My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I think if their lives very much like a train ride. Last stop, they could both get off. Next stop, only he will.
I went to see her yesterday in her care home, which is a nice one. She has been there for 10 years. She is 93. She is wheelchair bound because she is a falls risk, so they dress her in her room and wheel her out to the dayroom and she sits there until the end of the day when they wheel her back to bed. She can no longer communicate. Or at least she is unable to speak except garbled sentences whose meaning I cannot discern. She often sits and looks at me and I cannot gauge the expression or the meaning but it is not loving, it is just totally confused. I can't share my life with her. My sister died. I got divorced. Life has been so hard and I can't tell her any of this.
She is rotting. Her teeth are black and falling out despite that it seems the mobile dentist is seeing her. She smells sour and vomity. I was there at lunch with her and she sat with her plate. Moved the cutlery this way and that. Took the napkin, wrapped a piece of the food in it, moved it here, then moved it there. moved her plate. Nurse came and made her take a bite.
This is just what I come to see, week after week. I couldn't call it visiting. It is so depressing and I know she would hate it. Do I wish it would end? Yes. She will never know better and only worse. She was not a bad person and God is not punishing her with this life but my goodness it's a trial.
Hes at a plateau where he eats, sleeps and drools. But he is stable. I wish something would finally happen because I want this to be over.
He will be 97 in a few weeks and is a vegetable for the most part. But there is no end in site.
And her Mom doesn’t understand why her 72 year old daughter can not help her on and off the toilet when she visits . The woman is in SNF , barely stands up .
But she eats well .
If she's not ready for a nursing facility.. when she gets out of the hospital, let her stew in that misery on her own at home.
You can also seek a social worker for her... there is a program where they can set up someone to call the parent I believe once a month to chat with them. I have that setting up for my mom.
But you gotta back off.. because it's stressing you to the point that you're wishing for her passing.
My mom's very negative, afraid of the world, judges others & extremely combative & argumentative. It exhausts me so much, I have to get up and leave. If it starts, I'm gone! And I stop talking.
So step away!
Also, try to keep yourself from thinking this way of wishing her to pass. When you get so frustrated with her...leave, get off the phone, separate yourself from her etc., and immediately start thinking good things.. fun stuff you're going to do..or call a good friend & chat to get you out of that mood!
Also, therapy can help. I have never had or needed therapy until now. I have two. Plus I vent to my close friends. I try to handle it with certain strategies.. I shut it down & just stop.... Stop listening.. stop talking!
I wish you well!♡
I am caring for 2 LOs... only 4 yrs now. I remind myself that it is ok to feel trapped and resentful sometimes. And these two LOs are dearly beloved by me - but still not easy. Take care of yourself.
She isn't the only one I've run across in this age range. My suggestion is to get homecare or respite care to take care of them and caretakers take a break!
I understand . I had a lifelong narcissist for a mother . I think you should go ahead and call the ambulance next time he falls . Hospice won’t be much help for the daily hands on care . They only come a few times a week for a few hours . None of you want to get hurt picking him up . He falls in your house , it’s your say to call an ambulance , not your sister in law’s. He needs 24/7 care in a facility .
In case the ambulance does not take him , start looking for a nursing home . Tell the old guy , this can not be handled at home anymore . I hope he can do without the booze .
Maybe 88 is the very common age .
Between my husband and I , three of our parents died at 88 and one at 89.
He has advanced cancer (no longer treating), early Parkinson's and dementia which is getting worse. He fell three times yesterday. My SIL brought a walker up when they came to get him up (I was at work). He hardly uses it. He does everything to sabotage himself, I guess because he knows someone will pick his stupid ass up. He has always been a drinker and has vodka and beer in the evening and, when he is confused about what time it is (like this morning), in the morning.
So, we have been praying for him to die. I have never wanted someone to die before in my life, but here we are. My wife is the same and is actually more vocal about it than I am. So, no...it is NOT wrong to wish someone to die. Either to ease their suffering or to ease our own.
I should add that, since he is not bed ridden, he will likely still be up and down and falling, even in hospice. Her sister objected when I mentioned calling an ambulance after the third fall saying that if there's nothing wrong with him, they would have to pay out of pocket. I spoke with my wife last night and I think we will do just that if he falls again before hospice comes. And then just tell the hospital to make arrangements for him to go to a facility because we can no longer take care of him. The sister won't because she works from home. She was SUPPOSED to be the one to have him, but he drove her bat shit crazy within 2 hours and would not let her alone while she was working. That's how we got him 5 days a week.
I am angry and bitter and am not thinking fondly of my mother because she dumped this on us because they did not trust their kids.
My mother died last year and I’m in year three of dealing with my father’s Medicaid for his nursing home stay. I hate them this. I wish my father was gone already so can feel some relief.
It is pretty awful to say this but that is his how I feel. I have to do this and worry about all this for someone who is not there anymore and is just existing.
They didn’t have this stress with their parents and I resent them for their lack of foresight.
As I watch my MIL disappear from dementia, I find myself wanting that same freedom for her and for my husband and I.