I have been easily manipulated my entire life. Spent much of my time trying to make those around me happier than I ever could make myself. I appreciate time by myself, but don’t get more than an hour or so at a time a couple times a year.
If something isn’t important to my mother then it isn’t important. If something isn’t valuable to her then it has no value.
There is just too much stuff I could elaborate on but I just couldn’t explain it.
You are not the little girl that she trained to jump through her hoops and take her abuse. You are a grown woman, who has generously given her a place to live. Stand up for this FACT. if she doesn't like it and I would bet money that she won't, you can tell her that she is free to find a place that she can be the mistress of the house, but as long as she lives under YOUR roof, you are the mistress and she is a guest.
You may have to deal with being a bit heartless to get her to stop treating you like her scratching post.
What helps is to set boundaries when the parent is being unreasonable & manipulative (for example, has a crying fit when you say you’re going somewhere with friends). Ignore the tears & go. Don’t reason with her or explain. It takes practice.
This didn’t work with my mother due to her personality disorder. It’s kind of like dementia on steroids. I left and have not seen her for a month.
Be prepared that setting boundaries may not have the intended affect with her. The best to you.
I use to be just like you well into adulthood. It wasn't until my mid-30's (I'm almost 58 now) that I LEARNED how to say "no" and try to do that without feeling the need to give an explanation (unless you really want to or feel the situation warrants one) because that weakens it. I can tell you firsthand it is so freeing and liberating. There's a saying - "When in Rome do as the Romans do" - so that means when she is living in your home, she needs to abide by the rules you set. As others here have said, it's all about boundaries - you need them, we all need them - kind of like your personal space in some ways. Is it easy? NO - but, with practice it gets easier. Try it with small issues and move on from there. I have always been interested in what makes people tick and enjoyed reading self-improvement books. In those books, the author or authors would tell you everything about the topic except the "how" to part. The best book I ever read was "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Their writing is excellent and covers every type of relationship there is. This tells me we need boundaries in all areas of our life and in all types of relationships including family. It's the first book that gave practical ways to implement "boundary setting". You will be "happier" and you will feel like the adult you're supposed to have become. At this stage in my life, I've been thinking about how much time I have wasted trying to be a "people pleaser" - not one of those people are even in my life today which makes it all the more of a waste. I was brought up to be a peacemaker especially with my half sister who was 15 years older than myself and from my mom's first marriage. I never lived with her - thankfully, but when she would come to visit, I was expected to be the little adult while she was the big child - that meant keeping the peace at all costs. She was the one I learned how to set boundaries with to the point I had to cut all ties with her as there was no reasoning or healthy discussions with her - she was what you may hear people call "toxic". Just reading your brief description of her in your "question" makes me wonder if she has a personality disorder like NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder - you can look it up online and take a quiz to see if that describes your mother). Please realize at 87 your mom is not going to change therefore, you need to be the one to make the changes as to how you react or respond. Will she like it? No but, you need to hold your ground and she will be thrown off balance because she is so accustomed to you going along with everything she wants. It's like a mobile toy you put above a baby's crib - if you take just one of the parts and move it, the other parts get out of balance. Another explanation for her behavior is simply that as some people age, they can become like children again or some just never grew up to begin with. Wishing you the best!
If you play the Martyred Saint then the person will use you as one. By that I mean they will happily shoot you full of arrows, sending you to your death, then praying to you for eternity to fix everything. Bad job description. I wouldn't be applying.
In all likelihood you were raised for this by Ms. Heartless and dominating. But you are a grownup now. It is time to learn to set limits to protect yourself. We here are no therapists, so a bit powerless to guide you down a road, but we can sit you at the fork in the road where you will choose to go on as you are (and you realize where that has gotten) or you choose another road for yourself that leads to a happy life. The choice is yours.
Often elders feel scared and afraid , Where they used to have their youth and everything going for them they slowly feel as though they have no powers. They tend to hurt them closest to them in frustration.
We dealt with all kinds of issues from smearing campaigns to humiliation, in the end you have to set firm boundaries or the behaviour just continues and can lure you into all kinds of legal disputes.
The smear campaigns are hurtful when you find out that the person you love so much and have dedicated your life too has been gaslighting and smearing you, still you put up and shut up. Unfortunately, this is a very hard situation for anyone to be in, but we do continue to survive the life walking on eggshells.
Firm boundaries is the answer and share n care with another, between you the smear campaigns and triangulation games must be ignored and avoided at all costs so you can effectively care for a person who exhibits such signs.
My Husband and I worked well as a team to get our Mom safe, secure and her home taken of, we did this because we love her not for anything in return, but the bribes, emotional abuse gets to you after a while. You learn from others of the embarrassing hurtful and soul destroying things being said to others. It was through talking to a therapist I learned about this condition and learned the triangulation game had been a life-long habit to separate siblings from a young age,
I become a target even though I put up and shut up. I had the most admirable love and respect for my MIL for all my married life but the things I learned made me more aware in the end to set firm boundaries to safe my marriage from harms way. I look on the bright side and am grateful i learned about this condition to help me through life and others subject to this abuse.
We treated our Mom like a queen showering with gifts, limousines on her birthdays taking her to the best shows and fine dining, still but if she did not get her way, there was a storm in a teacup.
its hard, its very emotional this time Of our parents lives, but still boundaries are important and share the care for time out is the answers, remember, if you are not well you cannot take care of them!
keep up the good work its not easy!
you are not alone! Hope this helps you
You can only continue to be mistreated if you allow it. Pick a few things to do your way and some time to yourself and DO it.
Your mother is probably in “self-preservation mode”. She has probably lost a lot of her freedom and control to whatever health situations has brought her to live with you. Her manipulation of you helps her feel like she is in control. Don’t feel like you have to tell her every move you make! If she can be alone for short periods of time, for example, say “ I will be back in an hour” and LEAVE. No need to explain- or say “ I’m running an errand” and LEAVE for a break. If she pitches a fit say “hey, i just said I’ll be back in an hour”. Let her KNOW you have a life too because trust me people in self preservation mode have NO concern for others- it just isn’t on their brain. Remind her if needed.
If she can’t be alone for a short time then hire help to sit with her. They work for YOU and and she doesn’t get a say. If she can go to adult day care occasionally, DO IT.
Get some time for yourself and don’t fall for the guilt trip that either you or she has laid on yourself already. It really is up to YOU. (FYI, SHE pays for the sitter, daycare, etc if at all possible!)
enjoy yourself!
Write yourself a job plan and some rules. Things you are happy to do and things you are NOT going to do, any more. Tell them what your plans are. Be firm. Factor in things for you, times for you and find solutions for covering your absence where necessary. Treat it like a new lease of life when you have energy and a detox when you don't! So many of us have been there! Look after yourself - you are worth it and DON'T be guilt tripped!
The real question is how can you create your "happiest environment" while not being overwhelmed by your mom's "take charge" traits. Start by considering what would actually be your "best life", your "ok life", and your "worst life". You'll need to let mom know what is the "worst life" and create strategies for dealing with her when she strays into this area - because it seems to be happening. Also consider how to get more "best life" scenarios into your "ok life". You appreciate "me time," time by yourself, but seem to not get enough of it. How much would be ideal and how much would be ok? Find others to take on your caregiving duties to mom so you can get this need met: friends, family, church, paid help...
Consider other "needs" you have and how to rearrange your current situation so that you live more in the "best life" to "ok life" zones without straying into the "worst life" zones.
Being a people pleaser myself, I totally understand what you are going through, the guilt of having to tell someone no, the internal struggle to make yourself happy and feeling like you are hurting someone else in the process, it's agonizing BUT it does get easier! Just keep one thing in mind, from the sound of it your mother wouldn't give a second thought of hurting you for her own comfort and you need to remember that. When our parents age, the roles swap, you are now the "mother" and she sounds like the spoiled brat of a "child" and your new role is to make the best decisions for her health and well being which may include YOU getting time alone and HER NOT getting her way. Set boundaries and reminding her that it is your home and she will have to live by your rules and way of life or you can find her a place that she can live life her way. Stand your ground and get relief from her whenever you can, in fact make a weekly date with yourself to get away.
Maybe being manipulative and difficult is the only way they know how to maintain control of a life that’s now dependent on their children for just about everything?
You have some self-preservation instincts left, although it appears she has tried mightily to snuff them out.
Make a list of all that you do for her. Cross off half of the tasks and tell her she will have to hire them out. (Got this from fellow poster Frequent Flyer).
But PLEASE, put your foot down NOW and set some boundaries. Your home, your rules - it's as simple as that!
If your mother needs care 24/7, then hire a caregiver or companion a few hours weekly while you get out of the house to run errands, take a walk, etc.
I too have a controlling mother. Sweet as pie as long as she gets her way. I've spent most of my life taking care of her emotionally. 4 weeks ago I went "No Contact" with her, and am starting to feel happy and hopeful again for the first time in 51 years. She's got many issues, but the key is BOUNDARIES!!!
Your mother lives with you - that's much harder than my situation. Still, the key point is boundaries. YOU MATTER!! It's not "all about her", even though she may think so. She needs to realize this, but she will only do so if YOU stand firm about the things YOU need.
Think about what you need. How much time away. How much time to yourself. Have a "schedule" for the day. See if it works for awhile. I wouldn't give it a long time, because like I said, YOU MATTER! You have a right to the life YOU want. It isn't selfish...that's just the line we've been told by our mothers to keep us in line. In truth, they are jealous of women who "get to do what they want", because maybe they themselves didn't voice their own preferences when they were young. NOT YOUR FAULT.
Go for it. Own your own life. YOU MATTER, my friend!
Here's another idea that works with my NPD/BPD mom: whenever you refuse to do her bidding, use a completely bland look and neutral voice. I believe this is called "Grey Rock", and I can confirm that it works. No drama, no excitement, just "No, I'm not going to do that", "Sorry, I can't do that", etc. It's beautiful when you get it, because you get to stand your ground, and she doesn't have the satisfaction of making you angry, flustered, etc. A big WIN for YOU!
Be prepared to leave the house for awhile if she tantrums. Just make sure she's safe alone for awhile, of course. After doing this for awhile, my guess is that she'll get it.
It takes practice to remain calm, focused, and with backbone. At the same time, be sure to do a couple of things your mom likes or wants so that you can also calmly remind her that you did that her way.
And, find a way to have time for yourself each day. Start watching an hour of a talk show or a soap opera, or something on a regular basis. Don't worry about paying attention to the screen, just be able to sit and not do anything.
If it's your house, set the rules, the tone and the conditions of your Mom living in your home. Even if your Mom pays her part of rent, utilities, etc. Boundaries are #1 important. Belittling, Bad Mouthing, Tantrums, Ill-tempers are not acceptable. Tell her so. Be kind, but very firm. Write it down and print it out if necessary. Make her sign a contract on living conditions. If she still fails to respect your boundaries and is still disrespectful, then it's time you make her move out.
If it's her house, it's a bit different in this way. If it's her house and you set boundaries on how you should be respected and treated and she still doesn't do that, then MOVE. Find a way and leave.
If she's always been this way, she needs to be confronted and told how her behavior and disrespect affect you. Be blunt. "Your attitude, tone and disrespect make me feel bad and I feel no obligation to have you in my home anymore."
If she has gotten this way recently or in last few years, have doctors do a medication check to make sure prescription drugs and supplements aren't interacting incorrectly to cause mood swings. Or maybe she is starting to get Alzheimer's which affects your behavior.
If she is living with you and on Social Security, make her pay you a monthly sum that would cover Adult Day Care or a Sitter for 8 hours a month or more! Take that time, go to a movie, go with friends to restaurants, soak in a tub. Etc. Make siblings if any, schedule times each week or month to relive you. I have been a care giver most of my life and it's exhausting. First, my grandfather with 6 years Alzheimer's, then my grandmother with 6 years Alzheimer's (all with young children at home), then my stepdad with cancer, now my Mom for past 25 years and counting. Take the vacations, trips, etc. Find someone she has to pay to watch her if needed while you are gone. My Mom goes back and forth between her house and mine due to health issues. She was with us for 8 months one time and just recently 4 months. She is super sweet, never degrading BUT she was very needy. In the beginning she needed extra help and I didn't mind helping her but then she would just sit there until I made meals, or did laundry or clean her bathroom. Finally, I said if she wanted to go back home, then she needed to prove to me that she could take care of herself. Make her meals or help me, do her laundry, clean her spaces, etc. She said ok and did it. Sometimes, they get in a habit of us doing for them. If it's gets to the point that they can't do for themselves, then you may want to start the conversation about Nursing Care at a Home. There is nothing to be ashamed of in that. My Mom and I have talked often about this. I told her I would help her and keep her home as long as possible, she is 85. However, I told her that if she becomes disabled to care for herself, then she would have to go into a place of care.
I hope all this helps. Praying for you. Set Boundaries and stick to them. Walk away and do not allow any disrespectful talk from your Mom.
Cancer Personality: Suppressed Emotions and Cancer - Dr ...
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Apr 3, 2017 - Cancer Personality: character traits predispose a person to the risk of developing ... and minerals, phytonutrients) so having a well-balanced nutrition is paramount. ... 3) Being a “people pleaser” with a great need for approval.
Like you I was raised to be the "good little girl", the one who put themselves last. It took me some time with a professional counselor to learn to say "No". It was like the world would end and I would go straight to a burning place if I said that word. The first time I said no, it took me 3 weeks to do it. BUT, I did and it was so freeing.
If you have too hard a time, get some professional help. Look at the suggestions the wonderful people in this forum have suggested. Take the easiest one first, keep trying, you will be amazed at how freeing it is. Don't feel guilty or that you have let someone down. Just do it. Believe it or not, you have rights too. I am 86 and I know your mother could live another 10 or more years. One of my husband's extended family is 109 and just had to go to assisted living.