Wife with severe alcohol problem is caring for husband with heart failure. What can I do?

It might be best at this point to call Adult Protective Services and share your concerns with them, that your father is at risk under your moms care and why. They are then obligated to investigate, and can advise you what needs to be done going forward. Make sure you tell them exactly what you shared with us. I wish you the best in this difficult situation.

Your parents are not, I understand, diagnosed with dementia. That means, even at this advanced age, they are in charge of their own choices. You should sit them down and tell them your concerns as you have related them to us. You should ask your father privately if he is comfortable still, and tell him of your worries.
The one thing you can do is supply your father with a worn alarm he can set off when he is left in the sun in the garden and his wife is temporarily down.
I do not see that you can do anything. You are POA but you have no letters from physicians testifying to the incompetence of your parents, nor their ability to be alone. Consider a small jitterbug phone for your Dad if you feel he can use it, or an alarm with which he can notify 911 that he needs help.
It is amazing that this has been their lives, and they remain devoted, and even more amazing that your mother has survived alcoholism to this age; that is rare as hen's teeth, to tell the truth.
Eventually, of course, there WILL be an accident. But in all truth, for those of us (I include myself) who have survived their "sell by" date, an accident is inevitable with two seniors of this age who choose to live alone, no matter whether alcohol is involved or not. When one of these dear ones is down with a broken hip, you will have to invoke your POA to act, perhaps placement for them in ALF where they can remain together.
I wish you luck. I can well imagine your worries.

Can you arrange for a caregiver to check on them in the late afternoon-one who will ensure your dad’s set for the evening and who can prepare a quick dinner for them (could be from a stash of frozen meals)? Either mom needs to be sober enough to ensure your dad’s safe, or they accept limited assistance. This shouldn’t be negotiable. I’m guessing that she won’t be able to stop drinking, especially as he enables it, so maybe this would have the least impact on their routine.

Your parents from what u have written are not making good decisions. Your father is not in a safe environment. How is your mother obtaining her alcohol supply? But aside from that your dad is in a dangerous living environment. Your fathers care is beyond your moms ability. Intervention is needed and they will probably be mad at whoever does this. But rather have them angry than either one is injured. You have a difficult situation on your hands that will require difficult decisions. Accept that you aren’t going to make everybody happy. The goal is to keep them both safe and cared for and let that goal guide you in your decisions. This is a good place to get info and ventilate. Always remember to take care of yourself, doing this will make you a better advocate for your parents. Let us know how you are doing.

Its being assumed you are in the US. But the words, Mum, teatime and Garden make me think you are from the UK. If so, the services we have in the US may differ than what u have in the UK.

Countrymouse and a few other members are from the UK. Because of the time differences right now US EST its 10pm in the UK. CM maybe able to point you into the right direction.

You can’t exercise a POA under these circumstances. Make a self neglect report to your local hotline and let them do an investigation. If your neighbors are aware, your mother won’t know for sure who made the report though she may suspect you. There may be resources available through your states mental health system to help dry her out. The investigation may also scare her enough to make some changes or may trigger a recommendation to place your father in an assisted living facility with her, which seems to be what is needed.

Hi Rosie - if you are in the UK and as another poster has suggested some words you have chosen are more like ours than American ones so I have a feeling you are - firstly what POA do you have? Have you got financial or health or both (This could depend on when it/they were written. Secondly if you have POA are this/these actually registered (again when written matters) or do you have them "just in case"?
Assuming you have either the old type or the new health one then I think your first stop should be an appointment with your parent's GP, and then with the local Health Authority assessment team - which may be easiest to access via the GP or the District Nursing team. There will also be a social care team who you can get involved. If you can mobilise these people you should be able to get an assessment of your parents health, physical and mental needs, and services that can assist. Of course as a health POA only becomes operational if someone loses mental capacity you may be completely locked out of the loop if your parents deny a need for or refuse any assistance.
In this case your only way in may be by getting neighbours to report to Social Services that they feel your father in particular is in danger but also your mother is not capable of looking after him. I think it is 3 reports from different people that will make Social Services make a visit - but it may depend on how severe the problem could be e.g. how much danger your father is in.
You could phone 111 and discuss the issue and seek some advice or if you are really stuck then next time your mother goes to bed and leaves your father in a dangerous situation you could get the neighbours to phone 999 and call them to come and deal with it rather than helping themselves. (Sounds a bit drastic but we have just been given this advice from 111 for a situation where assistance was not forthcoming from GP and it fell outside remit of 111. 999 is an emergency number but they do have multiple level options at their disposal and would consider a man of 90 left in the garden something for them to deal with if your mother was in bed drunk).
Sorry if you are not in the UK and all this is useless - but hopefully it is of some help / suggestions.

Do your parents have the funds to hire a Caregiver for the early afternoon to stay 4 hrs to make sure he's back in the house and has dinner?

You need to check on all resources..
Check with their Insurance Co and see if Mom can be committed in to a place to get sober and see what help is available for your Dad can be on Home Health or if your Dad meets the requirements for Hospice Care in the home.
If you Dad was in the Service, you can set him up with the VA and get several hrs a week help.
Also call the area Senior place to help you find help.

Prayers

I like bev's suggestion of getting someone in in the afternoon/evening to ensure that dad is fed and tucked in for the night.

I wouldn't even address a 87 year olds drinking, this didn't just start and she is to old to change anything at this point. I say this because she is so open about when she starts that she doesn't believe it is a problem. People that think it is a problem hide it, or try to at least. She thinks she is just fine and that means no motivation for change.

Do your best to get your dad the help he needs late in the day and pray that nothing tragic happens in the meantime.

Sorry to hear about what your going through . My father was also an alcoholic.
do you have room to take your dad into your house? Is your dad at veteran ? The VA has home health care they pay for
also respect care. The days they provide depends on the state you live in .
But your dad is clearly unable to
care for him self .
It seems you really have no choice at this point but to step in snd protect your father . If you have his POA then you need to get an attorney and take over care for your father before something really bad happens. If she forgets him out in the sun one day he could have a heat stroke and die.
You should not feel guilty about taking over and also if you have the type of power of attorney that gives your authority over your moms health care she needs to be admitted to an in-care alcoholic facility . If she is drunk
and your fathers death could have been prevented she could be charged for it. This is very serious and I would not put off moving forward with the POA . Also there are several different types of POA’s make sure which one you have .
Is there any other children where you all could take turns going to the house and just staying to take some of the burden of care off your mother. This situation is adding to how much she drinks. I’m a 24/7 caregiver for my husband who is in diapers, I feed change, bath, shave , cut his hair, it’s so very stressful . I get terribly depressed . You get to the point you feel you have no life at all . Nothing for yourself , add this on top of her already drinking .
I would go on line and look up AA meetings near your mom and try and convince her to attend one. Even an on line meeting . I pray you find the right answer . God give you strength to cope with this . Take care of yourself too . God bless all of you 🙏🙏🙏

As the POA, you must intervene (even if you cannot 'use' it legally, you must intervene).

Contact social services, the elder abuse department. Your mother should not, in any way, be in a position of responsibility caring for your father. Period. Things need to change immediately.

I copied this response below to emphasize it:
"You can’t exercise a POA under these circumstances. Make a self neglect report to your local hotline and let them do an investigation. If your neighbors are aware, your mother won’t know for sure who made the report though she may suspect you. There may be resources available through your states mental health system to help dry her out. The investigation may also scare her enough to make some changes or may trigger a recommendation to place your father in an assisted living facility with her, which seems to be what is needed."

If you have a POA then your Dad’s care is up to you if he is not being taken care of. Talk to a Social Worker for seniors and go with their advise. If you knowingly leave your Dad in a situation that is not safe you are responsible for the outcome. At their age they do not know what is best for them and you have to be the adult. It’s hard to go against our parents but there comes a time it is in their best interest.

If your mother's mind is still good, discuss with her that your father needs more care than she is able to give him. Your options will depend on their financial situation. Ideally, you can persuade her to accept having an an aide come in to help. Maybe all that's needed is half a day in the evening to make sure they have dinner and help your father bathe and get to bed. The other option of placing him/them in assisted living sounds like it wouldn't work well for them. Is there a trusted counselor who could talk to your mother about her drinking problem and how it is affecting the family?

You are facing a horrible problem which will end in disaster sooner than later. There are limits to what you as a POA can do but something must be done now. First get input from an eldercare specialist. Your mother is an alcoholic and unfit to care for your father. He is old and needs care. While the best thing would be to place both of them, that can get involved. I would also contact the Office on Aging and speak to people who handle abuse of seniors. They can and do get involved - Adult Protective Services. I would hope that they will take over and see them into a facility. This alcoholism has to be stopped and your father needs protection and care.

I believe you need to contact your father’s doctor and report your father’s unsafe living condition. He needs to be placed in a safe living environment. Is your father competent to make his on decisions. It is clear that your mother is not. check out the different social agencies. Given the circumstances you may call the PAT team to make an intervention that your father is in a unsafe living condition and his life is in danger.
since you have the power of attorney you can also make these decisions. Arguing with an active alcoholic is useless.
Dr. Edward Smink

Google: Area Council on Aging and Adult Protective Agency in your area. The first can help with the care services and the later is self explaining. If you know about the problem and do not get your father some help you can be prosecuted is something should happen to him.

Imho, you must report this neglect to your father's physician, e.g. "his being left in the garden until (fortunately) a neighbor spotted him." I hate to hazard a guess as to what would have happened to him if the neighbor had NOT seen him? Wow - he's a frail elder in need of care and your mother is so far gone into her addiction that she is unable to care for him PROPERLY and of course, she needs rehabilitation.

Very simple you need to report your mother and tell her you have to, however are you prepared for them to be given over to your guidance, are you an only child.? Once she is investigated your father will have to have another caregiver and your mother will be left home to just drink and pass out, and when found then you will have to report her for self- neglect and she will then become your responsibility. Or you can tell them both if in their ability to comprehend that they require someone on the home to assist, and yes this will not be popular but the alternative is that they both live under the guidance of an assisted living. Unsure if the landlord is aware or just taking rent, but this type of thing will either get worse and place others at risk, starting a fire and no on able to get out of the home. This is something that is Reportable and I would tell them both once more, and they risk being split up if they do not listen. However, you need to have a plan, alcoholism does not stop easily, so your mother's issues will likely continue without your father, so understand if she is not around him, she will increase in her intake until she harms herself. They both should have doctors who need to know about this situation, and I trust your mom is not driving as she possibly is under the influence more than you know, and if she is driving this is another problem, might hit someone. How is she getting alcohol? Be sure you know everything and you can always petition the Courts for an evaluation of the home and caregiver competence. This can also bring down plenty of regulation. Unfortunately, nothing is new here, family dysfunction is ignored by everyone until those who feel they are still powerful., i.e. parents forget that they are not 40, and we are not 20 and can just standby and watch. However, no one makes adults aging get evaluated for a plan, and many just fall apart and sadly, never admit to requiring help until it becomes an unsightly unfortunate mess. One reason to never promise no one is going to a home for Seniors, just hope your family can plan things before it just falls apart. You do not Need Paperwork when you are the next of kin, unless you have siblings, and your parents are at risk of one, self-neglect and the other facing abuse at the hand of an Incompetent and Unfit caregiver. Your father will be Removed from her care so you need to say this and that it is All to it. She will blame you and then drink more, best understand this is already past Reporting and you might want to be careful, if father shows effects of bad care, they as in hospital, others with eyes will report your mother.