Has anyone ever wished a parent would die from natural causes prior to being placed (permanently) in a nursing facility?

Yes, I feel that way. My mother wants to stay home and a NH would be awful to her, no matter how nice it is. I'm like others in hoping that I don't have to face that decision. I know the day may come that I can no longer care for her at home, but I don't look forward to the time. It will be heartbreaking for her and me.

I think most caregivers have these thoughts. How many of us have ever said "please don't let me end up like that!" At some point we are just warehousing people. Any quality of life and dignity have gone. My parents are approaching this point in their lives and to be quite honest, Im dreading year after year of nursing home/memory care especially when they no longer even recognize me.

We have all felt that way at some time during our caregiving journeys. We want the best for our loved ones. Taking care of someone at home (with caregiver help) is not impossible. Each person and their symptoms are different. My mom had lewis body dementia. During her last few years of life, she was the sweetest, most appreciative patient. We were able to keep mom at home and we hired people to help. My husband and sons were a godsend when she could no longer stand, they did all the lifting. Just keep an open mind, not everyone needs to be placed in a nursing home. Have a plan A and B ready and see what each day sets before you.

My mother is mean and nasty every day and I wish she would die every day.

You poor thing, there is nothing wrong about wanting a normal life. Put them both into assisted living together. Assisted living is a far cry from a nursing home. My mother had a beautiful apartment with a living room, bedroom, kitchenette and a private bath. She surrounded by her own funiture and personal items. She had a bracelet and strings she could pull 24/7 for any type of help. She ate in a formal dining room and ordered her meals from a menu. They had a coffee bar in the morning that turned into a happy hour bar around 4:00 with wonderful live entertainment and appetizers.. We all loved visiting her there and they took wonderful care of her. We had her at home with around the clock care for about five years before we made the decision and it was the best decision we ever made for her. It was about $1000 dollars saving per week. It was way more affordable and she was making friends and having fun. Check them out, you may be pleasantly surprised! I wish I did it five years earlier, it gave us all peace of mind and our lives went back to normal, well... as normal as they were before...

Patrice, thank you much. It is hard to accept that so much is out of my control, yet impacts my life (and my loved ones) so much. It's difficult to put myself first, but I have to maintain my marriage and my business or I won't have much of a future of my own. I know a lot of people give up their own lives to take care of their parents, and that is commendable, but it's not for me. My New Year's resolution was to start taking more time to enjoy life this year. Not working out so good, so far.

I think that's totally an ace table way to feel! Who doesn't wish for a painless and quick death for themselves and their loved ones, at the appropriate time? My concern is about the last part of your statement, about bringing everyone else down in the process. I guess we all need to insure that THAT doesn't happen. You take care of yourself, make sure that dad is getting good care but not hovering over him.

I'm glad the psych consult is scheduled!
With regard to NHs, we tried the 5 star one, and after not having a stellar experience, we went with a lower rated one suggested by the discharge planner after mom's next hospitalization. It's not perfect, but it's smaller, not much staff turnover and has a wound care doctor and geriatric psychiatrist on staff.

One thing to know about nursing homes; you can ask the staff till you're blue in the face, but it's the doctor who writes the orders. Make sure there is an order for a complete assessment of her skin once a week. If it's written, it gets done. If it's not, it seems to be catch as catch can, and sometimes aides and nurses seem reluctant to report skin ulcers on their own because it affects the facility's rating.

Dear up stream. I am also an only child or more precisely, the only living child. Please don't let your elder care situation takeover and wreck your life. Do you want your children to give up their lives when you need elder care? I think its great that some caregivers are able to live with and care for their elders until the end of life. But I don't think it's feasible for most of us and we shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it. Nor should you feel guilty because you want it to end. Be smart, be strong and take the best course for YOU and your parents. Best wishes to you.

Upstream, a few more tips... I switched over to the ALF doctor, so they made house calls and I never needed to go to those appointments again. They had an adorable beauty shop and my mom enjoyed going, they also took care of her hands and feet. They did all the medication, so it was all out of my hands. They had housecleaning come in everyday and laundry once a week. They had room service. It changed my life. The best part was when my mom was 90 and very sick, they were by my side, the nurses were there any time I needed them. The other people that lived there became friends too and we were never alone. My mom went from laying on the sofa all day to getting up, dressed and caring how she looked. There were many men and couples, I would have loved it for both my parents. My mother-in-law's new ALF is equally as charming. It makes all the difference in the world to know they are safe and you CAN live your own life!