Would it be okay to make mom furnish her apartment?

Pictures do help complete a home. Could you take old family pic of her framed. My mom enjoyed the family pic of when she was about 6 & family pic of my dad all in small frames.

Ha! I just downsized and moved my dad from his one bedroom with living room AL apartment to his one room in LTC. My advice is take way less than you "think" they will need. I just had to donate a ton of things and most of it wasn’t even necessary to him living in AL. We had 12pairs of shoes and he only ever needed or wore two pair.

My mother insisted on bringing EVERYTHING that she had in the apartment in my house. I spent a week with a floor plan and cardboard cut outs made to the same scale as her apartment and showed her what would fit, and nothing more. Of course it was an effort in futility, but I didn't understand enough about her lack of cognitive function to understand that.

At any rate, we fit whatever we could, and she is proud of her apartment with her furniture and paintings and pictures of family and friends, and the sales director actually uses mom's apartment (with her approval) as part of the tour, which makes mom happy.

She still asks when can she come home. I tell her she has to stay until I retire, that there are laws that she can't live alone or be in my house alone while I work, because if something were to happen to her, I could go to jail for neglect. She has been in the ALF for a year. But I think it gives her some home that someday down the road maybe I can bring her home. It's better than having her being perpetually angry or depressed.

For now I would back off. Let her adjust and she will realize that this is permanent.

Someone suggested this to me. I wish I had known long ago! Habitat for Humanity has a chain of local stores.They take old, unwanted furnishings, refurbish them, and make them available for a small percent of their value. They take donations from anyone with something to offer. The proceeds are used to help in the remarkable work they do building homes. This source is used by many in furnishing an Assisted Living, or Memory Care space. She might appreciate being the source of happiness for another family. And it is almost Valentine's Day -- you can gift her with things you know she loves. Encourage her to take advantage of whatever events get planned for residents. As she meets other residents, makes friends, it is likely they will want to visit back and forth.

I'd have given anything to persuade my mother to dump her scuzzy armchairs when we moved house. We did get rid of the matching sofa but that was because the frame turned out to be broken past repair. But the chairs? - nope. Stuck with 'em. Buttoned upholstery in old gold Dralon. Terrible eyesores. Absolute purgatory to sit in. A pain to keep clean. Ugh!

Then came the glorious day when my "fastidious" [do I mean neurotic?] BIL came to visit. For a moment I couldn't think why he was standing there like a tin of milk to talk to my mother instead of taking a seat, until I realised that he was afraid to sully his person on these chairs. A truly Christian woman would have fetched a towel to use discreetly as a temporary throw, but I'm afraid I just beamed internally and snuck out to the kitchen to laugh myself sick.

Let your mother make her own furniture choices.

Isn't it funny how we the children think we know what is best materialistically for mom & dad. Take pictures together and give them a hug instead. You'll cherish that once they are gone.

NightOwl - your mom’s AL sounds really really spacious, “sitting area” plus a bedroom! Nice! Most AL are like a small dorm room so no dealing with furniture issues. I wouldn’t be surprised IF in time mom mentions needing something for her sitting area. Shes going to go into others rooms.... they will have sofas, love seats, and there will be movie watching or get togethers in others rooms. So unless she wants to be a an outcast, she’ll want to be able to do her own invite. And needs seating.

My mom is like that too. Don’t bring a bunch of her things down to AL, it’ll be cluttered and it’ll all have to be taken back to the house.

I am going to hold off on bringing much because she’s only been in AL for approximately two months. She says she likes it but then, she’s not let go of ‘her’ house yet. I can understand that. 

It is so difficult to know what to do. I have found with my mom we had to do everything when she wasn't in the room. We brought her furniture in, hung pictures and so on. She didn't know the difference because of her memory problem.

I have to agree to the back off approach. She needs time to accept that she’s now living there. Usually that takes about 3 months. Once she does that and see's other resident's apartments she may one day surprise you. Put her pictures and knick knacks in storage. Then when she’s ready it will be her decision. The thing is we so want them to be happy and settled that we project our desires on to them. Let that be one less thing you feel the need to control. Let that battle go and give it to God or the universe.

Yes that's it exactly. I suggested a recliner. She said she doesn't want to form an attachment. I'll drop it.

The single hardest thing for me in caring for my mother is that I project onto HER what I would want for myself, or what I want HER to have: ie: a clean apartment, living plants instead of dead ones, clean carpet, sanitary workspaces...this list is endless.

SHE prefers to live in a hoarded, grimy apartment. SHE doesn't care if the windows are opaque with dirt or that there's bird poop all over...she's content with all her junk crowded around her.

I have had to completely change MY viewpoint of what is good and right for her and allow her to live in grime, because she likes it that way. Backing off is really, really hard. But I am doing so and not saying a word.

I KNOW that one of the reasons she hoards so much stuff is that the more stuff she has, the less likely we are to even attempt to move her to a SNF, no matter how ill and infirm she becomes.

Even though your mom admits to missing a couch, a love seat represents that she's stuck there permanently. Yes, she'd like one but it has a negative connotation to it, so she refuses it. She also doesn't want her pictures on the wall and nicknacks around because her "internment" there would be final.

What she's saying is that she wants to have HOPE that she can leave there before she dies. If all these things are surrounding her, it represents the end of her dream-to leave. I think her refusal of having her things is depression over having to be in a place that she rather not be in.

Back off sounds harsh but I wouldn't bring it up again so as not to "choke" her with your desires. Let her adjust to her surroundings (if ever) and you be available to talk about it if she brings it up.

Good advice :)

Yes. Back off. She has what she wants, including something to complain about. Perhaps a time will come when she accepts being where she is and she would like her pictures, and a new love seat. Until then, let her bring it up.

Yes. Back off. Action speaks louder than words. If she really wanted a couch she would have asked you to take her shopping for one already. In this case, she just likes to complain about it because she wants to go back to her old place where her old couch is.

Why give her something she doesn't want. She said no to your many offers, didn't she?

You could make it a "gift" from her loving children (don't people always say it's the thought that counts?), she doesn't have to know that she paid it herself.