Will I ever be me, ever again?

Katie: That's right, keep it simple. Actually many people dread the holidays.

I just dread these holidays coming up...like there isn't enough to deal with. I am keeping it as low key as possible, which we usually do anyhow. I am noticing an uptick in crime already as the holidays approach and the pressure is on to spend. It actually feels good to pull back and keep it all very simple, if at all.

Thanks, Salisbury...I was hoping for that exact outcome! I appreciate your input. 😊

Grammie,

I do not think it is so terrible to cancel the holidays. When my daughter was at her worst as a teenager, I do mean the very worst, she ruined every meal, we just stopped inviting her for birthday and anniversary dinners. she had made us all feel so uncomfortable for so many years and it was a total waste of money. Without her we had a relaxed time. We still loved her, of course, and we still did HER birthday with her.

Sometimes you just have to get real and practical and face reality.

The funny thing was/is: she never noticed. Years went by and she wasn't invited, say, to my mom's birthday dinner, and she never noticed. Never asked.

If you treat the holiday like any other day, your mom probably won't even notice.

Lovely poem but agree with Goldilocks the freedom has a sting in its tale when the person you are caring for dies. Yes you will be a different stronger person eventually and will know you did all you could. Life changes all the time and so do you.

Love what glasshalffull had to say. The poem is very true. The saddest part is that once we are free, we have lost the one we love and for a time feel lost ourselves.

Thank You to a Care Giver
(for Jonhjoe )

You are the "Me" you thought was lost
but experiences of caregiving comes with a cost
Each day as you toil to care for that soul
Will give you new parts to add to your "whole".

No other job can make you so weary
And make you question your ability to see clearly
Can keep you from vacations and lose you friends
Give you hours that seem to never end.

But you can look at yourself at the end of the day
And know that, no matter what others say.
That you made a difference and showed that you care
by being the one who chose to be there.

And some day when this caregiving whirlwind is done
You'll be the "Me" from before, but a much stronger one.
So hang in there caregiver, and one day you'll see,
You cared for your loved one and now you are free.

Stargazer, that is so true. I can feel myself changing as these years unfold.

The "me" you are now, you will never be again. Actually, that is true of much of life which calls for our chosen responses to it daily.

Grammy,

Your post made me drop my dentures! I couldn't have said it better myself.

John,

Bless you man.

There are things that happen in life that are MEANT to change you. To deny that is to remain stagnant. If it wasn't this, it would be some other life-altering event. That is life.

My mother said after living with us an an invalid for many years " I have ruined your retirement"! Quite true and now I care for my husband but I look on it as my role in life. We lived all round the world until nearly 30 years ago - then halt! I view this as my role in life as I find other outlets when I have a moment, Nature, animals ,worthwhile causes to sign petitions for. Books I always meant to read when I get the time. Not Church but I do pray. I mean to survive this and truly hope you will too!

I can't answer this question fully because my mom took care of dad until he no longer could be home. he is in a NH now and being taken care of better than mom could handle. and for GRAMMYM - its a good thing those people are in church if they are giving you stares.......I believe in God, say prayers multi times a day and appreciate all my senses, etc. but I think of the judging people, prejudice people that we had in our church and often thought why are you there, but its a good thing they are, now if only they could learn a little lesson.
We are all changed in some way, some for the better; some not.

My children have had to grow up around the family denials & juggling and guilt of my siblings.. Merry way is about right. A decade &half and going...when will they get it...In-laws even worse...:(

The answer you want is yes, but sadly it comes with a price, which is your loved one's death.

I have had mom in my home for going on 3 yrs now . I am 63 and no family period.Brother died 2 yrs ago snd left all money to wife. I dropped contact with her because she was no help and accused me of wanting a lump sum. Well brother said he was leaving money for mom but she could change it and she differ. I have always been there for mom. Helped buy new car ,dentures etc furniture for small mobile home I have tried to save for myself never thought I would be in this situation all alone. I too used to be more outgoing. I have one or two friends who have been here .everyone else has disappeared from my life.i now spend all my time just trying to keep mom dry.she gets around 1000 month but not enough and falls in crack for medicaid. All this to say, you're not alone. I will continue day to day until have to go to NH because I feel this May kill me.i have been on antidepressants, increased bp med etc. we do this out of love. I just hope I make it through this to have a few years of retirement to enjoy. After 3 yrs. I still hear my sisterinlaw telling me to use 7 thousand I got from moms trailer all she ownedf and then she would pay half of assisted living cause that's what my brother would have done. My brother would have had half this responsibility also. So instead I went no contact with her. Haven't heard a word in 2 yrs. she got all money and no responsibility. Did well. Please tell me there is a god to do vengeance. Best of luck to you.please talk to therapist. It did help me some

I agree with the others - you will be a new you. I know this first hand. For 18 years I was a 24/7 caregiver to my son. After losing him, I didn't know who I was poor what to do with my day. My very existence revolved around him. I slowly figured it out and got life on track. NOW, Dad has moved in and my caregiving journey has begun again. Concerned about the bitterness that I was already beginning to feel, I reached out on this site and received the strength to not let Dad completely take over. I Ann happy to say that I have had 2 job interviews (at the same place) and am expecting a call to begin work soon. Although he had a lot of medical things going on, Dad is still capable of being alone. I think I'm going too enjoy this new ME. And I know this won't be the last time that I reinvent myself. HANG IN THERE. Take a few minutes each day for yourself. Pray and give thanks that you are able to do for your mom (because I know noone else will thank you or atleast 2 of my 3 siblings dont. contRary day, better you than me and go on their merry way).

This uncertainty of how long is why, in addition to my hopes and dreams list, that I try to take it one day at a time and get enjoyment from the little things that I can right now. Many enjoyable little things add up....good cup of coffee, sunsets, looking at art books, pumpkin ice cream....whatever makes you happy!

I am at the beginning of a caregiving journey that looks likely to span two decades for two different people. If I wait till they pass, I will be quite old and given the hit on my health that has already occurred I doubt I'll be in any position to enjoy my life when the time comes. And I have other family and no "slave" children to feel obligated to make things ok for me when my time comes. What all this means to me is that things have to change NOW, that I can't wait for someday. Somehow I have to find the balance of doing what I can live with for those I am and will be responsible for and not throwing my life down the drain. Because someday may never come.

Amen Johnjoe! I feel eactly the same. Too many years caregiving for two parents with the help of my husband. Mom has since passed..but dad is hanging in there. We have done this about 10 years now and it's getting worse. The worst part is the family is upset not being in the will because plain and simple...they are selfish. I'm tired of hearing...sorry...i'm too selfish...i want to swim in my pool...and they are mad at dad because they are not pulling their weight. I know after this i will never be the same...but thats ok because i know i did the right thing. You won't be the same either but it's ok. Change is good and how could we be the same after our caregiving experience? Just know you're an angel and when it's over...the new you will be ok. Hugs!

Wow. I am no expert and I am not the main caregiver but I do help my father with my mother who has Parkinsons/ Dementia. The anguish I feel for both of them is overwhelming. She doesnt know whats going on and he is aging by the day. I can tell you Johnjoe that it takes a special person to do all that you do!! Remember how horrible things are and how you feel at times but then imagine NOT helping how would you even begin to feel then. I am a mother myself and it gives me great joy to see my children help with my mothers care and show so much compassion, its not much of a life without that!! Not everyone has a heart you know and you were blessed with an enormous one! Your mother did a wonderful job raising you and now you are returning the love she gave to you. Keep that close to your heart! God Bless and keep well!

JohnJoe,

I send you a big hug. I oftne ask that quesiton. And here is what I am telling myself:

This is it. I need to enjoy every day. Life is not next year. Life is not after my mother and husband pass away. Life is today--now. I need to find a way to be grateful to be alive and to find some fun and enjoyment in each day.

In two weeks I am getting a little dog and I am going to have fun with her. She is a joyful little creature.

Carpe diem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank You all Fellow Caregiver's for Your honesty and for re setting My compass.
Each post really struck a cord with Me. I'm very lucky as I have NO resentment towards Mom, how could I ? It's the isolation and the loneliness that's killing Me.
Where once not too long ago I would have been considered very out going, and good company..now I've become a Recluse. I take great encouragement fromYou Who have travelled this journey before Me, and I am very thankful for Your advice, and encouragement. I read that 40% of all Alzheimer's Caregiver's suffer from stress or a breakdown, and I'm determined that Alzheimer's will not conquer Me. Finally My thanks to AgingCare.Com for this wonderful site which has brought all of Us Caregiver's together. It is very true A TROUBLE SHARED IS A TROUBLE HALVED...Your support is priceless. Thank You all, from John Joe. 🇮🇪

I have to agree with the others who have posted....you will be you, just not the same you will have more compassion then you did before...and that is a good thing. I helped my dad take care of my mom for many years - she had a very long run with Alz. and it was, I think, more difficult on the family than it was for her. Certainly it changed all of us in many ways. I now live with and help care for my dad (86) and, thankfully, he does not have dementia! But he has other health issues like myasthenia gravis etc. I am thankful for every good day that we have, once you know the worst all else seems easier! Blessings to you, Lindaz

I know this experience will change me and I don't know how yet. I am keeping a little list of what I would like to do if the caregiving ends someday. If you feel guilty doing this you can always tuck the list away somewhere to refer or add to it later. I also thought of keeping a list of the things I really like...hobbies I have given up etc. Even what my favorite color is, how I like to decorate, places I would visit, etc. Allow yourself to be happy with the small daily things right now, and this helps you keep in touch with yourself, what you enjoy, hopes and dreams, etc.

I hear your question loud and clear! No, we will never be the same again...our perspectives on life, death and aging have changed us but we will be better and stronger for the valiant efforts we have made for our loved ones. We won't let the anger, guilt, heartbreak and fatigue turn us into weaker, lesser versions of ourselves...we now choose to be more compassionate, patient and thankful. It's our choice to let the experience make us or break us. I choose the former and hope you do too!

Things have gotten so bad with my mother's attitude, that we have actually cancelled the holidays this year...being a close- knit family who look forward to that time of year, this was a difficult decision...we don' t know how she will act when everyone is around...we decided that wiping the holidays off the calender this year, although it may upset some family members, is the lesser of two evils in this case...my husband & I are in a state of clinical depression & won't be looking forward to the festivities anyway...sad, but true.

I can relate to SallySad. There are two types of caregivers: the ones who embrace it lovingly and the ones who fight daily to maintain a semblance of normal life while meeting their obligations and desires to be a good child caregiver. I am in a similar situation but after almost one year of this recognize my boundaries of how much I can do. I largely take things day by day, because it is too scary and overwhelming to think about the years ahead and possible caregiving at age 65 or older!! I will do what I can for as long as I can. No one knows the future. We all do our best.

Thank you johnjoe for your question. It's exactly how I feel. And the worst part of all of it is the ending is when they die and how can you wish your parents dead? So no, I do not think anything will ever be the same.

It's been almost 10 months since my 63 tr old husband died from FTD, after 5 yrs of care taking. No, I will never be the same.