Follow
Share

My sister and I were abused by him as children, and he said his verbal, physical and emotional abuse was a tool to make us tough. My sister took her life in 2014. I barely recovered, as we were very close, and I tried for years to help her. It was a viscous cycle, as my father crushed her soul. Mine, too. We both tried to gain his love and approval, but we both knew we would never get it. I know now, that he has severe mental illness. No one normal would treat their children with such contempt. I am his only caregiver now. I have to be involved, because he is capable of anything. He has been arrested for 6 DUI’s, blames others of course, shoplifting, blames the store, and recently went out with criminals to try and exploit them? Of course, they got the better of him. He’s crazy. I have cameras all over his home, now, as I cannot take it anymore. Has anyone else encountered an elder who acts like this? He acted like this when he was younger, too. He believes that he is normal and everyone else has problems? I’m exhausted. Both my sister and I have been nothing but good to him, always. We were both great students and gainfully employed. He always challenged our education. He would criticize and put us down. He would show people outside the family a version of himself, that was charming and kind. He was not at all like that at home. He has no boundaries, and does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He has started to criticize my daughters by telling them that one is prettier than the other. I had to draw a very firm line and tell him, that he could no longer see them, if he could not control his behavior. Of course, he looked at me and said, “It’s always the same thing with you.” I guess I am just looking for someone to read this and tell me that I am not crazy. That this man is sick.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Kick him out - why on earth are you subjecting yourself to this? You owe him nothing.
(2)
Report

Get as far away from him as possible. You owe him nothing but, you do owe your daughters a safe life without being subjected to the same abuse that you and your sister endured.

He doesn't deserve to have you in his life. Let him go to prison for his bad behavior and save yourself.
(2)
Report

Yes your father is mentally sick, and the only thing I would say is crazy, is that for some odd reason you feel that you need to be his caregiver. REALLY? Have you reread what you have written about him? You owe this man NOTHING!!! As in NOTHING!!! Please cut all ties with him, and protect your dear sweet daughters. They don't deserve to have to put with his crap like you did. He has made his bed and now guess what? He gets to lie in it. Please for God's sake, stay away from this man!
(4)
Report

I'm reading a great book by Nina Brown called "Children of the Aging Self Absorbed." My own mother is also NPD but is more of what Brown calls the 'clingy' type as opposed to yours which is more of the classical narcissist, sounds like. She has a chapter apiece on the different types and I've really found it helpful.

Is there any way you could get your dad on Medicaid and into a care home?
(1)
Report

Why are you subjecting your DAUGHTERS to such a vile human being?? It is your responsibility to keep them safe and protected even if you don't care to do that for yourself. Your sister took her own life and you are still asking if this man is sick or not?? Please remove yourself and your DAUGHTERS from this man's presence. That is the only "very firm line" that can be drawn here.
(1)
Report

"I am his only caregiver now. I have to be involved.."

I ask why?
Why do you have to be involved in his life?
(1)
Report

Yes he is sick. You have become victimized by him and now he is working on a next generation. You must care more for your daughters. You say he is capable of anything. He has already proven that. Why can't you just walk away? You cannot change the damage he has created in the past but you can change your future. As long as you are around him you will continue to feel the acute pain he has and is causing. Your daughters don't deserve that. Neither do you anymore. You don't need to remain a victim. I don't see why you need to continue to help. Let him fail on his own. You don't indicate even one positive his relationship has had to you. So he is your father but an abominable one at that. I would hope you could get some therapy and know that your life has more purpose than even being in his presence. He has done nothing to deserve any help from you. You are not responsible for having a parent who has seemingly caused such pain. I am curious as to what happened to your mother but regardless try hard and set yourself free or your life will be such a source of pain and sadness and you owe far more to the lives you have created as well as trying to be a positive role model of what a parent should be.
(1)
Report

I have a friend who's father emotionally, mentally, and physically abused her while her mother did nothing. She is 55 years old and still trying to maintain a relationship with him because she wanted her children to know their grandparents. Huh? She even told me once that she was careful to avoid leaving her daughter alone with him. Huh? I realize there is something deeply twisted in her expecting that somehow he will become the fairy tale father of her imagination but I don’t comment. Yesterday she told me that he had bought a new car with money a family friend had wanted her to have.
Can you schedule time with a therapist who can help you deal with your emotional ties to your father, and help you develop technical to distance yourself? Only you can make the decision to sever ties, or establish how and when you want to deal with him.
(2)
Report

Thank you to all of you for your support. My mother died of ovarian cancer when I was 16. She was 48. My father lives in his own home, as I cannot have him live with me, my husband and daughters. I go to his home to care for him. I keep that time to a minimum. He is unable to care for himself. He needs help with his meds, cooking, cleaning, shopping, dressing and bathing. I am in the process of finding a caregiver for him, as I can only tolerate about 2 hours with him each day, max.
(0)
Report

I say this with kindness: I really think some time with a therapist may be of value here. Losing a mother so young is very sad & I can see how staying close to the remaining parent could happen. But there comes a time to grow into a separate adult. At present the OP appears to be stuck like glue to the Father.

"He is unable to care for himself."

Ok. So he is not fully independent. That's OK. So HE must face that fact & hire the help HE needs.

"He needs help with his meds, cooking, cleaning, shopping, dressing and bathing".

If he cannot arrange the care he needs himself, he is DEPENDANT & must face this fact. He may require a only a little help or a lot, up to needing a legal Guardian to arrange his care, either in his home or in a facility.

Offspring must decide for themselves ho much they can help. A little or a lot. But NOT to be in survitude to their parent.
(2)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter