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I cared for mum post op. I didn’t know she was incontinent until two days before discharge. I had nights of her getting up four times or more to pee. She catheterizes herself standing up. She caths every time she goes to the bathroom. That is when she has a BM. She doesn’t know it. It ends up getting everywhere. She can’t wipe herself after a BM without getting feces under her nails, on the handles of her walker, etc. On one night she went to the bathroom herself. I had fallen asleep and didn’t hear her get up. I did her the walker click after she was done in the bathroom. She had feces all over herself...on her feet, hands, her back, her private area. She had smeared it all over the bathroom. I had to shower her at 2:30 in the morning. I had to clean the entire bathroom. I had to wash all her bedding. It was a real mess. I’m very worried that she is rushing into assisted living. They told her they care for people with incontinence. I’m so skeptical that they will be able to assist her every time she needs to go. I’m skeptical that they will be able to clean her, her bathroom and everything else in the middle of the night. Can someone answer these concerns?!

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My Mom was home then put in nursing care for the last five months of her life. While at home she made numerous trips to the bathroom day and night, and was on lots of medications including fentanyl. This combination of constantly getting up to go to the bathroom while heavily medicated led to many falls and emergencies. She would even fall asleep on the toilet and then fall over and hit her head.  It is very difficult for women to give up toileting normally, as they also feel like they are losing their dignity.  When your Mom goes to a nursing facility, they likely will insist she be in diapers 24 hours a day.  There could never be enough staff to do repeated cleanups like you described for dozens of people, not to mention how unsanitary it would be.  My mother's walker was slowly put out of her reach there, then the wheelchair as well, as she thought she could navigate transferring when she really couldn't. She was a fall risk and a fall risk sign was put above her bed. Nursing facilities and AL's have seen fall risks, and elderly not wanting to give up toileting and should be skilled at caring for them.  It was sad to watch her lose her independence, and decline even further in NH, but even at home, she had so little quality of life. Hope this helps a little.
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Help4mum Jul 2019
Thank you TerriLou for sharing your experiences with me! I’ve searched everywhere on the internet to see how bowel incontinence is handled at an ALF. There isn’t anything specific out there.
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Depending on the AL she will have to ring for assistance and if she doesn't then it will get dealt with when staff finds it doing their rounds. It is her responsibility to ask for assistance in a lot of AL facilities.

If she is in a care home setting, they usually have alarms that go off when someone gets up at night, they can assist her to stop the mess from being made.

Wherever she goes you need to find out before she moves how they deal with it. You need to give them the heads up on worse case, that way they know and can determine whether she is a fit or not.
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Help4mum Jul 2019
Thank you! I’m in the difficult situation that she lives in Florida and all of her children (and I) live in Massachusetts. Her son, my brother in law, went down to research facilities for her. He’s leaving as soon as she’s moved in (Thursday this week). He doesn’t communicate information to the rest of us like he should. I’m very concerned she won’t get the attention she needs. He can’t talk about bowel movements or toileting issues (I was the only one in the family that cared for her after she was discharged from rehab. Everyone said they couldn’t handle her bathroom needs. I was left stranded for three weeks until I founds aids to do this. I am her daughter in law.) I am left wondering if he is providing the information he should relay to the facility. I have no experience with elderly care until now. I just want to make sure she is getting the care she deserves.
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Can you get the information from BIL as to the facilities he is looking into and call them.

I would let him know that he could be right back moving her if her care needs are greater than represented and beyond their actual services.

It is soooooo difficult to place a parent and lots of adult children are in denial about their parents actual decline, kinda prevalent in men. Not all of them, but I know your assistant would be beneficial to ensure she is properly placed.

So hard, Hugs!
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