Without being heartless to my 87 year old domineering mother that lives with me, how can I feel like I have some say so in my own home?

I think that there are two standout phrases - "Without being heartless" and "I have been easily manipulated..." If this is your own home then there is nothing heartless about standing up for yourself and telling her no from time to time when you have made other plans.

I write this knowing exactly how you are feeling about being manipulated and having reached a point when I felt I needed to tell my mother that the world did not revolve around her. It took several events to make her realize that I was actually an adult person rather than merely an extension of herself.

I should also tell you that I was not able to do this without the help of several counseling sessions with a psychologist.

I thought I was the only one with this same situation. I truly feel for you. My mom is 85 and has lived with me for the past 25 years. In her eyes I pay the bills and she reaps the rewards. She has taken over my home and wants to control my world. She cost me a wonderful husband and then a great boyfriend. I don’t have a life. I’m so sorry, I thought I was the only one in this situation.

So, it's nice that you took your mother in to provide a home and care for her. BUT, your profile only states "age-related decline, anxiety, depression, and hearing loss." So, what care do you have to provide? From that description (there could be more, but you haven't clarified that) it sounds like she just needs a place to live and perhaps you provide transport and meals, maybe laundry. What help does she actually need? What takes all your time?

Heartless to say no? Hardly. I made my decision before mom developed dementia that no way could we be in the same place 24/7. Dementia firmly cemented that decision! She was early 90s when we had to deal with that. First was helping her with grocery shopping and getting to appointments (we took the car away.) Financial takeover had to be done next, as she was messing it up. Plan A was to bring in help as needed, to keep her in her own condo (her wish at that point) as long as possible. We only got to stage 1 of that plan (1 hour/day, mainly to check on her and make sure she took her medications.) That didn't last 2 months. Given how she dealt with that and her adamant refusal to consider moving anywhere, she likely would be a lot like your mother, with a dose of dementia on top! She did tend to be critical of decisions and life choices I have made, but it IS my life! **(see add'l comment)

So, you need to start putting yourself first. If she really needs assistance, you could start pushing for her to move to AL, if she has the means. If she doesn't need that much help, then you need to allocate more time EVERY day for yourself.

"I have been easily manipulated my entire life."
Many of us can say this. Once you realize it and acknowledge it, which you have, then focus on changing that.

"Spent much of my time trying to make those around me happier than I ever could make myself."
I am a giving-type of person, and get pleasure from helping others, but at some point some of those we try to help out and bring some happiness to step over the line and start TAKING. It's okay to be a giver, to a point. When the helping hand is grabbed and dragged down, it's time to pull back that hand!

"I appreciate time by myself, but don’t get more than an hour or so at a time a couple times a year."
TAKE the time. Given your description of your mother's conditions, she doesn't need you 24/7.
If she is safe to be left alone, GET OUT and do what YOU want to do! Granted it's a tough time for that, but you can go for walks, drives, sit in a park, set aside space in YOUR home for projects, activities, crafts, etc that YOU like to do, and shut her out. It's your home.
If she isn't safe to be left alone, use her income to hire aides to watch over her while you do what you want. She's your mother, not your task master, not your boss, just your mother. Ensure her needs are met - NEEDS, not wants, and ignore anything else she has to say. She obviously is opinionated and critical, but that doesn't mean you have to listen to her or internalize ANYTHING she says. She starts in on you for anything, walk away. Let it bounce off or roll off your back. Words can be painful, but they can be ignored as they are only words and come from ignorance.

"If something isn’t important to my mother then it isn’t important. If something isn’t valuable to her then it has no value."

Fine. But finish the statements thus:
"If something isn’t important to my mother then it isn’t important TO HER."
"If something isn’t valuable to her then it has no value TO HER."

Whatever the "somethings" are, they ARE important to you and they ARE valuable to you! She has no real power over you. If she starts to criticize and/or complain, cut her off and just state calmly that this isn't a topic for discussion, then walk away. Don't let her rule over your life!

You CAN do this. It'll take some effort, it'll take some time. There might be some back-sliding, but don't let that deter you! TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE AND HOME!

Houseseeker2: You are not heartless and others should be able to appreciate the wonderful person that you are. Prayers sent.

Sounds like a case for your family doctor and counselor-- first you go see him and then bring your Mom to see him. Tell him what you really want, your house back.
Because you are dealing with someone suffering from dementia you are allowed to be sneaky... In other words you can justify a white lie or two--- you could tell her the house has burned down... or that it has a dangerous black mold problem and you are going to have to sell it to someone who will destroy it and build again. But in any case you and your mother will be homeless. So your doctor will advise your mother to go to an independent living facility. And you will have to go rent an inexpensive apartment. With dementia -- sometimes you are allowed to not tell the truth, but offer a distraction. NOW once she is settled in, she will forget everything and learn to enjoy sitting with women her own age as they eat their lunch. Make sure you get her to agree to you being her POA. Good luck.

Do you have specific things that you want to change? Know what they are if you have to sit down and make yourself a list.

You have to also understand that with this caregiving thing, the more you do for someone the more you create a decline for that person. When you jump up each time she wants thing, you are slowly removing her ability to walk. Look at every single thing you do. Even the simplest of chores/tasks that you do (just because it's easier than to talk about it) you are creating the debilitated patient down the road. Always keep that in mind.

You created the problem by allowing others to have their way with you. You've spent many years creating this environment. So change will come about slowly with you being consistent in making the changes. Say no when you have to and stick to it. Define the boundaries and stick to it. The first time you back down, you will be back to where you are now. It's hard. Best of luck to you.

If something is important to you - you must stick to your guns! It doesn;t matter what it is.

you have the solution in your hands - it’s you. You’re the solution. Make the time you need for yourself by taking the time from activities for others. Make an appointment with yourself and put it in the diary. They’ll get used to it - new habits.

Houseseeker, I am wondering if you have tried any of the suggestions offered and how it is going?

Hopefully you are finding a way to live in your own home, peacefully with your mom knowing that you are mistress of your domain and she is a welcome guest.

Please come and let us know how you are doing. We learn from one another and love to hear how others are implementing change.

Usually those, who have been psychologically abused,
have no idea that they've been, manipulated for his/her entire life, and write about their situations in a completely different manner, from a victim's perspective.
Your writing is ...

You already have the answers.

What exactly are you seeking?

Screennamed, I so agree with you. I didn’t understand that I’d been verbally abused and emotionally manipulated by my mother all my life until I reached 50!! This is despite the fact that she walked out when I was 15, wanted to empty my room of all my furniture and take that with her too as she had paid for it all (bed included) and then proceeded to blame me for most of my adult life for not fitting in with her future plans for me (ie giving up school and my plans to go to University). It sounds unbelievable I know, but I didn’t really ever think about it much, I just accepted it and assumed that this was how mothers and their children interacted with each other! The fact is that when you are a child, whatever family life you experience, however extreme, just seems normal to you, as it’s all you’ve ever known. It’s only when you discuss and explain the kinds of things that have happened in your family to other people (in my case my husband and a counsellor) that you find out it’s not healthy and you don’t have to put up with it or accept it. Wow, that was a massive revelation to me! Suddenly I could see what had been happening to me for decades, and through listening to my supporters I had permission to reject this kind of behaviour, moving forward. Although my mother now lives with us (I’m sure I offered this to her when she was widowed as a way of seeking acceptance and validation from her, before I had my moment of revelation), I keep her at an emotional arms length. I will not let her abuse me as she has done in the past. She in turn finds this baffling-she as the abuser has spent over 50 years behaving in a certain way towards me, and to her this was a normal way of life and couldn’t see anything wrong with it. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that it’s never too late to reject abuse and manipulation in its many forms. You can set out what your needs and wants are from life, then move forward ensuring that firstly your basic needs are met (including a life without abuse) and that some of your wants are met - maybe a hobby that would give you pleasure, some time to yourself etc. When you do this you will start to see your own mental health improve and this will empower you to deal with any future flare ups of abuse. I hope this helps.

Have a set down talk with your mom,, It's WAY OVERDUE!!!

Tell her exactly how you feel and for ya'll to continue living together, changes must be made.

Have your changes listed znd give her the list as ya'll go over them one by one.

Include your mom's feelings, thoughts and ideas and come to a mutual arrangement.

If this isn't possible then mom or you will have to move out

It's time for professional help. What keeps you two together, money? What is fair is unconditional love and patience. If not effective enough or missing, please look into your mother's alternate living arrangements. We readers care.