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I'm a married Millennial with 4 small kids and another on the way.
My parents adopted me later in life so here I am faced with raising 5 babies elementary age and below and dealing with aging parents.


When my grandparents were in their early 70s they moved into my Dad's sister's house where she had an "In law suite built" and it's where my Grandparents resided for a decade till grandma died and long term care was needed for Grandad costing our family a whopping 10k a month for another 10 years.


Now that my parents are entering their 70s, though fairly active now I notice my dad having memory issues and my mom starting to have health issues.
I try to bring up "plans" with my parents on what they want done but they always change the subject.
I know they have saved, and lived a comfortable middle class existence, but seeing the cost my family endured to care for my grandparents was over a million dollars plus, (New home remodel, home health aide, skilled nursing care) I'm worried.


With that said, my husband is an only child and I live close by to my parents while my two brothers live 2500 miles away and have no desire to move home. It seems that my husband and I will be left with the caregiving responsibilities of our parents. To be honest we simply can't do it. Between our kids with special needs, I see the next 10-15 years being filled with therapies, school, etc


I saw the sheer exhaustion, frustration etc my parent's had to go through plus financial cost, I'm no where in a position to help or financially give. Not to mention I'm facing these issues much earlier in life.


How do I begin to bring this up with my parents? In our families culture it's expected that I take on the care of my parents like my Aunt did with her parents, and my Mom did with hers. I'm often gaslighted by other relatives who say it's now my turn to "pay back" for everything my parents "have done for me". I'm not sure why me the Daughter with the 5 young kids is expected to take this on.


How do I begin to approach tackling this issue head on? I don't want to wait till something catastrophic happens.

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Here are my thoughts:
If you know your parents are going to have a difficult time with you telling them that you will NOT be their caregiver...why wait? Why postpone the inevitable? You’re not doing them any favors by shielding them from this. It would be a kindness to tell them ASAP before they get older and you get older and more stressed out constantly worried about this. It sounds like they have the presence of mind now to make plans. I wouldn’t want to wait for a health emergency to happen before discussing this.
People can get angry and disappointed when they’re told “No,” but so what? (I’m myself resemble that remark because I’m human); We aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings, responses, etc.
Im 60 and already concerned about what will happen to me when I’m older. I have 2 sons and I can’t see them taking care of me. I can’t possibly expect my DIL to take care of me. She has a mother of her own. I’m not her responsibility. I can’t do that to them. I’ve realized this from months of reading this blog. I get it.
It might be beneficial to see a counselor that can help you to sort through your feelings on this, validate your concerns & help speak your truth with them and be there for you afterward to help you through the fallout.
Make this conversation your top goal for 2021.
Good luck.
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A couple of things --

Yes, you should be focused on your own family first. You have your hands more than full as it is, so you need to control what you CAN control.

Parents who are starting to fail also have trouble making decisions. My MIL is in pretty good health overall and is sharp as a tack, but she never handled the money in the household. My FIL -- also in good health and pretty sharp -- fell, hit his head, had a brain bleed, and was dead in 24 hours. Now MIL is faced with dealing with a rental property, trying to fend off an adult child who's flailing and wants a financial bailout, and innumerable other issues. She simply can't make decisions like she once did, and especially about things she has little knowledge about.

That said, you probably should sit down with your parents and armed with a book about planning for one's later years, explain to them that they need a plan. Offer to go over the book with them, or let them do it themselves with a set date you'll come back to revisit the subject and answer questions or assist in carrying out their plans.

Insist at the very least that they get a will, a trust if they own their own home, advance medical directives, and durable powers of attorney. They do not get to appoint multiple children to the powers of attorney -- ONE must be chosen, because it's a mess otherwise. Point out to them that all those documents are "just in case" paperwork that are not necessarily intended to be used now, but should have been done years ago. (You and your husband, too, should have these documents, especially with special needs children.) None of this requires knowing your parents' finances at this point in time, but it does get them to write down where the accounts are, what the account numbers are, and what their assets are.

Then, leave it alone.

After that, I advise you not to worry about things until someone gives you something to worry about. You have enough on your plate as it is, so ignore the culture warriors who may be quick to criticize but not to help.
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disgustedtoo Jan 2021
Some good points and suggestions. If possible, have pamphlets instead of a book for the initial discussions. A book might be too much. I suggested OP should look into getting her own "affairs" in order and bring mom along, to see it in action. The atty office likely has pamphlets or you can find abbreviated information online. If mom comes along, and sees how it's done, maybe???

Although it might sound prudent to only name one POA, I would suggest at least having a contingent in place - written up such that they can't just take over unless the primary is incapable of performing the duties due to medical issues, accident or death or just decides to relinquish the POA. IF there's no contingent and mom/pop are no longer capable of assigning POA, it would have to be guardianship through the courts.

Both my YB and I were named POA, no distinctions, so one might assume we work together, but as he's shown in the past AND now, trying to get him to answer about anything is a joke. So, I've just done what needed to be done, and now, we're both executors of her will (we wouldn't need probate except for these stimulus payments and a refund of the facility deposit), but I can't even get him to respond how he wants his trust distribution delivered! NO work for him, just where do you want it! FIVE emails and text, and no response. AUGH!

In my opinion, for us, I really don't care that he's named. IF I don't proceed, nothing will get done. I do understand that having co-POAs or co-execs can be a real problem, but that can be avoided by naming a primary and contingent. We are all 3 trustees on the trust, but again, who's doing all the work???
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"...other relatives who say it's now my turn to "pay back" for everything my parents "have done for me"

You pay back by taking care of the next generation, and they do the same for next and the next, etc.
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Frances73 Jan 2021
Taking care doesn’t necessarily mean moving in with them. It can also mean doing what is best for them. Elder abuse is a real thing.
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Hop the kids up on sugar, leave the house a mess, and throw in a dog or two and invite your parents over for dinner. Let them experience the chaos you are dealing with and maybe they will start to make some plans. I tried to have that conversation with my parents and it did not go well. My mom threatened to leave all her money to the church, said she had a random relative a couple of states away that wanted her to come live with her (I'll help you pack Mom), planned to adopt a teenager to be her servent (she was not joking), and eventually they said they would just wait for the disaster. I have tried to communicate my position but they plan to back me into a corner by the inevitable disaster. I can assure you we will all be disappointed in the outcome but at this point I do not see a clear path to avoid it.

So try to have the conversation with your parents but also communicate in other ways. As they start needing a little bit of help here and there you cannot be that help, or it will just keep increasing until you are overwhelmed and feel trapped.

There are many of layers of dysfunction and issues in my family so I hope your conversation goes much better. Good luck!
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disgustedtoo Jan 2021
'I can assure you we will all be disappointed in the outcome but at this point I do not see a clear path to avoid it."

That should read THEY will be disappointed in the outcome... If they don't make plans and have provisions, it is NOT your responsibility to pick up the slack. Don't let them back you into a corner.
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"I'm not sure why me the Daughter with the 5 young kids is expected to take this on." Why you? Because you're the girl. Most cultures always expect the daughters to be the caregivers. I guess it's believed that the girls are more sympathetic and have some kind of inherent care giver gene built into their DNA.

But as others have said, this isn't the old country any more. What would your parents do if they had no children, expect one of their siblings to take care of them? As to your relatives, again.. this isn't the old days when it might be acceptable to have several children to work as free farm labor and house servants. Quite frankly, it's none of their business, either, but I'm sure it's easy to be intimidated by them because they are older (some of them may even count on it). In your case it might be better to simply ignore them and don't try to engage.

You shouldn't feel guilty for putting your own family first, either, that's how it's supposed to work :)
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Don't let the classic "it's part of our family's culture" BS guilt you. That's been an anchor around women's throats for decades (centuries?). It's a pretty constant theme among the threads here, almost always with women.

Do not start a pattern of "helping" them, or you'll be stuck doing it. Do not grocery shop for them, shuttle them around to their doctors appointments, manage their medications, clean their home, etc. You'll be doing more than enough of that with five children. If they become unable to do these things they'll need to go to a facility.

Under no circumstances let them move in with you. Put your foot down and keep it there. You are not responsible for your parent's care, your plate is more than full already. Independent Living and Assisted Living will be their future options once their daily tasks become more difficult. Let them know up front that moving in with your family is NOT an option, set boundaries for yourself, and do NOT back down, even once.
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disgustedtoo Jan 2021
There is one other option, if their needs can be met - bring in help, but THEY pay for it and THEY arrange it. I wouldn't suggest 24/7 care at home, as it is MORE expensive than a facility, but if they have trouble with house/lawn care, they can hire someone. If they have trouble cleaning, they can hire someone. I wouldn't object to occasionally giving a ride to appts, but it needs to be scheduled with YOU in mind, not just willy nilly, expecting you to drop everything, nope. Even taking them grocery shopping, keeping it to a minimum - mom, I'm going X day, need to come along? Non-perishable items can be ordered online and delivered (perishables can be as well, but if there isn't much, bring them with you.) Managing medications can be done with a locked/timed dispenser, so long as no dementia involved - those allow you to set up for 1-4 weeks, depending on how many pills/time per day (i.e. if there's a morning pill and an evening pill, then you'd get 2 weeks out of the dispenser. Multiple pills can fit in the slot. Mom's was 2-3/day, but could be taken same time, so it was good for a month.

Definitely no to home/yard care, cleaning, laundry, etc. They can hire peeps for that!
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When you were their child they were 2 adults taking care of 1 child. You are now 1 adult expected to take care of 2 parents? You also have many children and heavy responsibilities. It isn't the same at all. Besides, children are more fun than cranky old people who want things their way.
Tradition? Well it was different in the old days. Most people didn't live as long in a deteriorated state as they do now. Long term care for elderly is very expensive. What care for old parents consisted of was leaving them in a room and bringing them meals. Today it's transportation to endless medical appointments, keeping up with many medications and full time nursing activities. People lived in larger houses with many relatives. Things are much different today. You have your hands full and that will be for some time.
I would never want to live with my children. I planned for my future and manage my own finances. I am fast approaching 80. I have serious health issues which so far I am able to deal with myself. I hope that continues for some time but if not, I have funds to go into assisted living. Nobobody has to take care of me. I cannot understand why so many people have not planned for the last years of their lives. It is very expensive the last years of our lives. That is the way it is these days. I care about my grandchildren and would not rob their future (or even their present) to take care of an old wreck like me. That would be very selfish. I would not want to do that.
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Jackson009 Jan 2021
I am taking care of two elderly family members (was 3) with little help but my child, who has been uprooted for over a year to help. There is no one else, or they disappeared. Either way, I hope when I get older (if) that I don't do this to my child. I want him to be happy with his chosen family. I agree with you that now days people are living longer, but it is not always better. Linger is a better term for some of them. Most days I don't mind what I am doing, and I want to help them. But sometimes I get angry about it. And their complacent attitudes make it worse. I can ask them what they want to do about a certain aspect of their care and they say, "Well, I don't know." Like I should have already had it figured out for them. Taking care of two households (sometimes 3) and 'living' for three people while feeling guilty about abandoning a spouse is not easy. And they do look to the past to justify it all, still try to live like it's 1940, but you are so right. Things are not like they were in the past. You can't raise a family of 13 kids on a small farm with so many around to help. Everyone is gone. You can't even raise a single child today without much expense. I wish they thought more like you do on the subject.. Would be easier than trying to deal with their unspoken expectations and disappointments.
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I'm an adopted only child and married a man whose folks had already passed away. That left us with the prospect of MY aging parents, and what to do about them when the time came.

I made it known for many years that I would NOT be taking my folks into my home to live with me, nor would I be moving in with them, 'when the time came' that they needed care. I grew up in a house where my mother begrudgingly took in her mother and it was hell on earth living in that house, for all of us. They fought constantly, and my childhood was ruined as a result. This is what led me to make the decision to NEVER take an elder into my home later on in life.

When my mother 'jokingly' told me that for the cost of Assisted Living, they'd pay ME to take care of them, I said "No mom, that will not work for me."

So, I wound up moving them to Colorado (from FL) into an Independent Senior Living apartment 5 miles away from me when dad had to stop driving & my mother refused to take on the 'burden' herself.

3 years later, Dad fell & broke his hip and all hell broke loose. The rehab would not release him back to independent living. NOW WHAT??????? Dad signed over his finances to me; we cashed out his 2 stocks, applied for VA Aid & Attendance Benefits (because he was a wartime Army vet) to the tune of $2300 a month. So, together with their SSI checks, the Aid & Attendance, the cash out of their stocks & their savings account, I was able to place them in Assisted Living in 2014. Dad passed in 2015 and my mother is still alive at 94 & living in Memory Care Assisted Living now with dementia. I am still paying her way privately, the Aid & Attendance benefits are extended to her in a smaller amount as the survivor of the vet, and when the money runs out, then I'll apply for Medicaid to fund her stay in Skilled Nursing if she's still alive.

One way or another, it all falls into my lap as the only child.

One way or another, you and your husband will have to decide how to handle the future care of your parents; will it be in your home (which I do not recommend) or will it be in Assisted Living, and how it will be financed. Do they have homes that will have to be sold? You'll need to get financial and medical POAs installed first.

Keep at the folks; just b/c they don't want to talk about all of this doesn't make it not valid or something that won't happen. In fact, it presents a much bigger burden to YOU by them NOT talking about it. Present it to them that way. Ask for THEIR help on behalf of YOU planning for their care down the road.

Stubbornness is not a good trait to have, but one that most of us are familiar with thanks to our folks.

Wishing you the best of luck constructing a plan that YOU can live with.
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Riverdale Jan 2021
I share a certain amount of similarities with you. Do you worry that once the money runs out it will possibly be difficult to place your mother in the Medicaid system. The skilled nursing where my mother has now landed does not accept it. I am told there is possibly a benevolence plan but I have doubts that will work. She was in the AL section of this facility until November. She was there for 4 years.
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Nicely let your parents know that your hands are full. They need to find another way to receive the care they need. You love them, but are not able to take on more.

Don't give to pressure. Stay strong.
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Momtomany - you parents refuse to plan for themselves, but you don't have to.

You can plan ahead on your plan to help:
--How much time you can give them. Be as specific as possible, such as 2 hours a week.
--What specific help you can offer. And what you will absolutely refuse. Again be specific.
--DO NOT move them into your house, or you to theirs.

These will be your boundaries to protect your life and that of your family.

Also, if you take on responsibility, make sure they give you the authority as well, such as POA and designated payee for SS.
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disgustedtoo Jan 2021
Parents can't designate payee for SS, that has to be done through SS.
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