Due to financial concerns we need to downsize again in order to make our money last longer. I just started leaving him in an elderly daycare for 10 hours per week, in order to give myself a break from 24/7 caregiving. He does well there. However I am worried that the upheaval of moving will make him worse. He had a bad fall (off a cliff!) in September, with some head trauma, and has deteriorated more rapidly since then. However, I can’t afford our increasing expenses as time goes on, especially if we stay in our present home. Does anyone have any experience with this? Thank you.

Hi Cassidog
it sounds like you have your priorities in order. You know whether you can afford to continue where you are OR not and you have found help in managing your days with DH.
There are so many components that are variable from one person to the next.

I would suggest before you move you also consider it an option to speak with an elder attorney to see what your options are to place your husband should that become necessary.
I think sometimes the spouse fears being left impoverished if their loved one needs more care than they can afford. I read on this forum that if Medicaid is needed that the community spouse is not left impoverished. There sometimes comes a point that your being able to manage his care is more important than actually providing all the hands on care. So please when you make your plans consider that with the advancement of his dementia it might soon be necessary to find even more help than the daycare.
It is so important to the both of you that you take care of you.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
Cassidog Feb 6, 2019
Thanks 97, good advice.
It depends, some people have a difficult time adjusting but some people on the forum have mentioned that their loved one didn't even notice the move, I expect it matters how similar the layout of new home is to the old one. I'd like to suggest you consider having him spend moving week at a facility for a respite stay if you can afford that so he doesn't have to experience the stress and confusion of the actual move.
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Reply to cwillie
Cassidog Feb 6, 2019
thanks cwillie. A couple of you suggested getting him “out of Dodge” for the moving week. It never occurred to me! I don’t know why. That would make it so much easier on both of us. He still wants to make all of the decisions (oh no!) so if he was gone it would eliminate that problem.
I agree with willie and 97. I also think your husband maybe far enough into his Dementia that he may not even realize you have moved. Keep what you can that is familiar. His favorite chair stuff like that. I have been cleaning out for a while. I donate and give away things I don't need or want. I was a doll collector. Have given some of them to the Church silent auction. Gave lots to a Thrift store where the proceeds go to help a Church School. I don't do yard sales. Too time consuming and I didn't make enough money.

The new place I would try to arrange things to be as much like the old house as possible. If you can't afford respite, then put him in daycare for the week you are moving. Don't let him see the comings and goings. Then when u pick him up, take him right to the new place. At first, don't say anything and see what happens. If he asks, keep it simple.
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Reply to JoAnn29
Cassidog Feb 6, 2019
Thank you, JoAnn29. Those are good ideas! I especially like the idea of donating instead of trying to sell. Selling is such a not-needed hassle right now.
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My Husband did a lot better than I thought he would. From the old house the last thing that got loaded onto the moving truck was his recliner.
The first thing to get put in the new house was his recliner. I was having the TV connected while we were on our way. Once we got to the new house he went in, sat down in his recliner and that was pretty much the extent of it. At dinner time we had pizza, one of his favorite foods! and by the time it was time for me to get him ready for bed (he needed guidance at this time not actual "help") he got into bed, I gave him a kiss (our normal nighttime routine) and that was pretty much the way the rest of the days went. He did mention "the other house" or "home" but I did not have any problems.
So keep to the routine as much as possible. If you can arrange a longer day at Day Care the week leading up to the move, it will give you a chance to pack and arrange what will be first into the truck and what will be first out to make things feel more like home to him.

Yes he may have problems but you never know...each person is different.
If possible keep the routine as much the same as possible. Get up at the same time, meals the same time, day care the same days (with increased time for a while if possible)
And if he does not adjust right away don't worry, he will adapt.
By the way if you are moving to a large complex from a single family home this may be more confusing for him. Make sure he can not get out on his own. And if there is any chance that he would wander get a tracking device. (as silly as it sounds there are tags you can put on a dog that you can set a range so if the dog goes out of range you will be alerted. Or tags that can be put on luggage so you know where it is. As far as I know these do not have monthly fees like the medic alert systems do.)
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Reply to Grandma1954
TOMTAge Feb 8, 2019
Good stuff - marry me!
Hopefully it won't make too much difference to his routine, etc. You're guiding him to bed and probably other things, so him knowing/remembering things may be less important at this point.

More important now is the reality of your financial situation. You have to be in a safe place that you can afford and do your best to help hubby adjust.
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Reply to againx100

my daughter & I packed while he slept & then rest of our kids finished packing while I took him into town 100 miles to sons house where we had stayed before and arranged for him to go to adult day care while realtor took me to find condo to buy. It was what I call a God thing all worked so smoothly. Sold our house Sun. cash & 2 wks moved into condo I bought & our kids & grands had everything moved in place when I took hubby in & said this is our new home. His response it’s nice, I’m tired & off to bed already set up. I could never have done that w/o the help of our family.
I made sure he never saw a for sale sign or a showing. Never saw boxes packed (in guest rm w door closed). Was away when The Uhaul truck & family came & never saw set up in new place. He never once mentioned our beach home we sold amazingly. I made sure he was occupied or sleeping. It can be done.
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Reply to mlface
qattah Feb 9, 2019
That was so thoughtful...
I think he might adjust since you will be with him, but do what others have suggested and pack when he is not there. When I moved my mom into assisted living I only packed her things when she was asleep. She was never out of the house unless I took her, so I didn't want to upset her to see me pack her things because she couldn't remember she was moving and was determined anyway to stay in her home. I bought a new bed for her new room and put her old bedspread on it, replacing the old one with a different one from her closet while she was still at her house. I packed her recliner and replaced it with a rocker and she didn't notice the bedspread or recliner being gone. I took a dresser from another room, but it was still hers. Everything I took, except the bed, was hers. It took me a long time to pack in secret! After the move she was confused for a week or so, but settled perfectly with her things around her. I also retained her homecare person for four days so she or I could be with my mom to help her adjust. It was stressful and scary, but it worked. It's been six months and she no longer remembers her house and believes she and my dad once would go to the room she is in now when they first met as teenagers to talk and kiss. It's my favorite of her made up memories.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter

Where i live, the police will give, free of charge, a tracking device.
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Reply to JoAnn29

It will make him worse, but probably only until he acclimates. Your financial solvency is more important.

His dementia will get worse if you move and it will get worse if you don't move. It can't be the priority in making a decision so critical to how you'll be able to live the rest of your lives.

Also, keep in mind, he may get confused about his surroundings even if you stay where you are. Sometimes, people's minds take them back to previous homes and their current home doesn't make sense.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to IsntEasy

The actual downsizing process was tough on my husband, very tough because he had to make decisions.

but he is so glad we did it. Our lives are smaller, handier, simpler, easier, less encumbered. Was a great decision! No regrets at all.
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Reply to Salisbury

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