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My mother has been living with us several years. It's been very hard as she does nothing to help, and requires a lot of work on my part (all meals, cleaning, transportation, organization, etc). I am her sole company as she's alienated everyone else. She has her dogs that love her and she talks to them like they are people, which is fine.


My last issue was working on boundaries and realizing I had no requirement to entertain her. She has to do that herself (as a child I was told only stupid people get bored). She had been playing computer games, watching TV, etc. Now it's just TV. So I felt benefited by this group who encouraged the boundaries (thanks!).


But now we are at a point where she's been diagnosed with dementia, and shows it a little more each day. She comes up with 'ideas' she wants to do. She now wants hip surgery, despite the last ortho visit the doctor telling her she needed to be moving more and able to assist recovery by doing PT and exercises. She doesn't want that, she just wants the surgery. I tried to just ignore the idea, since with covid it's not practical to do it now (if the doctor even would). I ignore it, she keeps talking about it. I encourage her to walk, she says she does. I measured, she walks approximately 25 feet at a time to the fridge, max. Most of the day she's reclined in a chair. She has no muscle.


In avoiding that, she then brings up she wants a new cell phone. She can afford it, but the last one she had she never answered, and eventually just turned off. She couldn't figure out how to use it (it was an easy Jitterbug). She has no need for it, she has the landline and only goes places with me (and my phone). She keeps pestering me about it. She wants me to be the one to make the decision (and thus be able to blame if it's hard to use, or the battery quits, or whatever). I won't.


Every day there's something she wants to do that involves me helping beyond what I already do. I have my own health issues and taking care of her is exhausting.


She has not once helped with anything in the home. Yet last night I heard glass during the night and got up and she said she was cleaning the kitchen for me. She had loaded the dishwasher. Yay, I guess, but I wasn't thrilled. It worries me more that she's up at night getting in to stuff (what if she were to decide to cook?). Her dogs vomit, I have to clean it. She spills something, it's up to me to fix it. If she sees something out of place in my part of the house, she makes a comment but does nothing to help (so to me, just be quiet then!). I'm so sick of explaining.


She doesn't know what day it is, or what time. It's 107 today and she keeps opening her door for her dogs to go in and out. I asked her to keep it shut. Nope. So I'm paying to cool the city, it seems.


The other thing, which is difficult, is that of food. Everything is too hot, too cold, too bland, too spicy. I get it, older people do that. But she wants to have a say in each meal as if this were a restaurant. My go-to response has been to bring her a meal with a few options on the tray, as well as a treat basket she has in her room with fruit, granola bars, chocolate, etc. Hell, I'd be delighted to be served like this. If she complains about the meal, my only other option (same as my son) is a PB&J. But lately she says she's feeling punished by the meals. She's getting what we all eat, no punishment. I'm not cooking like I used to. I do buy her stuff she wants. But each night I get a big frown when she sees her tray.


I'm cooking more frozen dinners than in the past by having found a healthy frozen food line that saves me time. They aren't punishment, my husband and I both enjoy them.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm so tired of complaining when someone does nothing at all. I am questioning how I can stay sane in the future as this will inevitably get worse. How do I turn off the button that makes me feel l have to please her?

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Turning off the button that makes you feel you have to please her will take practice, and the understanding that it will be a constantly moving target as your mom declines. Your profile doesn't say anything about her having dementia or cognitive decline, so I'm wondering if maybe she has slid over that line and you are still interacting with her as if she is still her original self. If she hasn't yet had a cognitive exam, I recommend it. If she has a diagnosis you will deal with her much differently because you'll understand she isn't pushing your buttons because she's intending to. It's because her filters, judgment, logic and rationality are disappearing. Then you will proactively educate yourself, get support and think about whether her living with you will really be the best caregiving solution. If you live with a partner or spouse, please remember that they are your priority, not your mom. Not saying any of this flippantly as this is an unfamiliar juncture and no one can really give you "the right answers". But the caregiving arrangement has to work for all parties. If you are bugged by her behaviors now, please know it will most likely get worse AND include physical issues as well (like incontinence, for one). When someone is in your home and you see them 24/7 and are aware of everything they do and say (like a 26 -year adult child who is "between jobs" living in your basement) you can't help but hyper focus on what they are and aren't saying, doing, etc. especially if you have other things going on in your life. Maybe a honest discuss with whoever else is living with you will help clarify things. I wish you much wisdom and patience as you navigate this changing landscape.
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Wow.  I can relate to what you have written here - the surgery, the "walking", constantly opening the door (just wait until she starts complaining the house now suddenly isn't cool enough....).  The food complaints are ridiculous - I was preparing better, doctor-approved meals than she's had in her life and she could only complain.  Told me my coffee caused intestinal cramping.  your idea of a treat basket is excellent, but stop doing it if she does not appreciate it and/or isn't eating the stuff.   Sometimes, elders are so desperately afraid their needs are going to get swept under the rug if they don't constantly "need" something.    Keep us all running so that we don't ignore them.  My elder will never, ever say that she's "fine."  There's always "well, my ____ hurts and I think I heard a noise outside and the mail is late today and I think I need surgery and i think the bank owes me money, and ____, ____."  Once I realized she does this constantly, I was a LOT better able to see the complaining for what it is - fear of being cast aside.    It didn't stop the complaining, but I was able to teach myself to hear it through a different filter and it didn't bother me quite as much.
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