How do I deal with worrying about both parents at the same time?

Venting helps a lot. This place is great for that. The only answer I can give you for your question is.....one day at a time. Try to get through what's happening now and save the rest of the worrying for later. If you dwell on the "big picture" it can overwhelm you. Take each day for what it is, and visit here often for support. I am sure some of the veterans and experts will have better answers for you. All I can do right now is say.....this community is the best place for help and support. It's a long journey, but we will be here for you.

Although I completely understand your need for empathy and emotional support, I think you know that already. ANY support group you can find through Agencies on Aging in your area will help you not feel so alone.

NOW: for the practical part. I think you need a full game plan here including full knowledge of all finances, assets and medical plans for both your parents. Only with this knowledge can you try to map out a path going forward. See what you can or cant truly afford. Talk to their accountant or attorney if they have oneto discuss their situation. If no LTC insurance then start checking local colleges, especially ones with nursing programs. Students will come and sit, assist or whatever for much more manageable rates than agency people. Call local churches. They often have volunteers to help seniors. And please, do not say you dont need help yet - you do! That help can truly be two hours to go to a movie with your kids, or lunch with a girlfriend, or just go and sit and get a manicure in peace!

I dont know if your ex is a good guy or the ex from hell, but if there is any possibility of his helping with your kids, now is the time to ask him. Take them to an extra dinner or movie during the week or weekend. it will make you also feel less guilty about them watching the show at home.

a lot of stress in worsened by the fear of the unknown. Dad is scared about financial security, about losing his partner and being alone, about living alone once she is gone, about how horrible it will be to wait while she dies and a host of other things. mostly this all then falls under the male "I have to DO something" or I am not being a man. If he is clear enough, have him help you work out a financial concept. Dont judge what you DONT have, just figure out what there IS available to you guys and how to make it work to best serve your needs.
BTW if Dad is a veteran there is Veterans Aid and Assistance for him and his spouse, but be prepared to go through beauracratic hell to document and apply and then wait for months to get an answer.

Good luck.

I know how it feels. I cared for both parents at the same time. I had to put my mother into an assisted living home, and had my father move in with me.

When it comes down to it; try to get all the help you can. Ask DSS for help. See if someone can be paid by the state to watch one of your parents.

Take time for yourself. If you become sick; who will your parents have? See all of the resources available to you.
Tell your Dad that him stressing himself out over your Mom; would make your mom worry.
Write in a journal and put down your feelings. There are support groups too. You are not alone.

I actually have enjoyed my time with my parents. I got to hear some awesome stories, and I got to see how incredible my parents were. They are my heroes for going through all of their sicknesses and still laughing.
Tell you children about your mother's health issues. Let them know she doesn't mean it. Sundowners isn't her fault.

Just post on here if you need to talk. I am available and have had the same problem; only I have no kids.
You are amazing for doing this!!! No matter what happens; know you had the strength and courage to tackle a big project, like this, head on. Your parents are proud of you; even if your mom can't say it.

God Bless you and good luck!!!

I've sort of learned that the worrying does NO GOOD. What will happen will happen. It's out of our control. How we REACT is in our control. I agree with both of the above posts. Learn to meditate. Get outdoors (parks) as much as possible. Nature is healing for you, your kids and your parents. Walks are also good. Don't buy in to confrontation. I'm also trying to learn to keep my mouth shut and not feed into arguments. My husband will not like my suggestions, so if I see an article that may help, or something with instructions and he wants me to read it I say no, he needs to read it as he doesn't believe me. That has worked so far, but may not in the future. Short prayers (for me) is similar to meditation, so I do that when I feel stressed. Writing your feelings down will help too, and maybe also good for your dad. Talk with your doctor also. Blessings!

First of all, bless you for all that you are doing. I like all of the post above and I agree, talk to Nursing Home Directors, Elder Care Attorneys, DADS, your local Elderly Care agencies, A Place for Mom. I too was in your situation of caring for both Elderly Parents, I utilized all resources that I could find and I came to this web site often to vent and to share. I soon found that all the worrying in the world didn't change a thing, I had to change my approach to care giving to save my mind, physical well being and to preserve my total family relationship. Involve your Dad in future planning options and just know that you will be faced with some tough decisions but also know that you are doing what is best for everybody.

What about getting a Big Brother and Big Sister for your kids? I believe they are intended to protect kids from some of the problems of an overstressed single parent. If the kids can have a special event or two to look forward to, they will be happier, and you can feel that they are being taken care of for a while. Then you can feel freer to do something for your parents, or clean house undisturbed, or take a nap.

I too have had the opportunity to care for both of my parents while living with them in their home. For years, my father refused to establish legal protection for he & my mother in the event of nursing home needs. Consequently, one month before he passed away, an attorney who advertises in our church bulletin came to our home and provided not only advice, but a resolution to the situation. A life estate was what my parents eventually chose to do. This allows them to remain in their home during their lifetime without having to worry about losing all their real estate assets should they have to go to a nursing home. It takes so little time to set up. A designated person is assigned the house upon their passing. This is protection for them, and provides a great deal of comfort and relief from all their worries. Please consider this. I am sure that an attorney who is elder-friendly could visit your home and help you.

A good elder care attorney can help you get the answers about
homeownership and social securty, medicare and "spending down" to medicaid.
It may help you get rid of alot of stress just knowing what to do.
They have been a real help for myself and my mother and father.

And I wanted to add, take notes so that your own children don't go through this when you are older. I am getting rid of junk, around the house, and talking with my husband about long term health insurance.

Prsimon: Very well said!!
Amyrup, Many have given similar advise in this post, but a ton of your personal stress will be relieved when you accomplish the practical aspects of arranging for future care. I would look into everything Prsimon said. I think it is fabulous that you can still have intelligent conversations with your Dad. His concerns are also valid and he will feel empowered by your teaming with him to accomplish the goals stated by Prsimon. Please keep us posted with your progress!