Wife with dementia revealing secrets best not mentioned, husband shocked. Any advice?

I can barely remember the husband I married 28 years ago as those earlier memories are obstructed by memories of the last 15 years of my husband’s gradual disappearance and being replaced by a stranger who tells me some things that would break the heart of his former self. He and his parents seemed to have come out of a Norman Rockwell photo. He never cursed. He was a straight arrow, reliable, kind, thoughtful and he had the best funny bone. In the last 5 years he hoards poop and calls me c’su*k**. This is as impossible a thing as Bob Hope saying such a thing. Never, ever, could this have happened before dementia. 

About 3 weeks ago I got a call from the day care facility my husband attends to tell me that he was necking with another attendee. Of course the staff are alerted and on top of that, but I started to giggle picturing in my mind how ludicrous that was.

I was stunned but he has dementia. I am not hurt over my husband acting like a 13 year old. To a man/woman every friend I told this to busted out laughing at the thought. Me too. I’d rather that hadn’t happened but he’s out of his former mind. When he got home I asked him how his day went. He didn’t remember. I said that I heard it was pretty interesting and then told him what I was told and he said "Nooo. Get outta here". These poor demented folks don’t know.

Your wife’s tongue is not loosening. She’s making up a world where a woman is wanted. After a while you could throw in a curve ball and ask if she dated Burt Reynolds and she may say that she did. My husband said he knew the Beatles. Now if in the next few years he tells me he played with the Beatles I’d have to give him some creative points.

You wife must’ve missed you terribly when you went away for weeks and maybe at this heart breaking time for you you might have forgotten the reassuring phone conversations you made to each other during your separations and the happy reunions. 

Upon returning from one of your trips she may have hinted at a former life to test you maybe to draw you out to find what you may have been up to while away or, because of her insecurities, she wanted to let you know that even though you could go away from her she was desirable to someone, she had value. Childish, but I don’t know her background and we all cope as we can. 

Remember, the former person your wife was always told you that she was faithful. The person is now is a child without filters and scrambled eggs for a memory. 

You also say she's beginning to be more honest and open with you? Honesty and openness from a person with dementia. You must be kidding.

You're heart is breaking. Your wife is unwell. Join a support group. The antics and stories you'll hear will make you laugh, shake you head, maybe frighten you a little but they will make you feel better and learn that what your wife is devolving into should not be taken personally.

Stay strong.

Look up "Confabulation". Made up stories.

It is a common delusion with dementia that a woman starts to think every handsome man wants her; is in love with her etc. Men do that too.

The caregiving technique is to distract, change the conversation, not listen and walk away.

You are NOT planning on allowing her words to drive you crazy, are you?

I wouldn't put an ounce of credence in these stories. Brains afflicted with dementia come up with strange things at times.

If these are new delusions, make sure you mention them to her doctor; sudden onset of new symptoms are often caused by urinary tract infections with no other symptoms.

Say nothing and ignore it. Chances are she’s delusional. I knew someone who had dementia and was 90. She started saying that her husband had achievements that we knew he didn’t. She said he’d been mayor of their town. This went on for a while with more added details, such as having a daughter named “Chris,” which wasn’t true. Her family finally figured it out. Both her husband and her boss of 45 years before were named “Richard.” Her boss Richard had actually been mayor before she worked for him. His daughter was named Chris and she’d confused her husband Richard with her boss Richard.

I wouldn’t believe anything that comes out of a dementia patient’s mouth!

So you "rescued" a poor young girl, married her, regardless that you and your parents felt her to be a "gold digger", and "allowed" her to stay home and raise your children, cook and clean for you, so she didn't have to hold down a "real" job, which, if broken down by each duty she performed as mother, wife, cook, laundress, etc, should have paid her 3x what you were making. And while you had to rise at 5 and not be home till after 7pm, she had to rise all night long to tend to babies who needed her, 24/7, while you were likely left to sleep uninterrupted. Not to mention, she was left alone to do everything for 14+ hours a day, leaving you little time together as a married couple. Think maybe she was lonely at any time as a result?


It sure sounds to me like you're now attempting to create a narrative for everyone where your wife is The Unfaithful Gold Digging Hussy, and you're the poor, innocent victim of such a person, shame on her. With no evidence to back up your accusations, just lots of sour grapes, hunches and finger pointing at a woman who now cannot defend herself bc she has dementia. Nor can ANYTHING she says be trusted at all, yet you can discern when "her dementia " is talking vs. "The Non Demented Lucid Wife" of long ago. Why not? Fits your narrative of the Betrayed Husband rather well.

File all of your hunches in file 13 and presume your wife stayed with you bc she loves you. If something transpired in the past, its done and over with. Don't put YOURSELF thru unnecessary agony trying to figure out if and how she wronged you in the past. All that matters is what happens moving forward. Cut her off at the pass if she wants to bring up hurtful topics again. I left my mother's presence in the Memory Care ALF when she got ranting and raving at me. There's no point in enduring the hateful gibberish they often spew, or trying to figure out if it's true or false. That ship has sailed long ago. Try to dwell on all the positive times you both shared together vs what she's CLAIMING happened now. Addled brains say a lot of stuff....half bull and the other half sh$t is what I found listening to my mother for years.

I hope you can put the past in the past and move forward with a clean slate for both of you.

Mother had various delusions. In her case it wasn't a UTI. It was the dementia. She still appeared normal in many ways but these stories were not true. We knew that. Regarding your wife, even if she doesn't have a UTI, it is likely the dementia talking.

Wholeheartedly agree with all who've said it's the dementia talking. If you do the research, you'll be convinced. But, allow me another take -- say it is true, you've loved this woman since she was 18. She's now 78 and dying. Don't stop loving her now.

I am very sorry for all you are going through. I think you need a therapist to help you through this potential betrayal.

You have endured a whole life of people playing into your fears of infidelity, suspicion, mis-trust and judgement. While your wife was healthy, you could combat the mental and emotional abuse together. However, she is not available any longer to help you through this.

At this point, whatever the truth is, doesn't really matter. But what matters is for you to heal enough to give your wife all the support, that you can muster during her time of this illness.

Please talk to the facility. They might have some therapists that they recommend. Talk to your PCP or any of the doctors that are associated with your wife or yourself and hopefully one of them will have a referral.

I am not a guy. If you were female, I would tell you to go talk about it with your social circle as for females, that seems to help with the sting. Hence, I suggest you find a good therapist. You don't want something like this to prevent you from living your best life now and in the future.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Please take the steps toward healing. Your wife needs you during this illness and you owe it to yourself for your future.

My mom had frequent anxiety attacks while in her NH about the fact that she hadn't paid her income taxes in 1933 (when she would have been 10 years old).

In short, please don't take this to heart. And no, I don't think that the delusions that come with dementia represent any sort of repressed desires or unfulfilled wishes.

RetiredBuilder
I have been following your thread a bit and wanted to offer a couple of thoughts.

Your wife is not an inanimate object you can just turn your feelings off for. It hurts deeply to hear these things regardless of whether or not they are true. They have the ring of truth to you. I am sorry for your pain. Time helps and slowly this information will settle into place.

If true, your wife managed to not disrupt your lives with what may have led to divorce and a broken home for your children. There is something to be said for that. I don’t pretend to understand what makes we humans tick, stray or destroy our own happiness. I do know that many families were ruined as a result of the free love, three martini lunches, open marriages and the idea that children are resilient that prevailed back in the day.

You seem on balance very happy with the life you have lived with your wife and I think already healing from the shock it must have been to hear these stories.
So, I’m inclined to believe it happened because you believe it happened.

BUT, keep your eyes open. Dementia is a wicked devious disease that can play terrible havoc with our lives. It doesn’t dress up as the vacant eyed, odorous, unkempt, soggy diapered creature that we so often imagine. That comes along often enough but not in the beginning.
In the beginning with my DH aunt, she would tell the most outrageous things that happened to someone else like HG as though they had happened to her. In addition, she was VERY interested in all things sexual. She could do all the things you mention your wife can do, all day long, plus she wasn’t physically handicapped. I would overhear her on the phone with her phone book in hand, calling one number after another telling her stories. It is shocking when this happens and yes, it can be very hurtful. They no longer can discern that this or that couldn’t have actually happened for whatever reason. And all the filters are gone that may have made such topics taboo.
Read about confabulation. Look up Teepa Snow on YouTube. Just remember that all bets are off on what YOUR brain is telling you is true because it is so very difficult to believe that someone we love and trust and still looks and reacts and responds like that person in so many ways is not always “home”. I can guarantee you that your wife believes her stories. They are real to her whether they actually happened or not.