I know this is terrible but will it ever end?

vstefans it was the wine! and afternormal is the name of a book my daughter wrote. Its her memory's from after her brother died he was 9 she was 14

today he got his feeding tube out! But he is so tired and week from the biopsy on his arm last week. but the tube is out and he is eating.

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way but at least now I have some insight as to why.

I think those thoughts come with burnout and depression. Depression of wanting our lives back how they were. I have those thoughts daily. Just wishing it would all end. I feel so ashamed at te same time. Guilt for having those thoughs yet guilt and resentment for not feeling I can be with my 5 kids as much. Feel like I'm losing at both ends. I know it will end but realistically it could be years. My kids will be grown. 😔

just sending you a hug!

afternormal - love the handle - did you mean too much whine or too much wine?

hope the surgery for the cancer on the arm is a minor one. he's a sweetheart at heart even if his memory is going.

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement.

What a special guy you have there! (And make no mistake; YOU'RE special too.)

came home tonight and went into my bed room all my sweats pants and shirts were clean and folded on my bed!!!!id you washed my sweats?? he sais yes if you wore them one more night I was going take you to the homeless shelter!!! love this guy

He now has a cancer on his arm so more surgery! This poor man he was just getting a little stronger and now this. He is trying so. I just want to cry for him . when I was going to work today I had a tire low, so came home and took his car. When I got home tonight he had took my car to shop and fixed the tire. This is a guy who can barley walk!!!

no I do not go to church, did many years ago and know a church family can be a lot of help. but when I needed that help it wasn't there. And do not have the belief anymore. Will not go to a church but thank you for the thoughts

That is a lot to deal with do you go to church I found strength in God with my pastor and friends of church find a faith build church can I ask where do you live I can help you find a church I am praying for you ♡

He actually went for a walk today! seems to be getting stronger. Still on tube but trying to eat some in the last two days. But worried about mind

OK its taken me a while but I did go buy some meat and cooked it (once!!) He went to dr last week and they told him he has low blood platelets should go to hematologist . NOPE they just stick you! much has happened but today he was going to try to eat a bake potato. and he had a potato in his hand put it down and said don't we have any potatoes? I said you had one in your hand. He said OH I did??/ I"M scared

After, sometimes when people are losing control they try and grab onto whatever they can control - like whether or not you can cook meat in the house! And I think this is what is happening to you. He is trying his darndest to control you in whatever way he can. There are no right answers here only choices you can make. Turn the fan on when you cook, you pay for the food after all, so you can eat what you want. If he is a vegetarian, fine, but you don't have to be. Being a caregiver is stressful enough without someone telling you what you can or cannot eat. This is a personal choice. If the weather is ok where you are, go for a walk and give yourself some special me time - reading a book, whatever makes you happy, and remember boundries, just because he is sick doesn't mean that he makes all the rules, rmember to be gentle on yourself and give what you can but no more than that. You still have a right to your own life, without guilt. Blessings to you, Lindaz.

wow! thats a long time care giving... i think i'd have run away by now! I'm sure you are fed up of all the praising and glorifying and just wish you could breath again without that niggling feeling at the back of your mind that just never lets up... gotta feed, gotta wipe, gotta adjust, gotta change, gotta bath, gotta pay attention... constantly, gotta feed, gotta wipe, gotta adjust, gotta change, gotta bath, gotta pay attention... constantly, gotta feed, gotta wipe, gotta adjust, gotta change, gotta bath, gotta pay attention... constantly is this misery-go-round. Just start to 'not want to run from this', if you can just sit with a cup of tea and sit in 'acceptance', and take a few breaths and accept that you want it all to go... its allowed you know :) Its how i'm trying to, every single minute of every single day ... trying to accept that i need to accept!!

God will help you threw He did it for me

K to much wine and I am saying way too much!!! sorry

He told me when I fried a steak that It make him sick to his stomach! the smell then he went to his swallowing therapy the next day and they told him he could not smell!!!! Control!!! I know but I haven't cooked any meat in-house scene thine

Ok so I don't cook meat in house( yes this pisses me off) and he dosent eat food so now I buy all my own food! f he doesn't eat it why should he pay for it? When I first went on here I did it under discussions might explain how I feel!

I agree with every thing iIndaz said But he dose not have Alz. He has Cancer and a lot of other health prob. and yes he is a fighter! getting better ever day! He will prob out live me! With me taking care of him! I'm tired, don't want him to die( yes I do) and feel so guilty! He controls my life ! when all he did was sleep and I feed him 7 times a day ( peg tube) and took care of the wounds and went to rad every day and chemo 2 times a week, and all the other Dr apt! I was fine! now he is getting better but cant stand the smell if I make a pork chop or a steak! God he was a vegatern ! cant smell meat!!! I loved making myself a dinner of my choose! think my thing was why is when he is getter better. I am getting worse OR so sad!

Will it end? Yes it will end and it will be a relief to you and to all that have cared for your loved one. My mom just died on Sunday after a long battle with Alz. I was there and watched her pass over. I am so glad she doesn't need to suffer any more. She was bad off for the past 8 years and was no longer able to eat, drink or blink her eyes. Alz. is a horrible disease that affects the entire family, from when they are first diagnosed and become paranoid (people stealing from them) to the moderate stage where they become, often, mean and angry, to the end stage where they can no longer do anything for themselves. So yes, it will end, and you will be sad and tired and relieved that it is finally over. Blessings to all, Linda

Try to maintain your love for your spouse, your patience and your as sanity. My beloved mother just passed on June 28, 2014 and I so wish that I could have handled my caregiving responsibilities better. I am now living with so many regrets...pray, pray to God for the strength to see above the forest for the trees. I became so self centered that I just wish I could have been kinder to my wonderful deceased mother.

Stay centered.
Our

cmshul, I am in the same situation with my Mom 92 getting more frail, she states the same wish, and she is bedridden now and only leaves the house in a wheelchair when the van service takes her to doctor's appointments. I am her only caregiver and she does have a nurse come in for multiple health issues. Physical therapy keeps saying they can get her to stand or walk again for the last 7 months and that just isn't going to happen. These health concerns just make life all the harder because one remedy for one thing causes the next to get worse. I am very depressed some days, but take it one day at a time and any little thing that I can improve on, or just getting through another day, I consider a major accomplishment. Hugs to you.

Everyone has different thoughts about the kind of care they want. Your husband sounds like a fighter. Make sure his physician discusses all options that are available. It sounds like you can use some caregiver services such as support and respite. Contact your local area agency on aging or bureau of senior services for information, they will be able to discuss options and should have a support group. It's not terrible to have thoughts or feelings of doom, you are under a lot of stress. Talk to your physician about how you feel, you need to take care of yourself first or you won't be able to care for anyone else.

He would tell me he could take of himself! And at this point he prob could. He has been feeding himself most of the time I still do the 7pm one just easier for me to do it, But he does the 7am himself now. Cap that is some image!!! Well I will be working more and I thank that will help me, just being out of here.

i have a neigbhor a couple miles away whos 93 yr old dad screws a full bottle of wine into his feeding tube about once a week . good luck ever getting that image out of your head . the man was never a booze drinker either -- hes self medicating .

Is there a facility in your town where your husband could stay for a few days to give you a break? It sounds like he may not qualify for assisted living because of the feeding tube, but what about a skilled care facility? It sounds like you are stretched to the limit and a couple of days to get some good sleep and catch up on other things you need to do might help. Surely he can see how stressed and worn out you are and would agree to a little break for you.

Wish I had more guts! I want out so bad

cmshul, it sounds like you are your mother's sole companion. I know that it is hard. So many of our problems would be solved if our parents were more social. We could drop them off at their meetings and luncheons with friends. They would have a good time and it would give us a break from responsibilities.

I understand why it gets more difficult to leave the house. Spouse and friends are gone and there is so little for older people to do. There are the senior centers, but really I wonder if the people who go to these every day don't get bored with it. It would drive me crazy to play card for hours on end.