You need to take the keys away from him. My dad had one car accident, then got lost once, then got lost again and was found on a two lane highway without gas in the middle of the road. After worrying where my dad was all day and night, he was found asleep in the middle of the road. Do it to protect your spouse and others that could also be hurt or killed!
I've only read a couple of comments here, with very good advice, and your answers why they won't work, Chyron.
It seems clear that you either need to apply to the courts for guardianship, or you call social services and say that your husband with dementia has become a danger to himself and others and you can no longer care for him. Personally, I don't think that you should become his guardian, as you are not able to care for him. You need to prioritise your safety, so let social services (or whoever APS are) take over from you.
Right now, your husband has access to money and can do anything he wants, without having the capacity to take responsibility. Well, someone has to take responsibility - either you or social services.
First step - take away his driving licence and hide it where he can't find it. I wouldn't have thought that car hire companies can let a person without a license drive a car away.
Next step, call 911 the next time your husband seems out of control, threatening or aggressive. Let him be taken in for a psychiatric evaluation. Your husband needs to be forced into residential care.
This is what I did with my husband who has dementia. It is very hard to stick with it, but I am. The doctor told him he should not drive, which is when I took the keys. I'm in the process of having our insurance company cancel his coverage to ensure he does not drive.
Can you sell the car? Or at least store it somewhere where husband can not access it. He will be angry if you take the car away. Be prepared for that. He doesn't want to accept, or doesn't realize his diminished capability. Arguing about his ability to drive is not worth the energy and the breath and the hurt feelings. Just remove the car so it is not an option. You can show him how easy it is to get a ride from a ridesharing service, or perhaps a friend or volunteer. There are medical transport services, if he qualifies for that, which might even be paid by insurance (or medicare/medicaid). People get used to their independence, and don't want to give it up. It truly is a danger for him to be driving. An innocent person could be killed in the next accident. Don't let that happen.
If you are keeping the car for your use, then you too must get used to not having a car.
Take the car away. Do you want him to kill himself or others? You have to intervene. Doesn't matter if he is stubborn, etc. If you are intimidated, leave the house. Call APS. This cannot continue. Get into therapy. You are allowing this behavior to continue, likely due to fear / low self-esteem.
Put a bumper sticker on his car (at the last minute before he drives) that reads: -------------------------------- How am I driving? Call 911 if you see something. --------------------------------
"He is stubborn, secretive, spiteful, angry. Did not find out about accident for days."
Sounds familiar. This describes my dH at certain times in the past. Doctor advised we treat each other with kindness.
He was walking our dog, and it allegedly bit a neighbor who provoked it, my dH did not tell me until he asked a question at the vaccination clinic a day later.
He is still secretive. Does not want me to talk to his associates (a narcissistic trait). We both are volunteering, and his leader emailed a question and a thank you to me. Overlapping roles.
His anger has left. I had been surprised when he treated me like the enemy years ago, preferring advice from his church friends about an attorney helping dH get a Veterans benefit, something I had already checked out and he did not qualify. We had a stranger attorney calling us! None of their business.
I am telling you this because.....
Sometimes, allowing someone else to enforce the no longer driving may help you both to remain friends in your marriage. Seek help.
I made sure my car was parked behind his so he couldn't back out. When my hubby who had Alz grabbed some hidden keys I didn't know about, He couldn't move it because I was parked behind him He ranted and raved. I did not move my car for three days, I even had to cancel a doctor's appointment. Finally he gave me the set of keys. He did not have keys to my car and never drove it. In a lucid moment, he wanted to give his truck to the grandson. I had that truck gone in less than 2 hours. My heart aches for you. I wish I had an answer.
I had the same issue with my father On our next doctor visit I slipped his doctor a note saying My fathers driving is extremely dangerous, please take his licence away and blame it on his disease The doctor was very professional keeping me, his caregiver completely out of it good luck
Yes, this is an important step although many people will STILL drive regardless of having a license or not. With dementia, they can do anything and do not have the cognitive abilities to ... know what is going on.
My mother has dementia, and after moving back to California, she was very serious about getting her drivers license. I made the appointment and she did not pass the test two times.
Her doctor also said she should not drive and was in the process of alerting the state but I let Mom take the license test anyway because I knew she would fail.
Someone suggested talking to doctors and attorneys and that is really good advice. Contact your husband’s doctor in conjunction with a family law attorney and find out what you can do. If you are his power of attorney, then you will have more power to stop him from driving.
And if he becomes more aggressive, or you feel in danger, sleep in a different bedroom and lock your door or maybe it’s time he lives somewhere else.
I know it’s really really hard. My sister and I take turns with my mother and even though she’s not aggressive, being a caretaker is extremely stressful and exhausting. You must take care of yourself and save yourself from what does stress can do to your body and mind.
I will send you a prayer and for your husband as well.
The next time he gets a car from the rental agency call the police tell them you saw this vehicle driving crazy all over the road it almost hit you(you don't have to tell them who you are). Next you write to your governor of the state tell them your husband has Alz and he is a menace behind the wheel and you are trying to stop another accident from happening(you could probably send an email to them). You reach out to anyone or everyone that will listen to you.
If he is aggressive call 911 report him. They will take him to the hospital to evaluate him. There you tell the social worker that you can't have him at home and it isn't safe for you or him to be together.
They will get more aggressive and it won't end great believe me. I would be on the phone with every attorney in my area explaining the situation so that you find one that will help you in this matter. Also protect yourself meaning if you have a joint account make another account in your name only transfer your money there. If you have joint credit cards cancel them. Make it harder for him to rent a vehicle.
For all the agencies that rent vehicles I would call corporate and tell them that your husband has had 3 accidents. I would let them know that its on them now you have warn them that he is like this.
Prayers that you can get the help that you need. Keep calling someone including the police to get the help needed.
I would get him to the dr to get diagnosed . With my aunt she had to go thru a simulated driving test and they took her license away. So I would really get to your Dr to get him tested
Does he have an actual diagnosis of Alzheimer’s from a Dr?
I'm not sure if this is true, so PLEASE check this out for yourself in your state. I’ve heard that if there is a dementia diagnosis in a persons medical records and there’s an auto accident, if the insurance or police see that diagnosis the insurance company may not pay for any claims for that accident. Again, I’m not positive so check with your insurance company and/or ask the police dept.
So if there’s a wreck and cops are called, if they or anyone else involved feels your husband isn’t “clear”, if it comes out he has dementia (thru medical records), you and he could be liable for whatever damages have been caused. That’s a frightening thought.
So that and just the idea that he may get really hurt or hurt someone else would be enough for a clear thinking person to stop driving. But since he is not clear thinking anymore. Does he have an actual diagnosis? Even if he doesn’t and police or others involved think he is of clear mind, they will either think he’s drunk or has dementia and they will check.
Be prepared to drive him wherever he needs to go. Take the keys and hide them - give them to trusted family member or friend. Have his car moved to family or friend. Keep your car keys hidden and your car locked. You can be “secretive too”. Ask Dr or get advice from police dept on ways to handle…I’m sure they run into this sort of thing a lot. Have Dr explain to husband that he can no longer drive…sometimes bad news is taken better from a third party.
Please keep us posted on what you do and what works so others can know.
I am sorry for what you are going through. I am in the state of California and I was told that when a doctor gives an Alzheimer's disease diagnosis, that doctor is supposed to notify DMV. It is selfish, irresponsible and dangerous to drive with cognitive impairment. You could lose everything you have EVER worked for. If there is an accident and a lawsuit, of course, what does the attorney search for? BLAME. Regardless of who caused the accident, your husband will be automatically liable.
Disable the car! Move the car so he cannot see it. He has ALZ if he doesn't see it he'll forget about it. My daddy had ALZ - He forgot that he had only a state id and he did not have car insurance. I would have to remind him that I did the driving and he could not drive without insurance. When I reminded him that he did not have insurance he would yell at me and ask me why he didn't have insurance. I would tell him that he didn't need to drive that I would take him to where he needed to go. I was the worse daughter ever! Didn't care - too bad. Save lives was my concern!
You don’t state where you are located. I would start with contacting his primary care dr or neurologist and get them to write a letter that you, or another family member. takes to your local DMV. I have included a link for Virginia, where I live, so you have an example so you know what to look for in your state: https://www.dmv.virginia.gov/licenses-ids/license/medical/review
We also took my MIL’s car to the shop and it never came back. All other keys are kept in a small keypad safe. Really-she would even try to take my husband’s big work truck if she can get the keys.
Do you have other family that is able or willing to help? As a last resort you may have to call Adult Protective Services. You are in your 80s and need help with this. You are walking on eggshells and need help.
If it's possible, try not to despair. This is the most brutal disease imaginable and it's not intentional. Our loved ones don't want to be helpless and they begin to feel that way when things go wrong but they truly do not know that they are losing any mental facility... The only thing I can say is that as the disease progresses, it seems to get easier to understand the results of the disease are not personal or malicious or intentional. It helped me tremendously to read answers from people here who don't boss us around assuming we know what's going on. Those who are kind and understand our despair are the best people to follow. I hope you can find some support for yourself in these trying times. Blessings...
Tark the keys and hide them. Plain and simple. He could hurt/kill himself or someone else. He is going to be mean and secretive regardless if he is driving or not. (Ive cared for a grandfather with dementia) I'm sure you don't want that on your conscious!
This is one of the most difficult problems to confront. When accidents begin to happen, it's time to ask the police for help. Might you be able to speak with them about taking away his license? Would he understand that? There will certainly be many suggestions like lying about his car being broken and disabling it... losing his keys etc. The police have told us that when accidents begin happening, they will help us by "tracking" our loved one but until that time, they can do nothing. If he has dementia, he's probably not being secretive or spiteful - but truly doesn't know better. He may be angry- that is part of the disease that somehow they know something is off but they can't figure what it would be. May you find comfort in the days to come. Recommendation: find out as much about the disease as possible so that you can more effectively tell "fiblets" to him.
Have you called the rental car company and asked them to not to allow him to rent a car? Tell them the risk involved and maybe they can block him. I have done it before when my mom was binge shopping with success.
Most rental places are national companies. Who is going to prove to the rental company that he has dementia when he's standing there signing the paperwork and paying for it? Even if the wife called in advance, I promise you the person at the rental desk has no legal ability to prevent him from renting based on a phone call from someone claiming to be his wife and claiming he has dementia.
Talk to his doctor and demand he send a form to DMV stating this man has ALZ and is not fit to drive. I would ask for a letter stating that so you can show the car rental places. It should state he also can no longer sign contracts.
He must be very good at "showtiming" to get to rent a car. You need to do something. Get guardianship and then place him. See about splitting your assets so yours can't be touched if he ends up killing someone.
@chyron24....you mentioned you saw an Elder Care Attorney but they do not handle Guardianships. That is not an Elder Care Attorney that I would trust. They SHOULD handle Guardianships as that is sometimes part and parcel of Elder Law. If a person comes in and can not legally sign documents because the attorney does not think they are competent to understand what they are signing then Guardianship is the next step.
@chryn24...he should not be able to rent a car, renting means you sign a contract. If he has dementia he can not enter into a contract. How did he get to the rental place? You need to contact the Dr and have the Dr notify the DMV to revok his license, you can contact them yourself. Once the license is revoked he can not rent a car as they will check.
Who is going to prove to the rental company that he has dementia when he's standing there signing the paperwork and paying for it? The wife is not even his PoA. Even if the wife called in advance, I promise you the person at the rental desk has no legal ability to prevent him from renting based on a phone call from someone claiming to be his wife and claiming he has dementia.
Get a DIVORCE lawyer. Close all joint accounts, cancel all credit cards. Make it clear to the Judge in the interlocutory hearing that he has been diagnosed with Alz, and is a clear danger to himself and others. You cannot get legal help or cooperation to control his actions! Provide proof of the crashes, medical diagnosis, and ask the Court to take guardianship. YOU FEAR FOR YOUR LIFE & SAFETY.
You want to end the marriage because you have no way to control his behavior. You fear he will be sued from whatever havoc he causes and YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIM. He is aggressive and determined, and unable to listen to reason..
Start looking for a studio to move into, while you protect whatever share of property is yours. This is a terrible position to be in! It will stress you out health wise. Filing for divorce stops your financial responsibility for his behavior. You may not need to divorce once he gets placed. You are a sitting duck now otherwise.
Once he is placed in a secure facility, you can move back home. You can be his advocate (if you wish). Do you have family or close friends you could stay with for a few months? He needs to be Baker Acted, 5150'd or placed in a MC/psych facility by force. Him driving and renting cars illegally is the start of more aggressive and dangerous behavior, Protect YOURSELF FIRST. Sorry you have to go through this. Good luck!
Nobody to help. How to protect my share of house? He owns half the house. Will not sign over. No POA. Am a sitting duck. Making another lawyer appt. Probably need to see 2, one for matrimonial and one for elder guardianship. Oh boy, in meltdown.
Your husband has to be placed, against his will, in either a Memory Care Assisted Living facility or Skilled Nursing care. Do you have POA?
If not, file for guardianship with the court.
See his doctor about medications to calm him down.
Call 911 if he's out of control and have him taken to the ER for a psych hold where they WILL medicate him.
In the meantime, disable the car. Slash the tires. Enterprise WILL rent him a car w/o insurance....they'll just sell him THEIR insurance.
Call the local car rental agencies and tell them your husband's name and that he has dementia and will be coming by to rent a car. DO NOT RENT HIM A CAR.
Cancel all the credit cards and debit cards and have ONE new card of each type reissued in your name ONLY.
Hide the checkbook(s).
Call around until you find an elder care attorney thst DOES handle guardianship and divorce, if that's what you want. But your husband must be placed in managed care of some kind safely before you can leave him otherwise. Speak to the attorney about that too.
It seems clear that you either need to apply to the courts for guardianship, or you call social services and say that your husband with dementia has become a danger to himself and others and you can no longer care for him.
Personally, I don't think that you should become his guardian, as you are not able to care for him. You need to prioritise your safety, so let social services (or whoever APS are) take over from you.
Right now, your husband has access to money and can do anything he wants, without having the capacity to take responsibility. Well, someone has to take responsibility - either you or social services.
First step - take away his driving licence and hide it where he can't find it. I wouldn't have thought that car hire companies can let a person without a license drive a car away.
Next step, call 911 the next time your husband seems out of control, threatening or aggressive. Let him be taken in for a psychiatric evaluation.
Your husband needs to be forced into residential care.
If he threatens you, call 911 for an involuntary admission to a hospital to evaluate his mental health.
He will be angry if you take the car away. Be prepared for that.
He doesn't want to accept, or doesn't realize his diminished capability. Arguing about his ability to drive is not worth the energy and the breath and the hurt feelings. Just remove the car so it is not an option.
You can show him how easy it is to get a ride from a ridesharing service, or perhaps a friend or volunteer. There are medical transport services, if he qualifies for that, which might even be paid by insurance (or medicare/medicaid).
People get used to their independence, and don't want to give it up. It truly is a danger for him to be driving. An innocent person could be killed in the next accident. Don't let that happen.
If you are keeping the car for your use, then you too must get used to not having a car.
Do you want him to kill himself or others?
You have to intervene.
Doesn't matter if he is stubborn, etc.
If you are intimidated, leave the house.
Call APS. This cannot continue.
Get into therapy. You are allowing this behavior to continue, likely due to fear / low self-esteem.
--------------------------------
How am I driving?
Call 911 if you see something.
--------------------------------
They do not have cognitive / reasoning abilities.
Calling 911 will happen after he kills or maims someone.
Sounds familiar. This describes my dH at certain times in the past. Doctor advised we treat each other with kindness.
He was walking our dog, and it allegedly bit a neighbor who provoked it, my dH did not tell me until he asked a question at the vaccination clinic a day later.
He is still secretive. Does not want me to talk to his associates (a narcissistic trait). We both are volunteering, and his leader emailed a question and a thank you to me. Overlapping roles.
His anger has left. I had been surprised when he treated me like the enemy years ago, preferring advice from his church friends about an attorney helping dH get a Veterans benefit, something I had already checked out and he did not qualify.
We had a stranger attorney calling us! None of their business.
I am telling you this because.....
Sometimes, allowing someone else to enforce the no longer driving may help you both to remain friends in your marriage. Seek help.
than 2 hours. My heart aches for you. I wish I had an answer.
On our next doctor visit I slipped his doctor a note saying
My fathers driving is extremely dangerous, please take his licence away and blame it on his disease
The doctor was very professional keeping me, his caregiver completely out of it
good luck
Her doctor also said she should not drive and was in the process of alerting the state but I let Mom take the license test anyway because I knew she would fail.
Someone suggested talking to doctors and attorneys and that is really good advice. Contact your husband’s doctor in conjunction with a family law attorney and find out what you can do. If you are his power of attorney, then you will have more power to stop him from driving.
And if he becomes more aggressive, or you feel in danger, sleep in a different bedroom and lock your door or maybe it’s time he lives somewhere else.
I know it’s really really hard. My sister and I take turns with my mother and even though she’s not aggressive, being a caretaker is extremely stressful and exhausting. You must take care of yourself and save yourself from what does stress can do to your body and mind.
I will send you a prayer and for your husband as well.
Hugs
If he is aggressive call 911 report him. They will take him to the hospital to evaluate him. There you tell the social worker that you can't have him at home and it isn't safe for you or him to be together.
They will get more aggressive and it won't end great believe me. I would be on the phone with every attorney in my area explaining the situation so that you find one that will help you in this matter. Also protect yourself meaning if you have a joint account make another account in your name only transfer your money there. If you have joint credit cards cancel them. Make it harder for him to rent a vehicle.
For all the agencies that rent vehicles I would call corporate and tell them that your husband has had 3 accidents. I would let them know that its on them now you have warn them that he is like this.
Prayers that you can get the help that you need. Keep calling someone including the police to get the help needed.
may have some advice, even though your husband is not driving drunk.
I'm not sure if this is true, so PLEASE check this out for yourself in your state. I’ve heard that if there is a dementia diagnosis in a persons medical records and there’s an auto accident, if the insurance or police see that diagnosis the insurance company may not pay for any claims for that accident. Again, I’m not positive so check with your insurance company and/or ask the police dept.
So if there’s a wreck and cops are called, if they or anyone else involved feels your husband isn’t “clear”, if it comes out he has dementia (thru medical records), you and he could be liable for whatever damages have been caused. That’s a frightening thought.
So that and just the idea that he may get really hurt or hurt someone else would be enough for a clear thinking person to stop driving. But since he is not clear thinking anymore. Does he have an actual diagnosis? Even if he doesn’t and police or others involved think he is of clear mind, they will either think he’s drunk or has dementia and they will check.
Be prepared to drive him wherever he needs to go. Take the keys and hide them - give them to trusted family member or friend. Have his car moved to family or friend. Keep your car keys hidden and your car locked. You can be “secretive too”. Ask Dr or get advice from police dept on ways to handle…I’m sure they run into this sort of thing a lot. Have Dr explain to husband that he can no longer drive…sometimes bad news is taken better from a third party.
Please keep us posted on what you do and what works so others can know.
If you share assets with him and he gets sued from an accident, you both may lose everything you own.
He should be placed in memory care.
My daddy had ALZ - He forgot that he had only a state id and he did not have car insurance. I would have to remind him that I did the driving and he could not drive without insurance. When I reminded him that he did not have insurance he would yell at me and ask me why he didn't have insurance. I would tell him that he didn't need to drive that I would take him to where he needed to go. I was the worse daughter ever! Didn't care - too bad. Save lives was my concern!
https://www.dmv.virginia.gov/licenses-ids/license/medical/review
We also took my MIL’s car to the shop and it never came back. All other keys are kept in a small keypad safe. Really-she would even try to take my husband’s big work truck if she can get the keys.
Do you have other family that is able or willing to help? As a last resort you may have to call Adult Protective Services. You are in your 80s and need help with this. You are walking on eggshells and need help.
I would ask for a letter stating that so you can show the car rental places. It should state he also can no longer sign contracts.
He must be very good at "showtiming" to get to rent a car. You need to do something. Get guardianship and then place him. See about splitting your assets so yours can't be touched if he ends up killing someone.
How did he get to the rental place?
You need to contact the Dr and have the Dr notify the DMV to revok his license, you can contact them yourself. Once the license is revoked he can not rent a car as they will check.
You want to end the marriage because you have no way to control his behavior. You fear he will be sued from whatever havoc he causes and YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIM. He is aggressive and determined, and unable to listen to reason..
Start looking for a studio to move into, while you protect whatever share of property is yours. This is a terrible position to be in! It will stress you out health wise. Filing for divorce stops your financial responsibility for his behavior. You may not need to divorce once he gets placed. You are a sitting duck now otherwise.
Once he is placed in a secure facility, you can move back home. You can be his advocate (if you wish). Do you have family or close friends you could stay with for a few months? He needs to be Baker Acted, 5150'd or placed in a MC/psych facility by force. Him driving and renting cars illegally is the start of more aggressive and dangerous behavior, Protect YOURSELF FIRST.
Sorry you have to go through this. Good luck!
If not, file for guardianship with the court.
See his doctor about medications to calm him down.
Call 911 if he's out of control and have him taken to the ER for a psych hold where they WILL medicate him.
In the meantime, disable the car. Slash the tires. Enterprise WILL rent him a car w/o insurance....they'll just sell him THEIR insurance.
Call the local car rental agencies and tell them your husband's name and that he has dementia and will be coming by to rent a car. DO NOT RENT HIM A CAR.
Cancel all the credit cards and debit cards and have ONE new card of each type reissued in your name ONLY.
Hide the checkbook(s).
Call around until you find an elder care attorney thst DOES handle guardianship and divorce, if that's what you want. But your husband must be placed in managed care of some kind safely before you can leave him otherwise. Speak to the attorney about that too.
Good luck to you.