My wife who I have loved and supported for over 60 years, is in a care home. Occasionally during our many years together and talks, she has hinted at an occasional past life which I chose to diplomatically ignore as a fact of life that often occurs when the husband's work calls him to work away from home for weeks at a time. During these conversations she always insisted she has never slept or had sex with other men, not even one man and I am the only one.
Lately, her dementia has started to loosen her tongue and today aged 78. she revealed she was once going to leave me and go off with someone with whom she had had an affair and regular sexual contact and meets with. It now appears that the other men who she had falsely claimed to me were the close friends of her rather promiscuous female friend HG, were hers also. I think being in a care home has sort of reminded her that these secrets are not worth keeping any longer and for this reason, she is beginning to be more honest and open with me, I am shocked, and rather hurt, and unable to cope, any advice would be appreciated. My instincts tell me to say nothing and ignore it, but it does worry me. An end of life story I never ever suspected or wanted.
They're kinda risqué compared to 30 years ago.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-handle-alzheimers-disease-lying-144204.htm
There is no need for you believe in "revealing secrets".... unless you like the attention it brings to YOU by telling others that the secrets are true.
Or a soap opera! LOL 😆
The plot of every soap opera is the same!
You are obviously old enough to know the saying, "BIrds of a feather flock together. " You, no doubt, knew this saying in your early years and yet here you are all surprised that your wife did the same behaviors.
Maybe, just maybe, while you were off working 13-14 hour days, traveling the world she felt neglected. Maybe you and your personal actions justified her behaviour, just like you justify breaking her trust in Russia.
This is beginning to feel like I have wandered under a bridge. Bye-bye now.
After reading along, maybe this answer fits for you:
You said: ["HG had several times offered me sex and told my wife how much she fancied me, it was an open-joke between my wife and I, who referred to HG, as "your girlfriend just arrived". "]
If it was a joke back then, why is it not a joke now?
And in what way are you shocked?
You are right about one thing: Some things are best NOT MENTIONED.
Your revealing more secrets are best not mentioned, and are inconsistent with your being shocked.
Unfollowing.
I have been following your thread a bit and wanted to offer a couple of thoughts.
Your wife is not an inanimate object you can just turn your feelings off for. It hurts deeply to hear these things regardless of whether or not they are true. They have the ring of truth to you. I am sorry for your pain. Time helps and slowly this information will settle into place.
If true, your wife managed to not disrupt your lives with what may have led to divorce and a broken home for your children. There is something to be said for that. I don’t pretend to understand what makes we humans tick, stray or destroy our own happiness. I do know that many families were ruined as a result of the free love, three martini lunches, open marriages and the idea that children are resilient that prevailed back in the day.
You seem on balance very happy with the life you have lived with your wife and I think already healing from the shock it must have been to hear these stories.
So, I’m inclined to believe it happened because you believe it happened.
BUT, keep your eyes open. Dementia is a wicked devious disease that can play terrible havoc with our lives. It doesn’t dress up as the vacant eyed, odorous, unkempt, soggy diapered creature that we so often imagine. That comes along often enough but not in the beginning.
In the beginning with my DH aunt, she would tell the most outrageous things that happened to someone else like HG as though they had happened to her. In addition, she was VERY interested in all things sexual. She could do all the things you mention your wife can do, all day long, plus she wasn’t physically handicapped. I would overhear her on the phone with her phone book in hand, calling one number after another telling her stories. It is shocking when this happens and yes, it can be very hurtful. They no longer can discern that this or that couldn’t have actually happened for whatever reason. And all the filters are gone that may have made such topics taboo.
Read about confabulation. Look up Teepa Snow on YouTube. Just remember that all bets are off on what YOUR brain is telling you is true because it is so very difficult to believe that someone we love and trust and still looks and reacts and responds like that person in so many ways is not always “home”. I can guarantee you that your wife believes her stories. They are real to her whether they actually happened or not.
I have now got to thinking this worked both ways and when she told me she had gone out for the evening with HG this may have been untrue. HG was her alibi provider. Proof: You see I never once went out with my wife and HG. We never made a threesome or two couples group. She made a slip of the tongue flippant remark which shook me. I really do love her. We have an until-death-occurs marriage.
You say that your wife may live another 7 years and you another 10. You say that you will keep her secrets and take them to your grave. My questions for you are why are you torturing yourself when your wife is no longer capable of pretending to be the dutiful housewife? Are you psychologically prepared for even more sexually-explicit confessions? Do you perhaps think that because you had an affair once in Russia you deserve the hurt you feel from hearing about your wife's sexual flings and fantasies?
She thinks she’s unloading a confession which may or may not be true. And if it was, sounds like all this may have occurred decades ago.
What is there now to do but say you forgive her?
Like most couples we once spoke about love affairs - she insisted she never had and never would. I now think her recent disclosure/s is because she was scoring points on me by claiming she had a few affairs and was not the old woman she now is. An old-school friend of my wife was a certain HG. who I always thought might lead her astray, Why did I think this? Because HG had several times offered me sex and told my wife how much she fancied me, it was an open-joke between my wife and I, who referred to HG, as "your girl friend just arrived", meaning HG had parked outside and was walking down our drive.
Sandra Day O Connor knew her husband had taken up with another woman at his facility and let it go. So should you if this happens in the present.
As to the past, whether her statements are delusions or a confession, I’d take it the same either way. There’s nothing to be done now if she truthfully did slut around in1967 or 1979 or whenever that was.
If you sense she wants forgiveness, say you forgive her.
It sure sounds to me like you're now attempting to create a narrative for everyone where your wife is The Unfaithful Gold Digging Hussy, and you're the poor, innocent victim of such a person, shame on her. With no evidence to back up your accusations, just lots of sour grapes, hunches and finger pointing at a woman who now cannot defend herself bc she has dementia. Nor can ANYTHING she says be trusted at all, yet you can discern when "her dementia " is talking vs. "The Non Demented Lucid Wife" of long ago. Why not? Fits your narrative of the Betrayed Husband rather well.
File all of your hunches in file 13 and presume your wife stayed with you bc she loves you. If something transpired in the past, its done and over with. Don't put YOURSELF thru unnecessary agony trying to figure out if and how she wronged you in the past. All that matters is what happens moving forward. Cut her off at the pass if she wants to bring up hurtful topics again. I left my mother's presence in the Memory Care ALF when she got ranting and raving at me. There's no point in enduring the hateful gibberish they often spew, or trying to figure out if it's true or false. That ship has sailed long ago. Try to dwell on all the positive times you both shared together vs what she's CLAIMING happened now. Addled brains say a lot of stuff....half bull and the other half sh$t is what I found listening to my mother for years.
I hope you can put the past in the past and move forward with a clean slate for both of you.
It may assist your reasoning powers for you know that she cannot walk, cannot stand unaided and I have looked after her as a husband-carer including having to deal with her double incontinence daily. I was proud of her, loved her, and still do. I know in your books this reveals I am a mug, a foolish fool, I am also very kind-hearted and loveable, I just wish my wife had kept her mouth shut and lived out her faithful wife image until the very end. I can visualize her funeral and me standing there saying goodbye knowing her secret life knifed me in the heart. I will keep her secrets and not tell our children what she said, they share my opinions of her also. Go figure. Respects to all,
1) Have you ever ‘strayed’ yourself? Told a lie? Confessed? What was your wife’s reaction?
2) How has your marriage gone in the years since all her ‘straying’ is supposed to have happened?
3) Have you been happy together overall?
4) What would you gain (for both of you) by busting things up now?
5) What would you gain by making yourself miserable thinking about this?
The statistics of how many married people have ‘cheated’ in the course of their marriage are usually fairly shocking. The best thing for most people is not to know, or do your best to forget. Another strategy is to talk together about those old experiences, and have a laugh over how stupid you were. And how much better your marriage together has been than all those old mistakes.
PS My guess is that chewing over it with a therapist will be worse, not better.
1. I had one affair with an Ingrid Bergman look-alike in of all places Russia, we met on a train traveling between Leningrad and Moscow. My wife guessed as much and accepted the situation. 2. Our marriage was always happy - my wife was not a habitual strayer, but a woman with normal instincts and behavior patterns. 3. Yes, more than happy overall. 4. I will not break up with her, she is my right arm and right leg and we shared lots of happy times. the last 2 days I spent 5 hours and 7 hours with her in the care home and fell asleep on her bed. I am miserable because she shattered my dreams, bing-bang-boom, nothing will be gained by closing the door on her and I do not intend to do so. What has surprised me is how many posters do not think she needs to be blamed. And have overlooked during the last 40 years she's sat by my side with this secret pretending to me it never happened. I am lost without her and shattered. Love and respects to all.
You have endured a whole life of people playing into your fears of infidelity, suspicion, mis-trust and judgement. While your wife was healthy, you could combat the mental and emotional abuse together. However, she is not available any longer to help you through this.
At this point, whatever the truth is, doesn't really matter. But what matters is for you to heal enough to give your wife all the support, that you can muster during her time of this illness.
Please talk to the facility. They might have some therapists that they recommend. Talk to your PCP or any of the doctors that are associated with your wife or yourself and hopefully one of them will have a referral.
I am not a guy. If you were female, I would tell you to go talk about it with your social circle as for females, that seems to help with the sting. Hence, I suggest you find a good therapist. You don't want something like this to prevent you from living your best life now and in the future.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Please take the steps toward healing. Your wife needs you during this illness and you owe it to yourself for your future.
“we are all gold diggers” Not me or I wouldn't have married the one I have. We have been comfortable. If I wanted something we couldn't afford on one salary, I went to work. We have lived in the same house for 40 yrs. His car is 13 yrs old, mine 10. Poor man loves me. Thats so much better than money.
The last few days have been terrible for me, I am a softy, and I do love her and always will, the statements she made about her past affairs were not her dementia speaking, but the truth, I think we all need to accept that men and women sometimes do lead secret lives and their occasional long-ago sexual adventures are important to them insofar as they increase their own self-respect and value. My problem is: I have been married to her for 60 years and never expected this finale to such a life-long friendship and love affair. My mother always said she was a Gold Digger, but let us be honest aren't we all? When we both die we will be buried side by side and hold hands. I would not have it any other way.
Throw your "instincts" out with the trash and accept her at her level today (not yesterday).
Make an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can help you and offer medications if you get stuck in pain (imaginary or otherwise).
Move forward and don't look back.
That said, next time you visit your wife, bring her flowers and make her feel like that special lady you married. If she wants to feel wanted, give it to her. Trust your instinct to "say nothing and ignore it" and flirt with her instead. And if she does start up again with the stories, leave. Hearing those things hurts and you don't have to endure more hurt.
she is not "reminded" that the secrets are not worth keeping...she does not "know" they are secret.
She is not being more "honest" with you..with dementia filters are dropped or lost. This is why someone that never swore now sounds like a longshoreman on a 3 day binge...why someone will expose themselves or urinate in the street, or behind a potted plant.
You can ignore what she is saying. I doubt anyone would ever ask you if what she is saying is the truth. They may speculate that this is the plot line from a "bodice ripping book" she read a long time ago.
I think in your heart, deep down you have always known the truth and now it is just more difficult for you to burry.
You can do 1 of 2 things.
Forgive the past. (This does not mean you have to forgive her nor does it mean you need to forget.)
Let this recent confirmation of her truth eat away at you and destroy what memories you do have of your life together.
Your wife no longer knows what is real.
Very sad, but ever so true, this is a broken mind at work, I would let it go.
Sending support your way!
In short, please don't take this to heart. And no, I don't think that the delusions that come with dementia represent any sort of repressed desires or unfulfilled wishes.
She hadn’t.
Had I considered what she said factual, I’d be left wondering which of her husbands my father was.
Knowing that she had dementia, the thought ever even occurred to me, nor should painful thoughts occur to you.
As long as you don’t have dementia, you may confidently disregard what she says in hers.