My Mil is currently in a skilled nursing facility. She has started to refuse everything even food. She has been there for going on 4 weeks now. Prior to this she was in the hospital for a bad UTI. I have been her main caregiver for a year. She literally cannot walk and won't even sit up on her own even though she can. She just refuses to do it. The original plan was for her to go and do 20 days to try to learn how to walk again and then go on to an assisted living place. She made the choice to stop walking due to pain in her back. My Sil has taken charge of her care and they are starting paperwork for long term care but I know it's going to be a war with her over it. I've had health issues come up and not only that I'm just tired of being bullied into taking care of her. My children's mental health and mine as well as my husband's have taken a major hit due to having no life as she has to be watched 24/7. We have to do everything for her basically. She has even asked me to feed her. One of my kids has autism and we have all her stuff to do. What I am asking is if she refuses to go to long term care will they allow her to leave even if she couldn't get out of the bed by herself? My sil has already told them that we are unable to care for her. I am just so scared that she will just be dropped off here and left and that it will only get worse. Also would they send her home in an ambulance or will one of us have to go get her? If so can I refuse?
Glad it seems to be working out.
If your MIL is mentally competent, she can leave Against Medical Advice (AMA). The SNF will talk to her doctor to make sure she has prescriptions and knows how to take care of herself. Social services will help her to find a place she can afford if she is not going back to your home (that is why you need to notify social services now). If she shows up at your home, refuse to take her in and have a plan to drop her off at a women's shelter.
If your MIL is not mentally competent (dementia, stroke...), then others will make decisions for her care. If she has legal power of attorney drawn up, the person(s) named in the paperwork make the decisions. If she does not have POAs drawn up, the local court will appoint a legal guardian to make decisions about her care.
Block/no answer all calls as required.
No-one wants to move to a SNF. Some will accept with grace, some fighting all the way. Some will hunger strike as a power play. That is their life, they may choose their emotions & reactions.
If they truly wish to die, they can. But the most demanding selfish ones will probably choose to live! Hopefully they take up any councelling that is offered to them to support them through their transition to NH resident.
I used to almost regret how I stepped in to help but fell down the slippery slope into that bog of life sucking servitude. Now I am grateful for the experience. Grateful for how it taught me to stand up for myself. I am using & building this going forward.
Kind thoughts to you.
Stand your ground that MIL can't come home because there is no one to care for her - you are unable due to mental and physical limitations. If you have to find another place to live that isn't associated with mom's address.
If she's competent she can decide to leave, but if unable to walk, sit up, feed herself they ethically shouldn't. Your SIL as POA needs to work with the social worker at the facility MIL is currently in to get her to the appropriate facility with the appropriate level of care.
Adult children shouldn't have to stop their lives or the lives of their children to care for their elderly parents. Being in a facility will be able to provide the care she needs - leaving the children to advocate for them and visit them without the worry of 24/7 care on their shoulders.
I wish you and the entire family good luck.
If they break the law and every bit of ethics and ship her off by ambulance, direct it to the nearest emergency department. MIL'll wind up right back in a SNL.
It will be a tough pill to swallow but, unless she can get healthcare professionals to provide nursing home-level care at home (Fed and States all have some version available), a SNL is where she'll be.
Best wishes for your family's peace of mind as you tend to each other and prepate to support MIL from afar.
You can absolutely refuse to pick her up or accept her into your home to live. Even though your SIL told the nursing home that you cannot and will not be her caregiver, you have to also make that clear to them yourself so there will be no miscommunication.
The nursing home may try to be intimidating to you or your family where your MIL is concerned, but they won't just kick her out if she has nowhere to go even if she wants to leave. Most people in nursing homes who aren't gone with dementia want to leave.
Let me tell you something from many years experience in elder caregiving.
If a person can do for themselves, they must do for themselves. If a person can still accomplish the smallest daily task, combing their own hair for example, that's a form of independence. Any level of independence is a good thing and must continue as long as possible. Even if it has to be forced.
If your MIL can ask to be fed, she's capable of feeding herself. Do not feed her. Strongly encourage the nursing home staff not to feed her either. When she is hungry, she will feed herself. If she makes a mess, a mess can be cleaned up. If she refuses to sit up on her own even though she can, she has to be forced to. It sounds harsh, but it's for her own good.
If she's still capable of some level of independence but refuses, it's because she wants attention. You and your family can give her the attention and support she wants and needs without enabling her to become an invalid.
Seems to me MiL wants to stop living. She doesn't want to die, exactly, she just doesn't want to live. Maybe she's clinically depressed.
Where is your husband in all this?
Have you talked with the POA about signing off of the apartment lease and what her plan is for any of your MIL’s property that is still in it.
If you are willing to store any her property (photos, jewelry, heirlooms, momentos), specify how much and how long. If you want to buy anything of the MIL’s, work out appropriate arrangements and paperwork with the POA.
You’ll also need to arrange to transfer any utilities to your own accounts.
Or keep the dividing line really clear by moving to a place that is never in her name. Have you had a chance to think about where you’d like to be located and see what is available?
Don’t forget to consciously fill the time that you allocated to your MIL: homeschool/work/volunteer/other scheduled activities that are not compatible with full time caregiving.
{{{{HUGS}}}}
backtrack: MiL went to hospital because of a severe urinary tract infection (sepsis?). What was she like before that? If she was behaving normally-and now she's not, have a neurologist take a look/hopefully order an MRI.
I know for a fact, ER Dr.s don't look beyond the first health condition they find when elderly folks are brought in. My mom was "fine", and then fell. She was like a ragdoll. the ER doctor said it was caused by a severe bout of colitis. They'd given her a quickie stroke test but no MRI. Hospital discharged her unable to walk or stand-or even sit up on her own. Yada, yada, yada-she'd had a stoke.
You must get in contact with their case manager or social services worker right now and say you are not able to accept your MIL back home. Tell them what you like; that you are no longer physically or mentally able to care for her and cannot care for her if she cannot walk. Tell them you require them to find placement for her.
The most difficult thing to do is get a senior out of your home once you take him or her into it. And the easiest way to get them into care is from hospital or SNF when you REFUSE adamantly to take them home back into your care. You will have to remain strong. Don't argue. Simply state you cannot possibly accept her back into your own home. Do not waver because they will promise you anything saying "We can get you help; we can provide in home care; we can make this work". That is an untruth. They cannot and they will not.
I wish you luck.
Your SIL has told them there is no one to care for her. It looks like she needs 24/7 care. SIL is doing the paperwork for LTC. If the rehab is like where I live, rehab and Skilled nursing are in the same building so its just a matter of transferring from one bed to another.
I really don't see where there would be a problem. Mom has brought this on herself. She may not have any say. If no one is willing to care for her and she is 24/7 care, then they can't do a safe discharge. If you get a call to pick her up, refuse. Tell the person calling that you can no longer care for her because she is 24/7 care. That with an autistic child you just can't handle her too. But I don't think you need to worry. SIL seems to have taken over.
Just curious, why did you end up with MIL who needed so much care with you having an autistic child. How were u "bullied" into it? And "now" SIL steps up to the plate.