Yelling grandfather. Any advice?

Freqflyer, you are right. I drove from the coast to Portland to Mount Hood yesterday to take him to a higher altitude to see how he did so he can go home to his house in Arizona and he did okay, didn't use oxygen so that's the new plan. I had to tell him I already have plans for the holidays because I assumed he was staying here with my sister in Oregon but now he's changing all my plans and I told him it's going to stay the same I already made plans and he just doesn't hear me. My sister and I agreed we're just going to let him go live on his own until something happens where it forces his hand and he realizes that someone has to help him or he needs to be in assisted living. Thanks so much for listening and advising

terrygma, I don't think you are going to change how Dad acts, in fact, he will probably get worse as time goes on.

If you are recovering from hip replacement, and will need the other hip done, how will you be able to help your Dad if he needs help getting out of bed, if he falls, if he needs help with bathing or bathroom duty, help getting in and out of the car, walking up one step or two?

Sometimes we need tough love with our elders. If a child refuses to go to school, we don't say that is fine, they can stay at home and watch TV all day. Tell Dad he doesn't have a choice. If he still refuses and you can't get him to see the common sense, then let him go on his own, he will learn quick enough.... then hire someone to help.

Freqflyer I am currently not working, still recovering from my hip replacement and need the other hip done as well. I know I would become the 24 hours a day 7 days a week caregiver I did it for the first 3 months, now my sister has had him for 3 months and she's at the breaking point. We have been to assisted living we have been to independent living he refuses I honestly don't know what to do other than to either go with him or let him go and wait for something to happen. I agree he does need to be talked to about how he treats the children. He complains that they don't talk to him but he is mean to them or ignores them and stares at the TV all day and refuses to participate in their activities so eventually they stop trying. I feel sad that all they are going to remember is a mad smelly grandfather because we have the bathing issue too

Read all that you can here about adults that have taken their parent into their home. I advise against it. What if you die prematurely? What is the plan, then? What is your dad's plan for his own care? All of this needs to be talked about.

65? I better start having more fun.......:/

I can tell you first hand, your sister is probably going nuts. I live next door to mother in law that has vascular dementia late stages. I do not live with her but I do everything. Cook clean change her if she uses the bathroom on herself and my kids (8,5,1) are around the in laws a lot. My FIL does not have the patience to deal with her and she yells and lashes out aate for taking her to the bathroom in her own home. She fusses when we feed her if we talk to her if we don't talk to her (we don't know what she says 90% of the time). Its very stressful to me that my kids have to see this. FIL does not want her in a home or any one coming into his. If her anger keeps up I'm not sure what I will do. I don't want my kids around it because one day she will lash out at them. She does not know names and will ask for family members that have passed. My MIL is 65 and just walks around. I feel for your sister with the kids because its an added pressure on top of your dad. Hugs for you all!

Your father is an adult. He needs to be responsible for arranging and paying for his care. If you wish to assist him in arranging for his care, that's a lovingvthing to do. You are under no obligation to uproot yourself to do hands on caregiving. He's not your child.

terrygma, I can't remember if you had said in other postings in the middle of the year if you are employed.... if you are, whatever you do DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB.... otherwise you could become the full-time 24 hours a day, 7 days a week caregiver for how many years your Dad will live [he could live another 10 years], and with you having no vacation time and no sick days for yourself. You will get burnt out in no time. And your Dad could out live you if you become exhausted and sick.

If your Dad wants to go back to Arizona and live on his own then he has to take full responsibility for his choice. If you feel he will be falling, going hungry, and not taking his meds, right there is enough reason to have him go into assistant living, or go into independent living and hiring someone to overlook his care couple hours a day.

thank you everyone for listening and support. Now it turns out that dad wants to try moving back to his house in Arizona and guess who gets to go with him? Yep me because he can't really live on his own no matter what he thinks and I'm single and my kids are grown so I'm in it but I can't stand the thought of just sending him there alone and letting him fall and lay there for days and no one finding him or him not feeding himself properly or taking his medications. I know that would be the easy way out but my heart's not in that

Someone in your family needs to speak to him about the way he talks to the children. Just because he lives in the house with them, it doesn't mean he can verbally abuse them. It is where they live, too. Be brave, and pull him up on his behaviour. He might start realising he needs to behave himself. Assisted living in not the answer if he won't go, but correcting his behaviour is.

A private room at Assisted Living will be a lot more peaceful than a house full of noisy kids. Take him for a tour and the free lunch. Tell him it's not for now, but in the future when he feels it is time. He might even like it. He might even be willing to try it for a month.

terrygma, see if your Dad would be agreeable with independent living apartment, where he can be his own boss.... but he might want you and/or your sister to come over to do his laundry, do his cleaning, do his cooking like you did when he lived with you and with your sister. So he will have a learning curve to being a bachelor :)

Find him a place of his own. Move him in. I wouldn't, in the interim, move him to your house because it'll just mean double trouble - you're all of you going to have a hard enough time without going through the whole hideous exercise twice. Apart from his attitude, are there other difficulties with finding him somewhere better to live?

Sounds like assisted living time. I wouldn't try to move him somewhere that he is there by himself. Also try to get him screened for dementia.

I meant four girls and 2 boys

the children range in age from 6 years to 20 years old for girls to older boys. He was yelling at the oldest boy for not finding him a telephone which they are always losing in the house easy to do with nine people living there and he was sleeping on the couch and he thought he heard the little girls making a racket and no one else was home but the two youngest girls and my dad and he yelled at them for being noisy while he was trying to nap on the couch in front of the TV which is what he does almost everyday all day long

How old are the children and what was he yelling at them about?