Zoom celebration for the deceased?

Sister 46, I'm very sorry for your loss. Whilst you might be very angry that your husband's extended family might be going ahead with something that you know your husband would not have wanted, let them do it - you need have no part in it and not taking part doesn't mean you loved him any less. Try and take comfort from the good memories from your marriage. You will always have them in your heart. Be kind to yourself right now and take some space to just get through each day as it comes. Sending you love.

sister46: I am so very sorry for your loss and I send you condolences. That is very inconsiderate of your extended family to want the Zoom ceremony as it goes against your husband's wishes. However, people WILL no doubt carry it out, BUT you do not have to participate. Prayers sent to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost the love of my life, my husband last October and still miss him every second since. We were married for 25 years. We couldn't have children. He had 3 children from his 1st marriage (all three over age 50). I too took care of him by myself but eventually hired a 8 hr a day caregiver to help me when he could no longer be left alone. (lung cancer) I begged his children and many siblings to just come see him. They were truly more trouble than help in the 2 times they came. "They" too did a memorial service. I didn't attend. These are awful, horrible, despicable people who I can't believe share a single strand of DNA in common with my husband. I will ALWAYS love, honor and cherish my husband. He would have been so ashamed of all of their actions and behavior.
You do what is best for YOU. Be kind to yourself. God bless you and cover you in His loving peace.

Other family members can do what they want. Don't participate if you don't want to. Deal with his death as you wish and include/don't include them if you decide on a certain memorial event on your own.

I don't like celebration for end of life either, however I have been to a couple of them and, I suppose, for what they tried to relay about the person they accomplished it. I just lost my brother and I cannot find anything to celebrate at this point. I am proud of his life accomplishments, but I just can't celebrate losing him.

Acknowledging a life lived is one of the many rites of passage in cultures around the world.

The funeral, memorial, celebration of life, is a way for family, friends, coworkers and more to say good bye. It is rarely for the deceased.

It is a time and place to reminisce, tell stories and find closure. Generally too support is offered to the remaining family.

You cannot stop what is planned. You can choose to participate or not.

Just don't participate. How did you find out about this?

sister46 - I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m sure you have been through a lot as a caregiver of a husband with Alzheimer’s.

If you feel certain he would not have wanted this, tell them he would not have wanted it.

However, you cannot control other people and they will probably do it anyway.

Now is the time for you to concentrate on you. You do not want to be a part of it, so don’t. Instead, try to occupy yourself with something you might enjoy while they have their Zoom.

Best of luck to you.

My heart goes out to you and I understand your fatigue. I am putting my husband on hospice today. There has been a lot of conflict in the family and each person is handling it in different ways. I've learned to express my husband's desires as the absolute things I won't budge on, i.e. His medical care decisions. I've also learned to be gracious in areas where I need to be, i.e. Letting family members zoom my husband daily and keeping him on IV fluids long enough for his Son to make the trip to see him. But, I've also learned to say no to things too, i.e. choosing to opt out of family prayer calls because I am taking care of my needs. I've done my best to honor what my husband would have wanted which was peace within the family and for me to take care of myself as he how hard I worked to take care of him. To the best of my ability God has help me live our marital Christian values during this tough time and I am thankful, yet tired and sad to be almost at the end of this chapter. What is God working in your heart to do in this situation? My prayers are with you😊

I will probably have a similar situation when my dad passes.He had expressed verbally and written his wish not to have any form of sevice.I will convene to our family when the time comes, but if they choose to have a celebration there isn't anything I can do other than not attend.

Funerals and memorials are for the living, never the dead. What would give you comfort? DO THAT! If others wish to have a "ZOOM Celebration," let them. You can decide to participate or not. Please consider a GriefShare group to help you with dealing with the loss of your spouse.

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and for your loss. I’m sure your husband felt your love. I hope you’ll ignore this celebration. I’ve recently found out myself what people will do in times of loss to both get attention and make themselves feel better, if it doesn’t work for you (it wouldn’t for me) then ignore is a solid option

I don't like the word celebration either, however you don't have to participate in it. Unfortunately we can't tell people how to mourn and if this is how they get closure let them go ahead and do that. For you taking care of him you have your closure. I took care of my mom for 3 years by myself as well, I totally understand. I made sure to honor my mother's wish, because that was something we spoke about at length. You should feel content that you did all that you could have done. Have a bless day!

Not sure but part of the issue here may be that the extended family members who did not HELP take care of him when he was alive, now suddenly feel like they want to have something to celebrate his life. And seriously, they need to be allowed to do their "grieving"? 12 years of dementia and no help to wife but they are grieving? Perhaps the husband, who would have been aware, at least in the early days, that his extended family was not present.

I would be angry. it is really easy to make a show of "how sad it is" and "how much we will miss him" but they did not do the hard work of caring for him and showing up for him when he was alive.

Sister, I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband.
11 years is a long time to take care of someone, especially when you're alone. You must have spent much of that time feeling very lonely and isolated.
A funeral - or whatever term people want to use - is for the living, not the dead. I can well understand your exhaustion. I can also imagine you are feeling a good bit of anger towards these family members, as it must seem like they had no great affection for your husband while he was alive - or they would have taken more of a role in his care - but now that he's gone, they're excited to plan a funeral. I can't even begin to imagine how furious that must make you, and rightfully so.
You need to find time to rest now, and time to grieve. It is now time for you to concentrate on you and what YOU need. If you choose not to participate in this ceremony, for whatever reason, that is your prerogative, and you don't have to justify that to anyone. Just be sure the decision is what you want - not what your husband would have wanted - and it's a decision that you won't look back on a year from now and say "I wish I had done that differently.".
Everyone grieves differently. If you are the kind of person that needs solitude during times like this, then be at peace with your decision to not participate. However, if you feel like you would benefit from having people near you now, then participate on your own terms - or plan something with people who you care about and who can offer you comfort during this time. You are what matters right now.
Again, I am so very sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))

If this is something they want then let them plan and don’t participate. Celebration may seem an odd word but it’s for celebrating his life. It is hard being a solo caregiver. Honor his wishes and do what you want. You’re not on this earth to please others whims.

My husband is currently on hospice and I'm facing similar circumstances. He is a Presbyterian minister and I'm sad in these days that I can't have funeral he would have wanted. People have suggested zoom celebration I said no. I dont know if you can stop it but just dont participate and make it clear you do not want not will accept any reports on it. I'm planning private graveside service by invitation only.

Bless your heart. You are totally overwhelmed and exhausted. Just let it go. Let extended family have their Zoom goodbye. You don’t have to participate. You need time to yourself for healing, rest, reflection and peace. My heart goes out to you.

"Celebration" to those the closest to them is hard to take, simply because it seems anything but.

I was there in April when my mum passed away suddenly with Covid-19. Rest of the family wanted to talk and as it was during lockdown, I was never off the phone it seemed when I wanted to be left alone to my thoughts of my mum and reflect on how I was going to face going forward without her in my life. Going forward is much better than being told your moving on.

In terms of your dilemma with the zoom celebration. I would refrain from trying to tell others what to do, after all people grieve in different ways and noone should be told how that process should happen. But also the same applies to yourself. Kindly decline your involvement and remember him in your own way. Go for a walk or do an activity that you know you both enjoyed or got pleasure from. Visit a place close to you both.

Time is an healer in this things and you will find it easier to go forward with him playing a part in your life in a different way to before but still part of it. The main thing to remember that it's not a race and you will go through the grieving process at different pace to everyone else and with different highs and lows along that process. Just be kind to yourself along that journey and you will be fine.

I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I hope you will now take time for you even if you feel guilty about it. When you’re in constant caregivers mode it’s hard to just relax and rest but you need to.

As far as the Zoom gathering, I would let family know your husband’s wishes and that you do not feel comfortable going against what he wanted and you will not be participating, but if they feel like it’s something they need to do you can’t stop them.

Go with the flow; tell your family you’re profoundly exhausted and that a Zoom for THEM sounds like a nice idea. But you prefer to stay out of it, thanx!

Your husband may not have wanted any kind of celebration/service/funeral. But other family and friends might need it to say their own goodbye and remember the good times. A zoom gathering will do that for them. There is no need for you to join in if you don't want to.
Your husband's care was your focus for a very long time. You did all you could to make his last years as good as they could be, and you did it alone. He knew that, and that is what's important. Let the zoom gathering happen and rest assured that it can do no harm at this point. And bless you for those 12 years of caring love.

I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I know you have to be totally exhausted. Like some of the others have said on here, the Zoom Celebration would be more for the extended family, for them to get what ever closure they need. You don't have to participate if you don't want to. Your husband knew that you loved him and that you took great care of him in his final years. Take comfort in that, and don't worry about what the rest of family is doing. You need to now take care of yourself, and do what's best for you.

And the word "celebration" when used in death, for us christians just means that we are now rejoicing that our loved one is now home with Jesus in heaven, and that they no longer have to suffer here in this world. It really is something to celebrate, even though the loss to loved ones left behind is hard.

Wishing you God's peace, comfort and rest during this difficult time.

Let them plan whatever they think will help them. You don't need to participate.

i would just let it go, it's doubtful anything you say will deter them anyway and your absence will speak loud and clear. And I'm sorry for the added stress in your time of loss.