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The headline says it all. I took care of my charming but abusive mother for 8 years. She worked only a few years, so she had no SS to speak of, so I worked 2-3 jobs. I would have done well for myself, but every penny went to medical expenses, private caregivers so I could leave her to go to work, and anything Mom wanted.


My own health issues often went untreated. My health is damaged now.


Recently, through a scam from a major company, I lost half what was left of my life savings, which was very little. I am facing living in my car, or rehoming my pets and sleeping on friends' couches. I have little left. Health gone, savings gone.


DON'T DO IT. I won't even be alive next year unless a miracle happens. Get out! If your parents cared for you, they wouldn't want you sick, broke, broken, and soon, dead. And if they didn't care for you, why sacrifice yourself?


I did, and now I am paying the price.

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This is the situation I feel that I am facing. My moms been here almost a year and I will have to spend several hundred dollars to repair things. Single mom, finally getting on my feet and headed in an upward trajectory after divorce 3 years ago. Then this. And now I am miserable again because when I come home from long work hours, I find food left out to spoil, broken or thrown out household items, and arguments/justifications every time I nicely remind her to wear a mask, stay distanced, not slam my doors (one door’s hinges stripped already, dryer handle ripped off), and please don’t indoctrinate my child into your religion! Then there are the times I’m not so nice...doesn’t turn out any better. So I work 60 hours a week and then come home to more stress than there is at work. This thread has helped me decide that I will not be having my mom here any longer. Taking action tomorrow.
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Yup. Don't let your parent's failure to plan turn into your plan to fail.
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Got that right Don't do it at .....am 42 virgin and mentally illed ......spent 30 years and plus years putting my mom first before myself and happiness ........I had a girlfriend wish I could get back..........don't even know how to drive..........while she's in hospital I have to visit every day while her wife gets to work and continue to live her life.........nothing in this world is worth your happiness and your existence.......so take it from me DoOoooooooooooooooooooooooont ever do it...... Live your life for yourself and happiness nothing matters more than yourself.........now all I wanna do is live once and enjoy life............ Live for yourself and your happiness nothing more
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ZippyZee Oct 2020
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FONN-0uoTHI
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This is a heart wrenching experience but I am so glad that you posted it here. It needs to be carefully evaluated by everyone who is at the care giving decision point. Particularly relevant points are taking care of your own health and not spending on own funds for your parent's care. Not sure where you are and because I'm really bad at navigating this site, can't find out your age but I will try to think of some places where you could get help at least for the pets and PM you.
If my prayers and good thoughts will help, know that you have them!
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Do you belong to a church?
If not, seek help from your local church. Sounds like counseling might help. A decent church might offer
monies to assist you too. You did what you did to be helpful and caring. Spend time in prayer. Ask the local church for help. Living in your car is not the answer. You will get help. Forgive yourself too. You sound angry wuth yourself. You are loving and caring. Love yourself now.
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ZippyZee Oct 2020
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This post and some of the responses are an excellent example of not knowing your caregiving limits. We all think that it is our responsibilty to care for our LO at home until one of us dies! Caregiving does not mean sacrificing your own physical and mental health. Whether it's a parent or a spouse (primarily spouse), the responsibility we do have is to insure their welbeing w/o jeapordizing ours. There is so much guilt in “letting go” that we continue to care at the expense of our sanity. Emotions/feelings like depression, hopelessness, despair are a result of over extending oneself in caregiving. Some caregivers even contemplate suicide! As a caregiver you do not need to put up with verbal or physical abuse from your LO(?). You need to be honest with yourself and realize you've reached your limit and it's time to find your LO a new “home”. Dementia is more life altering to the caregiver than to the LO because the caregiver's life goes on. Certainly guilt and grief may follow, but realize you've done the right thing to dispel the guilt. Overcoming grief may take a while, and we all grieve differently, but with the proper action on your part, that, too, will be resolved. One positive feeling will be that of relief, knowing you can resume a normal life.

Too bad I didn't know all this when I cared for my wife. I, too, went beyond my limits and was treated for depression. I, too, felt the effects of placing my wife in MC. I felt a sense of relief, however, more than guilt, knowing she was somewhere where her disease was understood and where she was safe (she was a wanderer). I experienced grief, but took the action on my part to overcome it. 2 ½ yrs later I still may have a sad moment, but I'm back to enjoying life.

So be honest with yourself... know your limits. Make the tough decision to both properly care for yourself and your LO, despite their reaction. And please, don't be afraid to be a caregiver, but know when to say “I give up”!!
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I wouldn't be taking care of a Mom or Dad if they were Abusive.
But, I think if you had loving parents and you like them then when the time comes and they need you. You should
step up if there is any way possible.

If they're Abusive then I would check them into a home.
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I am honest with anyone who asks my advice on being a parent's caregiver: it will often destroy your relationship with that parent and that destruction often bleeds over into other family relationships as well. I've been my mother's only caregiver since moving in with her over 6 1/2 years ago. She has dementia. I've taken over all of her expenses except for her rent, and that takes all of her monthly $900 Social Security check. Everything else - from her meds to her co-pays, from groceries to all the bills, from newspapers to magazine subscriptions, and everything else basically - is on me. My older siblings have both died otherwise I'd have help with her. My younger brother is alive (I assume) and the moment I told him I had to have financial help with her he disappeared. That was 4 years ago. Not a phone call to her, not a Christmas or birthday card or gift, not a Mother's Day gift or call or card - absolutely nothing. So while I do know siblings' relationships can be strained and/or destroyed, my relationship with my brother has never been particularly close and, after the way he's acted these last few years, I'm good with that distance. But other familial relationships have been either hurt or totally destroyed.

Mostly, it's been my relationship with my mother that's taken the most hits. I no longer have a good relationship with her and that's not entirely due to her dementia. I do not believe a child can become their parent's "parent" without damage being done to the parent-child relationship.

My mother tells me she hates me regularly. She's called me an idiot, stupid, a liar, a b**** for reasons such as my not allowing her to feed the pets our groceries, not allowing her to take all the towels out of the bathroom and sleep on and under them, not allowing her to leave the house to go to her mom's house (my grandmother had been dead for almost 28 years and her house was in a different state 2700 miles away), not allowing her to rummage through my daughter's food when we're at her house babysitting my granddaughter, not allowing her to hide cooked food in the desk drawers, not allowing her to put frozen dinners in the cabinet to "thaw," not allowing her to loosen all the lightbulbs instead of simply turning the lights off - and this is just a fraction of the reasons she gives for hating me. Although I never really expected gratitude - my mother has a deep, ingrained sense of entitlement - the fact that the only times she DOES say thank you to me us when she's being sarcastic has become a big thing for me.

Since taking on this role I have become just as isolated as she is, people have all slowly disappeared over the years. I can go for days on end with the only human voice I hear is hers either insulting me or saying things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I've lost all sense of home and I miss my home so much it's like grieving a death. I cannot work outside of the house so I no longer have a normal job, I freelance from home and have worked between 3-5 jobs at the same time since 2015. All my money goes to this house, these bills, those expenses, and in return the food I buy is wasted, I'm insulted and I have to deal with a mom who hates me. Many things have happened to me, devastating and traumatizing things, that I'd normally turn to my mom with but I no longer have a mom to turn to.

And now, after all these years telling myself there's hope for me to have my life back one day, holding on to that possibility desperately, I'm faced with a possible serious, serious attack on my own physical health. So it now looks like these hard, painful, lonely, miserable years spent in this depressing house dealing with a very spiteful, mean woman who looks like my mother, may be my last. And that thought rips me up inside. Trying to be both caregiver and daughter has resulted in my not being able to be much of either.

I don't recommend it.
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mally1 Sep 2020
So your mom should be in MC, paid by her funds and Medicaid, and now she may very well end up there because you won't be able to care for her. Perhaps you should get her moved ASAP, so that you have a better chance at life, or at least, a better life? You're going on my prayer list now, God bless you, alpr....
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Same here. I am going to psych. hospital today,to try to find.myself again. I will let you know in a month,what helped in NH..
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Don’t you wish there was a rewind button so we could decide different decisions?

How many of us can relate to Cher singing, ‘If I could turn back time’? I know that I definitely would not have stayed being a caregiver for as long as I did, at least not a ‘hands on’ caregiver. It truly does rob us of our own lives when the circumstances become too much for us to handle.

Why on earth do some of us feel that we can take on the massive responsibility that takes a staff at a facility? I have asked myself this a million times over and have never come up with a good answer.

I love my mom but I have no guilt in being able to say that I am glad being a caregiver is behind me.

For all of you still feeling trapped or confused take it from me and others who finally let go to find the strength to let go and let others fill when we have done more than our share.

I used to feel that I was strong for holding on but sometimes the real strength is in letting go.
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Respect2honor Sep 2020
Yours is a heartfelt post and this, in particular, speaks volumes, "I used to feel that I was strong for holding on but sometimes the real strength is in letting go."
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The best response I came up with for an 'abusive' mother who threatened suicide over EVERYTHING that upset her (primarily the 6 of us kids who had the temerity to be BORN and ruin her life)..."Ok, mom, go ahead and kill yourself, In fact, PLEASE DO! Just don't leave a mess, OK?"

She shut up like a clam and she never threatened suicide to me again. This was said to her on my 30th birthday--when she had told me to run by her house as she had a gift for me. What a great gift.

My whole childhood was governed by the fear that I would walk in the house after school one day and find her dead and it would be'my fault'. What a rotten way to control kids.

She's also held my 'inheritance' over my head all my life. I stand to inherit $9,825. Oh, and I 'owe' her trust $1500. It's so hard to get past these not-so-subtle stabs in the back.
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Beatty Oct 2020
I think on the scale of control & manipulation, someone threatening self-harm to get their way has to be the very top. I am so sorry this was your experience.

Whether some dodgy gene caused this or they learnt it from their parents - I don't know.

But you are a survivor. Thank goodness you can now choose how you respond to her.

Some people say to look past your childhood parent & have a relationship with the elder that is now in front of you. But I've mostly found old leopards still have the same spots.
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I just posted a response that may have been off the mark as I thought your mom is still alive. But after looking at your story, perhaps your mom had passed already. I pray for your recovery financially. And thank you for sharing your story.
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HopefulD,
Sorry for you that you have survived so much, but I believe you will recover. Mainly because I think you are resourceful and now have insight that you are being manipulated by her. Change your response to this manipulation and not only will you feel good for regaining control over your choice to engage or not engage but you will set her back a bit and maybe change the dynamic.
You can't live her life for her, you must live your own and let her figure hers out.
Even if living her life out is in a skilled nursing place. Don't feel guilt if you can't handle her on your own. She is just doing what she knows how to do to get what she perceives she needs. You don't have to play her game. You need to take that life God gave you and create your future.
I can relate what to you are going through and I hope my words encourage you. Be selfish for your own good and don't second guess that choice. Things will get better for you when you choose you first.
God bless,
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Your post is somewhat relatable for us. My mother in law has been verbally abusive to my husband for 54 years. Had said things to him that no mother should ever say to a child. He is damaged but he keeps trying to move forward.
I am so sorry to hear about your health issues and stress. Praying for a miracle for you.
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mally1 Sep 2020
Has he gone no contact with her yet? I'm down to one visit a week, and several phone calls.... helps so much!
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If a scam, you should get a Lawyer to help znd if you hzve no money, there are free Lawyers
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mally1 Sep 2020
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HopefulD, thank you for sharing your story. People need to hear this!! I am so sorry everything you went through. Lealonnie, please keep stepping back. Your mom is in memory care and is being taken care of. Good for you for telling your mom about going on vacation for 10 days. You need a break. You don’t need to talk to her every day!!! Once a week is plenty!! I stepped back and only talk to my mother once a week. I got this advice from people on this forum to step back and not take care of her. Your mother is well taken care of in memory care. Step away.
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What a horrible story! So sorry for you. I pray you can get back on your feet again, somehow! There must be resources out there for you somewhere. I don't live in the States but I hope that there is someone on here who may be able to lead you in the right direction. I'll really pray for you.

Having said that, taking care of my mom didn't ruin my life. It was hard. I probably wouldn't ever do it for someone who I didn't love with all my heart but I am one of the walking stronger and not the walking wounded. Taking care of mom was a role I was meant for I think and I would do it again (for her) but probably no one else.
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Too bad you weren't here sooner. Assumption is your mother was married at some point (of course maybe she wasn't.) If that marriage lasted at least 10 years, she might have been able to collect more SS. If they were married that long, it is a shame you didn't know about this - it could've helped save some of your savings. So, for others facing anything similar, check with SS:

"You are eligible to collect spousal benefits on your former wife’s or husband’s earnings record as long as:
*The marriage lasted at least 10 years.
*You have not remarried.
*You are at least 62 years of age.
*Your ex-spouse is entitled to collect Social Security retirement or disability benefits. 
Your former spouse doesn't have to be collecting his or her retirement benefits yet for you to claim ex-spousal benefits. However, if this is the case, the divorce must be at least two years old. (There is no such requirement if your ex is already receiving benefits.)
The most you can collect in divorced-spouse benefits is 50 percent of your former mate's primary insurance amount — the monthly payment he or she is entitled to at full retirement age (currently 66 but gradually rising to 67 over the next several years). You can get that maximum if you file for benefits when you reach full retirement age, if you claim earlier, the benefit amount is reduced."

Under full retirement age it is, as noted above, a reduced amount (already reduced as you would only get a %age of what the spouse was entitled to), but ANYONE retiring and collecting SS before FRA will get a reduced amount.

As for your situation now - I don't know what agencies you would want to check with, but there must be some that can provide assistance. You don't want to sit and pray, waiting for someone to bring assistance to you, you'll have to seek it. SSI (62 or over, BUT it does help those with disabilities too), food stamps, unemployment (if you lost your job), any housing assistance, etc. There's no indication of your ages, but assumption again is that you are under retirement age. If you are without a job, can you try to secure one, even a low paying one for now? Although a friend may take you in, you have concern for some animals. Would any of your friends cut you some slack, temporarily, to allow you some space for them too? If not, perhaps check locals shelters and see if there are any that could take yours in temporarily until you can get squared away. If you have some funds still, offer to pay for their food and needed care. Set up visit schedules with them - maybe volunteer with them, so you can watch over your babes.

Your time and suffering with your mother is now behind you. Let it go and think positively, reach for the future and set reasonable goals for getting a job, finding shelter, getting whatever financial assistance you can, etc. Be proactive. If you focus on all the negative that is behind you, it WILL drain you. Let that all go and focus on what you CAN accomplish!
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HopefulD Sep 2020
Most days, I focus on the positive. This was posted to give people pause who are being pressured to sacrifice and sacrifice. I have three jobs. It does not pay enough to pay for a major repair on the house. My state has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country. Looking right now for better paying work to replace one of my lower-paying jobs.
My parents were only married 5 years. Mom was supported by her parents after that, and we were on food stamps when I was little for a while.
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I am so sorry! I hope that you will get the care that you deserve and need.
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Lealonnie,

I hope you will feel better soon. Enjoy your vacation! It is well deserved.

You are so smart not to want your mom living with you. Trust me when I say that I was cracking up when mom lived with us. It’s just too hard. Even if there is no narcissistic ways or other mental health issues it’s a huge burden. Narcissism would make it a million times harder!

People are sometimes reluctant to use the word ‘burden’ but it is the truth.
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lealonnie1 Sep 2020
Thanks NHWM..........but, it's not a real vacation.............we're not going anywhere, just telling mom that so I can have a BREAK from all the daily phone calls and negativity she floods me with! LOL. She makes it clear on a daily basis that she wants me to stay OUT of her life and decisions, so that's what I'm DOING. Staying AWAY.
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Point well taken. I had surgery on Monday and have been trying to recuperate but having trouble. My stomach is on the blink AGAIN, thanks in part to my 93 y/o mother who makes it her life's work to drive me crazy. I arrived at a decision yesterday: I'm stepping BACK from ALL of it, letting HER make her OWN decisions now in the Memory Care ALF where she lives. I've had all I can take and I can take no more, as Popeye would say. As an only child, I've been burdened down with trying to deal with both of my parents for my whole entire life, and it's taken a large toll on me. Dad passed in 2015 and my narcissistic mother is still alive and kicking, even HAPPIER now that her DH of 68 years is gone. Oh, and she threatens suicide ALL the time but at the first mention of hospice, she had a total MELTDOWN. Typical behavior for a theatrical liar who loves to keep everyone jumping at her every whim. DH and I are 'going on vacation' for the next 10 days where there 'won't be phone service' so I can get a well needed break from ALL of her horrible behaviors. I can't even imagine having her living with me in my house...........I'd rather shoot myself. Literally.

I hope and pray that you can find a way out of the situation you're in right now and don't wind up living in your car. I hope and pray you can find a way to take care of YOURSELF now and to put the histrionics of your mother's drama OUT of your mind and life entirely. Wishing you all the very best of luck, dear woman.
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HopefulD Sep 2020
Praying for you, too. Any way you can "lose" your phone on vacation and not find it again for a while after the trip?
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Thank you for.being so candid. My husband worked really hard and tried to insure my life after him would not be sad or difficult.
.I will not sacrifice all the effort he made by taking care of him myself alone when it destroys everything he worked for .
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Your post and life experience is more helpful than you will ever know. I don’t have any answers, but I am praying for the right people to help you and your situation. You are a good person, deserve so much more than this and need genuine support and guidance. Please know, as awful as your situation has been, you are a wake-up call for many. Thank you so much for telling your story. Again, I’m praying for assistance to come to you.
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HopefulD Sep 2020
That was the goal in posting this. Friends tried to talk sense into me at the time; hoping someone will listen more than I did.
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Wow...many people can learn a great deal from your posting. Caregiving truly is not sacrificing our own lives.

I hope you receive your miracle. I hate the thought of you being homeless.

Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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This is an awful story, and I am so dreadfully sorry to hear this.
I think that your warning is very well delivered. I cannot imagine what people are thinking when they, often well toward or even in their middle yeas, are putting out money that they may well need. And we do hear of scheme most often designed to save "inheritances" and "homes" that end up only doing hard to all involved.
You can do a good deal of good just with posting your experiences here. Please take care.
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HopefulD Sep 2020
Oh yes, that was how Mom justified demanding things like having me call out of work to take her to an appointment she would then cancel, or screaming at me as I lay on the floor in agony from a ruined spine, because I had the temerity to fall after working a 16-hour day. I would get the house! But if you have no way to pay repairs and taxes, you're just as homeless soon. After I told her I didn't need the house if this was the price, she would threaten suicide to keep me entangled.
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