Without being heartless to my 87 year old domineering mother that lives with me, how can I feel like I have some say so in my own home?

Identifying your own attitude is a good step forward. Change is in your hands but having allowed yourself to be manipulated for so long will mean you have some work to do - to get everyone else to accept a change.
Write yourself a job plan and some rules. Things you are happy to do and things you are NOT going to do, any more. Tell them what your plans are. Be firm. Factor in things for you, times for you and find solutions for covering your absence where necessary. Treat it like a new lease of life when you have energy and a detox when you don't! So many of us have been there! Look after yourself - you are worth it and DON'T be guilt tripped!

YUP...sounds familiar...whether it's "What I'm wearing", or that nothing is ever "Clean enough" or the condition of your hair, or whether you are wearing any earrings or not, etc.etc....stupid, idiotic stuff....I too appreciate time by myself, and most of it, is through online volunteer work...sorry I wish I had advice for you, but you sound like my soul sister....she nit picks at everything...every single thing...it's "her way or the highway"...yup, right now I wish my father were still alive...he was a kind, gentle soul who also had to deal with her crap and that of my sisters...(Who is a little version of MOMMY) she's always gotta get her approval....ridiculous. Sorry for rambling...I know how you feel.

You are not heartless to enjoy some time to yourself or to do things to your liking!
You can only continue to be mistreated if you allow it. Pick a few things to do your way and some time to yourself and DO it.
Your mother is probably in “self-preservation mode”. She has probably lost a lot of her freedom and control to whatever health situations has brought her to live with you. Her manipulation of you helps her feel like she is in control. Don’t feel like you have to tell her every move you make! If she can be alone for short periods of time, for example, say “ I will be back in an hour” and LEAVE. No need to explain- or say “ I’m running an errand” and LEAVE for a break. If she pitches a fit say “hey, i just said I’ll be back in an hour”. Let her KNOW you have a life too because trust me people in self preservation mode have NO concern for others- it just isn’t on their brain. Remind her if needed.
If she can’t be alone for a short time then hire help to sit with her. They work for YOU and and she doesn’t get a say. If she can go to adult day care occasionally, DO IT.
Get some time for yourself and don’t fall for the guilt trip that either you or she has laid on yourself already. It really is up to YOU. (FYI, SHE pays for the sitter, daycare, etc if at all possible!)
enjoy yourself!

Houseseeker 2, sorry to hear how your mother is dominating your life in your own home. I have first hand experience of this. My mother has lived with us for 10 years. For the first 5 years she did nothing - no cleaning, cooking or any other housework, spending her time shopping for herself and being mean about me to anyone who would listen. After becoming quite ill with exhaustion and anxiety, I gradually took back control of my life, planning out each week what I needed to do (essential house management stuff as well as me-time) and gave her a few weekly responsibilities to do around the house. She didn’t like it but I was firm about this. Last year my father was very ill and died after 3 months (they both divorced and remarried decades ago so she wasn’t particularly concerned but I was devastated). At this point I ordered several months worth of ready meals of the sorts of things I knew she liked, and told her she could feed herself what she liked and when she liked, freeing me up so I didn’t always have to be at home in time to do meals at exactly the same time each day, or spending time cooking when I had no appetite myself due to being bereaved. She didn’t like this either but again I was firm. I had become a prisoner in my own home, hardly ever able to go out without being criticised for not taking her with me. One year later we are sticking to this arrangement. I know that what stopped me doing this years ago was emotional blackmail and guilt. I also used to worry about what she might say about me to other people, but I’ve realised there’s nothing I can do about this either. I would suggest you try and follow some of these ideas - you are entitled to a life of your own and if your mother is living with you she needs to fit in with you, not crush your life to suit her own needs. You deserve a life of your own.

Dear Housekeeper2

Often elders feel scared and afraid , Where they used to have their youth and everything going for them they slowly feel as though they have no powers. They tend to hurt them closest to them in frustration.
We dealt with all kinds of issues from smearing campaigns to humiliation, in the end you have to set firm boundaries or the behaviour just continues and can lure you into all kinds of legal disputes.

The smear campaigns are hurtful when you find out that the person you love so much and have dedicated your life too has been gaslighting and smearing you, still you put up and shut up. Unfortunately, this is a very hard situation for anyone to be in, but we do continue to survive the life walking on eggshells.

Firm boundaries is the answer and share n care with another, between you the smear campaigns and triangulation games must be ignored and avoided at all costs so you can effectively care for a person who exhibits such signs.

My Husband and I worked well as a team to get our Mom safe, secure and her home taken of, we did this because we love her not for anything in return, but the bribes, emotional abuse gets to you after a while. You learn from others of the embarrassing hurtful and soul destroying things being said to others. It was through talking to a therapist I learned about this condition and learned the triangulation game had been a life-long habit to separate siblings from a young age,

I become a target even though I put up and shut up. I had the most admirable love and respect for my MIL for all my married life but the things I learned made me more aware in the end to set firm boundaries to safe my marriage from harms way. I look on the bright side and am grateful i learned about this condition to help me through life and others subject to this abuse.

We treated our Mom like a queen showering with gifts, limousines on her birthdays taking her to the best shows and fine dining, still but if she did not get her way, there was a storm in a teacup.

its hard, its very emotional this time Of our parents lives, but still boundaries are important and share the care for time out is the answers, remember, if you are not well you cannot take care of them!

keep up the good work its not easy!

you are not alone! Hope this helps you

Clearly you have not set boundaries in a firm and gentle manner.
If you play the Martyred Saint then the person will use you as one. By that I mean they will happily shoot you full of arrows, sending you to your death, then praying to you for eternity to fix everything. Bad job description. I wouldn't be applying.
In all likelihood you were raised for this by Ms. Heartless and dominating. But you are a grownup now. It is time to learn to set limits to protect yourself. We here are no therapists, so a bit powerless to guide you down a road, but we can sit you at the fork in the road where you will choose to go on as you are (and you realize where that has gotten) or you choose another road for yourself that leads to a happy life. The choice is yours.

It’s not all that easy to get out of a pattern you have been for much of your life. I’d seek counseling so you can work with a professional one on one to help you build the skills you need to make a change. It’s unlikely your mother will change in the way she acts or treats you at this point in her life. I’d work towards getting her settled elsewhere. You are the captain of your own ship. Enjoy your life now,

Dear Houseseeker2,
I use to be just like you well into adulthood. It wasn't until my mid-30's (I'm almost 58 now) that I LEARNED how to say "no" and try to do that without feeling the need to give an explanation (unless you really want to or feel the situation warrants one) because that weakens it. I can tell you firsthand it is so freeing and liberating. There's a saying - "When in Rome do as the Romans do" - so that means when she is living in your home, she needs to abide by the rules you set. As others here have said, it's all about boundaries - you need them, we all need them - kind of like your personal space in some ways. Is it easy? NO - but, with practice it gets easier. Try it with small issues and move on from there. I have always been interested in what makes people tick and enjoyed reading self-improvement books. In those books, the author or authors would tell you everything about the topic except the "how" to part. The best book I ever read was "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Their writing is excellent and covers every type of relationship there is. This tells me we need boundaries in all areas of our life and in all types of relationships including family. It's the first book that gave practical ways to implement "boundary setting". You will be "happier" and you will feel like the adult you're supposed to have become. At this stage in my life, I've been thinking about how much time I have wasted trying to be a "people pleaser" - not one of those people are even in my life today which makes it all the more of a waste. I was brought up to be a peacemaker especially with my half sister who was 15 years older than myself and from my mom's first marriage. I never lived with her - thankfully, but when she would come to visit, I was expected to be the little adult while she was the big child - that meant keeping the peace at all costs. She was the one I learned how to set boundaries with to the point I had to cut all ties with her as there was no reasoning or healthy discussions with her - she was what you may hear people call "toxic". Just reading your brief description of her in your "question" makes me wonder if she has a personality disorder like NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder - you can look it up online and take a quiz to see if that describes your mother). Please realize at 87 your mom is not going to change therefore, you need to be the one to make the changes as to how you react or respond. Will she like it? No but, you need to hold your ground and she will be thrown off balance because she is so accustomed to you going along with everything she wants. It's like a mobile toy you put above a baby's crib - if you take just one of the parts and move it, the other parts get out of balance. Another explanation for her behavior is simply that as some people age, they can become like children again or some just never grew up to begin with. Wishing you the best!

I had no problem standing up to my mom (she has borderline personality disorder) when we were both younger. It’s difficult when the parent is elderly and needs assistance. They are physically weaker. It threw me for a loop.

What helps is to set boundaries when the parent is being unreasonable & manipulative (for example, has a crying fit when you say you’re going somewhere with friends). Ignore the tears & go. Don’t reason with her or explain. It takes practice.

This didn’t work with my mother due to her personality disorder. It’s kind of like dementia on steroids. I left and have not seen her for a month.

Be prepared that setting boundaries may not have the intended affect with her. The best to you.

She will make any attempt at you being a grown woman out to be that you are heartless to her.

You are not the little girl that she trained to jump through her hoops and take her abuse. You are a grown woman, who has generously given her a place to live. Stand up for this FACT. if she doesn't like it and I would bet money that she won't, you can tell her that she is free to find a place that she can be the mistress of the house, but as long as she lives under YOUR roof, you are the mistress and she is a guest.

You may have to deal with being a bit heartless to get her to stop treating you like her scratching post.

Why not find a facility for your mother? You said you retired last year. Why not retire and do things you enjoy. Travel, volunteer, find a hobby. Your mother could easily live to 100. You don’t need to be her caretaker for the rest of her life. Learn to live yours. Now.

Why are you letting your mother have all the power? Why haven’t you learned to say ‘no’? Saying what you want is NOT heartless! Go to Care Topics, on the top right hand side of the page. ‘Boundaries’ isn’t on the alphabetic list, so search for it by typing 'boundaries' on top of the magnifying glass at the top. There is a huge amount of information about this on the site. Please start your own ‘therapy’ by reading the site – free and at home!

Counter question: Why are you allowing a heartless, domineering 87 year old mother to live in your home?