as a place to have sex, then go home to granny. If he wants to demonstrate independence, he needs to get his own place and from there perhaps you resume the physical.

This experience also gives you an excellent springboard to talk to your own parents. If you haven't left home yet, you need to for exactly the same reasons your bf needs to. At that point you make clear that should they require aging solutions in the future, you'll help them as versus being the solution--just as you will not be imposing on them by making them take your family in or putting them on any future babysitting schedule.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
I’m currently living with my parents because rent is so high in LA, living on my own would honestly leave me with very little money to save. I really like that idea of friendzoning him A LOT! It would serve to motivate him more, of course I don’t want it to be the only motivation but I think it would be very fun and exciting! Thank you for your reply!!
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Rose,
Excellent that you have replied and are thinking on your situation now and in the future.

I want you to be able to discern the truth. Can you read a bit on the term:
"future faking"?

The boyfriend may have done this, and if so, you need to protect yourself from a crazy future, with him ultimately saying to you:
"I never said that"; I never said I will marry you".

Maybe you have been 'gaslighted', strung along; deceived.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
I really really hope that’s he’s not doing this, that would put a big nail on the coffin although it would make it easier for me to break it off
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Dear Rose, thank you for coming back, and also for telling us that replies have actually helped you.

Right now you have my sympathy, and also my respect. You have spent so many years with a plan in your head and heart, and it’s very very difficult to accept that the plan was wrong all along. Where do you go from there, to wipe out the old plan and find another one with a better chance of working? That’s where my respect comes in – you have signed up for classes, you are determined to meet more and different people. Great stuff!

Don’t get bogged down by ‘he suffers from depression’. Perhaps he is depressed because he feels so bad about stringing you along instead of going through with the old plan. Getting out yourself might set him free too. And if it doesn’t, it’s his problem to fix, you can’t fix it – certainly not by continuing just as you have been. Go, girl!
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Rose87 Jan 2022
Thank you so much for the words Margaret! I’m honored and feel like I’m floating high, also about his depression, that would make a lot of sense…
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Hello everyone, I am sorry for not replying in a long while after so many helpful replies. Really really these replies helped me so much in deciding what to do and help me feel more confident in my decision. I wanted to have the right words to reply to such helpful and profound replies but it has been hard putting words together that are worthy of all these replies. My circumstance with my boyfriend was still up for question since we have been fighting a lot so I felt like I hadn’t moved yet from where I started and I wanted to bring good news, or news at all. Still sorry it took this long, it has just been hard seeing my relationship mend and then strain (arguments about small things and then become big) and repeat in just the time frame of since I posted my cry for help to yesterday. I read the replies 20 times a day because they gave me comfort, I talked to my boyfriend and let him know that I don’t have any plans on moving in but instead I want a life with him in the privacy of our own home and if he’s not willing then it’s ok but then I’m moving on by myself. Not as in breaking up with him but as letting time flow and letting the relationship die out on its own. I tried my best to not make it sound like an ultimatum as I was advised here so that later on he won’t hold resentment. Many of you say and know that it’ll be very hard to move on from this relationship and I’m understanding first hand now. Yes he is a great grandson but like many of you said in a marriage we come as one and I should be prioritized, I told him that he doesn’t make me feel that way and after we talked he came to the decision of doing what I wanted. To be honest everyone’s words are still floating in my head and I see things much clearer so im not 100% convinced he is ready.
Also many people asked about his other adults, they are out living their lives not living with grandma leaving the youngest of the family with grandma, so yes I think you guys are right that they are using him as the scapegoat. The mom is living with her boyfriend, aunt/ uncle have their own place and my boyfriend’s brothers are out living with their partners. My boyfriend does not provide money for that house. It sounds rude to say it like that but it’s true. (Also to answer another question, he does not heavily take care of her as if she’s ill, he is there, if she needs something he is there to get it. So no, he doesn’t take care of her in a medical way. He just wants to be there when she passes away.)

I do need to meet more people, you guys have opened my eyes to that. I need to experience things and grow on my own I see that now more than ever thanks to you guys. I’ve gone out of my comfort zone to sign up for artist meet and greet groups and am looking into cooking and dancing classes to open my circle. I haven’t gone yet because COVID came to my house first but I will push myself for it. And about my boyfriend we made up, talked and he promised to live that life starting this year but to be honest I’m not putting my hopes up that high anymore just in case it doesn’t happen. I will let his actions speak while I enjoy my youth not worrying about will he or won’t he or about marriage. You guys are wiser than me and many have advised me to leave him, I think I’ll let time do it itself as I open my horizons like suggested by some here. I’m not going to sit and wait on him anymore. I am beginning to have the courage now to say, “Ok it’s not working out” but I think I’ll hold those words and see what happens first. Im dumb and in love and am hoping for a change, but recent arguments made me very close mentally and emotionally to be ready to say enough. Hopefully I am making sense, im typing while going through the booster side effects. Also he suffers from depression etc, so it’s even harder to say those words.
I was forgetting to say, thank you for validating my feelings pouring such detailed and helpful advice. I don’t feel selfish anymore, I feel strong about my decision.
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Daughterof1930 Jan 2022
Rose, thank you for the update. You seem to be gaining strength and confidence, attributes that will always help in life’s journey. Wonderful that you’re pursuing your own life and interests. I’d bet you’ll be fully ready to leave this mess behind sooner than you think. I wish you the best
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I would love to began by saying. Ur boyfriend is a wonderful grandson and he loves her dearly. However, he’s not really a good boyfriend. It’s been 7 yrs to long. Yes ur young to soon to get married should have been engaged. However, I think he’s not for u and that’s to much of a burden for such young folks. Where is his mom or other mature ppl. U guys should be living ur life. He could check in on her. I think u should let him stay with his grandma and u go on ur way. He loves her more. I think u would be the caregiver and he would be living his life. Live separate and date.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
I think exactly that! I don’t want to be her caregiver anytime soon! Unfortunately I also see that he is not the best boyfriend for me. He is amazing more times than not but when we fall we fall very deep. Thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate it!
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Just curious, Rose, do you have anything to say or are you even still here?

Some feedback for all the time and effort put in to answer your post is always appreciated, by everyone.
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Yep. I keep checking for a reply. The comments have been great. Heart wrenching, funny and smart. A terrific thread no matter what.
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You know he doesn't want to marry you, so why waste your life waiting on his family? This isn't about grandma - but he is using her as a convenient excuse to drive you away. Take the hint. You deserve better.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
I DO deserve better I am seeing that in every argument now. And you’re right, he would say he does want to but in reality not as in the “ok LETS DO THIS”, he’s saying that now and I believe that he wants it now but I am emotionally not convinced and I am trying not to get carried away anymore. Thank you very much for reading and replying!
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[Old fashioned alert!] You have been romantically involved with this boy (notice I did not use the word "man") for seven years? And you are both in your mid-twenties, and he does not want to marry you? He really has told you everything you need to know about his commitment level. You are not his number one concern, and you would need to be to even consider a life together. I wonder if you have invested so much time hoping this would work out, and of course you have feelings for him and have remained true to him rather than considering another man, that you are uneasy about admitting that this is not going anywhere that makes longterm sense for you at all. In any case, don't settle for just moving in with some guy, in Grandma's house or in any other dwelling. No matter how prevalent cohabiting is in our society, if you look around, you can see how generally badly it is working out, particularly for women. If you need a place to live, do something as drastic as joining the Army or something as tame as finding some sensible women to share rent. Save yourself for a man who marries you first. You are worthy of that.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
“He really has told you everything you need to know about his commitment level.”
Sadly he did, and I am hurt by it. His words don’t matter if he won’t show them by actions right? By big boy actions… I definitely do see that it generally goes worse for the ladies when moving in like that which is another reason why I’m so against it. To be honest I need a rock, a MAN that will make decisions about our future without me having to guide him through. Yes, this year I’ll let time flow naturally and will move in somewhere with other girlies if he doesn’t hustle up. Thank you for your words after ready my post!
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Run for the hills young girl this would make you so unhappy think that you need to move on and let your boyfriend spend his life with his Grandmother on his own he is not the one for you
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Rose87 Jan 2022
I want to try a little bit more before I move on… after I talked to him using the advice from these replies it seemed like a wake-up call to him. Well hopefully he gets up before I’m gone. Thank you for making me laugh and the reply!
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You must decide what is best for you, not what is best for the grandmother. Your boyfriend has already decided what is best for his grandmother. This is now about you and your future. If you feel this way now, you will be miserable if you move in with them. Don’t worry about being labeled “selfish”. This is your life and you have only one. Spend it wisely.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
Thank you Elleoop! I feel better and more brazen about my decision, I don’t feel selfish anymore because like you said I gotta look out for myself and it took a lot for me to realize that. I appreciate it a lot!
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Respect for his grandma is admirable, and also his love for his grandma, but where is his respect for you and your respect of yourself? Time to sit down and be honest and assess your own feelings, your bf, and your relationship.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
You’re right AliBoBali, it’s time for me to really think and figure out what’s the best thing for ME and my future. I think that it being a hard pill to swallow is a small sign that I am unsure of the relationship’s future. Thank you for replying!
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Rose87: Imho, something seems amiss with the SEVEN year relationship that you have with your boyfriend. You've invested seven years with this young man. Wherein lies the plan to move forward?
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Rose87 Jan 2022
Well I thought the plan to move in engaged was moving forward but it was just me thinking that at that time. and he says we’re doing that now but maybe the arguments that we’ve had have made me unsure whether we’ll make it or not :( thank you for reading and posting!
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Your daydreaming has turned into a nightmare. One that will prevent you from maturing, your brain becoming fully grown at age 25.

age 25
Brain Maturity Extends Well Beyond Teen Years. Under most laws, young people are recognized as adults at age 18. But emerging science about brain development suggests that most people don't reach full maturity until the age 25.

Forget the grandma issue. Be selfish enough to allow for your future happiness.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
I feel that way too that’s why I’m done daydreaming and getting my hopes up for the plans. Meanwhile I’m going to focus on how I can improve and grow myself on my own. I will be and won’t put myself down for it anymore, thank you for your advice!
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Let me tell you a story: My daughter dated a wonderful young man for 8 years, beginning right before college. Everyone loved him. Great son-in law prospect. But he didn’t ask her to marry him in all that time. They talked of a future together… but as time went on, he seemed happy to keep things as they were. One day, she said to me, “I don’t think we’re going to make it”. She was unhappy…and she broke it off with him. Within a year and a half she was happily engaged to someone ELSE. They’ve been married for a couple of years now and have a beautiful daughter.
My advice is break it off with him NOW. It will hurt. But you need to move on. Your boyfriend is still a nice young man, but he doesn’t seem ready for you. You don’t have to feel bad for putting yourself first. Best wishes!
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Yep. My friend dated a guy through college and a few years after. Nice guy. But not exactly focused on much. So, one day she tells me, she's on the roof of his house, nailing a few shingles-I interject-"Why? Where was he?" She said "he was busy with his Mom-they went for tea". Huh? Her disconnect with what was going on was sad. I offered my perspective on what had happened and other issues that had come up with his mother. Thank goodness she left him a few months later-he never tried to get her back. She met and married a wonderful guy, couple great kids too.
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Time to put on your Big Girl panties! Big. Red. Flags.!! You're way too young to continue being strung along, and highly possible caregiver for Grandma and later (guess what) his Mom too after Grandma passes! Doesn't sound like he's mature enough for a normal adult commitment. You deserve better, and the right mature man will come along at the right time... just be patient. You'll be happier with a "Mr Right, not Mr. Right Now." As others have posted, YOU will eventually become a caregiver. Get your own place/space, put yourself first! The Handwriting (future) is on the Wall-just don't move in!!
Wishing you Strength & Confidence🙏. (())
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Rose87 Jan 2022
That’s what I told him, his love for me is not an adult love, and the love that we have for each other is different. My love made me ready but not him and letting time do it’s thing is my small way of letting the relationship take its time to die out if he doesn’t stand up and mature for it. Hopefully he is my Mr. Right (and shows me soon) because I’m gonna have to choose what’s right for me soon. Oh and I tell him that too! Later on we’ll be our parents caretakers but that’s way into the future and we shouldn’t be having to do that just yet and instead his mom + older family should step in :( thank you for wishes and reply, I greatly appreciate!
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I really do agree with all who are against you committing to such a relationship.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
I inside agree too but I want to give it one last chance after giving him the wake up call and if I see that it’s the same I’ll let us fade apart naturally. And if I see that im more unhappy than not then I have to say enough. Idk It’s really hard…
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I agree with CTTN55, JoAnn29 and others……Many points to be taken in for your own well being. But I will say this to hopefully help you "think" about it....

Since he is “the last of his family to take care of her” I wonder what the reasons are. Are her children/his parents still working and no one is retired?
Is you boyfriend the youngest?
Do they financially help him?  
Does grandmother get social security?
Is there not enough money to properly pay for her to be cared for?
Is her house hers and paid off?
Does she have a trust? And if so what does it say….all of it.
Will he offer you a fair written agreement to your benefit?
You do not end up being the 90% caregiver without chance of sultivating your own career. He cannot have that level of freedom.

As for how it could possibly benefit you: If you have a legally dated agreement, notary stamped….
You and boyfriend set up all elements legally before you pack a paper bag to move in.
You establish how you will have your own personal income and/or education ( you can do it online ) in writing. Notary.
You establish the expectation of respect and proper human treatment from “all’ of his family, Grandma inclluded. In writing. Notary.
You establish how the two of you will have privacy and “date nights”. In writing. Notary.
You work at creating a realistic future that benefits you both independently and as a couple. In writing. Notary.
You have your own private savings account that You are not obligated to share with him. In writing. Notary.
( Go to your bank where you are a customer for Notary Services. A small fee. )

There are so many more points I would like to metion. But I write this out because it is clear that you want to deal with him, but his first loyalty should be to you and your future together. Keep in mind that taking care of his grandmother could possible be of benefit to you if she leaves you ( or both of you ) her paid for house. The rest of the family can work out their own financial futures.
And yes….you are too young to be so deeply connected to a young man with estabished ties. At 24, it may not feel like you are “too young” but life is to be lived and not sacrificed unless it is a healthy choice you make.  
I live in the midst of a culture where “family is everything” and there are families with many children, aunties, uncles, grandparents and there is a specific kind of love involved. I myself was not born and raised in that type of mindset, but I do appreciate certain elements of that and have learned much from that demo of living. I left home at 20 yrs old and allowed myself to be tied to a dominating, experienced man. Years passed and although I have since long ago left and have a better life. But I will never get back the years I wasted and will never get back the growth I could have had. Life can be really good, but “life” is work….so make it work for you at nobody else’s expense in whatever road you take. You are smart enough to question your situation now so you you stand a great chance of having the control over your own life that you should. Let everyone know how things work out!
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naia2077 Jan 2022
Great insight and wise advice!
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I really do agree with all who are against you committing to such a relationship.
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You said it best with your First Sentence. Only YOU feel this way. I think you know what to do next....dump the boyfriend. It will be hard - but move on.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
So very hard… I want to give it a few more months so that I can at least say in the end that at least I tried really hard…
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My only question here is: Where is the mother / father? It's not a grandson's job, but the children of grandma.
He sounds like a mama's boy, and easily controlled by them. He doesn't sound ready to get married. If his parents were any kind of parents, they would encourage their son to fly the coop and live on his own.
Once you marry someone and you establish your boundaries with each others families, THEN, you can step in and help. Otherwise, you will be in for a surprise you didn't ask for. He needs to grow up, and so do you.
Talk to him about this. Tell him you are going to get your own place, and the ball is in his court. If he is ALL Grandma had, it would be different. But that doesn't sound like the case here.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
Hi Ella, his father is absent and his mom moved out a while ago and is with her boyfriend. The children of grandma are not living with her so he feels like he has to stay and be with her so she won’t be alone. And just like you said I tell him that it shouldn’t be his responsibility but his mom’s or aunts. His mom barely calls him so I wouldn’t say that he’s a mama’s boy but I can see how he can be influenced. I agree with you he isn’t ready, wasn’t, he says he is now and agrees to live alone with me. But actions speak louder and him not seeking a solution or not taking my solutions to these barriers that he’s putting ONLY until I said that I was going to keep growing with or without him don’t give me crazy hope. It’s in his court now, so I’m being patient and not getting ahead of myself. Thank you so much for your reply! I Really appreciate it!
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Run for your life as fast as you can!
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Rose87 Jan 2022
Haha I decided to walk while he sits around. Thank you for the laugh!
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Get the book "OutDated" by Jonathan "JP" Pokluda and read it. It will help you frame what a healthy dating relationship should look like. This is not one. You guys are comfortable together because it's all you've known in your teens/early adulthood. You don't want to marry someone you can live with--You want to be with someone you can't be without. It is plain that he has made his grandmother his priority over you. If it's that way before you get married it will only get worse afterward. I think you need to be the adult in the relationship, and tell him "Thanks for the memories, but I'm going to go find a man who is ready to treat me like the most important person in his life. I will not play second to Grandma. I hope you have a happy life with Grandma."
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
Agreed. My mother always said couples who date for years and years at a time is because one has different feelings than the other and it is using someone. Keeping them around but at arm's length in case someone they like better comes along.
I dated my first husband for almost ten years. I didn't want to get married. More truthfully is I didn't want to get married to him. I did and we were divorced soon after because it was wrong. It was wrong to marry him and wrong to have strung him along in all those years of dating. So I let him go. He found a good woman and remarried not long after and good for him. I was very happy for him and still am. We're friends and that's what we were supposed to be all along.
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Grandma's house, but the real controller is the boyfriend's MOTHER.

When 'the family' has an event at Grandma's big house, orchestrated by his Mother, gathering there, you will not be a guest, but a server, unable to 'not attend'.

The kitchen will be available at all times for grandma, you won't be able to cook, then eat, without cleaning up before you eat.
You cannot cook during when grandma is using her kitchen, because his Mom says.

Mother is so controlling that you are invited at the last minute to go to her house for dinner, 3-4 times per week, intermittently. She is, after all, doing you a favor. The groceries you just bought spoil in Grandma's refrigerator, so you won't be able to budget food properly. You cannot say No to the dinners, because (still boyfriend) already said yes, and Mother already cooked.

The Mother, not grandma, will invite a wayward brother to stay in the room across the hall from your room(s), no longer private. He will steal from you.
You cannot say no to him living there.

After Grandma goes to bed at 8:00, you must be very quiet.

On a Saturday morning, his Mother walks into your rooms, unannounced, and rustles the two of you out of bed at 9:00 a.m., saying, why are you still in bed, as she starts picking up your clothes off the floor.

When you discuss leaving to get a place of your own, he cancels at the last minute, after checking with Mom. You have an argument, and (still boyfriend) pushes you so you almost fall down the stairs. It does not occur to you that boyfriend is employed by Mom & Dad's business, and is not free to have a life.
Sounds like a 'Dallas' soap opera, doesn't it?

The next morning, the Mother appears on scene to take you to her doctor for your depression. The doctor tells you to leave immediately.

You are not in control, Mother is.
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bundleofjoy Jan 2022
unfortunately true:

some family members are tyrants - and they behave much worse the more time you spend with them.

it's often an older woman against a younger woman.

but of course, tyrants can be both female/male.
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So how old is the grandma? What kind of health is she in? Is she independent? I'm curious but honestly, those are really beside the point.

You do not want to be a caregiver; you want to be married to your love and have your own life. Exactly the same way I (age 19) was when I first married my husband and his family thought they could ship their dad off to us to live with us and me take care of. He had emphysema. And it was like, NO!! I told my husband no. I don't think he wanted to either, but he was always eager to keep the peace and please everyone. But I think secretly he was glad that I was the one who said no.

So, I was very surprised when my "grandson-in-law" ( 25) announced he was getting married (she is 22) and he would live with her in her grandma's house. They are very happy. I don't understand it.

I spent a career as an RN, but am just now caregiver to Mom who is in her 90's for about 5 years. It's hard sometimes, but I am comfortable doing it now, but never ever could have done this at a younger age.

You are NOT selfish. You just want a different life, and that is good and fine. Hopefully, your boyfriend will change his mind, but if not, it is much better you find that out now, than being trapped in a life you do not want. I wish you a very good and happy life.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
If your gransdon-in-law and his girl are happy living with her grandmother, more power to them. Multi-generational living and caregiving works for some people. Not others.
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I don't like what I'm about to say. I'm twice your age and sometimes with age comes wisdom but not always.
Your boyfriend doesn't want to get a place with you. He likes things the way they are and that will not change. He's using his grandmother as an excuse for why he won't make any real committment to you. He will let you become grandma's live-in caregiver when she will need one and God knows for how long that could be. He will not marry you though.
You're 24 years old and have your whole life ahead of you. Move on with it and find a man who wants a adult relationship and isn't afraid of committment.
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Rose87 Jan 2022
I don’t know why you don’t like what you said, it’s very helpful and I agreed with it! I agree in part his grandma was part of his excuse to not make big boy decisions and I see that so clearly now that now my heart doesn’t sink low over the thought of him not wanting yet from the start. He says he wants now but we’ll see, meanwhile I won’t wait for it and will continue with my life not expecting it from him. Hopefully though he hustles up and proves us wrong because well im in love and I’d really like that but I won’t wait more than a few months. Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it!
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