Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

Hugs to everyone who is suffering on this journey. No judgment from me at all! Honor your feelings. Grieve for what you don’t have. Mourn the loss of something that perhaps you have never had with your family members.

I will keep all of you in my thoughts. I truly feel your pain. I was a caregiver for my parents and my mother lived in my home for 14 years. There were many days that I thought that it would never end.

Caregiving is the toughest job in the world.

No. Not when they are miserable shells of themselves .

Some people wish people would die because they want the misery to end for their loved one. Plus, they can’t bear anymore themselves as caregivers. It’s not at all the same as being a murderer!

“I would argue that yes, it is wrong to wish death upon another human being, particularly your own parents. That said, it is free speech/ free thought and therefore, you are entitled to those thoughts/feelings. Having said that, I can only hope and pray that much of the anti mom and dad commenters posting here never get a red cent from the parents they clearly hated so damn much! But something tells me that this wont be the case, sadly.”

It’s clear you didn’t have abusive parents. That’s good.

We should all have been that lucky. Some forum members had extremely abusive elderly parents their whole lives. So abusive that you even wish them to die.

It’s also clear that no one in your life has ever treated you SO badly, that it crossed your mind you wish they would die.

Sometimes it’s not possible to understand, unless you lived the abuse yourself.

Hothouse,

There aren’t enough words to describe what you are going through. I feel your pain.

It does seem like it will never end while we are going through our stint in caregiving.

I look back on my time in caregiving and wonder how I got through it without totally losing my freaking mind.

Sending many hugs your way today.

No it is not wrong. I pray for it to happen every night. I cannot handle the stress and anxiety of what is going to happen when my mother runs out of money and we cannot afford her caregivers and worrying if my father will ever get his Medicaid approved in the nursing home where he's being living for the past six months, and what the next home repair fiasco is going to be in their house.

I am waiting for something to finally happen and it never does. I really can't take it anymore.

It is only wrong imo when they are still able to enjoy life. Our family hopes my mother passes before she becomes a shell of her former self.

There’s a book called “Being Mortal”
Im suppose to read it but haven’t got it on Audible which is the only way I’m ever able to read anything more than golden nuggets messages on these forums. I wish we knew how to age gracefully . Even the most disturbed of us when we get to that point of no return. It might be in those pages.

I read about someone looking forward to receiving the “call”. In other words, being informed of the death. I never before looked forward to it.

My mom is so abusive. I have bare minimum contact.

I wish her to die, because she’s so cruel.

I am in this position. When my 10 years mutually estranged mother showed up at my door last October my world and freedom collapsed. She’s meaner than ever, lies a lot, accepts NO responsibility for any of the horrible things she’s done. As I plow through the process of getting her 4 level neck fusion done and her recovered (as much as she can since she still smokes)I live in fear of the point I’m told “she can’t live alone anyone.” Because getting her in a facility will be hell. We’ll have to do a little bit of Medicaid spend down. There was all sorts of drama when she had hospital delerium with her recent surgery, and we’d tried to get her to skilled nursing. Her insurance ended up refusing, but she also screamed at everyone she was going home. Told the dr I’m a “b*tch” for trying to send her to rehab.
How someone who has smoked 60 years, has PVCs, blood pressure all over the place, and wheezes when she breathes can survive a 6 hour surgery is beyond me.
Meanwhile, my own dr is telling me I need counseling and possibly meds to deal with my stress before it affects my health conditions.
My default is to do the right thing, to follow up on all her medical needs. But man, I really can’t do this another 10 years.

My mom is so verbally abusive, I sometimes wish she would die.

I’ve taken such good care of her, that I’ve prolonged the life of my abuser. I’ve prolonged the number of years I’ve been abused. It’s like extending the life of your torturer.

Today I was in a very cheerful mood. Something good happened to me today.

I then spoke to the caregiver on Zoom video about some changes we need to make, but unfortunately my mom could see me too. My mom could see me smiling from ear to ear. So of course, she increased her insults x 1,000.

I was no longer smiling from ear to ear.

My husband had a massive stroke that left him uncommunicative, unable to open his eyes and unable to use his arms and legs. He has to be fed. His quality of life is nonexistent. The nursing facility tells me he could survive over a year in his present state. I dearly love him but I want him to pass for his own peace. I do not feel guilty about feeling this way. He is no longer the man he was and he would hate knowing what he has become.

These posts ARE raw pain---and we post b/c we feel awful about having these 'hateful thoughts' about someone that we feel we 'should' love--but cannot.

I know somewhere way down towards the first post I added my 2 cents worth. My MIL is in Hospice care but is flourishing, she could probably graduate out of Hospice Care. Imminent death has passed and she really is OK. The kids are still doing 24/7 shifts rotating through the weeks. DH states that this is the way it will be until she dies. It could be a year, even.

We're heading into month 6 of 24/7 care from her 3 kids. My DH is the middle 'kid'. Everything he does or doesn't do is tainted by her overarching needs.

I have no idea how she got these 3 intelligent people to crawl and squirm for her. It's long since passed 'annoying' and has become "INSANE". No other words for it.

I pray daily that she can die, not in pain and agony, just GO.

Our lives are entwined with hers. I get advice to ignore her, ignore the situation, ignore my DH and his craziness over his mom--but it's affecting me seriously.

I'm BACK into therapy. Taking MORE beta blockers and am looking down the barrel of another cardiac ablation b/c my SVT is back---I think I might die before she does.

EVERYTHING is about her. Making her happy, keeping her comfortable. Making sure she has everything she wants and needs.

She's beyond thrillled b/c she has her 'kids' back home and it's just the way she wants it.

These posts are raw pain

Heartbreaking

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) to all of you

and myself as well.

being ignored and invalidated and abused and then expecting the person you did that to to take care of you?

and we do it anyway.

Why? idk

Hello BeeSuz, my new and only sister,
and Hot, we are now part of the club of daughters who have mom’s with better health than us because of us. Let’s laugh for half a minute about the irony. I hope you a good day.

I can identify. My mom is the sweetest. But, I'm so tired. Of it all.
I get it. You are not alone.
Peace to you.

From the internet: “I used to wish my mother would die and that they would bury her on another planet. That is how much I hated her.”

I just want her to die asap and I'm saying it out loud.

Hothouse, gosh!!

I have a friend who was busy with work, she couldn’t take care of her parents very much. The mom was mean, the dad was nice. They lived at home alone. She lived nearby. Suddenly it all happened fast, her parents died within a year. She regretted she didn’t help more.

Now I’m thinking, how lucky her mean mom died fast. My friend is free from any abuse. She also stopped having nightmares. Turns out it was all connected to her mean mom. And she started living with joy.

Someone on the internet wrote this: “I'm glad my mother is dead. This is the only place I can say that and have people understand.
She is gone, and will never again hurt me or anyone I love, and the world has become a kinder place. She did not get better as she got older, but was less able to keep the mask in place, so more and more people saw the abyss of nastiness within her.”

Someone else wrote: “I'm with you. My narc parents are dead now. I was absolutely not sorry to see them go and felt a great weight lifting. My narc older sister is still alive but she's doing her best to kill herself by not taking care of herself, so maybe I'll get rid of her too, soon. I absolutely understand. After a certain point of hideous brutality and destruction of body and soul, after betrayals so horrible you want to kill yourself over them...folks, some people need to be dead. I was related to three of them. Now there's just one, and that's a definite improvement.”

Someone else: “You wouldn't want this if she didn't deserve it.”

Never said, written, thought this before: I wish her to be dead.

Haven’t been here for a while, and I want to confess. For the first time ever, today I thought of…what if I help my Mom die faster…

I would never do it. But it’s the first time ever I had that thought. She’s just so mean.

My crazy Mom. My mean Mom. How nice my life would be without her in my life. I mean really, really without her. No flying monkeys, no abuse…

It would be heaven. I think I’d start smiling again. I would breathe better. I would celebrate finally being free from abuse.

I love my mother, the mother I remember but I am so tired of her dementia, tired of her targeting me, tired of my life revolving around her needs. I am tired of 4 years of constant problem solving, hunting for lost items and nurses and doctors to monitor. Yes I wish and pray for this situation to end. It is not wanting her to die but this situation to die. She has lived a long life most of it depressive..her quality of life is low most days. As a friend says…she has outlived her brain at 90. Do not be hard on yourself.

I know this sounds crazy and yes, I think I have been driven crazy. Caring for my self serving self absorbed father for almost three years now. As I mentioned before in a previous post, we now have no funds to place him into care. I’m the only one of his children who doesn’t give a …. about his money. I’d actually be quite happy if he was stone broke. But he’s not or rather he used to have enough to put him into care. I don’t know how much he has now and I don’t care. I’m just sick and tired of him and his sanctimonious hypocritical existence. I’m sure God is keeping him alive just to punish my husband and me. I know this sounds horrible but I can’t feel any love for him or compassion at all. He made our lives Hell as kids and he just keeps living. He’s made me into a selfish angry miserable person. The fact that he’s no longer violent or abusive now means very little as it’s only dementia that has changed him. I have too many hurtful memories that have been rearing their ugly head more and more lately. I know I should be talking to someone professionally about this but it won’t change a thing. People like my father go on living forever.

It’s very,very,very difficult dealing with an extremely toxic,negative elderly parent. I do feel your pain and have even prayed to God for my dad to finally die and all this to be over so I and him can finally get some peace. My advice is put your mum in a care home so someone else is looking after her. Tell the doctors you can no longer take care of her. Get someone from social services down and tell them to sort her out a care home as you can no longer cope and she is a danger to herself. Put yourself first. These toxic people are like emotional sponges and looking after them eats away at your own health and happiness. I’ve done my duty and honored my parent as a daughter, lost years of my life looking after them.

You've answered your own question:

"I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well."

You feel what you feel.

Feelings in families develop throughout a lifetime.
Not just now, when a mother is at the end of her life.

You are wounded.

If you want peace within yourself, you have to learn to let a part of YOU inside YOU to support YOU as a healthy mother would have. We all have many parts inside. One part is our own understanding of a compassionate healing mother.

We change how we feel when we honor our feelings. This is when they transform / 'process' through them.

"Wishing' you mom well through compassion for how she was / is - will serve you - for the rest of your life. You do not have to hold on to resentment and anger. Learn to process through it - to let it go. It is the process of learning how to love yourself.

Gena / Touch Matters

My parents are alive but not living. There is no quality of life anymore. The joy for living is gone, there is nothing to look forward to. For me there is nothing to hope for anymore for them but peaceful deaths.

I have to be honest. FIL is miserable , he’s making us miserable , I don’t see the point of him living . He’s stressed out DH . FIL almost in respiratory arrest twice in the last 3 months . DNR. The last time was just dumb luck that the nurse went in his room when she did. Makes you wonder why .

is it wrong to hope someone lives? abortion, assisted suicide, addiction, the world we live in embraces death bc the "other world" creates kings in every religion and spiritual practice we are taugtto embrace spirit and maybe you are defining thst for yourself. (self-conscious is not the same as having a conscience, only you know what you are aware of and what is right) natureanimals energies are a good start.

My mother was never a happy person either. She was abusive when growing up, downright cruel a lot and played favorites with us kids . I was not one of her favorites unfortunately. Her personality passed onto two of my sisters. They are younger versions of her. I didn’t see her the last few years of her life and haven’t seen my siblings for over 23 years with no regrets. It was stay in contact or lose my sanity. I chose my sanity with zero regrets. My only regret is not having a mother I deserved . Nothing I offered her was ever enough. She would always say she had to speak to my older sister and constantly bring up my brother’s who sexually abused me through out my childhood. She believed me about the abuse z, but then was angry when I refused to give her details of all that happened basically give her blow by blow descriptions which I refused. I was in therapy and told her it was not advices she then mocked my therapist or me for going. In her and my sister’s opinion I should have been sting enough to say no to a brother older and bigger that I was expected to listen to at all times and strong enough to fight back anything and everything done to me . When I said then I should have fought back when you beat me and pulled me around by my hair she hung up crying. She resorted to crying when she was losing anything, I then sent her a letter soI wanted no more contact as I needed peace from everyone until I was ready. I called her 6 years later when my husband was in a coma after a severe coronary and almost died. She called him my husband the entire time never his name which is close to hers and admonished him for smoking ( like we didn’t know this already) she was of no help or sympathy only talked about when my father had his heart attacks never as serious. I hung up on her and never heard anything until an hr before her funeral when a letter arrived in the mail from my sister telling me she had died. We lived 3 hours away so could not make her funeral even had I chosen to go z( I would not have) but I sthave no clue how or why she died. My sister claimed she didn’t know my number which was on my mothers phone. Just more games and lies . So yes I understand your situation all too well and it sucks we didn’t have mothers we deserved as all children deserve to have loving kinds mothers’s. You are not alone so don’t feel guilty. You are actually wishing the best for your mother, not something bad at all. Your wishing for peace for her , that’s kindness, nothing to be ashamed of , but to be proud of . I commend you actually! Give your self a break and ease up on yourself I wasn’t as nice in my wishes with mine. So easy on yourself and give yourself a break so you can relax. You have nothing to feel guilty over. I on the other hand do yet understand why I thought the things I did. Your a better person than I was so please relax and be at peace with yourself!