Will I ever be me, ever again?

SallySad. I have been caring for my mother for about 5 years now and I know what you mean by I have NO LIFE. I struggle to live her life and mine. All I can say is I know how you feel, only difference is I have a brother and sister. who will do nothing. Bless your heart!

I'm in the same boat with chickengranny and SallySoSad. I especially related to this "I am not one who is embracing this caregiver stuff. I WANT my life back and I fight to get it back each and every day and at the same time, I'm getting sucked deeper and deeper into the caregiver hole."

I have been tethered to my mother for 5+ years now, living in a place I don't like and living a life I don't want to live. Every time I think I've found an escape route, something else falls through and I'm dragged in deeper than ever. I hate this more every day, as I feel my last best years slipping away from me with nothing to show for it. I have siblings, but most of them live too far away to help and the ones that live close by are not able or willing to provide the amount of help my mother needs.

Right now my mother is having at least 2 medical appointments per week, as well as all the shopping, errands, housework and other junk that needs to be done for her. Meanwhile one of my local siblings is very sick in a hospital and the other is available for only a few hours per week, if that.

I took this on willingly at first, but at the time I believed my mother was likely to live another 2-3, maybe 5 at the absolute most. I couldn't imagine that people could live so long in a state of physical impairment and with multiple health problems. I was willing to give up 2-3 years to help her at the end of life, but it's been more than 5 years now and she seems to be nowhere near the end. I'm at the end of my rope though, with hating this life and wanting with all my heart to move back up north and start a new chapter in my life. I just can't wait until this is finally over. The end can't come soon enough for me.

Eddie
I wish I was organized to plan a Military style operation right now! You have the training which is great. You are so right - the time disappears
immediately unless controlled. I must get a plan - otherwise everything will get screwed up even more!. Many thanks for this message.

im a joker , people . i like to laugh . that could be beneficial to a person forfeiting their current existence to fulfill once in a lifetime family obligations .
so ban me !! . ive been banned from everything but ebay and theyre making serious frowny faces .
moderators !! . wake the hell up .

Ah Captain I see you still have the same sweet disposition that we all know and love.

This forum just hasn't been as spicy without you. :)

Hey, Captain. Good to hear from you! So what's life for you like now? Is Edna still living? I forget where you left off. I always thought that you'd be perfect for a TV show.

No, you will not be who you used to be because once you gain more experience and learn more, you'll be more evolved and wiser.

Yes Chickengranny I can relate to Your post as it is so similar to Mine. I have three Brother's and I get zero help, just suggestions. It's been 24/7 since October 2013 and I do pray that My health will stand up to this challenge. Mother did go for RESTBITE CARE on January 6 last but alas only lasted 21 hours.
CarlaB My great fear is that I will not be able for the next chapter of My Life, UNLESS I do right by My Mom. When I had three brain operations My Mother really did take care of Me. Even though being a full time CAREGIVER is very demanding, and all of Us have put Our Lives on hold, I will not abandon My post.
I will go the full distance caring for Mom, as She's been My greatest Critic and best Friend, the only Person in this World that I would trust with My Life.

JohnJoe, I'm in a similar situation. It seems like my life has been irretrievably broken. Right now, the path back to a normal life seems to be completely lost. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of it, though.

Is it enough? No, not really; but it's something.

I will not get my life back. I've lost too much. I won't stronger or better. Looking back on the past, I can see how my own illness contributed to the destruction of my life. It wasn't just the fault of my parents' disease. They both had Alzheimer's. Dad is still alive. We have bad genetics. Depression, anxiety, Alzheimer's, lung issues, and various bone/blood cancers. I lost my career, friends, and my health. I would have regretted 'not' caring for my parents, but it's also true that I had no choice. With no siblings or spouse to assist, I struggle alone with my responsibilities and lonlieness. I think about suicide every day. I just have to hold it together while Dad is alive, and then I can let go of this existence. I have no strength or desire to start my life again.

It concerns me that you are thinking about suicide every day. I hope that you have or will get a therapist to talk with about this. Plus, I hope that you are on some medication for your depression and if you are will tell whoever prescribed it about your pattern of thought.

Calysta, I felt that way many times while going through my Mom's care 24/7, and with my husband's health issues, then some of mine began. I just got through each day on autopilot...then I started seeking out the very small things that made me happy, even if that happiness was momentary.Those small moments still count and add up. It is an up and down journey though. My Mom passed in January and it seems I am still fighting a battle with depression on many days and dealing with many other things. I am thinking my happiness will come back in fits and starts and it seems to be. After my Mom passed, I was feeling so low and a friend of mine asked, "what have you always wanted to do?" My reaction was that it isn't about " want".... that my life is ruled by the words "Can't, No, Don't and Won't"....That feeling is beginning to go away but slowly with small steps. Those words are now at least being replaced by "try". I do hope that you can see someone to talk to and maybe get some medication to make you feel better. I am taking things one day at a time and that seems to be helping. {{Hugs}}, Katie.

I struggled like you all for about 5 years and then I made some changes: saw a counselor to cope with depression, took charge of my feelings and sorted out what I can't control (my mother's emotions), found an independent place for her to live, found a better place for me to live, found helpers to minister to Mom's needs and keep my helping to one day a week plus a phone call a day. Did research online and used everything at my disposal.

Kept and developed my sense of anger, called my friends regularly, took exercise classes, kept learning about food and nutrition, and am continuing on with progress. Develop some mental acrobatics to keep sane: my mantra is "I'm a happy girl!".

Human beings can be amazing.

Calysta,

The fact that you are writing this here is a first step towards looking for help.

Something somewhere inside of you knows that there is still life in you. Look around, read this site and others, There are lots of people who have illnesses and disadvantages who have learned to live again.

Get thee to a therapist. the right therapist can make a world of difference. Don't forget: lots of people deal with adversity by having a sense of humor. You can do that, too--though it may not seem like it at this time. First, take care of yourself and get the help you need.

Call the Suicide Hot Line.

Calysta, you lost your career, friends, and health. I'm not going to minimize that or sugar-coat it. You are hanging in there for the the sake of taking care of your father. What a generous, compassionate personality you must have!

You are right. Sometimes genetics or other factors totally outside of our control have huge impacts on our lives. You have only to look at your parents and know that what life dealt them was not fair and was not their fault.

You may never get your health back. Your Dad isn't getting his back. But with treatment you may at least improve. I have major depressive disorder. I did nothing to deserve that ... I guess it just came with the gene set. I take medication for it, and have learned techniques to manage it. In spite of the burden I'm a fairly happy person ... and part of what makes me happy is my generosity and compassion. Those are very valuable assets that you have!

I am truly sorry that you lost your friends, just when you really need some. But there are hundreds of potential new friends in your community -- and you just need one or two. You don't have to start working on this tomorrow, but it is something to hope for in the future.

Calysta, continue to hang in there, for Dad. And after he is gone, continue to hang in there for you. You deserve another chance at some happiness. There is hope that you can find some!

Oh Calysta, please do not consider suicide! There is so much more to life than caring for your parents. You do have a choice about caring for your Dad, it sounds as if it is time for him to go into a care facility. If not longterm, please ask for immediate respite care!! There are many of us out there that feel as you do...and some of us are unlucky enough to have no other support as you do not. WE care if you are here or not, WE care if you survive this and all most all of us on this site would be more than willing to be your emotional support! Please, please contact as many agencies, churches, support groups as you can in your area to get as much immediate respite care and support as you can! Also, please look into getting counseling for yourself....you are a worthy person! And all of us need your experiences and advice to help US when we find ourselves in your position. Blessings to you, LindaZ.

Calista, we learn best from those who have traveled a similar road. Please re-read Jeannegibbs' comment.

I have a family member with major depressive disorder so I see the struggles of clinical depression. Add that to all of your caregiving challenges and it would sometimes seem like giving up is the answer. It is not. You will survive. If you are truly close to suicide do call the hotline in your community. These people are trained to help you. Please keep in touch.
Carol

Calysta: Please reach out to your church pastor or psychiatrist STAT! If you cannot wait, call the Suicide Hotline.

Two years after the death of my 94 year old mother, for whom I was the primary caregiver for many years though she had other attendants, I still feel burned out and not quite myself. But I'm optimistic that I will be again.
She had some form of dementia, but always recognized me and most of the family. It was hard because we didn't always get along well even before she needed me, and because my brother died toward the end of her life... She was quite clear she'd have preferred it be I.
I feel I will recover and I am sure you will too but if your parent is still living, please take time for yourself so you don't feel shipwrecked at the end!