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My mother has been having “tip of tongue” word stumbling since beginning of pandemic. Her conversation skills have also declined; she replies “huh…wow” to almost anything but doesn’t seem to retain the info. I have to tell her again the next day because she insists “you never told me.”


Now the memory problems seemed to have progressed…She’s having trouble with technology (off and on, can’t remember how to send an email; remote control won’t work; landline phone isn’t charged; a bill wasn’t paid). I went to her apt and was shocked to find she and my 51 year old sister are living in mountains of boarded items and food. My sister is the hoarder but my mom seems to like it or be used to it. I tried to tidy up and she became angry, verbally abusive and confused. Threatened to call the police. It was terrifying; she was like another person. Now that I’m back to calling her every day and out of her space, her personality is back to itself. Maybe I don’t live with her so I don’t see the decline. My sister is mentally ill and doesn’t want to acknowledge it; just says mom is “mean.” But I’m so worried she will fall or set fire to the place. She won’t allow a cleaning lady to come either. Is she embarrassed? Afraid? What is going on?

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Hoarding is a mental illness, and cleaning someone's place without their consent just doesn't work.

You can call the town and see if your sister's home is violating any codes, in which case, they could threaten eviction so your mom is in a safer space. Protective Services could also help your mom get out if the situation is so bad it's unhealthy (it usually is).

But it's rare that a person will be kicked out of their home for hoarding, because the town would then have to find them housing at the taxpayer's cost.

As for your mom's decline, she may have depression made worse by the pandemic (like a lot of us). But she may also have some kind of cognitive decline. Leave your sister alone as much as you can and focus on getting an evaluation for your mom. I'm so sorry…hoarding is awful for families.
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I'm sorry that you are dealing with this.

Yes, as TeethGrinder65 noted, hoarding is a form of mental illness and any touching or even moving of her hoard will result in her rage. You may wish to consult with a therapist who deals with hoarding for insights and strategies so you can develop healthy boundaries and better engagement with her. You cannot fix her, she needs to want to do it herself.

I would remove your mother from that situation. Even if it requires reporting it to APS. At the very least your mom should have a physical to see if there's anything else going on with her that may be treatable (like a UTI, thyroid problem, vitamin deficiency, over- or under-medication of OTC or prescription meds — like for sleep or pain or thyroid — dehydration, high blood pressure, diabetes). These can all create dementia-like symptoms or worsen existing dementia symptoms. Once this is done she can be tested for cogntive and memory impairment.

Is anyone your Mom's PoA? If it's your sister...ugh. I would act to protect your Mom from her. She can't protect herself.
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I have a sibling who is a hoarder, it’s awful to deal with. We’ve cleaned out the mess twice, upon his request when he was going to “get organized and do better” only to watch it all return. I won’t do it again unless he’s passed away. I hope you can act to help mom. Sounds like dementia of some sort is possible now. First step is a good medical evaluation. She may not cooperate, I hope you can get her there even if a lie has to be told to make it happen. Any idea if legal documents are in place? I think mom has become desensitized to your sister’s condition and combined with her own growing confusion doesn’t know what to do anymore. I hope you can find a way to help, even if it comes to reporting her to Adult Protective Services. I’m sorry for it all
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Two separate problems living in one mess. Mentally ill hoarding sister is one part. Mother who is progressing from Mild Cognitive Impairment to dementia is the other part. I suggest you work on getting appropriate care for mom and get her placed in a safer environment. If you get that done then consider yourself having achieved a success. The hoarding sister's situation may not be fixable and you should consider quitting while you're ahead. Let APS know about her and let it go.
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