Will I ever be me, ever again?

Two years after the death of my 94 year old mother, for whom I was the primary caregiver for many years though she had other attendants, I still feel burned out and not quite myself. But I'm optimistic that I will be again.
She had some form of dementia, but always recognized me and most of the family. It was hard because we didn't always get along well even before she needed me, and because my brother died toward the end of her life... She was quite clear she'd have preferred it be I.
I feel I will recover and I am sure you will too but if your parent is still living, please take time for yourself so you don't feel shipwrecked at the end!

Calysta: Please reach out to your church pastor or psychiatrist STAT! If you cannot wait, call the Suicide Hotline.

Calista, we learn best from those who have traveled a similar road. Please re-read Jeannegibbs' comment.

I have a family member with major depressive disorder so I see the struggles of clinical depression. Add that to all of your caregiving challenges and it would sometimes seem like giving up is the answer. It is not. You will survive. If you are truly close to suicide do call the hotline in your community. These people are trained to help you. Please keep in touch.
Carol

Oh Calysta, please do not consider suicide! There is so much more to life than caring for your parents. You do have a choice about caring for your Dad, it sounds as if it is time for him to go into a care facility. If not longterm, please ask for immediate respite care!! There are many of us out there that feel as you do...and some of us are unlucky enough to have no other support as you do not. WE care if you are here or not, WE care if you survive this and all most all of us on this site would be more than willing to be your emotional support! Please, please contact as many agencies, churches, support groups as you can in your area to get as much immediate respite care and support as you can! Also, please look into getting counseling for yourself....you are a worthy person! And all of us need your experiences and advice to help US when we find ourselves in your position. Blessings to you, LindaZ.

Calysta, you lost your career, friends, and health. I'm not going to minimize that or sugar-coat it. You are hanging in there for the the sake of taking care of your father. What a generous, compassionate personality you must have!

You are right. Sometimes genetics or other factors totally outside of our control have huge impacts on our lives. You have only to look at your parents and know that what life dealt them was not fair and was not their fault.

You may never get your health back. Your Dad isn't getting his back. But with treatment you may at least improve. I have major depressive disorder. I did nothing to deserve that ... I guess it just came with the gene set. I take medication for it, and have learned techniques to manage it. In spite of the burden I'm a fairly happy person ... and part of what makes me happy is my generosity and compassion. Those are very valuable assets that you have!

I am truly sorry that you lost your friends, just when you really need some. But there are hundreds of potential new friends in your community -- and you just need one or two. You don't have to start working on this tomorrow, but it is something to hope for in the future.

Calysta, continue to hang in there, for Dad. And after he is gone, continue to hang in there for you. You deserve another chance at some happiness. There is hope that you can find some!

Call the Suicide Hot Line.

Calysta,

The fact that you are writing this here is a first step towards looking for help.

Something somewhere inside of you knows that there is still life in you. Look around, read this site and others, There are lots of people who have illnesses and disadvantages who have learned to live again.

Get thee to a therapist. the right therapist can make a world of difference. Don't forget: lots of people deal with adversity by having a sense of humor. You can do that, too--though it may not seem like it at this time. First, take care of yourself and get the help you need.

I struggled like you all for about 5 years and then I made some changes: saw a counselor to cope with depression, took charge of my feelings and sorted out what I can't control (my mother's emotions), found an independent place for her to live, found a better place for me to live, found helpers to minister to Mom's needs and keep my helping to one day a week plus a phone call a day. Did research online and used everything at my disposal.

Kept and developed my sense of anger, called my friends regularly, took exercise classes, kept learning about food and nutrition, and am continuing on with progress. Develop some mental acrobatics to keep sane: my mantra is "I'm a happy girl!".

Human beings can be amazing.

Calysta, I felt that way many times while going through my Mom's care 24/7, and with my husband's health issues, then some of mine began. I just got through each day on autopilot...then I started seeking out the very small things that made me happy, even if that happiness was momentary.Those small moments still count and add up. It is an up and down journey though. My Mom passed in January and it seems I am still fighting a battle with depression on many days and dealing with many other things. I am thinking my happiness will come back in fits and starts and it seems to be. After my Mom passed, I was feeling so low and a friend of mine asked, "what have you always wanted to do?" My reaction was that it isn't about " want".... that my life is ruled by the words "Can't, No, Don't and Won't"....That feeling is beginning to go away but slowly with small steps. Those words are now at least being replaced by "try". I do hope that you can see someone to talk to and maybe get some medication to make you feel better. I am taking things one day at a time and that seems to be helping. {{Hugs}}, Katie.

It concerns me that you are thinking about suicide every day. I hope that you have or will get a therapist to talk with about this. Plus, I hope that you are on some medication for your depression and if you are will tell whoever prescribed it about your pattern of thought.

I will not get my life back. I've lost too much. I won't stronger or better. Looking back on the past, I can see how my own illness contributed to the destruction of my life. It wasn't just the fault of my parents' disease. They both had Alzheimer's. Dad is still alive. We have bad genetics. Depression, anxiety, Alzheimer's, lung issues, and various bone/blood cancers. I lost my career, friends, and my health. I would have regretted 'not' caring for my parents, but it's also true that I had no choice. With no siblings or spouse to assist, I struggle alone with my responsibilities and lonlieness. I think about suicide every day. I just have to hold it together while Dad is alive, and then I can let go of this existence. I have no strength or desire to start my life again.

JohnJoe, I'm in a similar situation. It seems like my life has been irretrievably broken. Right now, the path back to a normal life seems to be completely lost. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of it, though.

Is it enough? No, not really; but it's something.

Yes Chickengranny I can relate to Your post as it is so similar to Mine. I have three Brother's and I get zero help, just suggestions. It's been 24/7 since October 2013 and I do pray that My health will stand up to this challenge. Mother did go for RESTBITE CARE on January 6 last but alas only lasted 21 hours.
CarlaB My great fear is that I will not be able for the next chapter of My Life, UNLESS I do right by My Mom. When I had three brain operations My Mother really did take care of Me. Even though being a full time CAREGIVER is very demanding, and all of Us have put Our Lives on hold, I will not abandon My post.
I will go the full distance caring for Mom, as She's been My greatest Critic and best Friend, the only Person in this World that I would trust with My Life.

No, you will not be who you used to be because once you gain more experience and learn more, you'll be more evolved and wiser.

Hey, Captain. Good to hear from you! So what's life for you like now? Is Edna still living? I forget where you left off. I always thought that you'd be perfect for a TV show.

Ah Captain I see you still have the same sweet disposition that we all know and love.

This forum just hasn't been as spicy without you. :)

im a joker , people . i like to laugh . that could be beneficial to a person forfeiting their current existence to fulfill once in a lifetime family obligations .
so ban me !! . ive been banned from everything but ebay and theyre making serious frowny faces .
moderators !! . wake the hell up .

Eddie
I wish I was organized to plan a Military style operation right now! You have the training which is great. You are so right - the time disappears
immediately unless controlled. I must get a plan - otherwise everything will get screwed up even more!. Many thanks for this message.

I'm in the same boat with chickengranny and SallySoSad. I especially related to this "I am not one who is embracing this caregiver stuff. I WANT my life back and I fight to get it back each and every day and at the same time, I'm getting sucked deeper and deeper into the caregiver hole."

I have been tethered to my mother for 5+ years now, living in a place I don't like and living a life I don't want to live. Every time I think I've found an escape route, something else falls through and I'm dragged in deeper than ever. I hate this more every day, as I feel my last best years slipping away from me with nothing to show for it. I have siblings, but most of them live too far away to help and the ones that live close by are not able or willing to provide the amount of help my mother needs.

Right now my mother is having at least 2 medical appointments per week, as well as all the shopping, errands, housework and other junk that needs to be done for her. Meanwhile one of my local siblings is very sick in a hospital and the other is available for only a few hours per week, if that.

I took this on willingly at first, but at the time I believed my mother was likely to live another 2-3, maybe 5 at the absolute most. I couldn't imagine that people could live so long in a state of physical impairment and with multiple health problems. I was willing to give up 2-3 years to help her at the end of life, but it's been more than 5 years now and she seems to be nowhere near the end. I'm at the end of my rope though, with hating this life and wanting with all my heart to move back up north and start a new chapter in my life. I just can't wait until this is finally over. The end can't come soon enough for me.

SallySad. I have been caring for my mother for about 5 years now and I know what you mean by I have NO LIFE. I struggle to live her life and mine. All I can say is I know how you feel, only difference is I have a brother and sister. who will do nothing. Bless your heart!

Eddie and Country Chick,

Those were really unforgettable shares. Eddie, you are so right. We make many commitments in life--we CHOOSE to--that we know will change our lives.

It makes me think of having children. Do they change our lives???? You bet. But I will not compare parenting with caregiving. There is another thread for that.

Just wanted to say thank you for the thought-provoking and helpful shares.

I have been focusing on gratitude. How grateful am I for each member of my family, all of them, including the dog!, including my mom and especially my wonderful husband. Gratitude lifts my spirits way, way up high.

Wow !## was just asking myself the same thing. My mom died 12-5-14 of Alz. When i found out she had it in April 2011 i moved her from Va. To NC with me and my disabled son. With no help from my two sisters who lived in Va near her. After watching her slowly deteriate she passed away . It eas just like any other morning . I went change her diaper and she died right in front of me. I feel like i will never get that image out of my head. Her hospice nurse told me that sometimes when you turn them it helps transitions them. So here I am everyone has gone on with there life. I am on meds for depression, insomnia, anxiety. Just praying for this hole in my stomach and heart to heal. But i do know there is a God....for if it wasn't i would not be here today....just trying my best to carrying on.

Exactly rosmarin. I remember thinking the exact same thing when I read those signs in the hospital my Mom was in. Actually dealing with one doctor in particular was the first time in my life where I wanted to punch someone really bad.

Hi Salisbury
Our experiences are quite similar it seems. Your literary project sounds fascinating. Love the snail simile! I am trying to get some " me time". Going to small carers meeting this afternoon and I am in touch with an environmental group which I support and also sign all the never ending animal welfare petitions! There is a world out there to keep in touch with though like you I regret the lost opportunities to travel - now just in my dreams! Thankful I managed to live around the world a bit years ago.
Katie and Gershun I am with you - also found doctors care homes and hospitals a real let down with my mother. I was angry and despairing when my mother was dying - felt powerless in the face of neglect and indifference and my guilt because I seemed to get nowhere with my protests. I dont think they gave a damn. Complained to my MP about the hospital and home . He did try but came up against the medical stone wall . There are some good medical people but its all down to luck and fighting them when you are in a state of grief. Some black humour - I used to joke " no wonder there are notices all around the hospital * do not attack or abuse staff"!

I have been in that mode of day at a time, never more than week at a time for a long time now .I also have several calendars and notebooks to log things, changes, hospice visits, medicine dispensal, etc. It has helped to have a routine to focus on to keep going.
I have also really lost trust in the system there is for seniors, nursing homes, rehab, and doctors. Friends that have disappeared entirely. I used to live my life buzzing along, thinking that there were people out there trained and paid well to help us if needed...but now I have lost faith in that. I feel that most people cannot handle the jobs they are given, yet so much is expected out of me. Friends have always tapped me for rides, etc but when I lost sight in my eye and had surgery no one called or offered to drive me to the grocery etc. Will I change after all the bumbling incompetence I witnessed at nursing homes and doctors not ordering antibiotics for UTIs that led to Mom's delirium, aide dropped Mom on floor giving her a broken leg, people running when I needed a ride just once, etc.? Yes I will change, but not sure how yet....I have a lot of anger issues at some of these people.

When I signed up for the Marines, I knew my life wouldn't belong to me and that I'd never be the same. Same with caregiving. There were times when the burnout left me as if having an out-of-body experience. I couldn't feel anything, and found myself reacting instead of responding. One of my sons compared ne to a pressure cooker that was about to blow.

My caregiving, in time, became a military operation. I put together a "platoon" complete with calendars and other graphic organizers. Because I couldn't do that "one day at a time" a lot of other people do. Planning -- and time management -- are everything. If you can do this successfully, there will be more opportunities for getting back to life as you knew it.

What an interesting question? No, I will never be the same again. I know that for a fact. In good ways and yes in bad ways.

The good: Well I have more respect for myself and even though my family would never admit it, they do too. I know I did the right thing, the hard thing at times but that had to be done. I know that if it weren't for me, my Mom's last days would of been harder than they needed to be. So in that way I'm better just knowing that.
I've always been a compassionate person so that never changed but I feel my spirit grew throughout the whole experience.

Bad: Well I'll never quite look at my siblings the same way again. The way they put it all on me. Some of the hardest, most painful decisions were left up to me. I forgive them but I'll never forget. The pain of watching my Mom die will never leave me. I feel a real hatred inside for some of the doctors I had to deal with. While I never looked at doctors as Gods I always naively thought most of them were decent people who cared about their patients. Wow, I don't believe that anymore.
I saw a real horrible side to people while caring for my Mom. So I have officially taken my rose colored glasses off.

Welcome, Rosmarin, this is an awesome thread.

I went from my mom to my husband. Taking care of both now though mom is in AL--but there is still plenty to do! I thought my retirement would be an adventure: travel, theater, etc. But it is almost like crawling into a snail shell. I am almost totally preoccupied with care of husband.

But I refuse to put my life on the back burner. I am working on a huge literary project that will take up hours of each day for many years, and I get together with people for coffee a few times a week. Life is now!!!!!!!!!!

So, will I ever be me again? Yes, I am me now and and will constantly change into a new me given new circumstances. It is sad but true, this too shall pass.

I love this post! Thank you so much! I looked after my mother for 15 years and now my husband and I was our getting bitter and twisted until I saw your message.
Very heartening. Must pull myself together. At least I have one " foul weather" friend who helps me twice a week and no children or grandchildren to worry about . No siblings either but realize one has to embrace the situation and count blessings. Enough money right now, no flooding etc, and wonderful birds to feed with sunflower hearts this winter! Bulbs sprouting everywhere even primroses. Nature is still wonderful and inspiring. Its kinda rural here which helps and the ocean changes every second if I get a moment to get down there!

John Joe; NO, you will never be the same again, BUT you can be a BETTER you. I had my Mom for 10 years. Got her when my youngest was in Jr. High. My Husband kept saying "I want my wife back", my kids wanted their Mother back. I have always been all things to all people and while I tried to stay that way, there just weren't enough hours in the day. At times I fell into self pity mode and would ask myself "why me"? I have 2 sisters living a normal life and I resented that. One day my sister said that God chose me because I was the most capable and secretly I wanted to just slap her. But it did get me to thinking. No one is put on this earth by accident. we all have a purpose. Just what IF, this was my purpose? What if my whole life was set up for this purpose? It was a life changing revelation. I started embracing my role instead of resenting it. I tried to become the best caretaker I could be. I finally had to put my Mom in a home exactly one week ago and I feel completely lost. I wonder aimlessly through the house not knowing what to do with myself and yet I have a list 2 pages long of things I need to get done. I'm trying to relearn what NORMAL looks like. It seems like mom has been gone forever. I visit her everyday and the other patients are starting to treat me like I'm their family. So many patients have no one to visit them and I've learned their names and say hi to everyone and hug them and try to help the nurses out. Slowly I'm beginning to attack my to do list and started writing goals for myself.

While you may never be the same again, I do believe that Attitude and Perception will determine the "new you". With your great big loving heart and your experience, you can be a better, stronger, more patient, and definitely a wiser YOU. It doesn't happen over night, believe me. I still don't know what normal looks like but I feel at peace with myself.

Try to find the humor in things so you laugh to keep from crying. Try to find the positive in anything you can. And with every complaint you have, try to find something you can be grateful for. You have the hardest job on earth and the more you care about the person you are caring for, the harder it is. My heart goes out to you.