I had to put my Mother in Assisted Living last week and she is so angry that she says she will never speak to me again. She has a frontal lobe type Dementia and Delusional Disorder. She has sent thousands of dollars to scammers that she thinks are in love with her and want to marry or move in with her. Even after I got guardianship over a year ago and shut down her bank accounts, she sold about 90% of her furniture to send them more money and had recently started another round of going to banks and online to get more money. Her memory is still good and she is still quite intelligent, but her judgement is shot. The only way to stop the scamming was to have her removed from her home and placed in Assisted Living. I had Social Services do this and tried to stay out of it as much as possible. The Facility is over an hour away out in the country. I know this is a huge change for her, but it hurts to hear her anger. Our relationship had been good until about 2 years ago when the scamming started and we found out the diagnosis. I am an only child and have been her only caregiver. She refuses to believe that ANYTHING is wrong with her, just my fault "for taking everything away from her".
I've heard most people say that she will eventually adjust and I can start visiting her. She's been there a week and I have no interest in going to see her until she calms down and is not so angry. Have others dealt with this? And how long has it taken before the anger subsides enough to visit your loved one?
Thanks,
Chris
She will not be getting wifi in her room or a new phone as she will immediate get in touch with "Freddie", the scammer who she thinks loves her. She told the Social Worker that "Freddie" has alot of money and will come for her soon, so obviously the delusion still exists strongly. I'll be glad to provide advice to you if I can.
Wishing you the best of luck.
She wants to go home, but has no idea where home is. She needs to go to work and wants to catch the bus to London where she can go do embroidery.
Anger is fear.. and the more anger the more fear cos she doesnt really know the why... and its no use telling them cos they dont remember and cant comprehend.
The person you knew 2 yrs ago is not the person you are dealing with today, just looks similar, and Im guessing right now still remembers you.
My Ma claims to not have children most of the time, so how can she even comprehend she had 5 and that the youngest is in his 60s. she after all is in her early 20s, I managed to ask once.
her brain/memory is a 200 piece jigsaw puzzle without the lid or 96 pieces and the missing ones are the corners and the centre.
Dont feel bad,
I have a story pretty similar to yours. My mom was diagnosed with dementia which she has and will not accept. My family and started noticing a decline in her cognitive thinking and she to was highly caught up with scammers and sweepstakes. I was able to become her POA and get her to the doctor once we realized her serious her condition was becoming.
We found a Assisted Living facility that would allow her some feel of independence even though doctors said she should be in memory care.
Mom has been resentful and troublesome since being placed. She’s argumentative with caretaker and other residents. Mom has become very stubborn refusing to bathe, and change clothes.
Most of her venom is reserved for me, she tells caretaker and nursing team I placed her in facility to control her and take her money. When I come to visit she lashes out at me. The doctor and social worker told me to stay away and give her some time adjust. I haven’t seen her for about a month now, I feel conflicted I don’t want to not be there for her, but I can’t handle the mean spirited verbal abuse from her either. My last visit with her brought me to realization that my mom as I know her is gone, and Its taken me through a mourning process of sorts.
My plan is to resume visits with mom, and the first sign of toxicity from her l’m leaving, hopefully it will resonate with her that this behavior will not be tolerated if she wants to continue relationship with me.
Just wanted to share that because it is easier if we know that they may not really know what is happening.
It is hard not to get angry/feel guilty for moving them, but you can't change her, you can only work on understanding the issue and how you react to her behavior.
Sometimes adjustment takes time and things go well, sometimes there's no adjustment. Sometimes they can be fine until you show up! Try to shift the blame (doctors?) Let her hate them! Suggest she needs help and can go home when she 'gets better'. No time frame, just 'when you get better' (again, blame docs!) If my mother asks can I drop her at her mother's (gone 40+ yrs!), I defer it with 'it's too late today and not on my way home, maybe tomorrow.' Long before tomorrow she forgets. The last time it was winter and I took a chance telling her they were in FL. She pondered it and then said they used to do that. I was afraid she would ask why they didn't invite her.
It's sad there are unscrupulous people who do this to others. It's even harder when we find out after the fact, when so much is stolen - you might blame yourself for not realizing it was happening, but there's no way you could know unless you had partial/full control of finances. Not knowing she had an issue, it isn't likely you were involved in her finances.
For others in this situation, if you realize it/take control, I suggest freezing the person's credit. OP said mom started getting money elsewhere to send it out - freezing credit (has to be done at all 3 bureaus and may require POA or atty assistance) would prevent opening new credit/getting loans. It wouldn't prevent the selling of her furniture, but in a way she did save you some time getting rid of it! Not good if there were items you would've liked to keep for her or as remembrances, but there wouldn't be much you could do about that either, unless you were watching her every move.
"I realize she is sick, but she has continually lied and covered up her scamming and that has made me angry as well."
The scamming/hiding makes one feel angry, esp if you had a good relationship before. It seems like she distrusted you, but trusted them. Maybe angry, but once the diagnosis is made, it becomes more understandable. Inside she was likely aware of it being bad/wrong, but couldn't help herself, but she was aware enough to hide it. Our mother made errors, but it was peanuts in comparison. I avoided the move (brothers did it - she refused to move anywhere - they made a phony letter from the hospital which said she moves to the place we choose, or they would place her - angry, but she reluctantly went.) After the move, she hounded YB every visit to take her back to the condo, but never asked me! I believe somewhere deep inside, she knows better. I stayed away for 2 wks (they ordered Lorazepam, just in case.)
"She called me again this morning being very nice, but wanted me to bring her a new phone. I just told her I'd see about it, but obviously a new phone is the last thing she needs. The facility actually says she is eating well, talking to others, etc., while she makes it sound like they are torturing her."
A new phone? Could you bring a phone? Cute, but not expensive? Use it as a treat or gift. Distraction can be your friend, as can little white lies. A suggestion others have made is to go and observe. Don't let her or staff know you're there. Often when people do this, they see the person engaged in activity/socializing, but when they see you, the complaints and anger start! You've heard this from staff, check it out yourself! If/when she becomes unruly/angry, make an excuse and leave. Sometimes this can "retrain" them in a way. Not always, but sometimes. If nothing else, it alleviates some anger and stress in yourself if you remove yourself, before it builds up in you.
But you know your mom and should use your own gut instincts to guide you.
please hang in there! I have experienced the same thing. My mother also has dementia and delusional paranoia (jealousy type)
The home advised me not to visit for a couple of weeks and then not everyday until she settled in. I hate to say but for my mum it took her about 12 months to finally settle. The anger subsided although she was not happy and kept asking me to take her home. I just said yes next time and changed the subject.
It can be hard at times try and stay strong, allow time for yourself - remember she’s still your mum and you need to not take things personally.
With time she will calm down, she will adjust to her new life and that will become her home.
Hang in there!
My dad had been living on his own and doing ok until he had to have surgery to repair a bowel obstruction. He went to a nursing home/rehab for 3 months. While there, his verbal abuse had me so angry I walked out several times. Even the nurses and aides were shocked by his behavior. We took him home on 24 hour care for 2 years and it was ok as long as he was taking Ativan twice a day. He was still argumentative and obstinate with me and my husband, but got along with everyone else including my brother. I actually think our trouble was that we were so much alike. Long story short, we put him in assisted living about a year ago. He got kicked out of one and we found another where he got along ok. By this time his dementia had gotten so much worse that he no longer fought to leave. He passed away in July.
I don’t have any answers for you, except that in the last days, my dad told me he loved me..”he loves her” and held my hand. I’m still hurting, but talking about it, helps. I lost my dad long before he actually passed and that makes me the saddest because I know that he was worried about that.
Hang in there! You are doing your best and that’s all you can do!
She may stop being angry if she can integrate herself into the activities and find friends. For the last 6 months I have seen scammers all the time in the Facebook game Words with Friends. I am so lonely that I will talk with them until they make me their scammer offer. So far I have not lost any money. But I dread running into a true professional who will break my heart.
A friend of mine told me "you can have a boyfriend at any age if sex is involved". But I was married faithfully for 38 years and think that sex belongs inside marriage. I am in the in-between stage. My mother died 3 years ago and I am still handling her estate. My husband left 2 years ago. I have a house I can't take care of, but am leary of moving in with my daughter (who has invited me). I am afraid I will lose my civil rights and not be treated as an equal or even an adult.
I've been on dating sites, but this is a bad time to start over. I haven't been able to make myself meet anyone. Maybe this is all just a normal part of aging. Wish I could meet a good man and settle down again. But that may not happen. Many women after a divorce don't remarry and make a life without male companionship. I just need to figure out how they do that.
So, in the end it was kids, house, work - some time for me, mainly when the kids were at their dad's, so I didn't take time away from them (saw this happening to other kids, no way!)
Post kids? Work, work, house, work and kitties! Some time for other activities, but mostly work and keeping up with the house. IF Prince Charming happened to come along, of course I would still be cautious. If he were really and truly that magical man, maybe, but I am not going to make myself miserable or compromise my values by seeking him out.
It is so hard to be criticized and chewed on when you know that you are doing the best you can and you are making sacrifices to help. No gratitude attitude is a challenge. I tell my dad, I am not looking for heartfelt thanks, just stop criticizing every single thing we do for you and saying that we have ruined things. He can tell anyone and everyone that he thinks I am crap, but I won't just agree to be punished by him for his perspective of the truth. I am not guilty of his accusations and I refuse to blame his disease and give him a free pass, if he can treat others like human beings then he can treat me and my husband the same. It is okay for you to not agree to be her scratching post because she is sick. She can be civil to others, then you can demand civility from her or you can stay as far away as you need to.
I think parents feel entitled to take their anger and frustration out on their children and others tell us we have to accept it because they are sick, not true, you can say I won't be available to get torn to shreds because you are ill. If they can treat 1 person kindly they can treat everyone the same. I know it is hard to be seen as the enemy, but you have done the best you can and now it is time to let the professionals handle her.
Remember, she wasn't happy before the facility, she probably won't be happy in the facility, not your responsibility to make her happy, your responsibility was to ensure her safety and wellbeing, you have done that.
It could take her 6 months to adjust, so be patient and let go of trying to make her happy. She will find it herself or she won't, nothing you do will alter that. But you can be at peace knowing that she is safe, fed, warm and out of scammers reach.
You did a great job for your mom, whether she acknowledges it or not doesn't change that.
Is there guilt, you betcha! But, you will get through it. Put your heart aside & they clarity will be there. She will never admit it to me (because of her memory loss), but the nurses and other staff see her having fun at activities, which is comfort for me.
Wish you the best!
They have been in AL for a year now and occasionally we still get an earful because they "hate it" and it's all our fault. But when I talk to the staff, they are interacting, eating and joining in with the community, so I don't worry about it too much. It's definitely a challenge and the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
After she had a couple falls and a few other medical incidents, she was more tolerant of accepting help. Eventually, her vascular dementia took most of her memory away. She is in skilled nursing now. We have good visits 4 times a week, and she can still be in the moment and joke around with me. Plus she can still be a pistol when she doesn't like something, but staff members are experienced and have good skills.
With your mother's type of dementia, learn what factors may prevent her from remaining in assisted living. It's good to plan for the next level of care.
For now you both are making a major adjustment. Your skin will thicken and your heart will grow more compassionate as time goes on. I have found support group meetings very helpful.
You are a wonderful daughter. Your mom is safe now and you can nurture your own well being. As is often stated in this forum, don't let her disease take you down.
Our guardianship and moving mom into assisted living was also a hard one done under protest from mom. The facility suggested not coming by for at least a month, so she had time to adjust there and wasn't focused on us. That seemed to give her enough time to make a disconnect with the move. But, in our situation, mom still goes back and forth...some days she likes us, other days she's mad. You never know what might trigger her. We just go to see her and if she sees us, great, and if she pretends to be asleep, we stay for a bit and then leave, and if she's mean mugging us (just glaring and silent), we stay and she sometimes snaps out of it, and if she's violent, we leave and try again another day.
It's a process, where a couple more weeks of no-contact could help, but you still might not get to the point where she is always calm and not mad at you. You know you did the right thing, but it won't always be easy. That's the disease.
It is always funny how they complain to family about how horrible a place is, but they often are actually enjoying themselves! Being occupied is good, as it will take the mind off (hopefully) the things they are fixated on. Mom isn't really a "socializer", but staff does sometimes get her "busy" with group or individual activities. She continued to harp on YB about going back to the condo for about 9 months. Then her focus was on their previous home AND her mother (sold home 25 years ago, mom gone about 40 years!)
A good suggestion for those unsure whether to believe the complaints is to try to visit "incognito." No need to disguise yourself, but go at different times of day and try to unobtrusively observe. I have read at least one person's account where they reported the LO seemed to be having a really good time, until s/he realized the person was there, and then it was woe me Sad Sack time!
So many seniors fall victim to the Sweetheart Scammers, I am starting to believe that there is dementia involved in most every case. You did the right thing, she would have continued to send them money,,,cause they love her...don't you know!
Just sit tight things will calm down.
Sending support your way.