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I'm not saying that I am the perfect example of positive behavior but geez...every single time I talk to my elderly mother, she's so angry, annoyed and depressed. My Mom and I don't even live on the same side of the country and she can still push my emotions like no one else. I have an up coming trip to visit for the holidays and I already feel like its going to be awful. The first 2-3 days is always nice and calm but then the storm comes. She gets irritated, needy, and annoyed at everything. She will make no suggestions and give lots of negative opinions on anything we do that doesn't interest her. What can I do to make my visit with her better?

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Leave before the 3 days are up. You know what they say about guests being like fish.

If the travelling distance makes it hardly worth going for only 3 days, can you turn it into a kind of royal progress and drop in on some other family and friends on your way there or back?
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overwhelmed21 Dec 2022
Hahaha! Countrymouse, you beat me to the fish analogy!
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So--how does your family feel about the visits? My kids got so they wouldn't even go to visit their gma (my MIL) for 2 hrs once a month. A very negative woman and I never tried to guilt them into visiting. She didn't want them there and they knew it. end of discussion.

I don't even visit my SON and his family for more than the 3nights 4 days length of time. We do a 'long weekend' pack it with activities and then split on Tuesday morning. Any longer and I simply can't behave myself. The longer trips, we have stayed at a hotel about a mile away from them, which is crazy since they have 3 extra bedrooms. I need a place to go where they are not. And they feel the same way about coming here.

Sounds like you have zero reason for staying beyond 3 days. Do you come home exhausted, angry and depressed? Well--that's your answer. Don't stay so long.

And, no, she will never have a better outlook on life.
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What you can do to make your trip better is stay 2-3 days, the length of time that your mother is 'always nice & calm'. Leave before the storm comes, with a good memory in your mind instead of the awful one you KNOW is sure to come.

My mother lived her entire life with a miserable attitude and there was nothin & nobody gonna change it. She was a half empty glass kinda gal. She had a lot of great things in life, but she just did not see it that way; she saw her life as riddled with what 'could have been but wasn't' and what she 'should have had but didn't', which left her blaming everyone on earth for her troubles, when her finger should have been pointed INWARD.

You can't fix your mother so work on fixing what you CAN, instead. Which is the length of your visit.

Best of luck.
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RCMom79 Dec 2022
Thank you for your response. I've never really posted on here before. The support is nice.
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I discovered a near-universal truth, which is 3 days and 4 nights is the maximum time for a family visit without going totally bonkers!

You’re far away but maybe shorten visits from now on? I understand that feeling that one has to go too…it’s kind of a no win but picking the least bad option all around.

It’s so true you can’t make anyone happy. This took me DECADES to figure out. Mom leaned on me to magically bolster her up and that role was so ingrained I only realized that recently.

Are there any escapes you can do for yourself when you do visit this time? Something pleasant just for you.

Good luck!
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You’ve arranged a two week holiday, but it doesn’t all have to be with M. How about 3 days to begin with, then you go for a trip yourself. If you grew up there, I’m sure that you know nice places to re-visit. Then you come back after a few days, and have another OK 3 days with M. Leave on a good note!
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As the health issues, the losses, and the years piled up my dad got progressively more negative. We finally talked to his doctor about it, who talked to dad beautifully and sensitively and prescribed a small dose of Zoloft. It didn’t cure everything but it did help lift the black cloud quite well. Depression is common in elders, and why wouldn’t it be? I hope you can look into this for your mom. And totally agree with others, the visits are too long! Try to go more often for far briefer times. And when the negativity piles up, go for a walk or whatever else gets you a break from it
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lealonnie1 Dec 2022
My mother was super horribly negative even with the highest dose of Wellbutrin anti-depressants. She did get out of bed and back into the world once again once she was given the Rx, however, so the dx of 'depression' was cured with the Wellbutrin, but not the negative-nelly attitude; ain't no pill on earth gunna cure THAT :(

My "uncle George" on the other hand, had one arm since WWII when he lost it, and was THE most positive human on the face of the earth up until he died on 12/4 just shy of his 102nd birthday. He lived in the same ALF as my folks did, had no chronic complaints, no bitter attitude, in spite of failing health, mobility issues, all sorts of things. He was on hospice care the past 5 months and didn't even complain THEN. He walked through life with a smile on his face, even when he was taking care of his sick wife of 75 years.

People in general, including elders in chronic pain, choose their attitude in life. I don't believe depression 'comes with the territory' for 'poor elders' b/c their old and sad, and why wouldn't they be? Some of the happiest people I've known were old and falling apart, and some of the most miserable were in good health and had more than they could ever want or need in life.

Just sayin'.
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The obvious answer for me, is to only stay a couple of days.

You know from past experiences what will happen if you stay longer.

I would love to tell you that there is always hope that things will be different ‘this’ time. People don’t change overnight!

I am a realist and not a Pollyanna! I don’t see why she would behave any differently than before.

It’s so sad when parents resent that their children moved away. The only thing that they accomplish by doing this is pushing their children even further away from them because the children don’t want to hear the same old sad song.

Both of my daughters lived in different states for a time. I purposely didn’t tell them, ‘I miss you. I wish that you still lived here. When are you coming to visit? Blah, Blah, Blah.’

Instead when they called I said, What fun things have you been doing? Send me pictures of your adventures! I am so glad to hear that you are making new friends,’ and so on.

They were so happy to send photos to my phone, tell me all about the new experiences in their lives, face time with me. It was fun!

Yes, I missed them but I never felt like I lost them.

My grandmother wrote letters to her son, my uncle, when he moved to another state. She felt just like I did. She wanted my uncle to be happy in his new home. My uncle happily wrote back to my grandmother.

My grandma was pleasant all of her life. She remained that way.

My husband’s grandmother was never pleasant a day in her life. Sadly, she died alone. Why? Well, one of the many reasons is that she wrote nasty, mean hate filled letters from her death bed telling us how rotten we all were!

Most people want to make peace before they leave this world. Not her! She was simply too cruel to be around. She drove everyone away. Of course, she couldn’t or wouldn’t see that it was her behavior. She blamed everything on everyone else. So be it.

My husband’s grandfather was a sweetheart. He begged her to see a psychiatrist to talk and get medication. She said that she didn’t need medication.

Sometimes, it’s a hopeless situation. So, go for a couple of days. Then say, ‘ I am so sorry mom. Something has come up and as much as I would like to stay longer, I really can’t. Talk soon. I love you.’ Then exit!

Best wishes to you during this holiday season.
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The only thing you can do is be positive yourself, despite your mother‘s attitude.
Why would she change, obviously she is happy or not with who she is.
My mother exactly, hypochondriac, hysterical, narcissistic, miserable.
I wanted to be opposite, which she did not approve as she wanted me to be like her.
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RCMom79 Dec 2022
good advice - I will continue to try.
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You ask what you can do to make your visit better and I would start by saying, stay in a hotel instead of with her. That way when she starts to get on your nerves you can use the excuse that you have to leave, and that you will see her later or the next day. Keep your time together short and sweet, and know when it's time to leave to go back to the hotel or to go and do something fun.
Some people will never be happy no matter what, and it's not your job to try and make your mother happy, so just try your very best to not get sucked into her negativity, and decide now that you're going to have a nice time no matter what.
AND GET A HOTEL ROOM!
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RCMom79 Dec 2022
I like the idea and I'm sorry I didn't arrange that instead. Its pretty $$$ where she lives and getting an Airbnb was a lot more cost effective and easier with kids. She also hinted that it would be nice to all stay together for the holidays. Originally she fully expected us all to stay in her tiny apartment (studio size) It took a lot of convincing to rid that idea. It is what it is for now...Hotel would be so much better next time. I just hope this visit turns out alright. I hate fighting with her but sometimes she just makes things impossible.
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she doesn’t have a good attitude. and now you have to figure out your attitude towards her attitude.

she won’t change. some people feel good when they dump their negativity on others. the listener will feel heavier, be in a bad mood. she’ll feel lighter.

the pattern will happen again and again. worse, the older she gets.

and your attitude to her attitude?

try to protect your peace of mind. it’s clear you love her, but protect your peace as well.

hug!!

🙂 they say, it’s all about attitude! 🙂 you just continue your good attitude. you be you. AND protect your peace of mind.

you know best how to protect your peace of mind. 🙂
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