How do you tell your mom that she can’t live with you because it would be too hard to manage work and caregiving?

sosad2 - how old is Mom? is she ill? Are you the only child?

I'm the only girl out of four kids. She just has the generic problems, but can walk and drive when she doesn't have anxiety. Right now she is mentally and emotionally ill. I'm the only one that lives near her. She just turned 78. Thank you

I'm the only girl too. (My brothers have been less than useless).

Sounds like Mom might benefit from seeing a doctor or counselor regarding her depression. Meds and or therapy could be of some help. The isolation (and sometimes fear) of living alone - especially at her age, can be a huge factor with anxiety and depression.

Was she ever social? Is a senior community/apt complex within the realm of possibility?

Does she have close siblings who might also be living alone?

Is there any sort of volunteer organization you might get her interested in? A lot of retired persons volunteer with Red Cross disaster services in my area, and thus stay as busy as they want to be.

Would it help to talk to your brothers and have them invite her to stay at their homes for a month of so at a time? I had an elderly relative who did just that - staying with different adult children for weeks to months at a time.

You have a fine line to walk here, and you need to set things in place NOW to insure that if family is going to be primarily responsible for Mom, that you aren't the only one simply because of your gender.

You have responsibilities to yourself, your children and your job. Some of us here at the board gave up jobs to care for our parents, and as a consequence find ourselves without the funds or the time to meet our own needs.

You might also consider speaking to a counselor about all of this before it becomes overwhelming. I wish you all the best.

Actually, I am looking for a counselor to assist, but even that becomes a challenge to find someone in this area. I find that not too many people want to be involved in this. So, how may brothers do you have? the problem I'm having today is just keeping myself focused,, friends have told me that i'm letting this consume me, and it is, but I'm either dealing with things in the present, and then still trying to follow up on commitments that professionals have made to me. The system is breaking down i think

Better the system break down than you - right?

Perhaps one thing you could try is a type of compartmentalization. Surely you've done it before. Its when your kids are home sick and you NEED to be at work. Or you're freaked because you might not make the whatever payment on time this month but you still have to take and pass an important test. . . Other things, important things, serious-life-changing-things may be happening in one part of your life - but if you make them your sole focus you could end up dropping all the other balls you have in the air, and then you'd really be in trouble!

Perhaps making a list or two would help.

First, a worry list, and you can tote in around and keep it on your desk and on your bedside tabel at night. It helps quiet my mind at bedtime to have all my worries written down, so I won't run them over and over in my mind when I need to be sleeping.

Second, a daily updated to-do list. Call the doctor back. Fill the script. Pay the bill. Mail the letter. Call the friend. Scratching these off each day or moving them to the next day and then the next day until they are done. This also might help you focus both with friends and with work at hand.

Try to make time every day to ask how your friends are. be specific. Ask how you can help them. Your problems may be more pressing than theirs, but they still need an ear and a shoulder.

My house is totally upside down with worry for a number of very serious reasons. I have a note on my monitor now that says "never forget how lucky you are". It sounds silly - but everytime I see it I take a moment to be grateful, for as difficult as the situation is, it could be worse. (And as it seems likely at present that it IS indeed going to get worse, I am saving up my anger and tears for a real BIG breakdown.
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Two brothers. Well-liked, successful, professional men who haven't been to see their mother (or me) in more than 5 yrs.

Wow, on your last paragraph. It seems like a very common thread. Are they too busy with their lives to visit or are they too important? I've decided i'm going to try to approach with an org. chart.

Do not move your mother in with you if you think it will not work - most times it doesn't. It is just too hard to combine two adult households, so your Mom should not take this personally. You will be saving a whole lot of heartache for you both. Your Mom is looking to you as an emotional crutch. It is not your fault that she is unhappy - not your responsibility. Wouldn't it be nice if we really could make others happy and take away all their problems?
Find your Mom an appropriate living environment. That could be staying in her own home with increasing in-home care or an ALF where she would have more interaction and activities to keep her busy. She really needs more social contact. Also, does she have any hobbies that she liked to do? Involve her in looking for her new digs and in finding hobbies that she would like to try - but do not become her entertainment.
She is isolating herself and that only intensifies how she if feeling. And she needs to be involved in improving her own mental health. But none of this is your fault or responsibility - so don't take that on your shoulders.

This is the crutch of being a caregiver -- where do you draw the line...? just got off the phone with a social worker who will come out to talk and I am very grateful. Have you ever watched someone continuously make bad decisions but there's nothing you can do. ugh

sosad2: Yes!! continually. Find her the help she needs and nice, safe surroundings. Draw the line at emotional blackmail. It is not easy figuring out how far to go.
Perhaps cut down on the visits and give her back some of the responsibilities that she is able to handle.
She really needs more to do. Remember what they say about "idol hands?"

..oops...that should read "idle hands" heh, heh