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There is a client who is in control of her live and change aids because she is very verbally abusive. According to her "She is the one paying and she have that right". She even pays less that minimum wage to her aide.

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rbrown, sorry to say this, but you develop a tough hide and let comments go. Things will get a lot worse and if you don't develop the ability to ignore comments now, you will go nuts later. You can't control Dad or sister or what they say and think, you can only control yourself and your reactions.

Right now he is playing one of you against the other. I don't know if it's been that way all your lives, but it's that way right now. May get worse, may go away.

Without making a big deal out of it, next time you talk to your sister, tell her that Dad said he doesn't want to go to the cemetery any more, but that he didn't want to hurt sister's feelings and say so. (That way, if sister wants to continue going, she can go when Dad's not with her.) Not everyone likes to visit graves.

Hey! At least you get respite one day a week, a lot of people don't get any help from their siblings. You are one of the lucky ones.
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My father has been diagnosed with subcortical dementia. He recently failed his driving assessment and now has moved in with me and my husband. My sister takes him on Sundays; however, when he comes home at first he is very positive but then as time goes on he becomes rude and short with his answers. I asked him why he is responding to me like he is and he told me that's how your sister told me to talk to when this comes up. For instance I asked him if he heard from my brother, he replied no. Then a minute later said if your so concerned about him call him yourself. I told him I thought his comment was rude and that I simply asked him a question. He apologized to me and then told me that my sister told him to say that to me next time I ask about my brother. What do you do with siblings that are constantly at odds with you? She even took him to my mothers grave and he doesn't want to go there but doesn't tell her this, he tells me.
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Have you notified the family that this is happening to you? Or the Primary care physician? Sometimes a change in medication, mental status, Urinary tract infection can cause an elderly person to say inapropriate things. Make sure there is not an underlying medical reason for this behavior. You are the caregiver, the eyes and ears for another. If you just quit, the next person will not know that something may be wrong with your client.
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It's difficult when the client is verbally abusive. Maybe she's not happy or doesn't feel well. That doesn't give her the right to be verbally abusive but it could help explain it. Set boundaries, she may be paying for help but abuse is abuse. She should be paying at least minimum wage. Here an in home aide gets the average of 10.00 per hour
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Document the abusive experiences. Record them if you can. If there is a law preventing secretive recording to protect yourself, then inform the client what you are doing. I wonder if they are "sugary sweet" to you that day?

At least jot things down. What triggers abusive things, what do they say or do? Are they ranting directly at you or is it something else? Eg: a spouse or relative who passed away? It's not your job to find a psychologist for the client, but your input may prove valuable.

Sure do understand. Mine is a elder parent. It's been years. Only in the past year, maybe two, did I really start standing up for myself. Hang in there and find peace for yourself.
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Quit but be sure to send a certified return receipt letter to your client, why you had to quit with no notice, and also inform agency if any, as well as send same letter to local DHS. You don't want to leave your client in danger by your sudden departure so take reasonable steps to cover your absence. But in absence of a formal employment contract you are under no obligation to provide 2 wks notice (be sure to put that in your letter). Maybe call 211 with client's name/address and let them know, I used to work for them but they were abusive so I had to quit....please have someone check up on them. You probably could make the 211 call anonymously if needed. Then go find another client, and don't sell yourself short!
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What if its your own parent and your the only caretaker? Contantly out of moments of anger lashing out how you were a troubled child and now its my turn to put up with them...

If you are over 55 or disabled call Adult Protective Services, this is a very common issue if you live in a good place they will be of great help. If you don't have that option seek out a caregivers alliance in your county. Get out of the house and find friends that can support you. Remember you are human and you will become more and more angry and it would also be normal if you totally cracked under the stress. What will you do when she slaps you across the face how will you deal with that. She will make you her total slave day by day. This is just how it goes everyone in the business knows it.
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We go to work to do our job. We do not go to work to be abused--in ANY way. Good luck,
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I had someone one paying me more $$ to treat me less than human. It only got worse. You can never win because they can never be pleased. I would say to myself, " The money is good. I can handle it." But,l 12 hour shifts & year after year--- I eats away at your self esteem & you dread going to work the next day. This past Summer, I walked away & never looked back. I started my own business & I LOVE IT! I am amazed at how kind my clients are to me! It was difficult for me to accept kindness or generosity because it had become so foreign to me. One client insisted that I eat lunch with him every day. I would say, "I'll sit with you , but I can't accept it." Or, "Alright, but I insist on paying for my own." The restaurants he chose were far above my price range, but he would insist. So, I accepted one day. Afterward, I actually felt guilty. I thanked him over & over. He just looked at me with a slightly annoyed & somewhat bewildered look & would say, "It's only lunch!" I will never forget how he helped me see that there is a world full of people that will treat you like gold. But, you have to walk away from where your are now before you can have that. Now that I can & do accept being treated so well, I will never settle for less again. blou
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Working with a needy client as their caregiver, does not give them the right to force you to listen to abusive language purposely directed at you nor anyone else for that matter.. You also have the "right to wear ear plugs" and "inform her" you are doing so: because you have the "right," in order not to have to listen to her negative words. If she has something very important that you need to know about, you can take the ear plugs out. for a moment, to care for important needs.. or "if she is able" to write on paper directions to you that she needs to have done, it may help her more than you think. While reassuring her that you care about people who need help in their home, and she is included in your wish to help her out. If she gets the point, and can try hard to control her tongue, then you can take the ear plugs out. If she "fires" you due to her wishes to have the freedom to be verbally abusive to you, then be happy for the relief, and find someone else who appreciates your loving care.Some times a person has to have a picture or strong example brought to their attention in order to get the point. Best Wishes. joylee
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Don't let the door hit you on the *ss on your way out!
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Quit.
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I had a patient like that. So my second week there, I let her have it. I read her the riot act, which she did not expect. Then I called her niece and told her this would be my last day. Within the hour three cars descended on the driveway, all her family, begging me to stay. I said it was up to her, dementia or no dementia. Then we all went inside, I told her she had a choice. Either she starts behaving like a loving human being or I would be gone forever. She liked me from the start and thought I would bow and scrape to her meanness and her demands, but she found out differently. She promised to reform. So I stayed for three years until I had to quit and stay home to care for my own husband who had just been diagnosed with dementia.

I take the same philosophy with him. Dementia or no dementia, they comprehend far more than we give them credit for. They even learn to say "I'm sorry when they offend." All a caregiver has to do is lower the boom. They are not as helpless in the upper story as we have been made to believe.
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If they are verbally abusive, get out. Nobody should be subjected to abuse. You can't rationalize with them, they don't care if they insult, degrade or disrespect you. Run. Find another job, there are plenty old people who need help and a good worker is hard to find.
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Generally, in my experience, when an elderly person is uncomfortable or not feeling well they can say inappropriate things. Abusive or not, I would contact the persons Physician and alert them to this change. Allow the Doctor to run some simple tests like urinalysis and bloodwork, etc. You may find that there is a medical reason why the elderly persons mental status has changed.
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Tell her in your most friendly voice. You are here to help her anyway you can and you don't want to do anything to hurt her. But you can't do your job if she keeps being verbally abusive. Also if you can talk to a family member of hers it might help you can understand her better. You might find out that she is starting the stages of dementia.
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Mom has dementia and my son ani care for her ..we r all very close but lastfew days mom has been very cold aactually down rt rude to my son when I ask her why ,she doesn't say anything but if I say u don't like him 2dY she says yes I do....
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Sandy, if you are caring for your parent and your parent is abusive, I'd look into every possible Avenue to get parent outside help. First, a geriatric psychiatrist to see if dementia and depression are present. I'd look for adult day care, assisted living, and other outside care. I'd take care of my own mental health issues. I'd also walk out of the room EVERY SINGLE TIME the abuse started. No, dementia patients don't learn from this. But I'm not going to listen to it.
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Also, I'd comment that if this aide isn't formally certified, to begin working toward that goal now so s/he will have more power in their life to choose the kinds of clients to work with. To echo other comments, tell her she does have the right to make requests and comments, but they all must be phrased professionally, the undesirable language is dishonor for the speaker as well as the target.
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Agree with Babalou if you can't set boundaries look for a new job. When you interview make sure the expected wage is spelled out and agreed to.
To a certain extent she is right you are the caregiver, she pays so has a right to expect things to be done a certain way. however you do not have to take abuse however much someone is paying you. I don't know wher you are situated but there a laws about minimum wage. plus you would count as a household employee and she should be pay things like worman's comp and unemployment insurance. now I realize most privately employed caregivers do work on a cash basis and without legal with holdings but that is something you can hold over her providing of course you yourself report your earnings. It is a jungle out there. Does the lady have some form of dementia or is she just plain mean. Sounds like it is time for you to move on.
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What if its your own parent and your the only caretaker? Contantly out of moments of anger lashing out how you were a troubled child and now its my turn to put up with them...
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Caregiver should quit and let client know why.
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