Wife with dementia revealing secrets best not mentioned, husband shocked. Any advice?

I wouldn’t necessarily take what she is saying seriously. A lot of dementia patients will say things that are not true. For example my mom told me a story a couple weeks ago saying she was wanted for murder. She told me a whole story about it and even retold the story to my daughter. I know it’s not true. But they will sometimes fill in gaps with things they think are real. Also I’ve noticed that when my mom has her tv on she tends to use what she’s heard as basis for her stories.

I’m sorry you are going through this. It is indeed very hurtful. However, if her dementia is noticeable, you don’t know if she is telling the truth or if it is just fantasy. The worst is when she can repeat the delusion over and over again, accurately.

I can vouch that a delusion can repeated accurately and it really is a false memory.

My mother believed that her sister was alive and she visited recently. This particular sister died nearly 8 years ago and the last 3 that she was alive, my mother never was able to visit her because she didn’t want visitors.

We finally got her off this train of thought by asking a lot of questions about the last time she visited. For instance, we asked what she was wearing, where was the visit, who was taking care of her, etc.

If your wife brings up the topic, you might want to delve deeper into it so that she can release the thoughts and move onto another subject. These delusions can really be tough to deal with.

Hang in there…

I’ve posted this before on other threads, but it may be of comfort to know that mother thought she was going to marry Elvis. She even bought the ring. She looked out the window all day waiting for him. This somehow filled a need for romance that she felt at 92, with dementia and in a wheelchair.

I can barely remember the husband I married 28 years ago as those earlier memories are obstructed by memories of the last 15 years of my husband’s gradual disappearance and being replaced by a stranger who tells me some things that would break the heart of his former self. He and his parents seemed to have come out of a Norman Rockwell photo. He never cursed. He was a straight arrow, reliable, kind, thoughtful and he had the best funny bone. In the last 5 years he hoards poop and calls me c’su*k**. This is as impossible a thing as Bob Hope saying such a thing. Never, ever, could this have happened before dementia. 

About 3 weeks ago I got a call from the day care facility my husband attends to tell me that he was necking with another attendee. Of course the staff are alerted and on top of that, but I started to giggle picturing in my mind how ludicrous that was.

I was stunned but he has dementia. I am not hurt over my husband acting like a 13 year old. To a man/woman every friend I told this to busted out laughing at the thought. Me too. I’d rather that hadn’t happened but he’s out of his former mind. When he got home I asked him how his day went. He didn’t remember. I said that I heard it was pretty interesting and then told him what I was told and he said "Nooo. Get outta here". These poor demented folks don’t know.

Your wife’s tongue is not loosening. She’s making up a world where a woman is wanted. After a while you could throw in a curve ball and ask if she dated Burt Reynolds and she may say that she did. My husband said he knew the Beatles. Now if in the next few years he tells me he played with the Beatles I’d have to give him some creative points.

You wife must’ve missed you terribly when you went away for weeks and maybe at this heart breaking time for you you might have forgotten the reassuring phone conversations you made to each other during your separations and the happy reunions. 

Upon returning from one of your trips she may have hinted at a former life to test you maybe to draw you out to find what you may have been up to while away or, because of her insecurities, she wanted to let you know that even though you could go away from her she was desirable to someone, she had value. Childish, but I don’t know her background and we all cope as we can. 

Remember, the former person your wife was always told you that she was faithful. The person is now is a child without filters and scrambled eggs for a memory. 

You also say she's beginning to be more honest and open with you? Honesty and openness from a person with dementia. You must be kidding.

You're heart is breaking. Your wife is unwell. Join a support group. The antics and stories you'll hear will make you laugh, shake you head, maybe frighten you a little but they will make you feel better and learn that what your wife is devolving into should not be taken personally.

Stay strong.

Mother had various delusions. In her case it wasn't a UTI. It was the dementia. She still appeared normal in many ways but these stories were not true. We knew that. Regarding your wife, even if she doesn't have a UTI, it is likely the dementia talking.

Say nothing and ignore it. Chances are she’s delusional. I knew someone who had dementia and was 90. She started saying that her husband had achievements that we knew he didn’t. She said he’d been mayor of their town. This went on for a while with more added details, such as having a daughter named “Chris,” which wasn’t true. Her family finally figured it out. Both her husband and her boss of 45 years before were named “Richard.” Her boss Richard had actually been mayor before she worked for him. His daughter was named Chris and she’d confused her husband Richard with her boss Richard.

I wouldn’t believe anything that comes out of a dementia patient’s mouth!

I was going to suggest getting her checked for a UTI. Great minds, Barb......

I wouldn't put an ounce of credence in these stories. Brains afflicted with dementia come up with strange things at times.

If these are new delusions, make sure you mention them to her doctor; sudden onset of new symptoms are often caused by urinary tract infections with no other symptoms.

I’m so sorry that you are in this situation. I’m sure that it’s confusing.

Some people want to know the whole story and others find that knowing the ‘when, where and with whom’ would be extremely painful.

There is no right or wrong way to feel about these things. It’s very personal, and I certainly understand that this is a difficult situation for you.

What’s done is done. You know that you can’t ‘undo’ anything. You have cared for your wife for many years. Obviously, you love her.

Have you considered speaking with someone about how you feel? It may help to seek out a therapist who can help you put everything in perspective.

Also, please remember that your wife has dementia, so you can’t take everything that she says as gospel.

If her comments are true, and it hurts to hear details, do you feel obligated to listen? You can always excuse yourself and walk away.

I wish you peace and comfort as you continue on in your caregiving journey. Take care.

Of course you’re shocked and hurt, who wouldn’t be in hearing such confessions. Please bear in mind that the same brain, that is sadly broken, telling you these tales now as truth, quite possibly can’t be relied upon to distinguish truth from fiction anymore. She could just as easily be confusing memories of others and mixing in her own life, who really knows? Make peace with not knowing what happened years ago, and relying on the good memory you have of the wife who loved and cared for you. She’s still in there. Change the topic each and every time the past comes up so you don’t have to endure any more confessions, whether they be true or false. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this in the sunset times of a long relationship

Well, she has given you an unexpected gift. Now…you can believe one of two alternative scenarios: 1) She fooled around all along, or 2) she didn’t, but wished she had. If you have any reason to suspect she was unfaithful, then this may make your job easier as she disintegrates into la-la land…perhaps you won’t feel so guilty about not visiting her very often. She sounds like she was always a piece of work! And you sound like a softy. Sorry, but…really?

Look up "Confabulation". Made up stories.

It is a common delusion with dementia that a woman starts to think every handsome man wants her; is in love with her etc. Men do that too.

The caregiving technique is to distract, change the conversation, not listen and walk away.

You are NOT planning on allowing her words to drive you crazy, are you?