My husband is 79 and has dementia. I am 68. He's at the end of the moderate stage and entering the last stage. Our marriage was never a great one and now I find myself waiting on him hand and foot. He doesn't want me out of his sight and yet there's nothing there between us nor has there been for decades. I am lonely and want companionship. I don't know what to do. An old flame from High School has been contacting me and we have feelings for each other. No matter what, I want to care for my husband until he finally has no idea who I am or becomes so dependent he'll need additional care. Are there others out there like me? What have you done to help the loneliness?
My husband had cancer, I worked and continued to work...a long haul of 12 years...he got to the point that I could not leave him alone (dementia), so I hired a care taker, worked for awhile, then no one was getting any sleep, so I moved him and a 24/7 nurse to one of our rental properties, that lasted about 5 months, from there he went to hospice and died shortly thereafter.
I would never care take in my home again, knowing what I know now, for the last 5 years of his life I would have placed him in AL, a place with a step up program, next MC, then in facility hospice.
Basically, I had no life, my home looked like a medical ward, my friends all deserted me, I was a wreck. I was never cut out to be a care taker, I actually knew better, but I gave it a shot anyway, bad decision for all concerned.
You can care for your husband at an arms length away, he doesn't have to live with you. Take care of you, you are entitled to a life!
You want to not be lonely. There's only one way to do that and that is to get out of the house and be with people. Whether those people include your old flame or not is irrelevant.
If you continue to sublimate your own needs to the whims of your husband's broken brain you will continue to be lonely. If you want to not be lonely that starts with deciding that you matter and that your need for companionship matters enough to you to go out and seek it. It's not going to come to you.
Let it all go in one ear & out the other and do as YOU see fit.
You're not dead yet. You're still alive and caring for a husband who is reaching the end of HIS life. Please consider placing him in a Memory Care community now because the end stages of this dreadful disease can be TOO MUCH to deal with at home.
Wishing you all the best.
Sending hugs your way.
Maybe its time to have him evaluated for LTC. You could become the Community Spouse and apply for Medicaid for him.
If you must stay at his side 24/7, you could host gatherings at your house on a regular basis, such as a church potluck, or a book club, or wine and cheese tastings. Please know that you’re not truly all alone; I’m sending you a big virtual hug from Denver:))
About the gentleman, you can surely be friends for the time being, and perhaps meet for coffee or a movie once in a while. No harm at all in catching up with an old friend!
It depends on finances if a person can afford a facility such as assisted living and sometimes they do not qualify for assisted living. There can be issues with attaining Medicaid so it’s complicated for some to be placed in a nursing home. They end up being stuck as a caregiver. Other than making them a ward of the state, what’s left?
It’s so hard being a full time caregiver. No one understands this unless they experience it themselves. Some people simply aren’t able to emotionally deal with it and when people place guilt on them it’s even worse.
If I could go back I would not have been a caregiver. It’s one of those situations where I became overwhelmed and blinded by it. It took me stepping away entirely before I truly saw how emotionally damaging it was for me. I pray all caregivers get respite care and are able to place their family members in facilities if desired.