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Good morning,


I am new to the group and have been shoved into a journey of dealing with my mom. She has early onset frontal lobe dementia. She got remarried in 2007/2008 or so to her current husband. She currently lives with him and doesn't work and primarily watches game shows daily.


I have 2 older sisters and we received a message this morning that my mom's husband may be having to move to work, out of state. He asked her if she wanted to move with him, and she said she didn't want to move and wanted to live with my oldest sister. He sent a message to her letting her know the information above.


So I need some guidance... I don't know where to start.... what to do? We (my sisters and I) cannot accommodate her to come live with any of us. And a facility is way too expensive for any of us to afford. I don't know what I don't even know.... so anyone who can help or provide me resources or where to start with this would be so greatly appreciated.


I should also add, that she has no financial means, she is on SS but doesn't receive much.


TIA.

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Her husband needs to take her with him. She is his responsibility. Its up to him to find the services she needs. You need to tell him that you and your siblings are not able to take Mom in. I am assuming here you all have families and jobs. I think he is just shirking his responsibility. Of course she said no, she has Dementia.

You could research the area he will be moving to. Are there Daycares, aide help, ect. Office of Aging in that county should have info.
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JoAnn’s right. Why would he even ask her if she would want to go with him? He’s dumping her off on you and that’s not fair. He needs to accept his responsibilities. He sounds like a real upstanding guy. Not.
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Thank you. We are a little worried that such a big change will escalate her illness even more. As well a little worried that he will just show up with her stuff and bail.

We know there are some serious repercussions for him doing that but I’m worried he’s at the end of his rope.

I will check out those resources and see what options he has. Anyone know anything about sposal impovrishment? Options on assisted living? And how to lower the costs?
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I was where you are a while ago. To my understanding, the nursing home or facility you choose will only take your Mom's SS check. My Mom has nothing, so that's all they can take. If I'm wrong somebody please let me know now.
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FishyMom, yes, you've been "shoved" into a very difficult situation. But, given that your mom's husband is apparently willing to abandon her and because you're worried that such a big change would escalate her illness, I don't think it's a good idea to try to force your mom into moving out-of-state with him -- that has disaster written all over it. Call your state's office on aging/senior care to find out what resources are available to help your mom. Best wishes.
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How about some compassion for step-dad here? His wife is refusing the care he is able to provide. He asked her to go with him. She wants something else. What's he to do? Tie her to a chair and put her in the moving van? Or, as she wants, leave her at daughter's place?
There are resources--day care, for example. He needs help finding them. Contact the local Council on Aging or the Mental Health Council, have her doctor make some referrals, and/or see an attorney who specializes in Elder Care.
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Oy vey, this man is 100% responsible for his wife.

Maybe you and your sisters can help him figure out what to do for his wife. Men, no offense to anyone, are typically not resourceful caregivers. If you see that he is at the end of his rope, odds are he is hanging on by the skin of his teeth.

Any move will be hard on your mom, it is just that way with dementia and the elderly.

I would seriously consider a family meeting with step-dad and all siblings involved and try to find a way to keep mom safe and cared for. Finding a place that parents can afford is a matter of research and I think your local area on aging is a great place for resources, it helps with lists and phone numbers to the services required, as well as the steps needed to insure that mom is being properly placed for her condition, dementia only gets bigger, I don't say worse because some hard to handle individuals become easier, so keep this in mind when making a decision. The further into dementia the harder change becomes.

Now is the time to pull together, as this is really about mom and her well being. Hopefully step-dad will bear the responsibility he willingly accepted when he married your mom. If not, and no one else can take her, take her to the hospital, tell them her husband abandoned her and she has no safe place to go. This will get the state involved and hopefully get her placed and on the road to Medicaid. He will get into a lot of trouble, but if he abandons her, he should. Walking away doesn't nix legal or financial responsibilities.

I hope that he is man enough to do right by his wife.
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Lindaav- to qualify for Medicaid, both the income and assets of the married couple are considered. There are state specific rules which allow the spouse that remains in the community to keep half of the marital assets up to a certain limit which is different in each state. The community spouse is also allowed to keep income equal to a Minimum Monthly Maintenance Amount. There are ways to deal with excess income. A lawyer needs to be consulted.
Just dropping her off at one of her daughters' homes with no paperwork in place to allow them to make decisions or spend her money is not a good plan at all.
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Has anyone picked up the 'phone and had a conversation with your mother's husband?

One text message about a hypothetical move and marriage breakdown doesn't seem a lot to go on...
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My first reaction was that stepdad is a selfish jerk until I read agingmyself’s comment. Stepdad really is in a no win situation. He’s working, needs to move and his wife’s needs will be ever-increasing. Yes, he’s legally and financially responsible but what if he weren’t even in the picture? Sad challenge for all involved.
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What state are they in? Try to find a facility that accepts Medicare. Trust me, there is a LOT of work & paperwork involved to make anything with health care happen.... Start a notebook / spreadsheet of everyone you speak with, from doctors to facilities that you visit. It can become very overwhelming very quickly... Either you or one of your sisters should become her POA, it will makes things easier...
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Getup mediCaid not Medicare. Medicare does NOT pay for long term custodial care for Alzheimer’s...
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Where exactly was "divorce" mentioned?
Where is Mom living now?
Does she own the home, or both, or rent?
Can she stay put and have in-home support come in?
Can the hubs be required to support her at home?

Is it really a divorce? You want to get his new address before he moves.

Many many couples live apart for work purposes.
What are their ages?

A visit is in order, called boots on the ground. Imo.
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I married about the same time as this couple 2007 in 2013 my husband retired at age 56 we didn’t know then that he had frontotemporal dementia because he could cover up things but he was diagnosed in 2015 As a spouse we become one married for better for worst in sickness and health . It’s not the responsibility of the children yes they should help but it’s the spouse that should step in until he has no choice but to but his love one in a nursing home . Leaving for a job? like this is the only job in the world is an excuse God is able to work anything out for you I have been retired 2 years now since I realized I cannot leave my husband alone I wasn’t ready to retired but I put him first and I have been truly blessed I am sitting on my front porch writing this with my husband next to me his mindset is now that of a child there is no conversation I have to help in many things but I don’t regret my decision
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Where to start... whew.

He has not mentioned divorce but it seems like that might be what he wants since he’s trying to move and have her live with someone else. He is moving for work. Asking her (he had to of known) is ridiculous because he knew she would say no.

My mom is 62 and currently in TX. She is pretty far advanced and really shouldn’t be left alone for long periods of time. She knows who her kids are but has 0 emotional awareness and has really no recollection who we are married to or that we all have young kids. He has cameras installed and monitors the house regularly to make sure she’s safe and eating.

That being said her husband is similar aged, so he is still too young to retire and he said that he has looked into facilities for her but it would cost him more money than he makes, which I know now isn’t possible. He lives a semi lavish (for him) lifestyle - eats out, hunts, nice truck, large home, etc. The home was his before met my mom. She literally has NO assets to her name.. before we realized that she had this disease she would compulsively shop and hoard stuff in closets, she she spent all the funds from her divorce from my dad.

We have tried to reach back out to him but he seems to be avoiding us. He just keeps texting back that he’s busy. My sisters and I are starting to think that this is a false alarm and he’s crying wolf...
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This time is crucial for advocacy and being there for your Mom.
In some states, after 11 years of marriage, she would get support. Unless there was a pre-nuptial signed, she has 1/2 of the marital assets, including furniture.

You think she has no assets, but the truth of that may be more likely that she will not be able to receive government supports because of the assets in divorce. Even though he owned the home prior to marriage, she would be entitled to 1/2 of the increase in equity from the value at time of marriage to the present time: 11 years.
There may be cars, other investments.

You don't know that he is selling the house or has already sold it. Or selling the furniture off, and other assets. She needs an attorney. There may be debts.

She needs help now, from family. Try googling homes for sale at their address.

Like I said, boots on the ground. Try a phone call, personal contact, and friends on FB.
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This time is crucial for advocacy and being there for your Mom.
In some states, after 11 years of marriage, she would get support. Unless there was a pre-nuptial signed, she has 1/2 of the marital assets, including furniture.

You think she has no assets, but the truth of that may be more likely that she will not be able to receive government supports because of the assets in divorce. Even though he owned the home prior to marriage, she would be entitled to 1/2 of the increase in equity from the value at time of marriage to the present time: 11 years.
There may be cars, other investments.

You don't know that he is selling the house or has already sold it. Or selling the furniture off, and other assets. She needs an attorney. There may be debts.

She needs help now, from family. Try googling homes for sale at their address.

Like I said, boots on the ground. Try a phone call, personal contact, and friends on FB.

Wishing this is a false alarm is not going to work out.
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Oh and I searched for their marriage info online and they legally got married in 2013 but they cohabitated from at least 2006.
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I agree if they went the divorce route she would have some assets. And that would also enable us to use those assets (funds) to put her in a home and go the route of a spend down until she has only her SS left. My best guess is that he doesn’t want to give up a lot of money to do this. Which limits us. I think that we need to all get together and find an attorney and figure out what’s best for all parties or the least impactful for my mom.

If he moves he will sell, I have checked and it doesn’t appear that it’s currently for sale. They sold her car a couple of years ago because she would drive off and get lost (very scary).
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Not a lawyer here, but available online:
"Section 2.401 of the Texas Family Code holds that a common law marriage is one in which no formal marriage ceremony was held, no marriage license was obtained and the parties had: ... live together in Texas as husband and wife. hold themselves out to others in Texas as husband and wife.Jul 5, 2017".

AND THEN THEY WERE MARRIED!

Your statement, I think, is reflecting a defeatist attitude when you say:
"My best guess is that he doesn’t want to give up a lot of money to do this. Which limits us".

The divorce laws are the laws.....oops, he just cashed in his 401 K.
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It sounds to me like step-dad has been trying to care for Mom the best he can--cameras to watch her, selling her car to protect her.
Perhaps you could research Elder Law attorneys in their area and suggest that he make an appointment to see about getting her qualified for Medicaid. He need not lose his home and income for her care, and a good elder law attorney can accomplish that.
You might also want to research and visit care facilities to see what might be suitable for her.
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wrightabshire.com/

Here is an elder attorney with all the right credentials. Look for one in stepdads area. He needs someone that knows the ropes that can handle it all for him.

He has been dealing with this awhile now and trying to work. It must feel overwhelming to need to move with her in her current condition.

Does he have children living near by that may have been helping him with her?

Texas is a community property state. While you aren’t willing to take her in, and I’m not saying you should, it’s good you are trying to help him find solutions. Let us know how you handle this.
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What can yo do when a FTD patient paces in and out all day and doesn't understand what you are telling them this is driving me crazy help
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Masonnic, this is very challenging. I’m sure that members here will have many comments. Can you pose your question by starting a new thread? That way people with experience with this will be able to respond. Scroll down to where it says “Ask a question.”
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Well, if he's not answering calls or messages it makes it a bit difficult.

Can anyone go and visit them any time soon?

I have to say, the poor man must be tearing his hair out. Of course she's your mother, and you naturally want the best for her, but don't let that prevent you from assessing their situation objectively. If it isn't going to end up in a terrible mess you will need his co-operation.

The situation also brings to my mind a comparable one I know of where the wife is showing clear signs of dementia and her husband has simply upped sticks and left the country. I think very badly of him for it, I think he's an irresponsible cad, but it does shed a different light on how your stepfather is behaving. At least he has demonstrated an interest in protecting your mother and looking for workable options for her. I should get on board with that, if I were you.
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Can I ask how your parents marriage ended? this sounds so much like my mil's situation, except my fil left her the resources he thought she would need - might not have been enough but at least to get started and he tried but she almost immediately gave it to her granddaughter - some for her divorce - and not the one she more immediately made POA, which is another issue that's been raised, if not here, then somewhere, is that still valid now that she's remarried and furthermore we're not sure if it's just financial or includes medical as well, other than it seemed as she began having problems POA did not want to be involved, said granddaughter that got mom's money has now remarried but she and said husband have sold everything they had at his family's place and bought next to her parents for her dad to build them a house there but now he's gotten cancer so they're living with them and her mom's in bad shape besides, so they're in no position to take care of mil - fil was working but has now had to stop - they are both of retirement age - to stay home with her - something he had just spend 12 yrs. doing with his previous wife - not that you ever know what the future holds but something he was not expecting with mil, but beyond that, with the provisions that had been made by fil and what she did with family, he did not expect to be the one responsible and we're not really sure he is, is he?
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send me, where did you get that he just cashed in his 401K or is that just a hypothetical?
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The care home my husband is in is 164 a day. I have applied for Medicaid in the state of kansas but approval rate is very slow-up to 6 months to a year. The home will take the social security but you are responsible for the rest. So I am looking at having to come up with about $3000 a month. My income is social security also. I cannot lift him any longer but I may have to take him home. He can walk short distances with a walker, is incontinent and confused. He cannot be left for a second. Council on aging can give you a list of nursing facilities but once again you have to come up with the money for the care. I am hoping the State of Kansas moves on its backlog of Medicaid applications but hope gets me nowhere.
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You are responsible for nh care. Social security will not cover the additional cost. You fund the remainder. Nursing facilities do not accept partial payment. Problem in Kansas is the backlog for Medicaid. I will have to bring my husband home. Cannot afford the cost. He is incontinent, confused and I cannot lift him. He walks short distances with walker. Council on aging can give you a list of facilities but they do not provide respite care or any caregiving.
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Her husband may not have to pay for her care. Even if the home were owned jointly, he would be allowed to stay in it. But since its his may not be considered. Depending on the state, his earnings or investments may not count towards their joint assets if he had them before their marriage. At 62 Mom can get SS. Not sure about his future earnings, if he will have to use them for her care. These are questions you need to ask a Medicaid caseworker or pay for a lawyer. Her husband, I think, is legally bound to care for her. They way you discribe Mom, she needs more care then he or you can give. I think the solution should be a nursing home and he has to make the first step. Spouse trumps children. He needs to talk to Medicaid. If they have assets together, she is entitled to half for her care.
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