Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

I totally agree with Survived2!!!! And as far as that Sylvester guy...he should be BANNED from this site. Where is our site adminstrator???

My heart goes out to all of you................

Feelings are just feelings; it's our actions for which we will be held accountable. I totally understand how you feel...God bless you!

Bellafleur---I don't think it is wrong to feel that way. I know of several people who didn't even care for their elderds and at the funeral when I gave them a hug and told them "I'm sorry for your loss"...They replied, "I'm GLAD it's over!"..Those people didn't even do any caregiving for their parent that passed on. They had it EASY. They didn't care for their parents AT ALL. We on the other hand..know that caregiving sucks the life out of us especially if it is for a Narcissist parent who is never, EVER satisfied. I know...my mom has been that way since I can remember (2nd grade). She is still that way at 76. Nothing is ever "fine"...EVER. Nothing I do for her is good enough...EVER. If the sun is shining.."it's TOO bright" if it is cloudy, "it's gloomy and I don't like this weather!". NEVER a positive comment...ever. They can't change. I've TRIED everything to show her how to be positive but nothing EVER worked. I feel your pain. I'm glad I've got my mom back in another nursing home because when she lives with me...it's unbearable ..every single day. My PSTD and Panic disorder don't help much either. My problem is ..now the NH is charging MORE than they sent bills for while she was in the hospital, so mom had some money in her account to fix her old car that I use to take her everywhere. I paid the NH bills when they sent them. NOW..they say they want MORE..and I told them it's in MOM"S CAR which needed fixed terribly. ..would only go 6 miles and overheat. I carried gallons of water for 4 months and had to stop every 6 miles..let it cool off and add more water. It was terrible. Now, the NH knows this but still insists that they want HER money that went on HER car. I told them she doesn't have it AGAIN..it is in HER car! How am I supposed to take her to funerals, outings, dances, etc. without a CAR???? It's an old salvage car at that which is different colors..not all same color due to adding parts from salvage yard. I am LIVID to think that I will have to bring her home to live with me again...due to this "money" they now want after 4 months! And, they are adding 35.00 per month each month that it's not paid in full. They already get her entire SS check minus 60 dollars a month which I use to buy her shoes, bras, clothes, take her places, etc. It's a RIP OFF of elderly and I do not know what to do. Suggestions?

See an Elder Law Attorney - the first hour is usually FREE.

cattails;
I'm sorry you received such a rude and insensitive post on your wall. That was truly ignorant and definitely uncalled for. I agree, if someone cannot be helpful and understanding of our difficulties and challenges trying to be caregivers they should be on another site where that can be as rude as their narrow minds allow.
I'm sorry you were subjected to that kind of harrasment maybe you should report his post and let the administrators deal with him, :-(
((HUGS))
Cara

Hi Cara: It's ok, but thanks for your concern. Sylvester was quite a star and he would show up on different threads and say the most outrageous things. On another thread a number of us were on, he blew in, insulted us and threatened to bunch us in the nose. Aw, for the good old days. Alas, Sylvester is no more. His more ugly posts were removed and then so was he.

Cat

Good deal!! Thanks for sharing, cattails.

I don't think it is wrong to wish your mother dead. I have often said, "There are much worse things than being dead..." I personally would rather be dead than be in the situation your mother is in. So, no, I don't think you are wrong. I am concerned about the bitterness I hear in your post. From what you have said, you do have many legitimate reasons to be angry and bitter. I do hope you find good healthy ways to release that toxin from your heart, soul, body, and mind because whether your mother dies soon or not, if you are not able of releasing the toxicity you will suffer. A good caregiver support group, facilitated by a professional, can work wonders and some good 1:1 help can make a huge difference, as well. Just remember, whatever pathway your mother takes from here, you can feel better if you are willing to receive some support. Peace to both you and to your mother.

There should be a law allowing the caregiver the right to ask for a "Dr. Kavorkian" when the caregiver and patient have both agreed on what they have considered QUALITY of life. If there is no real QUALITY left...only a shell of the person that once was...we should be able to be just as humane to people as we are to animals. We do not let animals suffer, why do we HAVE to let HUMANS suffer? We need more Kavorkians!!!

I wish I was really wise, but my father's recent death has forced me to think thru a lot of things. He was suffering a lot since July and when he finally ended up dying this past week in a nursing home I was grateful and sad. Dad's friends loved him and so did I but he wasn't easy for me. Nothing mean, just a very outgoing and, for me, needy person.

I put some time into therapy and it's too bad more people can't or won't do that. I love the term "human condition" because we all struggle. I don't think there is a family that isn't semi dysfunctional, but you do have a choice in how you deal with that. I'm far from perfect, but I'm really into personal growth. It's not easy or perfect. I'm always making mistakes and chadtising myself, but if I was perfect I don't think I'd be human.

My dad was in pain at one point and nothing seemed to work. I talked to his doctor about an overdose as well as my mother's priest and both made me feel slightly ashamed. But I loved my dad and I knew he would have agreed so I've forgiven myself.

Parents aren't perfect and some should never have been parents in the first place. Anger is normal, but don't let it ruin your life. Talk to a professional.

My mother also passed two weeks ago in a nursing home, after living with me for a year. About two weeks before that, I was leaving the nursing home, and I said an honest, heartfelt prayer to God, to please "call my mother home". My Mom was almost totally blind, always very fearful, and in pain. My prayer had nothing to do with me or my situation, nothing to do with any inconvenience to me, but a sincere wish to see my sweet Mother out of pain and fear. I miss her terribly, but my prayer was answered. My opinion is that there is nothing wrong with wishing someone would die, if it is out of pure love.

I feel the same way about my mother. I am ready for her to go. She (like so many others on here) is narcissistic. She is very unhappy and there is nothing I can do (or anyone else) to make her happy. When I visit, I feel like she sucks the life out of me. But she is healthy(she has macular degeneration and is blind, can't walk and early stage demintia) so she isn't "going" anywhere soon. That sounds so terrible. We are out of money. I am getting a loan next week. I am in the middle of a lawsuit with my nephew because he owes her money. Her doctor suggested that we can lower her thyroid medicine but my sister does not want to do that.

I feel bad for all of the elderly people in a way who wish like my step-father-in-law (we call G-Pa) that God hadn't given him what he calls "so long a sentence" here on earth if they are truly ready to go. G-Pa is getting weaker all the time from lack of exercise (which he swears he does every day) when he goes down stairs to shower he "says" he exercises every day. He does a whole 10 squats holding onto his walker. The sits in a chair raises his legs up one at a time and puts them back on the floor, raises his arms up in the air and does circles. But, whatever 10 each does absolutely nothing. Maybe repetitions of 10 each may begin to give him some strengh. He says he does a lot of things for muscle strength like walking up and down his driveway with his walker every day. (which I've seen him do twice in 2 years) He is SO living in the past, all this is wishful thinking on his part. He rehearses all this to his nurse who comes to see him, his social worker, and his nurse practitioner. He thinks he has them all fooled, but they did tell me they don't believe it or he would have more strength. The social worker also gave him a test to see how he comprehends things, and apparently he doesn't. He couldn't place hands on a clock drawing to tell the time, he couldn't put 4 blocks into a square on paper etc. He didn't understand many questions a 4yr old should know how to answer. His score was only 16 which is pretty bad. He said he has dementia. I knew it but couldn't get any family member to believe me. He does nothing all day but watch the darn TV and make himself a sandwich, and take a shower when he knows someone is coming to visit.
I'm so glad I left his house and moved here to MD it was impossible living with him. I thought (foolishly) that if I left my husband would choose me over this old guy, but he did not. So my husband has to put up with most of it now, so he's always exhausted and his health is going downhill now too. So now he sees the effect of caring for an older person, none of it is fun, it's frustrating, and exhausting, and saps your strenght. I too wish God hadn't given him such a long sentence. What was left of my marriage is now gone too. :-(

As I read the comments here, I see a whole range of caregiving! While I can empathize with people who are caregivers, I find it hard to have any sympathy for caregivers of people who have plenty of abilities but they are just a pain in the a**. As far as leaving a spouse who chooses to take care of a parent, it doesn't say much for the one who leaves. It's funny how that thinking changes when the will is read. However, if the person is completely disabled, I can fully understand why they would just want to see the person "go home". I have taken care of several people, a boyfriend, husband, mother, father-in-law and father. I've been a caregiver to all stages from just a pain in the neck, to completely disabled. I can only say that it does not get better. So, if you choose to leave, do it before you really resent them. If you choose to stay, know that the pros really do NOT outweigh the cons, unless you are totally selfless and your only joy comes from helping others. As for me, I had no choice in any of the situations. I am still caring for a stroke victim, and I'm very happy that the rest is over. So, if you ask me, I would say it is not wrong to wish they were gone.

DianaS
I know it may have sounded like I left my husband "because" he chose to take care of his step-father. But that's not the whole story, so please don't judge me too harshly. We have been married now 44 years. My husband is an alcoholic, his thinking is skewed from all those years of drinking. We do not communicate much at all despite me trying all these years to get him to talk to me. He has always done what he wanted our whole marriage, leaving me out of the loop. He never lets me know what's going on until he has made the decision. We left our home of 37 years and moved in with his step-father. I lived out of one room for 2 1/2 yrs. There is only one bathroom. I have IBS and just about made it to the bathroom in time on numerous occasions. My step-father-in-law hates it when people do things for him, but refuses to do for himself. His bathroom habits are aweful. He'd wipe himself after a BM with a hand towel, rinse it out in the sink and hang the still dirty towel on the towel rack (which is right in front of my face when I'm using the toilet) there was always feces on the floor which he would walk in and track through the house. I was cleaning up his mess for 2 1/2 years while my husband worked in other states for work. The horror goes on forever.
Like I said don't judge you have no idea what I went through.
We have a home in another state an hour from "G-Pa's" house. I go there once a week now, and it is enough.
I've been through months of counseling with a professional psychologist and after hearing all I'd been through, when I finally left she congratulated me. I have never taken care of me, always other people. I didn't even know how to laugh anymore, nothing was funny.
I am hurt at your comments but I guess I should try to see your point of view.
and maybe it wasn't personally aimed at me but it felt like it.
:-(

I am ashamed to say that I was glad when my father passed. He was in pain all the time and this made him sometimes unbarable. I knew that the moment he took his last breath that he was free. NO more pain and suffering.

Cara,
I sent you a message. I mentioned leaving a spouse because one post involved a woman who wanted to leave, but her mother-in-law threatened to cut them out of the will. So, her husband was going to stay. She said she wanted to leave.
So, it wasn't aimed at you...Unfortunately, we caregiving types can get sensitive... :)

I find it interesting that so many people call themselves Christians, apparently believe there is a God and some kind of afterlife and yet feel so needful to not die. Life is definitely a gift (but maybe not in some cases) so I understand the struggle of letting go. Don't you think wishing death for someone depends on why more than anything else? If you are wishing death for some personal gain then guilt is understandable. And I'm talking about GAIN as in finances. If you are talking about death as an end to suffering, the most you should feel is sadness for your loss.

On the other hand, there are times when the burden of caring for a person who no longer has quality of life certainly makes contemplating their death feel like a bad thing, but if you were the compassionate friend giving advice, would you really tell that person they were wrong for those feelings?

It's a completely reasonable question to ask. Is it right to wish anybody death? It doesn't make any difference whether you're Christian or not.

Sylvester may be like my brother when we were going to have to place mom in an assisted living facility. He had lived off our parents for about 20 yrs and was going to lose his "home." He said his girlfriend would move in with them and take care of mom. The house was a pigsty and took weeks to clean, paint, replace floors, you name it, because we had to sell it to take care of mom. That was 4 yrs ago, and my brother has not been to see mom in all that time. She has dementia, but still calls his name. He won't speak to me or my sisters because we sold the house and he had to get a job. I have told him he had better go see mom, but he doesn't, so I hope he doesn't come around crying when she is gone, but he probably won't even come to her funeral.
It is his loss. Mom may have dementia, but her personality is sweet and sassy. I never get tired of telling her I love her...and sometimes she responds back.

When longevity goes beyond the quality of life, there is nothing wrong with wanting someone you love to have a peaceful existence beyond a life on earth. People are living longer, but not necessarily healthier. Seniors deserve a quality of life with dignity. Hopefully there will be a cure someday for Alzheimer and Dementia.

I am sorry for every ones pain . But my mother just passed away & I would give anything to take care of her again. But there is a big difference . When I tucked her into bed EVERY NIGHT she said good night I LOVE YOU . I am only writing now because it hurts so much that she is not here . there were a couple of times she made me feel like a slave. , especially when the QUEEN came over. But now my mom is gone& it just really hurts, but like I said things only happened a couple of times. MOM I LOVE U XOXO

I too have an NPD mom - loving in some ways, but so dependent and needy and now developing dementia. My wonderful husband refuses to have her live with us - and that will probably save my health and our marriage. She is in a CCR and will be able to move into memory care when the time comes, but I pray for her sake (and mine) that she has a fatal stroke before that happens.

OH BOY! Can I ever relate! In fact, I just had this conversation with the minister who comes to see mother from Hospice. I've been taking care of my mother for 10 years now. The last year and a half has been full time (I'm sleeping in her storage room or on the couch).

Mother is seldom pleasant to me, and quite often refuses to even speak to me for hours on end. She has been lazy her entire life. She doesn't want my attention until I start to do something. THEN she wants to wander and try to get into stuff she needs to leave alone. OR... if I go anywhere, she does all kinds of odd things... such as pooping in a waste bin in the bathroom, or something else equally as odd. She will wake up from a sound sleep if I WHISPER to someone that I'm going to lay down and rest for awhile. Within 5 minutes she is raring to go! This is not an exaggeration! For 6 weeks after I started staying in her house I existed on less than two hours of sleep every night!

That said, the point is, if I had put her in a nursing home, she would probably already be dead. Since I give her around the clock care, she is still doing well. But I am tired! I haven't gotten to sleep in my own bed for more than a few nights in a year and a half! She is lingering, and growing lazier by the moment (as well as growing weaker from inactivity). Is it any wonder that I am ready for this to be over? But then I feel guilty for feeling this way. So, I spoke to the minister. His words to me made me feel much better. I hope they help you as well.

This is a completely normal feeling. Please do not feel guilty for wishing your mother would just let go and quit making your life miserable. If she were a dog or cat and were in pain and suffering from the amount of confusion there is bound to be associated with Alzheimer's, then you would do the humane thing and euthanize them. We cannot do this with our elders. What we CAN do is to choose to ignore their nastiness, and take the high road and be pleasant to them in return.

I find this difficult quite often... but I also realize that my mother takes perverse pleasure in being difficult, cantankerous, and quite frankly MEAN. When it gets too bad... I just smile, walk away, and say... "I'm okay with that. You are the one that will have to suffer the consequences of your actions. Not me."

It works! Good luck!

No it is not .. My mom tells me almost everyday she prays everyday that God will take her home. She is ready to go, but God has other plans right now. I also hope she will go soon, not just for her peace, but mine as well. It is very hard to care give for her and I want to enjoy my time with my husband. We are both newly retired and want to be "selfish" now. You are not alone. Sending the best wishes and hugs to you.

I guess unlike many, my mom went real quick. she was put in a hospice house after a massive stroke and 2 days later went to be with the Lord. Now, i am in a place of seeing my husband suffer after having a massive stroke which has left him paralyzed on the left side along with his shoulder being dislocated. Also, his mind has been effected to the degree of having hallucinations. I have been going through this for the last 2 and a half months, with the last month at home with a bather twice a week and a pt and nurse all from home health. All this to say, he has regressed so much, and we're trying rehab at a NH facility in hopes that he will regain some much needed weight and strength. At the same time I have become completely drained, both physically and emotionally with his not only being bed bound ;unless PT got him out of bed and that was only 2 or 3 times during the whole time of 10 visits, but also the lack of sleep I found myself asking the Lord if you won't heal his mind then just take him home. I know he would not want to remain here if he really knew how he was. he is my life and has been for the last 18 yrs. I don't think it is wrong for us to want our loved ones to go and be where they will no longer feel anymore pain or discomfort. signed, southernyankee

I feel very relieved when I read everyone's posts. I am not alone. Dementia is so cruel. I thought I was the only one that prayed for my Mom to be at peace. Some days she is almost cheerful, and others, she's everything that everyone has mentioned. I am her only caregiver, and it has nearly cost me my job, my health is terrible, and I see no way out.
My love and hugs to all of you who are caregivers. We are not alone.

Bhenson, you said, " It drains you so that when the time comes...I think you're almost at peace with it. " I think this is a very normal process that you describe. It is a kind of emotional preparation for us to let go of those who spent enough time on this earth and will be much better off when they shed the body they are trapped in. I'm going through this process right now. It's really not about "wishing they would die" which we are conditioned to think is "wrong" in this culture. The culture is wrong. It's about being kind enough to stop demanding that they "stay the course" and try to prolong life almost forever, another cultural conditioning. The medical profession would have you think that unless you try extreme efforts to prevent the inevitability of death, that you are a bad person. Hopefully, I think this attitude is changing.

Sandfox, I couldn't agree with you more. We don''t wish someone dead but instead, wish them peace and no pain. It's completely different in my opinion.