Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

I don'tI don't think peace and rest for someone is ever wrong. I think we can also acknowledge that it is extremely more than okay and acceptable on every level that you need relief in your life as well. I think the common thought as a caregiver or even a loved one with somebody ill to that point, we feel like we should want them to live forever and hope for that. It's important to remember that if these elders were healthy they wouldn't need caregivers so it's only logical that we would be thinking of what happens in their future down the road. As a caregiver for both of my elderly parents while I work a full-time professional job, I can tell you that I'm many times have prayed to end their suffering and let them be at peace. Watching them struggle with pain and terminal confusion, the stress of daily life, and all of our frustration has been a huge cost to all of our lives and our family's lives. I hope it helps to know that I think all caregivers pray for some form of this whether they're willing to admit it or not.

We want our LOs to stay alive.
But what about those long progressive disease with no hope and everything is getting worse, slow and then like run away train. And co- morbidities appear and the pain and decline.
And everything is getting worse weekly, daily even.
And suffering they are going to face as there is no hope.

No. Not when you are dealing with an ungrateful, selfish, mean-spirited person that is lucky that anyone will put up with their $hit. That is my Dad. He is a wrecking ball to the family. I am learning to disengage and spell out to him what the limits of help will be.

Gracious! My mentally I’ll, alcoholic, Valium abusing mother with the same medical issues as your mother died four months ago. Honestly, I was ready for her to go; she had never been at peace a day in her life, and disrupted the peace of those around her.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a burdensome situation to end so that you may have peace. 💜

I often wonder why keep up with the life extending medications for a dementia patient...the cholesterol lowering drugs, the BP drugs, the blood thinning drugs.
Why?
I'm sorry, but it seems more merciful to die quickly of a stroke, or heart attack, than to suffer the long downward slide of dementia. I don't feel wrong for wishing for that, but medical practitioners seem determined to keep my sister alive for as long as possible. Why?

My husband is currently in long-term care after a severe stroke and there are times when I wonder what my life would be like if he passed away and I was no longer a caregiver - it will be tough when he finally comes home. But in cases like yours, I agree that you have nothing to feel guilty about: you're wishing for her peace as much as for yours.

As for hospice, it's my understanding that it's not necessarily only for the terminally ill. Check with your state agency on aging, maybe, and see what they say. God bless!

My parents just recently moved in with me. My dad ruined their finances, mom refuses to help him keeping his meds straight, I think she has dementia. My dad is a miserable mean man, but my mother is a bipolar, narcissistic mean lady. Today she was yelling how selfish I am (while I was cleaning and doing their bills). There is NOTHING I can do to make them happy. Nothing is good enough and everything is my fault. I have been in tears all day for the horrible things she has said to me today. I asked my sibling is any of them would cry at our parents funeral… none of them thought they would. I think if I was as miserable as my parents- I would get in my car and drive over a cliff. I have thought how much better life would be without them, sometimes i feel guilty, but then they say/do something to remind me
how hateful they are. I am using them as an example to myself HOW NOT to live my life. Good luck to you!!

Hey guys. I am in the same boat y’all were in. But the time is near the end of my grandpa. He was an a**hole , I keep trying to remind myself of that. I was never good enough for him. Even up to the day he went to the hospital he would complain argue etc. just stubborn as a horse. Near the end I think he did actually want to die.
my grandma and aunt were his primary caregivers and were so burnt out and annoyed with him. He’s very high maintenance. Now I and everyone else is shocked at our grief because he is laying in his death bed as we speak. We thought we’d feel better if he died, because that’s what we wanted for so long. And maybe we will after some time after his death has passed but for now we’re all feeling guilty for not treating him with more respect.
it’s kind of effed up. He was not physically there for his family for a long time (30-45 years) in the past 10 or so years he came to see us more and then finally when Covid hit he moved back to be with us because he was getting frail.

so really he emotionally neglected /physically neglected/ in some cases physically abused my aunt and mom when they were little but he still expected the whole world and more when he was getting old. We have given that to him. And strangely now I feel riddled with guilt that I wanted him to go.
at his bedside even though he’s unconscious on a ventilator idk if I should tell him my true feelings. They say the last thing to go is hearing and it would be nice to tell him how I really feel before he goes without having to argue with him.

I am so conflicted right now. It’s crazy.

im praying for everyone of you guys who were in my aunt /moms and I position a few months ago. Just wishing it would end. It’s finally here for us, we’re struggling with it.
praying for y’all

This is a link to an NPR article about this same story.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/03/08/1084912553/alzheimers-assisted-suicide-amy-bloom-in-love

Thank you all for not making me feel so alone regarding this topic. My mother insists she doesn't want to live past when she can't remember my name. I really respect her decision because Alzheimer's is such a debilitating disease. I have looked into California's Right to Die law and am appalled that this diagnosis is not included. So, I am supposed to watch my Mom mentally disappear along with her remaining money. The money is whatever, but she has repeatedly been obstinate about not wanting it spent on her care. I know some of you may criticize me for bringing up the subject matter of money, but when you can't get a Medi-Cal bed for six years in California!!!!! I imagine that finances are a big concern for many. That being said, I commented here to emphasize everyone's individual plights.

I really feel for all the people here who are being caregivers to difficult elders in their life.
No one has to do this though. No one has to pay a parent's rent so they can wreck the place.
No one has to tolerate abuse. No one has to do for a person who villifies and lies about them to whoever will listen, or who berates, belittles, or disrespects them.
No one has to put themselves into the bondage of caregiving slavery.
No one has to put their marriages and their own families in second place for a needy elder.
No one has to have their family home turned into a nursing home. Or a cluttered, hoarded mess because a needy elder likes things that way.
No one has to go broke or spend their own money on care for a needy elder.

So for everyone here, please think of this as the Caregiver's Magna Carta.
You have rights and so do your families.

This is why there are nursing and board and care homes. This is why there is Medicaid. Elders who have income and assets are supposed to use those to pay for their care.

So sorry to hear this. I sympathize. My 93 yr old mother has lived with me for 10 yrs. She is in good health. Walks with a walker, she won't exercise. Has fallen a few times and doesn't understand that if you don't use your muscles they get weak. She has some pretty good hearing aides but never hears when I speak.
Not disabled.
I work full time, and have to do everything for her. It isn't appreciated. My children blame her lack of respect/appreciation for what I do for her on her age. I think its not too much to ask for a simple please or thank you sometimes, or clean up the crumbs left on the kitchen counter. I'm beyond over this. She will not change either. I think I will go before she does if I don't get a break. Don't think it's horrible for thinking it's time for them to go. You are not alone.

Six weeks now and they *still* won't let my mother out of hospital because she won't eat or drink enough to meet their criteria for discharge. I have told them we are sure she won't do it while her mental condition is going downhill from the boredom and confusion of being stuck in a ward with nothing to look at and no one to give her personal attention, but they won't listen. I have POA but it doesn't seem to give me any legal right to have her moved, even though I have now found a local care home with a great reputation that is willing to have her.

She now says she just wants to sleep for ever. I don't like the idea of her dying in this ward when she could have one last look at the snowdrops before she goes. In fact, she may not even want to go if she gets better care.

I would talk to my pastor, as at times I'm not sure how long I can cope with this maelstrom of feelings, but he's off on a skiing trip!

Best advice is talk to your pastor, or a priest .

Admins:
Could this post be moved to discussions?
It is a much valued post with a good question that is often asked by those visiting Forum. I would love to see it survive in discussions.

My wife 80 is now confined to bed and can’t walk or even sit up for a long time. She has onset of dementia. I know she hates how she is and wants to get better but it will never happen. It is difficult to live with her this way. She was always a happy person. I can’t imagine what she thinks

I agree with you. My mum, 88 with probable NPD, deafness and dementia, who has never had a positive attitude to anything much, got flu, fell and has been in hospital for five weeks. Although recovered from the stomach infection she caught in hospital, she is now refusing to eat and drink enough for them to discharge her, and seems to be wasting away. But as she is constitutionally strong, her body is not giving in easily. Family and medical staff have tried our best to help her and encourage her to get better, but to no avail so far. I totally empathize with your wanting your mum - and all those she affects negatively - to have peace at last; my mum's quality of life was low before the fall and is now non-existent.

My feelings about the situation are so mixed up that I am suffering from stress-related headaches, muscle pain, etc. Lucky I'm already on anti-anxiety medication because of our difficult relationship, or I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up in the bed next to my mother...😒!

My moms a great gal and a terrific mom. I also think of when she goes to her reward and I get a full life all about me. If it is wrong then I am as guilty as you! P.S. My counselor says it is not them we want gone but this life we are stuck with.

It sounds as if you are exhausted, both mentally and physically, and just having a weak moment at times. It is overwhelming to witness your mother's extreme physical decline, and the frustration and anger that she is exhibiting as a result. Giving in to it at times is only normal, and you should not beat yourself up over it. There are caregiver support groups and therapists who can help you work through your feelings, and provide you some much needed relief.

You're probably right about her really being "fine".

Anyone, friend or relative, who's in very ill condition, with no hopes of recovery and only lots of pain needs to be allowed, given permission to go - if that makes any sense. No matter the circumstances and the feelings, in the end it's mostly about ending the suffering of family or others we know.
In spite of our feelings, when time is up for anyone we know or love, there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel.
I have a friend who's cat recently had to be put to sleep, and even she said the same thing - there is no point in making a living being suffer. If it's time we go we need to allow death to take place. Nothing fun or cheerful, but just has to be.

My dad ditched my sick mom and married a much younger woman. Now that young woman has to wipe him up and care for him because he is old, unwell, can't help himself at all. She calls and rages and screams at me all the time and I let her. I guess I owe her that outlet? I don't know. She's threatening to dump him somewhere. Refuses to spend the money he has left on a nursing home. I'll bet she wishes he would die but she sure did like spending his money for the high rollin' years he was mobile. Now it's clear she hates him but she has power of attorney and all control.

No I don’t think it wrong when the parent has been a difficult controlling person all of their life and is determined to go on in the same way until they die.

I figured it out

My mom is gaslighting me

Its just a feeling, not an action. Do not feel guilty

I had a stroke last year. Perversely, I didn't die. I even took a bunch of pain meds but just threw them all up. But I am being punished for the stroke, My wife, now the ex, did not help. I fix my own breakfast, go to the bathroom, and take my own showers all NO help.
Marriage is a chimera and so is love. And I am done with my rant.

No. And she will eventually. But you have to live on, and not by sacrificing it all now. Remember to provide for yourself . One day you will be old and need care so get long-term disability insurance. But live while you still can.
Ed

It is not always wishing somebody would die, it is for caregivers wishing the end of it, of caregiving in any way.
On the other hand, as with progressive deterioration with some disease, seeing too much of suffering makes us wonder.
My GF with her Mom being close to death and cancer everywhere was glad her Mom chose euthanasia.

I was put at ease reading your question as I felt I was the only one who wished a loved one to pass on. I have been married for almost 50 years and my husband is 10 years older than me. While we have had good times together the past is darkened for a decade when he was an alcoholic and put me through Hell. After hospitalization and rehab he is in recovery but we never were able to be intimate after that and he became a recluse. He didn't want to go anywhere and didn't want anyone over to our place but wanted me to always be home with him, Now, 25 years later he has dementia and he is in a nursing home. I feel cheated out of life,

I found this thread, because I've been asking myself about what to do about my relationship with my 78 year old mother. Luckily, she's very healthy and takes good care of her financial life, but when my father passed away ago about 7 years ago after a decade long battle with cancer. She kind of cheerfully looked at me and said, "Maybe Daddy should have died sooner so I could have more fun." I keep going back and forth in my brain about this, and understanding that there is a toll that comes with caregiving and she's not the brightest person, but isn't this a semi-evil statement? My Dad was literally nothing but caring and loving towards her and supported her his entire life. At another point when he was on his deathbed in the hospital and he was crying sharing stories of his life with me and my sibling, she mocked from the back of the hospital room, "Daddy, such a crybaby!" She then proceeded to list all the clubs at the retirement community she was going to join after my Dad died (this is while he's still alive in the hospital bed). She also wouldn't allow my Dad's older sister to see him before he died, even though his older sister raised him, and she said she would slap my aunt if she came to visit before my Dad died. As of right now, she just wants to have a "normal" mother daughter relationship where we can chat about superficial daily life and have fun like go shopping or something, etc. But I really feel like she's like semi-evil, so I don't really want to interact with her at all (she's said a lot of crazy destructive things to me through the years / threatened to disown me numerous times and does the whole amnesia thing when I address them with her, and instead pretends we have a perfect relationship and doesn't understand why I don't want to interact with her, but I find these comments about my father the most disturbing.) Any thoughts appreciated;

Sounds like someone that has never liked herself or her life. None of us pick when we go. What would any of us want in that nightmare of a struggle in our last days, at the mercy of others, but desire the least bit of their compassion? My Mom was a narcissist. Many of her kids would not care for her. I didn't want to but thank God I did, and blessed with patience to see it through and learn that I could love her. It was such a gift to see the beautiful innocent sweet child that surfaced when she felt loved, truly loved. I went from not liking her to absolutely adoring her. I went from resenting being around her to wanting to be the only one to care for her to make sure she got the utmost care. My other siblings that stuck it out also felt blessed. We all learned from her how to be gloomers. Now we learned how to love. Unconditionally. These blessings are unsurpassed because this was our mother. She gave birth to all of us and raised us and she deserved our care, and deep down we needed to care for her. My only regret is her last two weeks, when I could NOT be there. Because of covid, we were not allowed to visit her in the hospital. She sustained torturous mental anguish (severly dementia'ed and extremely frightened) many skin injuries and horrible bedsores due to the hospital. All of which we had been mitigating at home. In those last 2 weeks we could not speak to her, comfort her, or care for her. She was traumatized and we were not even able to say good bye. Be there while you can. She is not gone yet because it is not yet her time. You have been granted more time! Make her miserable day a little brighter. Teach her and teach yourself, how to see the good in life, how to love. Within your capacity, of course. But reach that capacity. I guarantee, you will not regret it.