You are all angels. I’m feeling guilty, because I don’t want my mother-in-law to stay with us.

I'm so sick of kind, talented, intelligent women being judged solely on how well they serve or please others. You said you have a full time job, so how is it that your off time is expected to be used cleaning up potty messes? I'm sorry, but I've been on this forum a while now, and I was a caregiver myself, and I'm so tired of women (and some men) being treated like doormats...and then judged when they say enough is enough.

Hopefully BIL will be willing but you can't/shouldn't assume someone into a caregiving role: he can say no and you have to live with/respect his decision.

What you should do before you ask him is to do the research for Plan B as the back-up. If he says no, then you can leverage this in that conversation. BIL doesn't want to take her in? Ok, here is our Plan B and you must live with it unless you come up with another solution that doesn't involve us in any way.

Then see what he says.

It's your home, your marriage, your life, your wellbeing. What you are doing is having normal, healthy boundaries. That's not selfish.

I'm not sure who all are angels and who aren't, but one thing I can say - we are all human and we are not invincible nor super human, none of us.

You're not selfish at all. You did your time caregiving for MIL and having her living in your house. Four years of it.

You do not have to justify to anyone why you're not having your MIL come stay at your house. There's nothing selfish about it. You had her for four years and enough is enough. It's someone else's turn to take care of her. It's your BIL's turn.

Hold strong to your boundaries and your refusal to have her at your house again. Don't let anyone talk you or guilt you into taking your MIL in.

You have a life and a job.
Guilt is out of the question.
You didn't cause your MIL condition.
You cannot FIX MIL condition.
Both those things would be necessary to enable you to feel guilt.

What you feel is grief and helplessness.
You are not trained nor equipped to do care of this level and you have jobs and lives.

You may think that the brother should assume the care.
I don't.
I think the brother is wise to in no way assume the care for someone he is not ready, willing and able to take care of. I spent my entire life as an RN and I can tell you right now that I personally wouldn't assume this care. I know my limitations. I accept my limitations. I am not up for Sainthood and it is a kind of hubris to think that we have unlimited abilities to address all that can happen in life.

I am very sorry your MIL is going through this. You are as well. That's called GRIEF, not guilt. That is called a tragedy happening to her that you and her son must stand helpless witness to you. I caution you to put your MIL into safe care, visiting her and loving her. Assuming care you aren't trained for will make you a caregiver, not a son and DIL. You need to stay a DIL, not a caregiver.

That's my advice. Not everything can be fixed in life. Not everything has an answer. And throwing your own lives on the funeral pyre of an elder will not help her or you.

What I'm reading here is that in order to remain a "quote unquote" an angel, is that we must not rock the boat, state our true cases, and stopping the care when our body starts saying stop. We are not pack mules. Trust me when I say, that people will just keep heaping it on until we demand that it stops. Only you can place your own boundaries and limit the amount of time and help. Please look after your own health.

Your husband, mother in-law are being selfish thinking that this can be an ongoing arrangement. I think it is time to start with making arrangements for an assisted living or a nice home. I've seen some nice group homes for the elderly and they are really nice.

You just want your life back! Nothing selfish about that, 4 years is a long time, you did your dues and then some!!

We are Angels? I think very few of us want to be Caregivers. Some do it because its a parent. I would not have cared for my MIL. Time to think about placing her.

You are not selfish . You have reached your limit . Tell your husband that he and his brother will have to work out where THEIR mother will be moving to next ( permanently ).
You are only able to be a caregiver for your husband , so you are resigning from working for your mother in law.

It’s not selfish, it’s survival!

You know your limits; good for you.

You can’t caregive for 2 people! Each person needs 2-3 caregivers to be ideal.

Take care of you! 💐