Young Millennial with aging parents. How do I bring up issues to parents?

Here are my thoughts:
If you know your parents are going to have a difficult time with you telling them that you will NOT be their caregiver...why wait? Why postpone the inevitable? You’re not doing them any favors by shielding them from this. It would be a kindness to tell them ASAP before they get older and you get older and more stressed out constantly worried about this. It sounds like they have the presence of mind now to make plans. I wouldn’t want to wait for a health emergency to happen before discussing this.
People can get angry and disappointed when they’re told “No,” but so what? (I’m myself resemble that remark because I’m human); We aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings, responses, etc.
Im 60 and already concerned about what will happen to me when I’m older. I have 2 sons and I can’t see them taking care of me. I can’t possibly expect my DIL to take care of me. She has a mother of her own. I’m not her responsibility. I can’t do that to them. I’ve realized this from months of reading this blog. I get it.
It might be beneficial to see a counselor that can help you to sort through your feelings on this, validate your concerns & help speak your truth with them and be there for you afterward to help you through the fallout.
Make this conversation your top goal for 2021.
Good luck.

A couple of things --

Yes, you should be focused on your own family first. You have your hands more than full as it is, so you need to control what you CAN control.

Parents who are starting to fail also have trouble making decisions. My MIL is in pretty good health overall and is sharp as a tack, but she never handled the money in the household. My FIL -- also in good health and pretty sharp -- fell, hit his head, had a brain bleed, and was dead in 24 hours. Now MIL is faced with dealing with a rental property, trying to fend off an adult child who's flailing and wants a financial bailout, and innumerable other issues. She simply can't make decisions like she once did, and especially about things she has little knowledge about.

That said, you probably should sit down with your parents and armed with a book about planning for one's later years, explain to them that they need a plan. Offer to go over the book with them, or let them do it themselves with a set date you'll come back to revisit the subject and answer questions or assist in carrying out their plans.

Insist at the very least that they get a will, a trust if they own their own home, advance medical directives, and durable powers of attorney. They do not get to appoint multiple children to the powers of attorney -- ONE must be chosen, because it's a mess otherwise. Point out to them that all those documents are "just in case" paperwork that are not necessarily intended to be used now, but should have been done years ago. (You and your husband, too, should have these documents, especially with special needs children.) None of this requires knowing your parents' finances at this point in time, but it does get them to write down where the accounts are, what the account numbers are, and what their assets are.

Then, leave it alone.

After that, I advise you not to worry about things until someone gives you something to worry about. You have enough on your plate as it is, so ignore the culture warriors who may be quick to criticize but not to help.

"...other relatives who say it's now my turn to "pay back" for everything my parents "have done for me"

You pay back by taking care of the next generation, and they do the same for next and the next, etc.

Hop the kids up on sugar, leave the house a mess, and throw in a dog or two and invite your parents over for dinner. Let them experience the chaos you are dealing with and maybe they will start to make some plans. I tried to have that conversation with my parents and it did not go well. My mom threatened to leave all her money to the church, said she had a random relative a couple of states away that wanted her to come live with her (I'll help you pack Mom), planned to adopt a teenager to be her servent (she was not joking), and eventually they said they would just wait for the disaster. I have tried to communicate my position but they plan to back me into a corner by the inevitable disaster. I can assure you we will all be disappointed in the outcome but at this point I do not see a clear path to avoid it.

So try to have the conversation with your parents but also communicate in other ways. As they start needing a little bit of help here and there you cannot be that help, or it will just keep increasing until you are overwhelmed and feel trapped.

There are many of layers of dysfunction and issues in my family so I hope your conversation goes much better. Good luck!

"I'm not sure why me the Daughter with the 5 young kids is expected to take this on." Why you? Because you're the girl. Most cultures always expect the daughters to be the caregivers. I guess it's believed that the girls are more sympathetic and have some kind of inherent care giver gene built into their DNA.

But as others have said, this isn't the old country any more. What would your parents do if they had no children, expect one of their siblings to take care of them? As to your relatives, again.. this isn't the old days when it might be acceptable to have several children to work as free farm labor and house servants. Quite frankly, it's none of their business, either, but I'm sure it's easy to be intimidated by them because they are older (some of them may even count on it). In your case it might be better to simply ignore them and don't try to engage.

You shouldn't feel guilty for putting your own family first, either, that's how it's supposed to work :)

When you were their child they were 2 adults taking care of 1 child. You are now 1 adult expected to take care of 2 parents? You also have many children and heavy responsibilities. It isn't the same at all. Besides, children are more fun than cranky old people who want things their way.
Tradition? Well it was different in the old days. Most people didn't live as long in a deteriorated state as they do now. Long term care for elderly is very expensive. What care for old parents consisted of was leaving them in a room and bringing them meals. Today it's transportation to endless medical appointments, keeping up with many medications and full time nursing activities. People lived in larger houses with many relatives. Things are much different today. You have your hands full and that will be for some time.
I would never want to live with my children. I planned for my future and manage my own finances. I am fast approaching 80. I have serious health issues which so far I am able to deal with myself. I hope that continues for some time but if not, I have funds to go into assisted living. Nobobody has to take care of me. I cannot understand why so many people have not planned for the last years of their lives. It is very expensive the last years of our lives. That is the way it is these days. I care about my grandchildren and would not rob their future (or even their present) to take care of an old wreck like me. That would be very selfish. I would not want to do that.

I'm an adopted only child and married a man whose folks had already passed away. That left us with the prospect of MY aging parents, and what to do about them when the time came.

I made it known for many years that I would NOT be taking my folks into my home to live with me, nor would I be moving in with them, 'when the time came' that they needed care. I grew up in a house where my mother begrudgingly took in her mother and it was hell on earth living in that house, for all of us. They fought constantly, and my childhood was ruined as a result. This is what led me to make the decision to NEVER take an elder into my home later on in life.

When my mother 'jokingly' told me that for the cost of Assisted Living, they'd pay ME to take care of them, I said "No mom, that will not work for me."

So, I wound up moving them to Colorado (from FL) into an Independent Senior Living apartment 5 miles away from me when dad had to stop driving & my mother refused to take on the 'burden' herself.

3 years later, Dad fell & broke his hip and all hell broke loose. The rehab would not release him back to independent living. NOW WHAT??????? Dad signed over his finances to me; we cashed out his 2 stocks, applied for VA Aid & Attendance Benefits (because he was a wartime Army vet) to the tune of $2300 a month. So, together with their SSI checks, the Aid & Attendance, the cash out of their stocks & their savings account, I was able to place them in Assisted Living in 2014. Dad passed in 2015 and my mother is still alive at 94 & living in Memory Care Assisted Living now with dementia. I am still paying her way privately, the Aid & Attendance benefits are extended to her in a smaller amount as the survivor of the vet, and when the money runs out, then I'll apply for Medicaid to fund her stay in Skilled Nursing if she's still alive.

One way or another, it all falls into my lap as the only child.

One way or another, you and your husband will have to decide how to handle the future care of your parents; will it be in your home (which I do not recommend) or will it be in Assisted Living, and how it will be financed. Do they have homes that will have to be sold? You'll need to get financial and medical POAs installed first.

Keep at the folks; just b/c they don't want to talk about all of this doesn't make it not valid or something that won't happen. In fact, it presents a much bigger burden to YOU by them NOT talking about it. Present it to them that way. Ask for THEIR help on behalf of YOU planning for their care down the road.

Stubbornness is not a good trait to have, but one that most of us are familiar with thanks to our folks.

Wishing you the best of luck constructing a plan that YOU can live with.

Nicely let your parents know that your hands are full. They need to find another way to receive the care they need. You love them, but are not able to take on more.

Don't give to pressure. Stay strong.

Momtomany - you parents refuse to plan for themselves, but you don't have to.

You can plan ahead on your plan to help:
--How much time you can give them. Be as specific as possible, such as 2 hours a week.
--What specific help you can offer. And what you will absolutely refuse. Again be specific.
--DO NOT move them into your house, or you to theirs.

These will be your boundaries to protect your life and that of your family.

Also, if you take on responsibility, make sure they give you the authority as well, such as POA and designated payee for SS.

Personally, I am not going to go into the cultural aspect of your dilemma; it's been covered here. What I can do is give you my experience with my parents and how our family finally got around to discussing care.

I am the youngest of 3 daughters with parents who were in their late 70's & early 80s when all this came up 4 years ago. My parents had moved to Florida for 15 years and moved back because dad needed help taking care of mom, who was showing signs of dementia. They had gotten very bad legal advice in Florida and had no real plan, other than our names on some of their bank accounts.

Going from there, I was very concerned, but dad was pretty closed about long term plans. Luckily, my daughter is a Social Worker involved with discharge planning at a local hospital. She put me in touch with an Elder Law attorney, which is a free service here in NY, to discuss what types of plans needed to be made in order to care for aging parents. That meeting was my God send! Between my daughter and the lawyer, I gained the knowledge of exactly what to expect and what questions to ask. That is probably the most important step you can take for yourself and your family. Educate yourself first.

I made an appointment with my parents, telling them that future plans would be the topic. This made that topic not something to be brushed off. As others have said, I told them up front that I did not need to know their account balances or any financial details, but I just needed to get us all on the same page.

My parents were looking to me to help them most often, as I am the only non-working daughter. I was up front with them at that meeting about how much time I was going to have to help them, and in what ways I would be able to give that help. In another answer, I agree completely, setting your own parameters/boundaries is very important. I told my parents of my own end of life plans, based on what the attorney and I discussed, that my husband and I had made for our own family. I let them know my end of life wishes, no feeding tubes, no intebation, DNR/DNI; then asked them what their wishes would be. We had never discussed that!

One key point that made a difference to them was letting them know that, in an emergency, like after a hospital stay, getting into better rehabs or living facilities is very difficult. Having a plan, making contacts at facilities, getting POAs, MOLST forms (a form of Health Care Proxy with more legal punch), and Trusts put together are the keys to better care for them. With your family history, I would hope they know about Medicaid's 5-7 year look back window, making planning now essential. My father was not aware Medicaid could take a substation amount of their funds for my mothers care if it came to situations like your grandparents. Letting them know I didn't need to know their specifics, unless they were comfortable with that, also opened their trust in me.

It wasn't pleasant, it was difficult, but it started the ball rolling. Letting them in on what could happen if they didn't have clear plans in place, and people other than themselves having knowledge of those plans, flipped a switch in them. They went to the Elder Law attorney I had spoken with, they got POAs and MOLST forms done, they went and visited senior living facilities with multi levels of care. They let my sisters and I in on their health issues and their finances.

Having that one meeting, having the knowledge, knowing what to ask; opened up the conversation and lines of communication. Today, we are all on the same page and everyone knows what to expect.