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Hi and thank you for reading!
My 85 year old mom has declined physically and mentally since 2020. She went from refusing a cane to being completely dependent on a walker. She was a brilliant school teacher and now forgets words, mispronounces others (monkey pox is “monkey paws”) and exhibits short term memory issues. Also has breast cancer which is in remission (she takes estrogen blocker) and a pacemaker. She has fallen a few times and cannot get up when she does, but refuses a medic alert necklace (I bought her one and it sat in the box for a year).
I feel overwhelmed by her constant need for attention: everyday is a new health complaint (teeth, eyes, infected mosquito bite, sciatica etc) or some crisis. She barely leaves her house (except to go to a doctor or Physical therapy once a week) and since my husband and teenage daughter got Covid three months ago, refuses to see us even though she is doubly boosted.
Adding to my stress is the fact that my 51 year old sister lives with her. They have codependency and enmeshment issues and try and suck me into their problems daily. My sister has an undiagnosed mental illness—likely Asperger’s, anxiety and depression—which my mom refuses to acknowledge. My sister resorts to victim mode and acts childlike when she has to take on any responsibility; she won’t hear that my mom is declining and rages when I suggest it. Every problem they run to me and demand I solve it for them. When I put up boundaries or say I can’t, they make me the villain: they curse me out, call me selfish and hang up on me. My mother screamed at me just the other day, “the only person you care about is your kid! You don’t care about us!” I was shocked; she has always adored her one and only grandchild.
I struggle with anxiety myself, which this constant drama is making worse. I recently woke up gasping for air In the middle of the night (my therapist said it was a panic attack and advised me to join this forum for support).
My mom is terrified of dying, and has pushed most of her old friends away—everyone annoys her and is “full of themselves.” I am the only person she can complain to when my sister goes to work (she hates her job at the Veterans Administration and complains bitterly that her bosses hate her). At this point, I feel overwhelmed and stressed: I dread calling my mom and find communicating with her and my sister impossible. If I don’t call she screams at me “yes, I know you’re too busy—you’re so important!”
My sister is antagonistic and cannot talk about anything besides her own self perceived woes. She has kidney stones and thinks she is disabled. The two of them go nowhere for fear of getting Covid and make up their own rules. They will go to any doctors office or hospital but won’t see us even outdoors for a visit. They wear masks constantly and misinterpret the news they watch 24/7. My mom has stopped being an avid reader and now only watches Netflix or old TV shows like “Happy Days.” No matter what I suggest, she refuses. I am truly at my wit’s end and could use some advice. She says I’m a selfish, bad daughter and I know I am only trying to live my life and stay out of their circle of crazy.

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First, welcome to the site. To get you started, it’s worth clicking on Care Topics at the top of your screen, then on any of the letters to get you to topics that seem relevant. You will find ‘expert’ articles, and many old questions and answers from the past. Even reading other people’s problems may help you feel less alone with your own!

You sister aged 51 and working, should be able to work on her problems sharing a house with your mother. If she can go to work, she is not totally reclusive, and is already making contacts that are just a ‘covid dangerous’ as seeing you.

The ‘simple’ answer to the problems in your post, is to cut contact. Block taking calls from either of them. You may still get calls from sister at work, but you can probably block them too. If they want to contact you, they can do it in person or write you a snail mail letter.

If they can’t deal with their problems, including medical appointments, they will reach a crisis point where something has to change – not just drop all problems on you. Perhaps it would help if you think about ‘conditions’ on which you will provide help, including them getting in touch with other sources of help and support. You cannot let yourself be the solution to all their problems, as well as the dumping ground for all their gripes.

What does your husband think about all this? It would be worthwhile to tell him how fed-up you are (you may be making excuses for them at the moment), and brainstorm together about what to do. In many cases, this means letting things get worse to trigger the crisis that allows them to get better.
Yours, Margaret
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BBS2019 Jul 2022
I think your answer is very realistic. Sometimes people have to suffer the consequences of their behaviour in order to realize that they are literally consuming the life of their "caregiver," who in turn may fall ill from the stress and need "caregiving." I'd change my phone number or block calls and let them figure out how to behave. No one is obligated to sacrifice their own life or freedom to cater to the pecadillos and anxieties of unreasonable people, relative or not.
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Maybe they're not afraid of covid at all, is it possible they are the kind of people who just enjoy whatever hysteria will get them the most coddling and attention? It certainly sounds like it from your question. You have identified that your mom and sister are enmeshed and feed each other's neuroses but it sounds like you're feeling sorry for them, like this situation is something that's happened to them and out of their control. They are living this way because they LIKE it.

You can't change one bit of them and they way they act but you can absolutely control how you respond to them. For example when someone screams insults at you that's your chance to say "Sounds like you're having a bad day I'll call back at a better time" and then hang up. Set some boundaries about what kind of behavior you'll put up with and what you'll do when your expectations are not met. It's REALLY hard to learn after a lifetime of thinking you're responsible for the happiness of your mom but it's worth it.
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mcsher2, bravo for your Mom for taking Covid seriously, and having her two shots and the boosters. You need to note that being boosted doesn't mean your Mom can't catch Covid, she can. The boosters help to keep her out of the ICU and lessens the chances of her dying from covid, but she still can be quite sick if she catches the virus.

Honestly, not to be rude, but it looks like you are in denial of your Mom's aging. What your Mom is going through is pretty much normal aging. Those of us of a certain age are currently experiencing such issues. My sig-other and I are in my mid 70's and miss hear things that news reporters are saying. It's due to our aging brain not correctly translating the message. It's normal.

Ah, trying to get up when one has either fallen down or was just squatting down to clean something. Again, part of aging.

Yep, reading becomes difficult as we age. Both sig-other and I have put away our books and now watching more TV, and old movies. Again, all normal part of aging. We are now using close caption.

Take a deep breathe, and gather some patience.
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I think u just need to back away. Keep those boundries. Say sorry Mom/sis you have a problem with each other, you need to solve it between you. Please do not bring me into it. If u can't live together, then one of you needs to move. Tell them, after a panic attack, your therapist suggested you back away from their Drama and thats what you are doing. You do not need to pick up that phone.
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Welcome to the forum!! It sounds like your sister & mom are using Covid as an excuse not to see you, while going to work and to medical appointments left and right! Which is fine for them, but a thinly veiled excuse nonetheless. Covid is a hot-topic around here, but not one that I listen to seriously b/c life needs to go ON, regardless of the status of this virus. We can take precautions, and that's it. Then we live life or we hide out in our basements and stop living. If we take that route, then Covid has killed us ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

My husband had a liver transplant in April at the Mayo Clinic where we lived in a hotel for 7 weeks, with me as his caregiver the entire time. We spent 7 weeks inside of medical facilities, hospitals, ERs, doctors offices, etc. We wore masks, as demanded, and had our shots, as demanded, that was it. Neither one of us contracted the virus. We were told by the Mayo doctors to continue living our lives when we got home, to take no extraordinary precautions in spite of DH being immuno-suppressed due to his transplant meds. Not immuno-compromised......but immuno SUPPRESSED. We were told to live life as always, just wear a mask when going out. DH did not get a new liver and a new life so that we could live it in fear, hiding out in our basement, afraid to go see our family members for catching The Virus. We live life on a daily basis, come what may.

That said, your mother and sister are entitled to live their lives as they see fit too. You can't 'help' them see the light or the 'error of their ways' b/c they don't see that there IS an error in their thinking. So there isn't. Leave them alone to live their lives as you go about living yours. Which means you need to dramatically cut down your contact with them, in my opinion. Because your contact with them destroys your peace of mind. And serves no useful purpose. You're entitled to live your life as you see fit, and they are entitled to live their lives as they see fit. Right?

Just as my DH & I are living life as we see fit, while others may look at us and gasp, saying OMG HOW RIDICULOUS that you're putting your LIVES IN DANGER by going out of your house every day!!!!!!!!!!!! Our lives, our choice.

Your mother's life and your sister's life, their choice. They can live in fear and histrionics every day if they'd like, but YOU don't have to choose to get caught up in that drama. There is where your freedom of choice comes into play. They will suck the joy right out of you if you let them because they are energy vampires. I use that term to apply to certain personality types that see the glass as half empty rather than half full. Those people that love misery so much they meet it half way. That want to suck you into their drama and pity party and hold out a magnet to lure you in. Recognize it and avoid it. You can love these people but still be aware of their magnetic pull so you can avoid it. It's okay to love them but still avoid them to protect YOURSELF.

That's my suggestion: love them from afar while protecting yourself from their toxic fumes.

Take care of yourself and family. It's perfectly okay to do that, so don't think otherwise. It's healthy to set boundaries and to avoid toxic influences in your life to keep yourself safe and sane. Please do so. You are worth it.
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sp19690 Jul 2022
Excellent post and advice. You are right your DH didn't get a second chance at life just to waste that gift constantly hiding out and worrying about catching covid or 1001 other potential diseases that are always floating around out there.
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Very sad mom is so afraid of dying that she doesn't even realize that her fear has made her one of the walking dead.
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I see issues here that have nothing to do with covid. Foremost is the animosity between you and your sister, if that wasn't a problem then all the rest would potentially be solvable, but because you can't find any common ground I imagine everything devolves into a sibling rivalry spat.
Second is your mom - her lack of interest in anything but old shows makes me suspect there could be some degree of cognitive decline, the inability to pick up where she has left off in a book or to follow new plot lines and the characters of new shows can be subtle warning signs. But it's your sister who is the main caregiver, so be very thoughtful before giving unsolicited advice! Who has POA (health and financial)?
And what's stopping you visiting your mom while sis is at work?
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MargaretMcKen Jul 2022
This is a +++ different approach to my own first post. One of the great things this site can do!
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Covid is still a very real problem, especially for elders. The effects of Covid range from brain problems to lung problems to heart problems that don’t go away. Research has now tied hair loss to Covid. Lesley Stahl’s husband recently died; he had Parkinson’s and the virus hastened his death. Those with dementia, according to research, decline more rapidly than control groups without dementia. Covid affects us in ways that are not yet fully understood. It’s not a matter of fearing Covid so much as fear of losing health and independence as a result of having it. Who will take care of us if we can’t take care of ourselves? Why shouldn’t we avoid being around people if that keeps us safe? Cheers for people who vax, boost and isolate to save the rest of us from having to take care of them. This is not a political thing, it’s a common sense thing. All that being said, it’s clear that the
mother and sister have serious issues. Seems like the best thing to do is to leave them alone and let them figure it out. No one has to answer a phone if they don’t want to. And why would you want to see them anyway?
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Thank you so much to everyone who offered their advice! I truly appreciate the support.
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".. trying to live my life and stay out of their circle of crazy".

Yes, I hear you & agree: stay out of range.

I liken it to getting off the bus. In your case it's not driving blind to crazy town but bogged going no-where. Either way, stay off the bus.

Instead, be ready to call (for professional help) when there is a crash.

This is what was told to do;
1. Advice them
2. Let them decide
3. Consequences are theirs

So advice what is available for things they may need help with - cleaning services, meals or other deliveries etc. Don't fall for being their step & fetch-it maid.

I have a theory that co-dependancy is like a snowball. It grows past the original two people & tries to suck in another. Another person is another source to get needs met, another person to offload responsibility onto.

The pressure of that snowball was like an avalanche ready to smother me.

I had that gasping for air in the night too! But slowly I built up my boundaries. This has really helped.

Keep up the chat if it helps you 🤗
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mamadrama Dec 2022
Just read your advice again. So helpful thanks.
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🙂
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My mom is 84 and has been handicapped now for 14 years from a severe car accident Labor Day weekend 2008. I have been the 24/7 live in caregiver for over 13 years. She uses a cane and get get around a bit. She also had breast cancer 20 years ago. And she does forget somethings sometimes. I work to keep her mind active. And my mom works hard at the book keeping, shopping lists, and cooking and planning meals, with my help. At age friends go away. They die, they move away, or they drift away because they have elderly medical issues of their own. I believe family is the answer in this for as long as humanly possibly, even to the point of sacrifice. My mother and father sacrificed for me and dedicated their lives to me. Now it is my turn to dedicate my life to my mom. For me it is as simple as that. She was boosted twice, 4 shots total, and I had to get the 4 shots too. After the third shot I got covid in April but my mom did not get it. And when I did get it, I was not really sick, just felt strange for a day. My mom understands she has to walk a bit so I take her to the supermarkets and she can walk with the shopping cart. For other outings we do use the wheel chair though. And she can walk around a little bit in the house, but doesn't exercise really, unless she has an issue. Falling is the big worry also for us. Got to always be extremely careful on how she moves and where she walks so she does not fall. She has to put on her sneakers to go to the bathroom at night when in bed. Has been doing that since she could walk again a bit after the accident. My mom still has one friend who moved away a few years ago but they still talk on the phone, but that is getting more difficult. We like to go to the doctors a lot too, because that is someone to talk to other than talking to me. But it is getting harder and harder to get basic healthcare services like seeing a doctor because you don't feel well. Doctors just don't want to see the elderly anymore for some reason. I have read on here in the past it is a lt easier for sons to take care of their mom than for daughters.
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Your sister may be doing more than you think though. My 2 brothers who live far away have no idea. We live in NJ. My brother in Florida has been here to the house 3 times since he left for college in 1987. My other brother comes for an hour or 2 every 2-3 months. They don't understand for me it is all day lng up and down, Jamie get me this, Jamie get me that. Jamie get this down, Jamie go do this, Jamie go do that. Heck I go to the store for her over 180 times a year, at least. I track the supermarkets shopping at that is 160-170 trips a year, then throw in all the other stores. Plus take her to all the doctors and dentists, and that stuff.
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I ran across your post and see so much of my situation in it. My family was very covid-conscious. We have gotten all the shots and wore masks indoors with anyone except close family until May 2022. My sister and my mom were willing to see us after they got vaccinated in 2021. Then my sister had a baby (Dec 2022) and became very wary. She has required masks with my family since. She came to stay with my mom in April 2022 and my mom declared she would only see us with a mask on thereafter. Even after my sister left, out of solidarity with her. During this time, our kids needed more social contact and we started letting them see friends without masks. This made my mom feel like we were putting her life in danger. When I expressed interest in sometime getting together maskless again, she blamed me for not caring about whether she lives or dies and being selfish for prioritizing my kids’ ability to go maskless with friends over her ability to safely see us. My sister is now back staying with my mom briefly. She has lots of weird medical complaints that doctors think are psychological (but she disagrees) and I think it’s from 3 years of complete isolation (she works from home and her husband is a stay at home dad—they go nowhere indoors where people might not be masked, which basically means going nowhere at all, they get grocery delivery, and see very few close family/friends and only with masks). But they both just think I am heartless and selfish for wanting some semblance of a relationship. I have blocked my mom’s email and phone number because I am tired of her blaming me. I still try to see my sister—it’s one of the only interactions she and her toddler have. It’s very sad to me to have lost these relationships to COVID fear. Anyway, solidarity in your struggle. I hope you have found a path forward.
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