My mother and his wife died in 2019. The first of October 2023 when we went for a short visit to see my father everything seemed okay except my Dad has been extremely hard of hearing for years. After this visit we noticed a little short term memory loss when we were talking to him on the phone every week. Also, unknown to us his friend was doing my Dad’s grocery shopping and other errands with my Dad’s credit card since July 2023. What instigated us finding this out was the person who had been doing his taxes for 10 years could no longer do it because eye problems. So when my husband said he would do them we found out in February 2024 that he forgot to take out his IRA minimum required distribution in 2023.
When we were there in February my Dad finally told us he no longer used his computer or email. So, this started us calling all the companies he did personal business with, at his request, to put my email address and phone number as the contact info. Before my mother died they both had done Wills, Durable Power of Attorney, HEPPA, Medical Power of Attorney and Living Wills with me as second in line after my Mom. My Stepfather had no children and my Mom and him got married in 1980. So I am the Power of Attorney for him and one of the first things I did was reviewing his credit car statements from 2023 to present..
My Dad won’t believe me or husband that she would do this to him. My Dad doesn’t have many friends to check on him and we live 360 miles from him in another state. He wants to just ask her to give his card back and continue to use her as his part time-caregiver, because of the not many friend issue. I tried to explain to him, she has his credit card number and asking for her it back won’t take care of this problem.
We asked my Dad how many times she comes to help him. His response is only when I call her. We are in the process of trying to find him a caregiver company, but he is not wanting any part of this. He is even against getting Him signed up for ‘Meals on Wheels’. My Dad’s words, ‘He wouldn’t be able to stay in his house if he didn’t have her help”.
In June 2023 when my Dad was doing his own shopping his grocery bill was less than $700./month and his credit card bill total was approx. $1500. In March 2024 his grocery bill is now at $1800/month and his entire credit card bill is almost $4,000. She uses his credit card to pay her electric bill, vet bills and dog food for her dogs, outlet mall shopping, gas, monthly car insurance, a weekend trip out of state, and many other miscellaneous items. Everything she buys or pays for my Dad’s credit card is used. Now in fairness, my Dad did tell her she could buy gas occasionally, because he wanted to try and help her out. My Dad even admits she is not very dependable when it comes to coming to helping him.
One other thing. When his grandson (43 yrs old) came to visit him the first of March when picking up his mail he got his Chase Credit Card Statement out of the mailbox. His grandfather told him he hadn’t been getting a credit card statement for a long time. Can’t prove it, but we all think the friend/caregiver/helper has purposely not been given my Dad his credit card statement, so my Dad wouldn’t know what is being charged to his credit card.
I love my step-father, because he is the only father I have had since him and my Mom got married. I am mad, sad and hurt that someone is taking advantage of my Dad. What this female is doing I think is criminal, but not sure the evidence I have is enough, or will it hurt my Dad if I try to do anything?
as POA.
(A couple months earlier, his "van" driver from the Senior Center tried to buy his car for $200.00. I told her that he was probably confused and wanted $2000.00. My uncle started getting angry with me because I wouldn't let him sell his car for $200.00. We fought for about a month, and I finally said okay. The day of the sale, he realized his mistake and I immediately called her and cancelled. I sold it a week later for $5000.00. He boasted about it and told everybody he had money. That's when I believe the theft started.)
I started investigating his bank account and his food stamps. I got copies of receipts from local grocery stores and statements for all his food stamp purchases since January 2023. I highlighted transactions and made copies of everything that was in question. I then called the Senior Center and sent them all of my evidence. The very next day, they put her on leave of absence. One day after that, I walked into the local police station and filed a report. That happened in September 2023.
I got a phone call the day after Christmas from the detective on the case, she told me that the woman just got arrested. In January 2024, we had a Grand Jury and it was moved to trial.
The best thing about all of this is that when I started my personal investigation, I got a call from a guy whose mom also attended the same Senior Center. Months before he had filed a police report because he had proof of the same person withdrawing huge sums of money from his mom's account. However, he lived on another island in a big city and nothing was being done to move the case. I was able to share his information with the local police department here and they took on his case as well!
I'm not expecting any money back from what she stole, but I am expecting justice to be served. It takes a lot of time and effort to pursue, but I would encourage you to do what you can to stop these thieves from taking advantage of our elderly population!
Get another of his credit cars to use for groceries. Start sending her a paper check (reasonable amount) each month to cover gas. She does go visit and willing to grocery shop, so consider gas and her time to run these errands. Go pay dad a visit and let him know he needs to reel in the card spending....and help him by talking with her in front of him. You can tell her that the credit card is only to be used at the grocery store and you will pay her XX dollars for her time and XX dollars for gas per month with a check because you have to start tracking his spending in case he has to go on Medicaid at some time. She may decide the free ride is over and not come back. At that point you will have to find someone to handle this sort of deal - or - have a relative handle it - or - hire a caregiver to come in weekly/twice a week to visit/handle a few chores/errands and do the shopping in a more professional manner - meaning she provides the receipt to you that she charged on the card. You could also have groceries delivered weekly to his home.
What is doing is morally wrong maybe, but probably not criminal. He gave her the card and never complained about amounts all this time. You will have to participate to get things under control with a new plan and more oversight.
Quite often, the perpetrator has gained the trust of the elder. Separating the perpetrator means harming the elders sense of well-being, so it gets really complicated.
Here are a few things I've learned in my work, and now in my own family:
1. Notify the bank immediately of suspect fraud on his card and in his bank account. Get them to kill his debit card and reissue and ask them to close his account and open a new one. If you haven't already given them your POA paperwork, you'll need to present that to them to get them to act on your word. Also, is your POA springing or durable?
2. No matter how frustrated and angry you are with the caregiver, don't let on quite yet that you've figured out their game. By soliciting their help, you may get the information you need faster than of you were to go to banks and credit card companies for records. You want to gather as much evidence as you can before you tip your hat. Knowledge on her parts gives her time to fabricate things or make up stories to explain away what she's done.
3. When/IF she asks why the card isn't working, tell her the bank suspected that the card was compromised and they are issuing another one. Allow her to think you view this as a nuisance more than a big deal. Lying isn't lying when you are dealing with a thief.
4. Ask for her help. Tell her you can't find any statements and bills around the house and ask her if she might know where they are. You need to give them to the accountant for taxes. She may just be able come up with them and you never know what she might tell you in the process. I know this seems like a Longshot, but I've seen this work more than once!
5. You say she used your dad's card for personal expenses. Prove it. Perhaps you know the vet bills on his card must be hers because he doesn't have an animal. Soooo...did she pay that card herself? If she did, that's one problem, but if you can see that the card was paid from your Dads bank account, you know she used his card AND stole his money to pay it. Your proof has to be objective and verifiable if you are going to pursue it legally, and even if you are going to justify to your dad why you have to get rid of her.
6. Pull a credit report on him so you can see what open accounts he has. Notify all of them that you are the POA and give them your address for statement purposes. You can also see if there are any addresses on there (maybe hers?) that don't belong to him
7. Sign up with USPS for delivery notification. You can get a daily email telling you all the first class mail that will be delivered that day. Its not perfect, but it's pretty good.
8. Decide what you are going to do with the information you have. If you turn it over to authorities, you are going to put a lot of stress on your dad unless you can help him understand what she is doing to him. And understand that they are going to look at any evidence you have through critical eyes, so nothing you take to them should be based on feelings or supposition. Everything you collect, look at it and ask yourself if this could be anything except what you suspect? She's certainly going to have explanations (i.e. "he said he would pay my dogs vet bill", or "I paid him back with cash") so try to anticipate what those might be.
We just finished dealing with this with my m-i-l. Our nephew was taking a weekly paycheck from her and writing himself another larger check each week, forging her sig. He was charging his amazon purchases and groceries to her card. We cut him loose and it's been a big ugly thing. Had to be done though.
You fire them immediately. Zero tolerance on stealing from the client. Accepting expensive, innappropriate gifts from a client with dementia is stealing. Taking their credit cards and intercepting the bills or putting yourself on the account and getting your own cards issued is fraud.
All the cards and accounts get changed and that caregiver never sees or has contact with the client they ripped off ever again. Zero tolerance on all scores.
Of course many times elderly clients will insist that they pay for all the things because they like showing off that they have money and can do it. Then they get angry and complain about it. That's why you can't accept when the client is old and has dementia.
Usually the law will not get involved if the theft is under $10,000 unless it involves forged checks.
If it's all on a credit card, they won't do anything. The credit card company won't hold your father responsible for the charges either.
My mom fought going into memory care, even after she was there. But knowing she was safe, was a huge relief. She made many friends at MC and is well cared for.
If you have legal authority over accounts, block all of them or create new p/w that only YOU know. If you do not have legal authority over all financial, and otherwise, accounts, do this immediately.
I do not know why he has been 'allowed' to manage these needs for 'so long' - for this theft to go on for so long? In any case, you must call APS. Be sure to get the caregiver's information - as she may take off. Is she hired through an agency? This is important to know. Do a background check on her.
Gena / Touch Matters
That is so sad! Isn’t there any trustful family members that can stay with him to cook and clean in exchange for room and board?
you should definitely call Adult Protective Services and Social Services. Even the police make sure that she passed the background check and isn’t a scammer doing this to other elderly people.
wishing you luck.
You are asking if there's family members who will for lack of a better term, willingly become a slave.
Room and board with no wages is slavery or a term of indenture.
Is this person supposed to cook, clean, caregive, and entertain the elder 7 days a week while also being able to work a full-time job to support themselves?
In no scenario does moving in and becoming the caregiver to an elderly person in exchange for room and board ever end well.
Do you have someone with dementia living alone?
Because this going into care at some point is not a choice (you say he doesn't want this or that; but truly not a choice when he cannot function on his own--and clearly he cannot whether because of physical or mental incapacity, or BOTH).
Do you have PROOF that vet bills and her own bills are paid on his card?
This of course is simple elder abuse and fraud and punishable by prison time under the law, making this an instant report to police, canceling of credit card, opening of new credit card through POA ONLY and protected.
You have several ways to go. At present Dad is "paying" 4,000 a month to stay in his own home. You can add your name as POA to credit card, changing the number, and have all credit card bills sent TO YOU. You can then freeze his credit so she cannot get new cards for your Dad nor use his name in any way for anything, and that if you are POA is your DUTY if Dad has dementia. You would arrange to pay all his bills; you would give him a monthly rundown for his records and keep meticulous records yourself; you would give him a small allowance account and manage all other accounts so he cannot be defrauded. It's a huge job; I did it.
Putting Dad into ALF is going to be a good deal more than 4,000 a month, I think you know. Tho he will be protected, have food, and be housed well, and may even come to enjoy the benefits available. My brother did.
You are either his POA or not.
He either has dementia or such severe physical incapacity he cannot manage, or not, and if not you cannot make these decisions FOR HIM without his agreement. But if he is blind he is HELPLESS, as as POA you must act.
You have all the information. You know what is right, because clearly you "get all of this", but you are not THERE for him to protect him, and he doesn't want to go into care. He is clearly being taken advantage of, to the tune of 4,000 now, but who knows how much more in future.
You have decisions to make now that only you can make. I am truly sorry. This is a dreadful dilemma. This woman is basically doing CAREGIVING for your stepdad. Truth is that she SHOULD be paid something. But she cannot just decide how much and when.
You describe this person as a friend. It is clear that she is no friend. BUT I don't know that you know how severe any diminuation of mental capacity is in Dad, nor clear about what permissions for paying her is giving. I think that you really need to meet with her and present the evidence you have found. Dad either approved this or didn't, and without such a meeting with her and with Dad how can you know. If she won't discuss with you, I guess you have your answer.
I believe this is elder abuse and fraud. What I don't know is what you can do about it without getting a diagnosis of dementia. Which would mean an end to living alone, in all honesty, and the beginning of you being in the middle of a very tough job of long distance POA (I know; I did it) for someone uncooperative and disagreeing with you (which I didn't have to deal with).
I can only wish you luck.
If this woman is a "nice" person, one that up to this point has not done anything wrong I would have a conversation with her and tell her that all the monies must be paid back. You can review all the past statements and figure out ones that are ones that would be unauthorized. If she does not do this I would report her to Elder Abuse for Financial abuse. I would also file a police report. Depending on the amount this may be a Felony.
If you like this can all be worded in a letter from an Attorney rather than talking to her directly.
As much as dad does not want to move from his house I think it is necessary.
1. You do not want this person having access to the house and to dad.
2. He will need more direct care and since he is resistant to having someone come in moving him to AL or even MC would keep him safe and cared for.
Your father is lonely and wants to keep the caregiver/friend on part-time as needed because he wants to be friends. That's not going to happen if gravy train she's been riding comes to a stop.
I've seen this scenario play out many times because I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. It's usually an old man and the caregiver is a younger woman who does not know how to conduct herself in this line of work. The elderly client seems sharp and fine mentally because they 'showtime' very well around her so the caregiver doesn't realize that they're not fine. The elder wants to show off that they have money and can pay for things. Then will insist the caregiver go shopping on their dime, or pays some bills for her, or gives her money. Then when the bill comes in they freak out about what was spent. Or they want to over it up when their family finds out so they throw the caregiver under the bus and accuse her of stealing.
I couldn't count the times some old gentleman or other I've worked for would try to give me all kinds of expensive things. Especially when I was younger. When you spend actual time with an elderly person as their caregiver, you will be able to spot dementia if they have it and know not to accept the expensive gifts and offers.
Would your father be open-minded to moving to a senior community where he won't be alone so much?
Would you be open-minded about having him with you or moving to an AL or senior community near you?
There's certainly plenty for you to think about.
For future reference, if a different caregiver/companion gets hired the shopping and errands get done using a debit card for a new account that you set up which is specifially for household expenses and errands. Then the caregiver photographs the receipts for everything bought for the household out of that account and texts them to you weekly for inspection. If they don't match up to what's being spend, you suspend use on the account.
And I agree with Geaton, dad needs to be moved to a facility closer to you so you can keep an eye on him.
You're absolutely right. This person needs to go away and not come back.
They can file a police report, but it's unlikley the police will do anything about it. The credit card company won't either if her charges are under $10,000.
You can try to call the thieves and tell them you have proof of their robbery and you're going to press charges unless they pay you back (in a lump sum). She may tell you he volunteered it but then you tell her he has a medical diagnosis of dementia, and this is called abuse. But don't make a treat you aren't willing and able to carry out.
Divert his mail to your house (do this online).
Move him close to you to AL. Of course he won't like it but he can no longer take care of or protect himself and he's just going to continue to make messes for you to clean up. You don't do what he wants because he obviously isn't making good decisions anymore. Tell him a therapeutic fib, that his house needs fixing and they'll be shutting off his utilities to do it so he has to go live in an "apartment". Once he's there he stays there. There are no other options unless you want to keep managing him long distance. I'm trying to do this with my Aunt in FL and I'm in MN. Doesn't work unless you have absolutely trustworthy people at his end.
Let her know that all transactions will now be handled by you and that dad's old credit cards have been canceled and you will be providing a new card after the contract is all arranged and signed. Then do a prepaid, low limit credit card that she is required to photo and send all receipts to you. Maybe 200.00 a week to start would be ample.
Her reaction will tell you lots.
I found out that since my dad gave this female helper, ha, his debit card and permission to buy him things with it that it was now his word, dementia, against hers about the agreement of use. There was nothing the police would or could do because he gave her the card. I'm guessing but, I bet you would run in to the same sad laws.
I would not accuse her of anything, I would approach it as you are now in charge and want to be sure that everything is on the up and up to not only protect dad but everyone involved. She should be getting paid for the services she provides, at a fair market rate. Dad should not be taken advantage of and you need to keep track of every penny as a legal fiduciary, because you will be the one held legally responsible at this point.
What does dad actually need help with? What are viable solutions to meet those needs? Does he have the money to pay for the services?
Maybe you can order his groceries. Hire a housekeeper for 2x monthly cleaning. Get him signed up for his local department of transportation paratransit services. Introduce a new, professional caregiver that actually shows up.
Let dad know that everything you are doing is specifically so he can stay in his home and he needs to cooperate to ensure he stays at home as long as possible.
This isn't about taking away his rights, it is about protecting him from unscrupulous people. She has already shown who and what she is, believe her. Make it a true, prosecutable crime for her to steal by getting a contract in place with other measures to protect your dad. I am so sorry that you guys are going through this. People suck sometimes and his "friend" is obviously one that does. My dad would never believe he was being stolen from by his female helper, ha, and all I could do was sit back and stay out of the train crash, 2nd hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life.
You are fortunate that you have POA and he trusts you. Do whatever you can to keep that trust and ensure his safety because it gets harder with any memory issues and such long distances. Find a good certified elder law attorney to draw up care contracts and button down the hatches, it will be well worth it.
Great big warm hug!! This is hard but, you do learn as you go.