Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

I am both saddened & relieved to say that my mother had passed away on April 30th. I was with her until the end. She was on dialysis for over 2 years until stopped her treatments after fracturing her hip on Friday, April 13th. It was much too painful to sit to get her treatments done. It was hard to say goodbye but I know she is without pain & finally has her mind at peace after struggling with the onset of early dementia. I'm alittle lost right now. Feeling overwhelmed with all this free time & not being responsible for someone who was literally attached to my hip. Getting to spend time & getting to know my hubby again. He has been supporting & loved mom as his own mom. Love to all of you who have the hardest job. RIP Mom...I will treasure the time we had & thank you for giving me my life back. I will always love you.

I relate to your question. I am lucky to have had a wonderful caring mother up until dementia took away a lot of what she used to be. Now she picks her face bloody, constantly complains and argues with me and directs her anger toward me. I wish she would leave us and go to be with Dad who died 11 months ago. With him is where she really wants to be. I know he's waiting for her.

Beekybird...I went through the same issues with my mom. Don't argue back, not worth it. The more I denied "having a boyfriend", the angry she got so asked if he was cute & did a thumbs up when she said yes. She dropped it. May you have strength each day ....

NNY: My condolences to you and your husband. God's blessing to you all and especially your dear mother. Love and Hugs, Cattails.

NNY I am so sorry to hear about your mom. My sincere condolences to you. I hope that you will soon find peace in your life once agan. I am in your shoes as well as mom passed aways 2 weeks ago. Right now, you are busy I'm sure with relatives and the arrangements. Afterwards, you may be lost for awhile. It's okay and natural I hear. I am just starting to adjust a little bit. God bless you.

My dad who was 54 died at home as he refused to go to the hospital or hospice. He was in a coma for about a month & my mother here in Florida did not tell us until he died. We had come down from Mich. for Christmas 1980 & he died Feb. 5, 1981. Sometimes they want to stay home where they feel comfortable & that's ok if the person handling their care can deal with it. I know I probably will do the same for my 83 year old husband. Sometimes you just have to do what they want as most times they are ready to move on. Hope it works out for both you & your mother.

Belle, please forgive my ignorance of your situation, or if my question is inappropriate. If your mother lives with you, can you set some limits around her smoking that would make your life more bearable? For example, that she can only smoke outside the house, on a porch, or patio?
I'm very aware that she will pitch a fit, but if you are feeling that your home is not your home, and your health is being negatively affected, would setting some boundaries give you any sense of control?
She will be coming home from the hospital after a lung-related condition, so it might be a natural time to "change the rules". I also wonder if she has oxygen in her room....another valid reason to limit her smoking to outside areas. Perhaps setting limits like that might also lessen the amount she smokes, simply because it will be an inconvenience.
When she argues, you can be a 'broken record', not fighting back, just restating the new rules and telling her that ciggies in the house will be confiscated and destroyed, or whatever consequence works for you.
I apologize if you have tried these things...there's nothing worse than a stranger attempting to offer solutions to problems that you have been living with for years. On the other hand, sometimes fresh eyes can see things that we are too close to see. As caregivers, I think we lose our sense of ourselves after a while and forget that we have a right to fresh air, a peaceful living environment, time to ourselves.
take care, bandit

Marie 8888m your mother needs adult day even if she doesnt want it. Most new guests to adult day care have an adjustment period.... And this would give you a break, You really need to help your son, if putting mom in a nursinghome or assisted living facility is what you need to do, do this and get your life back.. you are entitled to a life... I had to place my mother in a nursing home and now my brother in an assisted living facility... I did not want to do it to either but for my health I had to. I was caring for both of them for a while till mom passed in2008. I am in the process of moving back home, (long story, lets just say I had care giver burn out and ran away from home) any way two years of being away from my children and husband, getting therapy, and taking care of my own health issues has brought me to the realization that other resources need to be used to help me thru this journey.
Reading these posts on this blog have made me realize that all caregivers (give their lifes up when they assume the responsibilities for their loved one) We worry and feel guilty because we are not wonder woman..!!!! we want our loved one to be well cared for and loved, no one can do it better then we. WRONG, why is it not ok to have help as a care giver... you do not have to give up your life.. god bless you and your loved one is very fortunate to have you.... ps have good self talk, it really works...

I used to write alot. Even that is gone now. I used to be an Artist. Gone. I used to be human. Gone. The only thing left......well, my Mom is still alive.

I have become dangerous.

Wish: I'm glad you joined and posted on the AC site. I read your profile and I just want to say my heart goes out to you.

My first suggestion to you would be to start your own thread. You can scroll up to the blue header: "Caregiver Forum" and click on it for the drop down menu. Click on "Ask A Question" You can ask a question and then add in more background information like you did in your profile. You will get more responses this way as your question will be posted for all to see. Please do that. You will find many friends here and lots of support.

I'm going to suggest that you call your local mental health department and the department of social services. They may be one in the same. I will talk more with you once you post your question, but you need some help. You are doing more than many will do for a parent. You are a good person and you deserve to have a meaningful life. It is possible. I'll check back on you. Don't give up, you've just opened the door to a whole new world and we will be there for you.

Hugs, Cattails

You need to get some help and now... please call the Dr and have your Mom placed and get yourself some counseling...I know caregiving is hard (I have done it, my grandparents and my Father)....please take care of you!!!

I was just glad to hear I am not the only one with these thoughts and feelings..
Now, I don't feel so guilty about the thoughts I have. I just need some help.. I am an only child and sooo wish I had a sibling now..Mom just broke her wrist and it's my 10 year olds summer vacation, I can't do anything with him right now and don't know if mom can even live alone anymore..I need respite care...something....

Yes you do, and your Mom would not want you to miss out on time with your son...
I care for my Mom too but all my children are grown... Call your local Area Agency on Aging and see if they can help OR call a local home care agency to see if they offer respite care. Many nursing homes and even assisted living facilities will offer short term respite. Either a two week stay (medicare will pay for) or day time respite like adult day care!!! take care and God bless...

I can so very easily understand this. My own situation is one where I can only look forward to release. No, it's not right that you should feel the way that you do but equally, it is not your fault. Don't let yourself be dragged into guilt feelings.

What can we do to avoid being dragged down? One thing I encourage are 'little victories'. These are not wins over the person you are caring for - they are actually just little wins over life. Getting five minutes to enjoy a cup of coffee in the garden; making time to listen to a piece of music you love - little victories are not about massive achievements, just small ones. Most people take such things for granted but we must elevate them in our minds so that they are much more significant - because they are.

None of this will change the person though. Nothing is very likely to change the person. The personality and life-engagement that they have had for so many years is not going to be very influenced by us whatever we do. At the end of the day, they are still responsible for their own situation and - more importantly - how they respond to that.

We often cannot change the world around us very much - but we can change how we respond and react to it. Most people never 'get' that. Many people will see dark clouds on a sunny day; they will hear moans in the birdsong; You are not really able to change it - you just want to escape from the world that they create. And little victories (seeing the blue sky despite the storms) is just one way that might help.

As negative as others are, you must constantly be positive. A hard call indeed, I know. And don't blame yourself when you fail as you will. Just remind yourself that at other times you will succeed. Because you will.

Wow. I dreamed last night I still had my Mother. I miss her so. She was the "only" person in the world who stood by me. Now I am left with my Father who is loving after my 1st cousin and a husband who blames me for the stress between my Father and me. The only person in the world who really loves me is my dog. I wish I could end it all sometimes. I just wish to fly away somewhere and not worry about the rest. I guess I was lucky to have such a wonderful mom.

nmckenzi, you can be loved by many without realizing it. Remember and celebrate the joys that you shared with your mom. Some might say that the dream was a way of reminding you of that special relationship. We can be separated from people physically and even emotionally, but in the heart the bond - the connection - often continues. Remember and rejoice in the wonderful times. The love of a dog (or a cat or indeed almost any other animal) is almost always based only on love. It is unconditional. It is pure. We can actually be more traumatised by the loss of a companion animal than a person! So love your dog back. I don't doubt that there is a bond there too, that neither she or he would like broken. Sometimes ending it all seems such a good option. There are all sorts of arguments against it, but the most important one, to me, is that the feelings ultimately pass and we are left stronger. Loss is terrible but we only feel it because of the love we enjoyed, and that love is far greater than the loss can ever be. Take every day as it comes and when that is too difficult, take ever hour one at a time. Even if you have to take each minute at a time. Things, ultimately, with love, will get easier. And remember, you are not alone. You are never alone. Not while there is one of us here to share with.

I just placed my mom in a residential care home after she had a downturn and lost all her mobility--unable to stand up or walk anymore. I had taken care of her at home for several years by myself and I was frazzled. I wanted it all to end and had many dark thoughts. When she was hospitalized and I knew I had to come up with a care plan, I didn't think I could possibly pull it all together. With the help of the hospital social worker and hospice, my mom is now getting excellent care, better than I could have given her at home and she is content. A gigantic burden has been lifted from me and I feel like a new person. No more hoping it will all end. My relationship with my mom has been transformed since I am no longer her caregiver and can just be her loving daughter. I had to learn to reach out for help out of pure desperation and just march through all my fear to get this done. I so wanted to take care of my mom at home until the end but it was killing me and taking me to very dark places in my head. So as everyone says, try to get help and don't isolate yourself. The negative feelings are natural but if you can ease your burden by getting help, there's no doubt the dark thoughts will start to dissipate.

catchlab - very well said and done. Calling in the professionals to help was a very smart thing to do.Sometimes we set ourselves up to achieve things that are not possible for us. The way it has worked out is win-win!

Wow! So much I can relate to. My Mother was abusive to me my entire life and in fact I spent more time "pushed out of the family" than a part of it. Now that she has run everyone off in the family including her son - I'm the one who has to take care of her. Listen to her tell me about how I've turned against her and put her in a nursing home, making me feel guilty because I live so far away and am not there to take care of her. She can't walk, she is blind, obese,nasty to people and refuses to admit she has anything wrong with her when the list is a mile long, I wish I could treat her the same way she has treated me my entire life, but I just don't have it in me. Believe me I wish I did, but I can't. I wish for her a peaceful death - and then I will have peace here for the rest of my life. I feel less horrble about saying that now than I used to. I miss my Dad at times like this - he was truly the only one who could handle her and he passed away almost 20 years ago.

Sylvester: You are one sick puppy. I got the post you put on my wall, the one where you gave me the finger. How nice of you to bother yourself to post on my wall. I guess you did this because you realized I was putting my dad in nursing home care and you didn't approve. Now, who are you to judge this decision that was extremely gut wrenching and heart breaking for me. My father is a nice man. I have been taking care of he and my mom for 7 years. My mom passed away in 2008. My dad had a major stroke a year ago. He is only capable of saying a few words and lifting a spoon to his mouth. I do everything for him. My health is going down the tubes and my husband is stressed out too. We love my dad, but we have to also give some thought to our own lives. Why is that a sin? Why do you feel you can leave an obscenity on my wall and the walls of others because you just feel like doing it. Are you mentally ill? I think you have put your self in a position of grandiose self righteousness. You are the martyr and you take care of your mom. Well, there are a whole lot of people on the AC site that are doing all they can to take care of their parents and not die themselves in the process. And there are others who know that they are just not up to the job or have run out of the will to keep going.

Some have been battered and abused, but you give that no consideration. You just go on with your insanity, judging everyone. If you want to continue to do what you are doing for your mom, that's fine. Why don't you just leave AC and spend the rest of your life being the sick person that you are and not submit anyone else to your ridiculous comments. You do not bring one ounce of humanity to this site.

My guess is that you have a whole bunch of crap in your little closet. You can't live beyond your narrow confines and you resent it. So you strike out at everyone else who shares their heart. None of us are perfect, but we tell the truth and we try our best.

Thank you for posting on my wall and flipping me off. You are truly a role model.

Cattails

WELL SAID CAT!!!! What an odd man you are Sylvester. I cant help wondering if you are one of those strange men who never left their mother. I'm sure this may account for your mental instability. This can't have been good for your growth as a person. Bellefluer, you rock. It's hard. I just put my mom in assisted living. Maybe it's time to start looking into nh for the woman who's only goal in life is to make you miserable. He's proven time and again how unstable he is. You will find only love and understanding here at ac and many helpful suggestions to simply help you to get thru another day.

So now I'm going back and read your story. I'm Lisa. And it's very nice to meet you!

Dear belle, I've read all the post. On my thread, I was given the same advice you've been given. The last time my mother was hospitalized I requested to speak to hospital social worker and informed her I could no longer care for my mom. They kept her and sent her to rehab for 20 days till her apt was ready in assisted living community. When you speak to the man or woman, hold nothing back. Tell them of her abusive behavior toward you. tell them about the toll it is taking on your own health. Remember, the only one who has the power to change your circumstances is you. Start living your life again. I promise your future can be promising. My family took our lives and our home back. Good luck to you. Lisa

I have the greatest empathy for you! I have a similar story. My Mom is 92 and not a day in her life went by, where she ever said " it's a beautiful day outside"! She is the most negative person I have ever known. I left home at age 19 because I was miserable. I could not listen to music, have friends over, or do anything a normal teenager does. I came home, only when both my parents were ill. That was twenty years ago. I have lived with Mom since my Dad passed away five years ago. Sometimes she's a loving mother. Most of the time, she's a miserable old lady. Like your Mom she doesen't exercise. She has no hobbies other than watching her soap operas. Even then, she complains because "all they do is jump into bed!" Isn't that what most frustrated housewives watch the soaps for? I still think my Dad gave up, because all he ever heard was. " Father, it's time for us to go to our apartment ( grave ) don't you think?" She repeated that over and over to him. Finally he just gave up and died! If people call her, all she does is complain about her aches and pains. She never has a kind word for anyone. She repeats over and over how all she wants to do is go to sleep and not wake up. The lady hates life, but keeps hanging on. Other than arthritis, she is healthy as a horse! She doesn't understand that I have heart problems like my father. When I try and feed us a healthy meal, she complains. Then she tries to tell me I should eat stuff I wouldn't touch. " Your Dad and I ate that stuff all the time, and we were fine!" Yeah, that's why Dad had a quadruple bypass. His arteries eventually re-clogged, leading to his death. I have a heart arrythmia, Mom knows it but still nags on and on. If I complain, she says "fine, I won't talk to you anymore". She just cant understand, that she is slowly killing me too!

WOW! I thought I was the only one to feel this way! My mom is a miserable person too. She is always telling me she is better off dead! Why won't we just let her die? Because I guess it is human nature to do all we can and know that we did all we can to help her. And I too feel guilty in thinking she and us are better off if she just died. And I know I am gonna pay for feeling that way. Wish u good luck and I will be checking once in awhile on your threads. Hugs to you!!!!

My mother is currently living in assisted living facility in Georgia.
She has finally been approved for VA Aid and Attendance.
My question is if I move her into my home in Florida and hire home care will she loose the VA Aid and Attendance.
Also what steps will I need to take to do this.

wayneweathersis, maybe you have seen this but try this link for contact info.

My father is 95 1/2 and has dementia. He has lived with me for nine months now and I have watched him progressively get worse and worse....yes, there are days that I wish for him to go to sleep and pass away peacefully. However, this is not in a mean spirited way at all. None of us wants our parents (or any loved one) to struggle and be miserable and so "lost". It is hard to see. As another poster stated, something to the effect of having lost their parent already. I understand this....I have already grieved for the father that I knew and loved. This old man living in my house is not that man.

This point was brought home a couple weeks ago to me. One of my dogs had a cancerous tumor. I cried on the way home from the vet. I felt bad that I cried over the dog, but I don't cry about my father, with his dementia, his prostate cancer they can do nothing about (he is in no pain).....

So, you are not bad for wishing the parent to pass on....as long as you want them to pass on to end their suffering, and not because you are angry at them.

I think that you are very right, when you love someone you do not want them to suffer. In my mind I believe it is okay and even appropriate to ask God to release them from suffering. That is my believe and I am sure that some folks would not agree. I have in my life and time had the priviledge of caring for my Grandparents and my Father whom I loved dearly!!! With all of them I asked the Lord to take them so they could be at peace... You are a wonderful daughter to care for your Dad as you have... I hope and pray that you and he will recieve peace and rest soon!!!