Follow
Share

My husband and I care for an 88 year old woman who has no immediate family. We have health and financial POA and have had for years. She is in an unsafe environment and needs help. She has severe health problems and recently has had severe short-term memory loss. She is also a hoarder and lives in an unsanitary home with many animals. We try our best to help keep her and her home clean but are fighting a losing battle. She is extremely independent and WILL NOT discuss assisted living because she refuses to leave all her animals. I go with her to doctor appointments as she cannot understand or remember what the doctor tells her and the doctor is extremely worried about her living alone. We try to tell her that if someone (postal worker etc) saw her living conditions and reported her to Social Services, she would likely lose her home and her animals and be forced to move. She tells us that if we force her to do something she doesn't want she will "cut us off" meaning her will. We have been named in her will and investment accounts as recipients when she dies. It has been this way since long before the dementia started. We spend many, many hours a week caring for her and will be left caring for the many animals when she does pass, which is why she wanted the money to go to us. A few months ago, a distant (elderly) cousin had her go to a new attorney and sign documents signing everything over to him......when we let them know how much care she needs and asked if they would provide that care, they cancelled the paperwork and left things the way they were. How can we help her further within the limits of the law? We do NOT feel she is mentally competent to make these decisions for herself. She has fallen for several monetary scams, losing several thousand dollars each time but yet still falls for every "you've won a new car and a million dollars" scam she gets in the mail. She cannot understand that these mailings are simply a way to cheat her. We aren't in it for the money....we want her to be in a safe and clean environment. Any money we would receive would go towards rehoming all the animals and likely having her home demolished. We need to know what we can do legally to get her help.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
It sounds like you have a vhoice here...safe OR happy. One excludes the other.

I would find out from a lawyer where your legal responsibility as POA lies. And then be guided by your conscience.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I wouldn't necessarily agree that the woman has a choice to live the way she pleases, particularly since hoarding behaviors are not stable or healthy ones and aren't guided by rational, healthy decisions.

However, the animals do not choose to live that way and their health is endangered.

The least that can be done is to call ASPCA and remove most of the animals before they die of disease and miserable deaths.

And decide if you really want to be the recipients of her assets and continue to be involved in a very unhealthy situation. A hoarding environment isn't safe for visitors either.

You're not going to be able to change it; do you really want to be exposed to that environment?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I meant that IN THIS CASE, the choice seems to be between the woman's happiness and her safety. Not in general.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I don't see how she is capable of caring for the animals. What if social services and animal control showed up to investigate without your name coming up? They could insist things change and she would have no reason to blame you. If she had no choice, she may have to let the animals go. It's going to be a rough road though. I would make sure it's worth it. It sounds like a lot of work for something that may not have a good outcome. It's not likely she is going to do anything willingly, so it may involve court orders and having things done against her will. I'm not sure I could hang in there, especially with her threats.

Has she been diagnosed with dementia or is this more of a hoarding case? If she has dementia that prevents her from caring for herself, she may have to use her assets to pay for care, since she won't be able to live alone. It's good that she has you to be her advocate, but it's often a two edged sword.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This will not be a popular response. She needs to stay in her home with all her animals. You say she has been this way since long before the dementia started. She has chosen to live in an "unsanitary" house with lots of animals. The dementia has nothing to do with this. You are saints for helping her and doing what you can to clean her house. If she were torn away from her animals and sent to assisted living, she would live and die in clean clothes and in a clean room, but she would be miserably unhappy.

Many people fall for the mail frauds you describe, or those frauds wouldn't keep operating. Try to help her avoid falling for more scams-- remind her what happened the last time, even though she won't remember.
She is entitled to live in the way she has chosen, even if it's not the choice most of us would make.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If you have financial POA you can simply put in a change of address at the post office and have all her mail come to you, where you can sort it. We did that with my mother-in-law and are always glad when see advertisements come to her that would tempt her.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If she has no long term care insurance, putting her in assisted living or nursing home will wipe her out financially and her will won't mean anything because there will be nothing left to leave. She will also be miserable for the rest of her days. The POA does not mean you are personally responsible for her well-being, that would be a guardianship, I think. I am not a lawyer, but you might want to consult with one and have them look over the will and POA.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Private, DNC really doesn't stop a lot of the harassment and scammers - they just ignore the law!

From what I've read, it does help to report each unwanted call though as it provides evidence for prosecution, and some of these telemarketers have actually been taken down.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I agree with gardenartist in that hoarding is a disease. If left untreated like anything else, illnesses from bacteria, dust, pollen, fleas, you name it can take a person down and they don't know it until it's too late. She might think she is taking care of the animals but we all know they need a lot of attention to be healthy house pets and a part of your family. Going to court might be your only option to declare her mentally incompetent and to get her out of the house. One of my best friends mother had to be placed in a home (alz/dem) but she fought it every step of the way because she didn't want to leave her wonderful cat that she had had for years. By the time she got there and got settled she didn't even remember she had a cat. Chances are that's what would happen here. She will go someplace, she will get acclimated (as my mother did) and forget about the animals because she will have other things to obsess about. One thing I would try to do is get the mail away from her. Find out when the mail gets there and take out all the scams. My dad STILL thinks he's going to win the 25,000 a year from readers digest along with that new car. And he DOESN'T have dementia!! I would hate to see if he did. But get that mail away from her. How does she pay her bills? Or do you? Good Luck and God Bless
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You may not want to hear this, but what I'm going to share is actually the truth. Another thing to be concerned about besides everything else mentioned here is this lady's home being a fire hazard just from what you described. You really should warn her that if the Fire Chief ever came in and saw her house that he would most likely "flip his lid." If things don't change on her part, perhaps you can have a little talk with the Fire Chief and bring him through her house. Taking precautions now will most likely save her life later and prevent an unnecessary house fire. What do you feel awful if she died in a house fire and you know the conditions of that house? I know that any caring, conscientious person would never want someone else's blood on their hands by saying and doing nothing when it's in their power to do so. It's very hard to take the initiative, especially when you happen to be the only key to get the ball rolling. Many times peoplego to great lengths to avoid getting involved until they feel the pressure of being the only key to getting the right thing done. This is why it's up to you to alert the fire chief of the fire hazard. If you want to, you can try to remain anonymous even if she figures out you told on her. What I did when a friend of mine figured out that I told about his situation was just to play it off like I didn't know anything, like I didn't know what he was talking about. What I did was to shift the blame on to him when he asked me what I did to him. I shifted the question to ask him what he did. I further explained that if he did something that I wanted no part of it, no matter what it is he did. I then asked him what he did. He then tried to scare me by threatening me with a certain person who I was not scared of. I later had a real bad dream about this person being aggressive, but I took it as a warning and so far nothing ever came of it. When you must secretly report something, be sure to request anonymity.
Anyway, between you and the Fire Chief, you can both contact APS and you'll probably need to share as much information as absolutely possible about this particular lady. What I learned when I had to make a report in my own town is that they can't do anything without enough information to go on, so you'll need to gather everyone to know something to contribute to a report that can really get the ball moving to resolve these particular issues. Perhaps someone can get her in-home care like nurses and an aid, both of who can come in to help her. There are specific programs for the elderly that gives them free food. The one in my particular town is called the passport program. Every two weeks food is delivered to those recipients. I'm not sure if the in-home care is included in that passport program, but I know that the food definitely is. If it's later discovered that this lady needs more care than what she can get outside of a facility, she may have no other choice but to have someone take guardianship of her and force her into a facility. I already saw this happen to one person, and he was not even on our local passport program when this happened. In fact, he wasn't even getting in-home care like my elderly friend was. Both of those people eventually we're forced into nursing homes to get the care they needed. I know that this is very sad to remove the independence and mobility from our elders, but when they're clearly a danger to themselves and others, this is when it's time to intervene.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this is life and this is exactly what happens around here. Furthermore, this is most likely what also happens everywhere in the US when people can no longer care for themselves.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter