Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

(((((Jennifers))))) those are totally normal reactions. Both thinking "when is it going to be over" and feeling guilty are pretty common. and both are OK, We don't know that because people don't talk about such things except in forums like this, in or counselling. etc. Caregiving is a very hard job and takes over your life. I hope you have some help with the caregiving and time to do some things for you. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

the question has crossed our minds at one point or another. most of us do not want to admit it.

I love my husband more than anyone in the world but I can't stand him going through the hell he is going though. He cries every day because he can not remember his friends names or can not communicate with anyone. It is heart benching and the worst thing a couple could ever go through. Honestly, I wish one of us would die and when I say that...it would be so hard on him if I died because he loves me so much and it would be devisating for him with his dementia and, honestly, I think it would be better if he died first. That is not going to happen though because he is a triathlete and has done the ironman 3 times and been so healthy the past 25 years, and in excellent health; except for his mind. I, on the other hand, coming from a tumultuous childhood and prone to self destructive behavior all my life, and only alive today, for him, , will go before him. You do not know the guilt I go through because I am so weak and do not take care of myself for him. I feel like such a failure. He has taken care of me all my life, and now, when he needs me, I am useless. The depression is overwhelming. I hate myself

I am just going through a major depression right now....I know I need to take some kind of antidepressant but hate the way I feel on them. Hopefully, I will get over myself

I have a dear friend who has dementia, if i had my way she would die tonight. I know she is not happy. What is the point of living if all good qualities are gone.

Ok, my post above is exactly why you should not drink wine late at night when you are at your lowest and post things on the internet. Does anyone know how to delete a posting on here???

Photoartc, thank you for your honesty, you've done nothing wrong or to be ashamed of you're just as human as the rest of us. God love ya, I have depression too. You're dealing with so much, it's obvious the love you both have for each other. It's only normal really it is, shows compassion for those who suffer with this horrible disease of dementia to want he suffering to end. I came from the same childhood you did very difficult now I'm left doing the best job I can to care for both parents it's a nightmare however I choose to see it today at least as character building. Your situation is a different intimate being this is your beloved who you watch suffer, I can't imagine what you must be going through. Post here who cares what others think it's not like you're going to see them at the grocery. You need an outlet to grieve! God Bless you on your journey!

Agree internet + booze = explosive combination - but also totally agree with Zoolife. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who sometimes thinks sod it I'll have a glass of wine and then finds that things don't look so much better for it after all…

Also, comfort yourself by thinking of all those people in parallel circumstances who instead of posting have emailed their lover/boss/best friend and hit "reply all" by mistake...

Thank you guys for the support.....I still wished I had not posted this. Sometimes, the depression and wine is a terrible combination. Just reading your posts is making me weepy and I don't like to do that in front of my husband because it makes him cry.

Thank you

I hope god takes my parents based on their wishes for a quality of life, to live independently and not live in a nursng home. They would prefer to die in their sleep, in their own home and without suffering. That is my hope for them as it is their hope for themselves.

No its not wrong. I think with modern medicine elderly people live too long when they are so unhappy and ask all the time "why am I still here?" or "I'm ready to go." My Mom is miserable since my Father died 6 years ago.

I totally sympathize with all of your emotions and feelings about the suffering of your ill parent. It is, I know from experience, much tougher than raising a child. I will admit that their "death brings light at the end of the tunnel" for you. Nothing can be more enslaving than caring for someone who is obliviouse to your suffering and is cruel to get your attention every moment, because of their suffering.

I have experienced your emotions, anger, and depression at the parents as well as at God for allowing such misery. Frankly, I think it hurts you more when you go through this as an adult than if you do as a child because you are more aware of the plight.

I have already been with what many of you are going through with your parents. Mine have now been diseased since the 1970's. I was a child caregiver with no support whatsoever financially, physically, mentally emotionally. Surprisingly, I made some pretty awesome decisions in helping my parents at home when I was of school age from elementary to highschool. I dare say I was pretty resililent. Depression and anger didn't set in until they were gone. The memories if their herendous suffering hurt me more than the responsibility. But, eventually I did overcome that, too.

Yes, you will need psychological help afterwards as well as for now.

wow, i am identifying with you all... i have my 94 yr old father living with me. serious dementia, totally self centered and badgering constantly. he is incontinent, blind from macular degeneration, cant walk. quite a miserable situation. his internal organs are just fine. no medications. he had an optional bipass surgery at age 84. doctors said he didn't need it but he insisted! now i am afraid he will live forever in this freak like state. to top it off, i really don't like this man at all. he has been a self centered control freak all my life. i wish daily that his life would end soon. i lost my life, and i am only 55. my gentleman friend has not dumped me (and i think most men would run) so that is my only positive. no one wants to change their father's diaper especially a miserable unlikeable one... my biggest struggle is spiritual. i know it is wrong to wish someone to die. i am truly becoming miserable myself

Hi Superdaughter,
You are only human and doing far more than most people could or would. Modern medicine is wonderful if it keeps people alive when they are healthy, but sometimes it interferes with what would have been a peaceful natural death. In this case that may be what happened.

Please don't beat yourself up for your feelings. I don't know what your spiritual background is, but you really are allowed human feelings and that includes your feelings about your father. Guilt isn't necessary.
We are thinking of you,
Carol

I think it is terrible that children have to care for their parents. There must be some assisted living where this poor woman could take her father.

still one of the hardest questions to give an answer to. when my husband was alive i know God truly was giving me everything i needed to keep going. i couldn't have made it without Him. and He still continues to pour out His grace to want to keep going, which by the way is getting a little better each day.
As far as it being wrong to wish someone would die, or as I believe, have a change of address, I don't think so. I knew and still know my husband now is in a wonderful place with our Lord Jesus. If I was unsure of that fact, it would be much different for me. Just know that when it is time for them to go, they will. In the mean time please try not to beat yourself up and feel guilty. God is not mad at you nor has He abandoned you. Just draw off His strength, and try to get some time for yourself. I made many many phone calls and accepted just about anybody's offer that I knew would be ok. And when you are there with him, grab every little positive nugget you can find. It might just be a smile or a laugh they show or do. What ever it might be, just hang on to those moments. You have to try to find those special moments. I really started reading my bible alot more. I don't know your faith, but if you've never picked one up before, now would be a great time to get to know Jesus. It will make a difference as you go through this time. I will be praying for you and know many more are doing the same i am sure. this is a wonderful site, and even though i don't jump in as much as i use to, it truly was a blessing while i was taking care of my darling husband before he got relocated. God Bless you johndublin

grieved the loss of the mother I needed, and never had


Wow! those are the words I could not find... I knew I'd been grieving but couldn't put words to it...

Thx!

I was asking God again today why, my father is like a caged animal in a nursing home trying to get both parents in assisted living. They are driving each other nuts, they have dementia, but in the same room together. JohnDublin so right we are living longer not better. I believe they want to die on any given day. Both having dementia living inside that tortured mind locked facility fed, diaper changes, fits of rage, confusion. Yes I pray for their peace to come, they are not happy they live in misery it's hard to see and hear. I've ask "God" why, have we gone to far as the medical community keeps us alive longer to live like this, they are 86 and 88. Dementia is the most horrific disease I know of, after your mind tortures you, as well as family members anyone who has to come in contact with. The disease it causes more conflict hurt feelings, destroys relationships, there are court battles when the stuffer is like my dad and won't stop fighting, emotional outburst, sheer torture that keeps on giving. Sometimes you have to try and find the humor in the OMG moments. But it reaches past that point to the body shutting down once the mind and will to live are gone it lingers " the long painful goodbye" No I pray for their release from this No it's not wrong to want someone to stop the suffering!

I think that the reader who suggested that you should tell the authorities that you cannot continue to do so much is absolutely right. I cared to my own mother who did everything she could to be helpful and was always appreciative, yet I had to seek help. The mental, physical and emotional strain weighs heavily on the carer, and at times does nothing for one's patience and temper! Having time for yourself and for your other relationships, and having occasional complete breaks makes life so much easier.
I do hope you succeed in getting help, because this is your life too - you should be enjoying some happy moments, not just living in state of constant bitterness.

//tywkiwdbi.blogspot/2013/12/scott-adams-on-death-of-his-father

This topic popped up in my sidebar, even though I don't think there has been really any current discussion on it.

I have pasted the above link, gathered from a blog I have been following for years. The entire story gave me the shivers, and some of the comments were disturbing to say the least.

Right to die is probably a controversy that doesn't get discussed on a caregiver site. And thank- God it isn't something I have had to deal with.

I hope I never do. I know my mother is is pain, but nothing like this poor man describes.

If nothing else, this link might make you feel lucky, after you recover from the heartbreak of the situation. I know it did for me.

@ zoolife,
great observation about the damage dementia causes to relationships. my mom had an episode 4 years ago that put her in al for a few months and she had the whole family going 8 different directions and pitting one against the other. thankfully at some point we all scratched our heads and figured out that this was far more than irrational thinking -- this was by definition " insanity " .

Hope for me, pray for me to go swiftly, for I do not want to linger in a purgatory of failing eyesight and contracted limbs, the isolation of hearing little, and saying even less. Give me to God, call down the angels, summon those who went before me to retrieve my spirit and lay my ailing body to rest in the warm soft earth that comforted me here.

im prayin steigman, im prayin. are you still here? damn, ill keep prayin. we beseach you father, blow her heart like a mount saint helons eruption. -- swiftly
and she wants angels. ill pay for the angels its a charitable deduction for me. lets get this s**t done, amen..

When your existence here is through, simply leave your physical body behind because you don't need it anymore. Just "step out" and allow your inner being to return to the non-physical from whence you came.

I'm so lucky that I've found this site.I'm referring all of my friends who are caregivers. I am dealing with i got my wish why don't you die? !! Shed say go to hell was burned out. Completely. But i couldn't put her in a NH because I would've lost the house. Well. NowI'm tormented and wish it'd ddie. Little good it did me to want the house. In unable to pay the utilities. My body is used up from lifting her off the floor and potty chair so many times a day as as 20. I'm 115 #.I have a liver disease. She lived the years longer by my staying home with her. She would've starved in a NH
But which is worse. Her pushing me to the brink and screaming at her or her being treated like crap in a home.I love you momma. I walk the floor crying I love you momma I'm sorry momma. Yes I do believe that I've lost my mind

I'm curious as to an update on BelleFluir, the original poster.

my mother signed everything over to my sister years ago.
so i guess i am just doing this because...
well, it isn't money or property.

deep down i feel like by the time she is gone i will have really lost whatever it was my life was before.

i also don't really have any idea how i will react to the loss.
i don't think there are many of us who get our own counseling, and even fewer who have any interesting friends left. but maybe that is just me.

this harsh winter is sorta getting on top of me, maybe spring will bring some kind of relief.
depressed? i am not even sure if that word describes it anymore.

It's weird how our caregiver lives are so parallel inso many ways. My Mom signed everything to my brother. I could not even put a monetary number on changing a poopy diaper before I even had coffee at 5:30 this morning...lol
As far as friends, Facebook is my only connection.
Personally, I'm glad the winter is so bad because I don't want to go out. I dread the thought she 'll still be here in the Spring when I'll want to be out gardening and such. That may sound selfish but we're going into 5yrs. of her slowly sucking the life out of me.

Now come along. Everything you're saying is true, and I agree. But we're not the ones who are dying. So let's not start practising before our time.

I don't mean we're not entitled to feel like zombies. Days like these, when emptying commodes and setting out clean clothes are the highlights, are not what you'd call a boost to joie de vivre. And DTC, I know what you mean about 'depressed' just not covering it. There's a sort of suppressed scream of 'holy God how much more?' going on in the background. And in a way what makes it worse is that there is NOTHING to stop us saying 'ok, that's enough, bye now' and walking. Not the law. Not physics or geography. Only our own free will (and Jiminy Bloody Cricket).

I think what helps me, don't know how many others it applies to, is remembering that the frustration part, at least, feels similar to when my children were small. Especially when they were ill. Especially when they were all ill at the same time. It felt as if it would NEVER END - and now, of course, I wish it hadn't. And I wish I'd realised while it was happening that one year is only one year - you never get to do it again.

Of course it isn't the same. We're not progressing, we're diminishing - this is the soft landing we're aiming for, not the triumphant (yes, er, well) take-off. And all we have to look forward to is loss, not a cheering thought in itself. It's getting harder instead of easier, too. The feedback gets less and less. Meanwhile our outside world is forgetting us, or - worse - getting actively impatient with how long it's all taking.

Oh dear Lord, I'm depressing myself, now.

But, it will end. We know it will, even if we don't know when. Oh great I am as I type getting a heart flutter - and there I was thinking that after this caregiving life ends there'll be another chapter: ok, not necessarily for us, then! The point, though, is that while it's going on what's happening to us in not all the world, not even all of our own world. We can stretch, we can breathe, we can listen to music, we can write (we can come and write here, for a start). We can wait. We can choose to do each task that we're obliged to do anyway well, or not well. With care, or without. With love, or with resentment. There is satisfaction to be found if we look for it.

I am, I promise, not one for platitudes and positive thinking. They can only take you so far before you are forced to acknowledge that you are being ridiculous pretending there is any fun to be found in a given situation. But if the alternative is escalating rage and misery from boredom, exhaustion, frustration and isolation…? All I mean is, when you do stumble over a choice in daily life, choose the option that feels better.

I am going to go and make her some tea and toast. One slice with honey and one slice with peanut butter is a pain, because of the crumbs and the two knives and the stickiness… but that's what she likes. She'll be happy. She'd be happy with honey too… but she likes to have both. Dearest Mama, here I come. xxx

cm - I think a little bit of us is dying regularly, or of me anyway and some days a bigger bit. It all adds up. Some one else on this site said they have lost themselves, they didn't know who they were any more. Apart from love - or resentment - it seems we are being changed at the core in a way that is beyond our control. By all means find the positive, whenever possible, but for me that does not scratch the surface of what is happening deep down. So many say that life is being sucked out of them. I feel it too.