Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

12 year old post

I don’t think it is wrong to want the situation to end for both of you! Sadly someone would have to die. Facilities take some pressure off but they have their own set of issues. Monitored care has to be monitored by family. I will say most people do not want to hear us say out loud we want our loved one to die! Best unsaid. In this world we want everyone to live forever…a goal that can not be achieved.. Lots of us will outlive our brain…so so sad!

If she needs more help than yu can offer or provide, you can tell the hospital and her returning to your home is not an option and the hospital can look for a NH for her....it's ok to say...given her medical needs and the needs of myself and my family, i can no longer do both with the degree of care and attention both need, so unfortunately I need to focus on my family and my own health. This persons health can be managed at a nh and you can always visit and be family not a nurse or cna or homemaker for her

I know how you feel! Only you can feel the pain caused by this person! The hatred you get from them makes you feel like an unappreciated person! I am sure that my husband will outlast me because his body is much better than mine! I have taken years of he is such a nice person! The whole time he was rotten to the core and I knew it but my self esteem was suppressed by outside opinions! I wasted my life with him! 55 years later I am pretty much home bound due to physical and financial reasons! I will say that I do hate him and I have every right to! He used me financially, physically, and emotionally! He lied about everything and will die without ever telling the truth! My truth is that no one cares about me and never will! The person that you counted on to be there will never be! We are on our own! Speak up! Tell them the truth, because they really don't care anyhow! Don't keep it inside you because it will only make you sick!

Have you considered Hospice? Anyone can self refer to different hospice agencies. It is a daily benefit under medicare or insurance including a nurse and social worker who can help navigate the system. This does not sound easy but things like falls would get addressed by hospice not in an ER or hospital.

I’m not sure of what faith you have or believe in but it sounds like Prayer may be a help to you! Everyone says write your feelings down but I’m not consistent in that. I’m caring for my mom in law of 43 years who is wanting to go to Heaven. She’s been very kind in her life always helping and positive! She is 86 and last couple of years health has declined. She’s got severe arthritis and has had to have a pacemaker and watchman installed. She has also suffered 2 brain bleeds that she overcame and went on to have a few good years !! She had a hard life growing up but has never complained only Prayed when heaviness was upon her! She asked last week why won’t God bring me home does he not want me? My response was that your mission in life has not ended. Currently she is now just being kept comfortable by hospice in a facility. We have friends family in and out but she does not know any of us just responds by mumbling. We honor her wishes by praying for her to be at peace and to be lead HOME to HEAVEN to her next chapter in life. She is the last sibling of 6 children. With your mom it’s been much harder for you and you just need to be ok to not be ok some days!! If you get down it will help no one!! Take care of yourself pray, take walks just anything that helps you. You did not cause her illness but you are suffering thru it. You sound as if you have done your part so now seek out friends maybe someone you can talk to but you need to not suffer for her making herself miserable. Tell her that you love her and would like to hear her happy memories of her life and you love and care for her but do not become a slave to her and her dependence on you! Set simple ground rules that are kind to her but relieve you! I’m no counselor just a wife mom and daughter so I hope this helps!!! Life is hard but it’s also what we make of it so be kind to yourself!! Find what maybe you have in common a funny movie and popcorn or coffee and puzzle but set ground rules and tell her you feel for her but cannot and will not go on with her attitude! I think if you quit letting her lead you and you take over the reins and tell her what you plan you have and when you are doing it Follow thru with a little self love it will help! Sounds like she has brought you into a depression and anxiety by trying to make you and others sympathetic towards her. Sounds to me as if a little tough love along with strong love and determination may help you both!! Tell her that unless she can find one good thing a day to say that you will not listen to her complain all day! Tell her I love you and enough is enough! Mom today you will find something good to say or to really laugh about and if she does not listen write her a letter and tell her your thoughts. I will PRAY for you and hope you can have a mom that can just appreciate you for you because it sounds like you care greatly!! Please don’t be like her.Say today I start loving and living and tell her hop on the train or get left at the station! I’m sorry so long a response but I hope it helps and I Pray God let’s you be at peace and happy for yourself today. Take baby steps and breathe deep!! Good luck I hope we hear back good news from you!!

My Mother is a Narcissist. She is 86 and its only me now alive to help her, I am 65 and raising grandchildren. She has always been hateful, etc. and has no friends. Multiple health issues and now is accusing me of things that arent true. (dementia) I feel like I will only truly be "free" until she dies. I pray for her to leave this earth. I dont feel guilty about all.

My father took care of my mom with Parkinson's when he was in his 60s and early 70s. When she died he said he was relieved. He remarried and had a very good 2nd marriage. Now I'm responsible for him with his dementia. He is 99. Fortunately, he managed his money so he can be in memory care. I can have a life. But I will be relieved for him and me when he passes. Yes, he's safe and clean, but he's not really "there" anymore.

I feel that way sometimes, and my mom is not anywhere near as bad as yours

My mother also is in late state COPD, has schizophrenia, dementia, blood clots in both her lungs and has an ileostomy bag. All this plus she just lost my dad last year. She has never learned how to make herself happy, choosing instead to rely on others to make her feel secure. Every time I ask her how she is lately she says "terrible."

I have been praying for her to pass for months now. I get it. And it's normal. It doesn't make you a bad person. It means you care about her happiness and don't see any other way for her to be happy.

She's on her own journey. Perhaps she still has things to learn and going through this painful experience will bring her some understanding and peace at the very end. You will too.

I'll share a quick story that might help.

My mom hasn't cried in 20 years. Not even when my dad died. She wished she could but because of her medications, and her adeptness at denial, she just couldn't shed a tear. Then last week, after we moved her to a new care facility and she realized she was there for good, she SOBBED. And sobbed. And sobbed. I have never seen her cry like that in my entire life. Something finally broke free and she was able to comprehend her situation and her loss. It was so painful to watch, but it was a necessary part of her journey. I wouldn't be surprised if she passes away soon. It felt that significant.

Be patient. Trust the process. And most importantly, take care of yourself. By witnessing her pain you are learning how important it is for you to focus on your own happiness.

With her health problems if your not certified in how to take care of her mentally and physically then yes you will be living in hell it's like nothing you do is right but everything you try is wrong . With all those medical problems is she on Medicaid if so they will take her in a nursing home where she will get the 24/7 care she will listen to . When a families son or daughter tries to take care of them they will refuse anything because they are your boss not the other way around and mentally it drives them crazy that they raised you and now you basically are taking care of her like a baby because she does nothing . Try getting her on medicaid or in her condition hospice people say hospice is for the ones on there dealth bed but wrong they are not my Aunt has had hospice for two yrs and they are wonderful two times a week for a nurse and and nurses aid will come in three times a week to bathe clean her bed and bathe her in the shower if she can it really helps the family because now someone professional is helping and that can make your mind alot better

I have recently discovered that as the caregiver/go-to-person you could well be suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Disorder (CPTSD). It causes unbearable stress if you have no hope to get away from such a stressful situation.
In the end it is your subconscious that is trying to find a way for you to survive emotionally. And unless you survive emotionally, you become sick physically.
So instead of perhaps starting to think that you are such a terrible person, I would love to recommend watching Tim Fletcher on You Tube.
It is the most helpful thing and a life saver to get you to understand where you yourself are, and why.

No it's not wrong. and unless you believe in god, he has nothing to do with it.

I can truly relate. I just keep asking God to give all of us in the situation peace.

no, you can pray that the Lird takes them to heaven . no one likes to see anyone suffer. it’s a normal thought to have. i have it everyday for my loved one cause they were a good person but to see old age rob them of quality of life is one of the hardest things. my girlfriend at 28 who passed of cancer sane thoughts. it’s normal!

I just want to ad. My step-mother was the bane of my existence for over 40 years. She was dx'd with pancreatic cancer and I knew it wouldn't be long before I was finally free. When she passed I balled my eyes out. Not because I was sad. Because I was relieved. It was finally over. It's funny because as I read the original post, I never even thought about her. She never came to mind until after I made my first comment.

I have posted on this thread in the past. My mother was suffering from CHF. She passed last Thursday. She was in a NH which she hated. For a long time I hoped she would just go because there was nothing left really to live for. She was very unhappy and very mean because she no longer had control over her decisions.

I still feel sad that she lingered so long that we had no choice but to place her. Wished my father did not insist that she have that pacemaker implanted two years ago. She and her family were all miserable because of it.

I am not sure if I am grieving but little things tug at me me like when I opened her purse and found all her hearing aid batteries. I will miss her and am trying to remember the good times and not the awful ones and am trying to block the past five years from my memory bank.

I say the answer is no. My mom has not been like yours, but she has always been a "downer" type person. But, just in the last two weeks since my prediction that she would end up in a NH came true and she's been so difficult. So, so difficult, for even experienced to staff to deal with, I have hoped, for HER sake, that she does not take even a year for her end to come. None of us can continue to live like we are currently.

Why is everyone responding to a post from 2012? Mom has probably passed

My husband has moved his mother into our house, (I owned the house before we got married), she is a paranoid schizophrenic and she stays up all night with her TV and radio on not to mention her light and thr bathroom light all night long. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep since she moved in, she will slam the cabinet doors when ahe cant find what shes looking for (which is right in front of her) she's VERY demanding and will confront me at 10:30 pm on Saturday about going to the bank which I tried ALL day Friday to take her to yet she refused to go to. Now he says he wants a divorce because he can't live like this, he quit his job to take care of her and I pay all the bills plus he wants me to do all the housework as well which I think is unfair. He says if I make her move out with him I'm cold hearted but she's not my mom, I don't think I should have to care for her if he chooses to move out.

I think my mother is declining from end stage CHF. She has lost a lot of muscle mass and has anxiety. She was hallucinating in bed at the NH and slid to the floor prompting a battery of X-rays.

I spoke to a nurse a few days ago about her current condition. I told her she was declining and somehow or another I ended up with an appointment with a dietician, I guess because she wanted to think she did something.

I told the dietician that she’s not eating and lost a lot of weight. I said I didn’t think there was much to be done about the diet of a 96 year old in decline. She looked at me as if I had two heads. In my humble opinion no diet modification is going to make a damn bit of difference anymore. But at least I was able to change her breakfast cereal from Cheerios to corn flakes, maybe that will fix it all.

I am so tired of this slow motion decline and wish my mother was finally out of her misery. It is horrible to watch this.

I get it. I can relate. Then we feel guilty for thinking that. It’s tough. Hang in there so you won’t have any guilty feelings when she’s gone. You must have some bond with her or you wouldn’t be taking care of her. I would never care for my mom because she’s a horrible person but I care for my father in law. He lives with us and sounds like your mother but I’m caring for him and somedays I think he would be better off in peace instead of such misery.

I feel the same way. I've been Mom's caregiver for the last 5 yrs. She is 94 yrs old with dementia, diabetes, TAVR valve, etc. etc. This woman even survived Covid. I think she's afraid of dying because she will have to face 3 husbands who died before her. Without going into detail, she was not exactly June Cleaver. Some people shouldn't have kids. Too bad they didn't have birth control in the 1950s. Now I'm stuck and she is getting worse. I have a lady that helps Mon thru Fri to get her out of bed, bathed, dressed and parked in her recliner in front of the TV. but I'm stuck here 24/7. I don't mind cooking and cleaning. But I'm not a nurse. Don't want to be a nurse. All I do is help her out of recliner into wheelchair and roll her to the toilet every couple of hours. And I absolutely hate the smells of poo and pee. This is torture. I didn't have kids, because I didn't want to change diapers and now that's all I do all day. I'm exhausted, depressed and losing my mind. I hate being a caregiver.

When mom had her heart attack, on day one, I dropped everything and drove up to be with dad. On the drive there, I called my friends to have them pray for her.
For five days, I would load up dads wheelchair and we'd take the drive to the hospital. 
Mom was in a medically induced coma, and dad would get so upset seeing her that way. So I'd ask if he wanted to stay, and in tears, he'd say, "No, I can't see her like this." we really didn't think she would die. So we'd leave and repeat the process the next day.
On day five, they started the process of waking her up, and that morning, the nurse told me she was doing good. Great news, So, I lined up a cab company to take dad to visit her because I needed to get back home and back to work set things back in order and I'd come back soon to visit with her.
I had only about two hours left in my drive home when the nurse called and said mom crashed, and they were trying to get her back (not her words, honestly I can't remember exactly what she said)Then I got another call, the doctor asked me if I wanted them to continue and I said no.... I'm in tears remembering this.. I've only told my daughter and a few friends, I felt like I killed her.
I called my friends again and said, "Please pray that God will take mom if she's going to be in a vegetative state." The docor called me back within minutes, God took her home.
The guilt I felt at being so selfish, putting my work and family before my mom lasted weeks. Everyone can tell you no you also have a life to live, doesn't help in the moment. But they are right.

if you are a terrible person, than so a I. I have lost count of the times I have sat and tearfully prayed for dad to go peacefully in his sleep. I don’t want him to die, I want the miserable existence that has become his life, to end. I want to still be able to remember the memories of him as a healthy man, as a not so perfect but still my daddy, dad, to still exist before they are completely erased & replaced with the negative, horrible & hateful ones he has burned into mine & my families brains over the past 4 years. I want his depression and frustration to die. I want his anger & outburst to stop.

I don’t want to die, I just want him to be at peace so that he isn’t suffering anymore

My mom is almost 89. Her husband has been gone for 5 years. Her brain is starting to fail her. She is so ready to be done and I completely get this. A friend said, " you know how there are prayer circles to pray for someone's recovery? There should be prayer circles called, Lord Take Them Now." I pray for my mom to leave this world. It's what she wants.

in general, not wrong, I will support you

I agree with you. My mother stays in bed and only gets up to eat and go to the bathroom (which of course I have to clean up afterwards). She's now having accidents in public and I carry gloves, trash bags, wipes, diapers and two sets of clothes to change her. She has no life, which means I have no life. She has outlived all of her friends, has outlived all of her siblings, has turned extended family away and I have to bribe her with food to get her out the door. She also has myasthenia gravis; I describe it as she is committing slow suicide. Friends keep telling me I'm going to miss her. That may be, but I will have my life back and will finally be free of the albatross around my neck.

My husband and I prepaid our cremation expenses 25 years ago, but I may look into the parting stones thing. I agree--much easier to toss a stone into the ocean or nearby waterway. Totally eliminates "blowback".

OMG, indeed, about obesity and the too-small crematorium doors. Prompts me to think of a variation to the old schoolyard rhyme: "Person, person 2 x 4--can't fit through that final door!" Gallows humor!?

My mother has been a wonderful mother, and yet I pray daily that she will die peacefully in her sleep before she reaches the later stages of dementia. I do feel guilty about it, yet I would pray the same thing for myself and would want others to pray for me if I were in her situation.